Skeleton Dancer
by Fate VII
Summary: ZOMBIES. Yes, that's correct. Zombies. Because there just weren't enough necromancers involved before now. But no, these aren't the standard, fairlyeasytokill zombies. There are Plot Twists. And Unexpected Visitors. And slashy demons.
1. in which there is no advance warning

taps fingers together Bring out the shotguns. If not for me, for...well, you'll see.

The gay is plentiful and merry. People complain if I don't warn ya'll beforehand, for some reason.

I also can't take this story seriously. Sorry. So there will be less of the wangst and more of the wtf.

Did I mention how very not-mine they were? puts back

* * *

**chapter one: in which there is no advance warning**

"Of course I'm not going to faint. I don't faint," Hiei said with a vaguely puzzled air.

"Mm. Of course not," Kurama agreed, turning to face the window. Someone with a sharp eye and a knack for reading lips might have caught the words 'Dark Tournament' in the motion.

"That time didn't count," Hiei said on cue.

Kurama looked at the ceiling thoughtfully. "That point aside, your ice maiden of a sister is officially Kuwabara's girlfriend as of...twenty hours ago. Yusuke thought you should know before Kuwabara brought it up in your presence. I told him that there was no rush, but he didn't listen. Apparently it hasn't occurred to him that the last time you so much as glimpsed Kuwabara was several months ago and under duress."

Hiei looked at Kurama suspiciously. "And yet you are the one telling me this."

"Yusuke called me, hyperventilated a bit, and begged me to do this. According to him, I can say the most outrageous things to you and you won't hurt me." Kurama was still busily studying the paint on his ceiling.

"I have a feeling that there is more."

"I lost a bet with him. This is half the payment. None of this is even approaching the point. Not only is Yukina dating Kuwabara, but you have neglected to inform both interested parties of your stake in the matter. Yukina has a pretty shrewd guess at what you're not saying. Kuwabara has none of this. On behalf of Yusuke and my own curiosity, what now?"

"I could faint," Hiei said expressionlessly.

"You," Kurama said severely, "are making this absolutely no fun at all."

Hiei seemed to take this into consideration. "So they're dating like humans." At Kurama's energetic nod, he continued, "When humans say 'dating', am I supposed to quietly translate that into 'rutting'?"

"That entirely depends on what sort of mental images you want," Kurama said. "I never pegged you for incest."

Hiei made a noise that sounded very much like "Argh."

Kurama relented and began to pace around the room. "You underestimate Kuwabara's honour. He sees Yukina as young and fragile and in need of protection. Besides, in this society, it's practically tradition for a girl's male relatives to threaten her boyfriend's life if he breathes on her in an overly meaningful way."

The look Kurama received over that statement was one that, on anyone else, would have been of unending patience. On Hiei, it simply looked bizarre. "Kurama, he may be stupid, but I think he figured out that there are no male ice maidens. Then again, I lost all faith in his ability to comprehend what he hears when he tried to interpret Quest Class."

"Be kind to his subconscious," Kurama said. "Humans can be touchy about that sort of thing. I will take your dodging of the subject to mean that you don't know what to do."

There was a meditative pause before Hiei finally said, "Well, I suppose he might have actually had something there, considering how much flirting was going on up there."

"I suppose Yusuke could, in a rather roundabout way, warn Kuwabara," Kurama said, blithely ignoring Hiei. "Or perhaps Yukina could warn Kuwabara. That might stick a bit more. By the way, we seem to be having two separate conversations at the same time."

Hiei glared. "You're all acting like I am going to kill someone in short order."

Kurama coiled himself onto the top of his desk, cheerfully putting himself within stabbing range without a qualm. "It's traditional."

"For humans," Hiei reminded him.

"All right, fine. It's expected. Kuwabara's older sister and Yukina have already had a small sit-down. Apparently the purpose of this meeting was to discern if Kuwabara would one day be confronted by a protectively angry demon who did not like having a human dating his sister." Kurama looked expectantly at Hiei. "Yukina gave a tentative maybe, which got back to Yusuke. Hence this conversation."

Hiei fidgeted slightly. "I thought I made it clear that it was a no."

Kurama followed this mental leap with the ease of practise. "If your attempt to convince her was anything like your attempt to convince me, you certainly did not."

"And here I thought you were painfully trusting," Hiei retorted.

"I probably am...for a youko," Kurama concluded sweetly.

Hiei looked rather pained. "Hasn't stopped you from getting soft, now, has it?"

Kurama blinked gently. "When did this conversation get around to casting aspersions on _me?_ I'm not the one courting your sister. Besides, I have no excuse to be anywhere else. The best thing for me to be doing right now is emulating a human as well as I can. Which, you will admit, is very well."

"Shuuichi?"

Kurama and Hiei both jumped. Hiei looked at the window longingly while Kurama stared at the door in panic. "Come in," he said after a pause.

Shiori opened the door and propelled Yusuke before her. "Here you are," she announced, her eyes wandering to Hiei. "Do you ever use the door? I mean, ever?"

Kurama kicked Hiei to forestall a response. "Hi, Yusuke," he said quickly.

Shiori sighed. "I will leave you boys to do your boy things. Shuuichi, we're headed up north. Your brother said he wanted to see us off and spend some time with his friends afterwards, so I expect he'll be back in a few hours. If he isn't, call us and we can all harass him for being irresponsible."

"The familial love here is quite striking," Kurama observed. "Have a lovely trip, then. Forget you have children as we will forget that we have parents."

Shiori laughed. "Of course. However, I do expect to have the house standing upon our return at the very least."

"Do you trust me that little?" Kurama asked pleadingly.

Shiori softened visibly. "Of course not. You have a good week, now."

As soon as the door closed after her and her footsteps had receded, Yusuke said cheerfully, "Oh yes. You're so good at being human that you can talk about pretending to be one without a qualm." At Kurama's horrified look, he said, "Okay, fine, I'm pretty sure that I was the only one to hear that."

"Please don't do that," Kurama said. "I like my heart rate just fine where it is."

Yusuke dropped onto Kurama's bed and looked expectantly at Hiei. When nothing was forthcoming, he finally said, "Well, what's it going to be? Dismemberment? Disembowelment? That sketchy dragon thing? And give me a time frame, I need to tell Kuwabara when to leave the country."

Kurama examined his feet. "I'm still trying to convince him that this is a done thing."

"Then again, neither of us are in any way objective over this," Yusuke said thoughtfully. "I suppose you just smiled at your mother's boyfriends and they just left. Well, except for this last one."

Kurama looked startled. "Now how did you know that?"

"You have a creepy smile and a bit of an Oedipus complex," Yusuke said bluntly. "We seem to have lost our audience."

Hiei looked over from the window on cue. "Yes?"

"Lord," said Yusuke. "Are you still pretending that you're not related to Yukina?"

"She doesn't need to know," Hiei said dismissively.

"You," said Yusuke severely, "are just being lazy about it. This is a very bad habit of yours, this not expressing your thoughts on personal relationships."

"Habit?" Kurama perked up. "What, you've got more siblings that I don't know about?"

Yusuke threw his hands into the air. "All right, I'll concede that sometimes it's not entirely your fault. What, should I delicately hint to Shizuru that she should delicately hint to Kuwabara that if he breaks Yukina's heart, fiery death will be his? Or do you want to practice your poisonous glares? I recommend against the latter. Kuwabara is convinced that you're eyeing Yukina under the qualifications that she's the only girl around as demonic and midgety as you."

Kurama bit his lower lip to stifle what sounded very much like a giggle. "I really never pegged you for incest," he finally managed, then dissolved into laughter.

Hiei's expression was the facial equivalent of backing away slowly from an overly friendly clown. "Why can't I just leave this alone?" he finally asked.

"Because I am going to make you be nice to the people close to you if it kills me," said Yusuke mutinously. "Because they too are nice people and deserve it."

"Are you telling me Kuwabara gets off on me not liking him?" Hiei demanded, sounding outraged.

"No," Yusuke said sternly, "Yukina deserves to know that you harbour at least some protective feelings for her. I am well aware that you would cheerfully shred Kuwabara if he puts a foot out of line, and I trust that she would do it herself before feeling the need to call in a favour. But it's always nice to feel that someone will quietly put your boy out of the way if they hurt you, no questions asked. It fills one with warm fuzzy feelings. Now stop deliberately misinterpreting me. It's amusing, but the clueless demon approach can only do so much." Yusuke wheeled on Kurama. "And you. I have a test tomorrow and you owe me."

Kurama shrugged. "Fine. What is it?" he added to Hiei, who was standing at the window with an odd expression on his face.

"The person is gone now," Hiei said slowly, "but there was something wrong with them. They moved wrong and they smelled wrong. I didn't like it."

"And it's your problem, isn't it?" Yusuke asked cheerfully. "Weird things spilling over the borders, that is?"

Hiei shook his head obstinately. "It wasn't a demon. I want to see where it goes."

"You are not following him," Yusuke said severely to Kurama. "You are going to help me with European royalty. I will never need to know anything about European royalty aside from current news. Besides, do you have any idea how many countries there are in Europe? That's a lot of royalty for me to memorize. Why don't we ever learn anything useful? I will never need to know this sort of thing, and if by some miracle I do? I'll go and look it up."

"It makes a good conversation piece," Kurama said. "Look how long you've been going on about European royalty."

"Argh," said Yusuke expressively. "Look, just come help me out for a few hours. You coming?" he asked Hiei, who was still staring critically out the window.

"No," said Hiei. "It's going south," he added cryptically before disappearing from the sill.

"If I can resist the temptation to see what's going on, so can you," Yusuke said to Kurama. "Come on. Lend me some of your perfect-student vibes. Keiko will love me for it."

"Ah," said Kurama knowingly.

There was a certain point in the city that was a good many miles away. This point was a relatively quiet outdoor café where a boy with thoroughly gelled orange-red hair and a girl in traditional garb that seemed rather out of place against her vivid blue hair were having coffee.

"So then she just fell over me, and of course since I was standing at the top, she fell all the way down. It was just awful," said Yukina brightly, and took a sip of her coffee.

"You've never seemed to wear shoes with treads," Kuwabara said thoughtfully. "No wonder."

"You look at my shoes?" Yukina asked curiously. "That's kind of...sweet. In a kind of stalkerish way." She blushed nevertheless.

"I look at everything," Kuwabara said gravely. "I mean, not that I ogle. But I can ogle if you want me to. Er. I don't mean ogle, really." This only caused Yukina to blush harder.

"More coffee?" their server asked cheerfully before refilling their cups. "I hope you won't think this an impertinence, miss, but can I ask what brand of hair dye you use? I've been looking for a new colour and I really like yours."

"Blue Haired Freak by Special Effects," Yukina said promptly. "I get it from a cousin in America."

Their server made a little scribble on the back of his hand, smiled, and sailed away.

"It's a good thing we looked that up," Yukina said. "I'm glad you thought of it."

"You remember the name of the contacts?" Kuwabara asked anxiously.

"Mm. And the name of the shop where I get my clothes," Yukina answered. "Humans can be so odd sometimes. I think I understand why Botan always talked about going undercover."

"Well, I suppose we could go on a date to the demon world sometime," Kuwabara said thoughtfully. "The question is, where?"

"I know a bar," Yukina said. "Well, it's not really a bar. People only die there once or twice a month. But the drinks are good. And I don't think you'll have to go undercover there."

"I could wear a fake moustache. You know, just to make sure," Kuwabara offered.

While Yukina was giggling, a young man weaved his way through the tables, pushed his glasses up higher on his nose, and sat down with the careful deliberation of someone not entirely in control of their faculties. When the server scurried over, he ordered a double chocolate espresso and chocolate covered espresso beans, pulled out his maths homework, and went to bleary-eyed work.

Yukina paused in the middle of icing her latest cup of coffee. "Kazuma," she said softly. "The boy at the table next to us?"

"I see him. Is he looking at you the wrong way?" Kuwabara asked, even though it was obvious that the student had eyes for nothing but his multivariable calculus.

"No," Yukina said, an odd tone to her voice. "He's dead."

This appeared to be too much for Kuwabara. "Yukina? He's moving. He's alive."

"He's not breathing," Yukina said. "And...he's decomposing. I know what the process looks like."

Kuwabara surreptitiously studied the student. Yukina had a point, what with his not breathing. And he did smell rather off, but Kuwabara had seen enough male college students to know that hygiene wasn't a universal priority.

"Hey," said the student, looking up. "You, uh, you need something?" he added nervously.

Apparently Kuwabara's surreptitious study had not, in fact, been surreptitious enough. "No," he said unconvincingly. "You seem to have excellent control over your breathing, is all. I was...wondering if you were all right."

The young man shoved his glasses farther up his nose and turned terrified eyes on Kuwabara. "Y-yes. Yes. I'm fine. I just...I needed some coffee. And food. I had to get out of my room. It was...so cold. And close. I felt really sick. I thought maybe I'd taken too much of my headache medicine and it was making me feel cold. My head, it had hurt so badly, and I'd forgotten how much I'd taken. I needed the fresh air, but I still had to study." He nodded emphatically, then went back to his books, munching on another chocolate covered espresso bean.

Yukina looked at him with dark eyes, then turned to Kuwabara. "When you learn to heal, you also learn to tell when people are...beyond it. I think he died maybe six or seven hours ago, probably from an accidental overdose of his medicine. And I don't think he knows it."

"The fact that he doesn't know that he's dead aside, _if_ he's dead, why is he walking around and talking to us?" Kuwabara demanded.

"There are necromancers out there, but I've never even heard of a human one," Yukina said softly. "This is new to me. And even if it is a demon, necromancy is only practised in the context of a cheap alternative to torture or for amassing lots of very obedient slaves. The resurrected ones aren't allowed to just...walk around."

"Well, there are zombies," Kuwabara said practically. "But he's acting very...animated for one. And articulate. Usually they just go around eating brains and biting people, which makes more zombies. You have to shoot them to get rid of them."

Yukina looked sadly at the studying boy. "He's very young. It's a pity. He shouldn't have died."

Kuwabara eyed the boy as well. "I think he agrees with you." They both raised their cups and drank in silence.

A few minutes later, the boy picked his hands up and looked at them, startled. "My skin...it looks a little funny to me," he said conspiratorially to Kuwabara and Yukina. "But my eyes can be a little weird. Do I look all right?"

Yukina said kindly, "For a dead man, yes. You're in very good condition."

The young man laughed politely, then looked at Yukina with cloudy eyes. "You're serious." He pushed his glasses up a little higher. "I am dead, aren't I?" His voice had gotten high and shaky. "I did take too many pills. And now I'm dead. This is like the afterlife. Maths and coffee and nice people."

"Something like that," Kuwabara agreed. "I mean, we've been to the afterlife. Or that general area. They're a little low on maths, and I don't remember too much coffee, but the company was okay."

"Well, I can do without the maths," the man said, tucking his books away. "I suppose if I'm dead, I don't have to go to class any more."

"Probably not," Kuwabara said, also giving in to the urge to gently mother the poor dead sod. The student was the sort of person whose every movement demanded that response, and being dead had not changed things much.

The young man automatically dropped some cash onto the table and stood. Yukina and Kuwabara exchanged glances, then did the same. "We should go with him," Yukina murmured.

"Exactly what I thought," Kuwabara replied and was treated to a dazzling smile.

The three of them walked in companionable silence towards one of the larger universities nearby.

"I feel a little weird," the boy said at last.

"It's to be expected," Kuwabara said reassuringly. "You know, what with the dead thing. Stiffening up?"

"N-no," the boy said shakily. "I mean...I feel...hungry. And...like my blood is boiling. I-I need to sit down." He sidled carefully into an alley, slid along the wall, and leaned his full weight on the grimy bricks. "I feel...oh God what's happening? He wants me to do something..."

Yukina and Kuwabara stared in consternation as the boy collapsed in on himself, then surged to his feet with a new light in his eyes. "He wants me to kill you," he repeated, and sprang at Kuwabara, his glasses flying off to the side.

Kuwabara dodged easily, his aura sword flaring to life as more of a reflex action than conscious thought. "Hey, I don't want to hurt you," he said pleadingly. "It's all right, we can help you."

The boy shook himself slightly, as though trying to get a grip on himself. "My glasses," he murmured, his eyes clouding back over, then clearing again as he jumped for Kuwabara again. This time he was quicker and managed to knock him over, mouth opening as he closed in on Kuwabara's neck.

Kuwabara knew that he could stab the boy now – what harm could it do? He was already dead – but he hadn't seemed dead. He had just seemed like a spacey college boy who had accidentally poisoned himself and had incidentally died from it. And, fine, he hadn't looked terribly alive, but Kuwabara had seen deader. And he was trying to bite Kuwabara, and having seen all the literature on zombies, Kuwabara wasn't sure how he felt about it.

"Kazuma!" Ice blinded Kuwabara and startlingly cold air wrapped around him, spiked with rage. He felt his aura soaking back into his arm and flexed his fingers, then reached up and brushed the ice from his face. Someone knelt next to him and assisted, their touch gentle but frigid. "Kazuma, can you sit up? I tried to keep from hitting you as well. I've never known at what temperatures humans freeze, so I just...well."

Kuwabara wobbled to his feet and looked around. Yukina silently turned his head until he could see the college boy, who had fetched up against a Dumpster. He was frozen solid and his head had been knocked off of his shoulders. "His glasses?" was all he could manage.

Yukina handed them to him. They were untouched. "He was already dead," she said softly. "It's not an excuse, of course, but after what you said about bites from the undead...I wasn't going to take chances." When she looked at the boy a second time, her red eyes glittered in a way that Kuwabara thought was frighteningly familiar, but he just couldn't place it.

"I think we should talk to Koenma about this," Kuwabara said slowly. "And maybe get a hold of the others too. Because I've been doing this for a little while, and I've gotten to know that these things tend not to just sort of happen once and then go away. I'll call Yusuke while we're on the way."

"Good idea," Yukina said, taking Kuwabara's hand in her cold one and leading him from the alley.

As soon as they left, Hiei stole down from an unused fire escape and looked at the dead boy. "This," he said meditatively, "is not right." He then rifled the young man's backpack and frigid pockets for spare change and espresso beans before betaking himself to parts unknown.

It always was the little things that made people despair of introducing Hiei to polite society, really.

While this was going on, Kuwabara was having absolutely no luck reaching Yusuke. All he could hit was a cheery message from Kurama of all people saying merely, "I'm sorry, but Yusuke is so indisposed that I need to leave this message for him. You see, I've got him suspended upside down from the ceiling while he studies. It's good motivation, really. Do leave a message, won't you? Bye now."

Kuwabara, having endured three months of Kurama and Hiei tag-teaming his tutoring in fighting (and being thoroughly and clinically pounded into the ground as a result), had a sneaking feeling that Kurama wasn't being facetious in the least.

He was right. While Kurama browsed placidly through Yusuke's extremely racy manga collection, Yusuke was thrashing around and yelling from his position of being hung feet-first from the ceiling. "This isn't funny, Kurama! I wanted you to help me!"

"I am," Kurama said without looking up. "Go on. Kings of England. Start with Alfred the Great. I mean, look how far you've gotten already. You've already done all of southern Europe and most of the east, and it's been only a few hours."

"That's because I'm being hung upside down by plants that shoot my own aura back at me! I don't have much of a choice, now, do I?"

"That's the point!" Kurama flashed him a beatific grin. "Oh, honestly, what were you expecting? I mean, Kuwabara had to have complained to you. And you did study under Genkai."

Yusuke flailed ineffectively. "But you're so nice," he finally said.

"Mm," Kurama agreed and turned a page. "Alfred the Great," he prompted.

"Alfred the Great. Edward the Elder. Athelstan. Weird name, that. Edmund the first of many, many Edmunds. Edred. Edwy the Welsh. Or sounds like the Welsh. Edgar. Why don't any of these people have last names? Edward the Martyr. Ethelred. Edmund number two. Why do they all start with an e?"

"I don't know," Kurama murmured. "Maybe there was a rule."

"You are far too fascinated by that book," Yusuke told him severely. "It's kind of kinky."

Kurama very deliberately put the book down and laced his fingers together with a dazzling smile. "Who's after Edmund the second?"

"Buggered if I know," Yusuke said gloomily, "the top of my head's about to pop off. Ow!" he screeched as the spiky vine around his ankles tightened. "Canute! Harold the first! Harthacnut! Mercy! You're worse than Keiko! At least she only smacks me!"

"Mm," Kurama said again, looking as though the window had completely distracted him. "Anything else?"

Yusuke saw his chance and seized it. "Let me down?"

"Sure," Kurama said vaguely. Yusuke was about to be thankful when he realized that he was plunging with nothing to break his fall. "Dammit, Kurama! I wanted you to help me study, not give me a concussion! Are you listening to me?"

"Yusuke," Kurama said. Something in his voice brought Yusuke to rapt attention. "That strange man in your front yard...I think he's dead. But he's walking around and...Yusuke, he's looking at me, and I swear, he's dead."

Yusuke darted to the window and elbowed himself in front of an unresisting Kurama. "You've seen more dead people that haven't been cremated than I, so I'll trust your judgement on that. But how can he be dead and walking around?"

"Quiet," Kurama said as the man stared at them more intently.

There was a long pause before the man curled his lips back and hissed. Yusuke's hand on the sill started to glow in response.

"We're safe," Kurama said conversationally. "How nice that no one seems to have mowed for about two months."

"It's not our lawn," Yusuke informed him, "and I don't think you need to send some half-dead weeds into a murderous rage to keep a dead man from killing us through a glass window with his bad teeth."

"True," Kurama said, turning away from the window. "Some place you live in."

"Yeah. I'm really feeling a 'what the hell' bubbling inside me," Yusuke agreed.

Kurama shrugged. "I don't think that hell could tell you."

"Thank you. You are so damn reassuring that I don't know what I would do without you," Yusuke said flatly.

A loud thump startled them both into turning back to look at the window. The dead man was standing on the other side, knocking his head on the glass.

"Shit," Yusuke breathed. He and Kurama looked at each other before Yusuke finally said, "Well, hell, I needed a new pane of glass anyway," and fired straight through it.

Kurama leaned out of the window and looked at the now-headless zombie lying there and twitching faintly. "Would you like me to dispose of this?"

"I'll get it," Yusuke said, scrubbing his hands over his face. "Ugh. Go home, make sure your people are all right. If you see Hiei, make him stick around. If you see Keiko, bring her here."

Kurama nodded. "One thing to be said for all this. You don't have to worry about studying now, do you?"

Yusuke brightened visibly. "An excellent point." He watched the door close after Kurama, then danced an impromptu jig before going to deal with the corpse outside.

Priorities.

* * *

Hiei, actually, passes out a lot. Liar.

Watch the bets. Round and round and round they go...THEY'RE IMPORTANT, LIKE RED. Except I'm not using red like that.

The subtitles for Kuwabara's attempt to follow Kurama and Karasu's conversation is delightfully apt, as he hears Quest Class as Queer Club. His brain is so flamboyantly gay.

Yukina's opening line is based on a line from a similar situation in the X-Files.

I use Special Effects hair dye. I am fond of it.

This is not IoV-verse. Shiori is alive and kicking.

AHAHA ZOMBIES.

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**Will write more for reviews.**


	2. in which there is johnny depp

Still not mine. Still gay. Still zombified.

* * *

**chapter two: in which there is johnny depp**

"Yukina, Kuwabara! Good to see you!" Botan said brightly. "Business is slow today, so you're a welcome surprise."

"I'm not surprised that business is slow," Kuwabara said darkly. "We have something of a zombie infestation in the human world."

"Zombies?" Botan asked doubtfully. "Voodoo and such?"

Yukina blinked. "It kind of looked like necromancy to me. Someone new, who hadn't quite figured out how he wanted to make them act yet. I think that the more of them we see, the more consistently they will behave."

Botan nodded. "I think I understand. Hey!" Snagging a passing guard, she said cheerfully, "Tell the other girls that there may be a reason that no souls are popping up," and led her guests down the nearest hall.

The guard watched them go with a sigh, then steeled himself for the round of questioning that he was sure to receive from the other ferry girls.

"Before you go," said a vaguely familiar person as they detached themselves from a convenient shadow, "I want to know the shortest way to get to Koenma's office."

The guard blinked before pointing down the corridor which Botan and company had taken. "That one. Why? Who are you? You really shouldn't go down there unescorted," he added as he turned back. There was a long pause as he beheld a plain, whitewashed wall that was entirely free of black-clad unknowns with creepy red eyes. "Bugger it, where are you?" he demanded of the wall.

"The wall is right there," his partner said cheerfully, clapping him on the shoulder. "I told you not to eat that funny-looking Jello today, now, didn't I?"

"There was someone here," the first guard insisted. "Scary-looking midget in black with red eyes. Wanted to know where Koenma-sama's office was. Vanished while I wasn't looking."

"Well, you've learned a lesson today, now, haven't you?" his partner said. "Never, ever eat the scary Jello. It makes you hallucinate vanishing teenygoths." She offered an inconspicuous-looking flask. "Have some. It'll take the edge right off. You shan't see any teenygoths with this stuff, now. A pink elephant, maybe, but at least then you know your eyes are being a bit funny. Only a few sips, mind you. This is the sort of stuff where if you drink too much, everyone else hallucinates with you."

The first guard nodded fervently and knocked back a mouthful.

Some hundred meters down the hall, Botan blew past some rather bemused-looking guards, only to stop short in complete shock. Yukina and Kuwabara nearly trod on her heels as they too screeched to a halt. All three of them boggled at the very unexpected scene which lay before them, namely Hiei and Koenma in the middle of a heated argument.

"If there is a necromancer running around, it's your job to fix it!" Koenma yelled. "Not mine! I don't even know why you're here, you independent pillock!"

"It is not my job!" Hiei retorted. "I'm not here on my own damn behalf either! The issue of it not being my job is exactly why I'm here! I've _told_ you this already! Why are we still arguing?"

"Because it's not my problem!" Koenma announced, shoving a stack of paper at Hiei irritably. "Ah, Botan!" he added as Hiei dodged aside. "What is it?"

"Um, well, actually, what you were yelling about?" Botan began. "Um. Yukina and Kuwabara think that it kind of is our problem. And I kept meaning to tell you this, Koenma-sama, but...there haven't been any souls up for collection today. We've all been watching the meter, and it hasn't once lit up. All the girls are bored, so we were wondering if you had anything else for us to do?"

"No souls," Koenma said tiredly. "Hiei shows up raving about necromancers and you show up raving about absolutely no souls coming up on the meter."

"I'm not raving!" Botan said indignantly.

Yukina edged around Botan. "It does feel very much like a necromancer, one who isn't sure how they wants to make their slaves act. Perhaps they've been out of commission, or they're new to it, or they're doing something different than their usual style. And these...zombies. They are indeed a threat. Kazuma and I were...having coffee together, and we came across this young human," she said, flushing. Her blush faded as she outlined the run-in with the college zombie.

"And you left it lying in a back alley," Koenma groaned. "Wonderful."

Kuwabara's face set, prompting Yukina to hurry into speech. "Well, dumping human remains in the demon world has always been frowned on."

"It's not like you don't have contacts on the border!" Koenma wailed. "Don't you?"

"No," Yukina said primly.

Koenma looked at her suspiciously, then continued. "Well, I suppose that spending so much time with criminals has inclined me towards their methods. My apologies and I will send someone out to take care of it. That point aside, this really should not be my field. I did hand off all border issues to your lot," he reminded Hiei.

"This is a little more than a border issue," Hiei pointed out. "And how do you know it's not all over all three worlds? She said there were no souls coming up at all. You don't only handle human souls, you know."

"I tried to call Urameshi," Kuwabara said plaintively, "but the poor bastard talked Kurama into tutoring him in some academic thing, and I don't think we'll see either of them for hours."

Koenma meditated on the subtext of this declaration. "Well, I hadn't quite expected that," he finally announced.

Everyone but Kuwabara looked at him sharply. "I think you're reading too much subtext into his words," Botan finally offered kindly. "I can go find them, if you'd like."

"No, don't bother. I have something else for you," Koenma said. "How long has it been since you've done an on-the-spot exorcism?"

Botan thought. "A while?" she finally guessed. "It's not a very common need."

"Well, you're going to have a good chance to practice," Koenma said with a sigh. "It's just about all we can do for necromancy, short of incapacitating the necromancer. Since we don't know who it is, you and the girls are just going to have to improvise. If you get the soul out and your zombie keeps coming, try breaking the brain stem. If _that_ doesn't work, run away."

"Run away?" Botan demanded. "Is that all you can think of?"

Koenma looked peeved. "Yes."

"Figures," Kuwabara muttered. "Look, what can we do?"

"Well," Koenma said slowly, "I'll certainly want your help once we find this necromancer. Until then, I'm not sure what you can do to help."

"We can shoot zombies," Kuwabara offered hopefully. "I mean, I'll need a machine gun first, but then I can shoot zombies."

"Wait on that idea until we know if the exorcism works," Koenma said hastily. "But at least tell Yusuke and Kurama about this. And Hiei –" Koenma found himself speaking to a wall rather than the expected fire demon. "I hate it when he does that," Koenma announced. "Then again, I think he's already gone to carry my position on the matter to Mukuro, so I suppose it's all right."

Kuwabara scowled at his cell phone. "I get no reception here," he pointed out. "You should do something about that."

"We're in a separate dimension, Kuwabara," Koenma said patiently. "I doubt your phone service carries over to other worlds."

Botan said, "I think I'd better get going, then. I'll give the exorcism a go, and if it works, I'll call the girls. Does that sound all right?"

Koenma made an approving noise, which prompted Botan to hurry from the office purposefully. "Go call Yusuke," he said to Kuwabara. "I don't care where you have to go to get reception. Be old-fashioned and go to his house."

"We'll try," Kuwabara said, taking Yukina's arm before they swept from the room.

Koenma stared at nothing for a long moment, then filled his lungs and bawled, "Jorge! Where are the files on all the necromancers?"

By that time, Botan was already spiraling down from the sky in the human world in search of a zombie. Deciding to start with the universities, she found herself led astray by many zombie-like students before she finally stumbled across the real item skulking in the shadow of a dormitory and arguing with what looked like a girlfriend.

Botan landed noiselessly and walked over to the bickering pair, to be greeted with an unfriendly "Shove off, would you?" from the zombie.

Botan tapped her fingers along the oar shaft. "I'm here to collect your soul." The direct approach had served her well in the past.

"Oh, God, not another lunatic woman," the zombie muttered. He grubbed in a pocket and flicked some spare change at her. "I've got religion already, lady. Buy yourself a drink or something."

Botan huffed impatiently. "Of course you do. Look, have you been in a car accident lately? You look it."

The girlfriend looked from Botan to the zombie, then back at Botan. "Why are you talking to nothing?"

"What do you mean, nothing?" the zombie asked. "There's some crazy girl there in a weird costume. I know she's there. I mean, she caught the change I gave her, didn't she?"

"If this is your way of trying to get me to think that you need immediate help, it's working," the girlfriend snapped. "Now, I've told you a million times not to speed so much, especially when you're stoned, and I am not going to be exploited just because I'm your girl and a med student and won't say anything about your weed habit. Go to the goddamn hospital and leave me alone, I have a test tomorrow." She pushed past the zombie angrily and stormed into the building.

"You don't want to go to a hospital," Botan said. "They'll check your pulse, and when they can't find one, they'll shoot you full of drugs until they do. And when they still can't find it, you'll be written up in a million medical journals."

"Will they pay me?" the zombie demanded.

Botan sighed impatiently. "No, they won't. Now look, that body you're in isn't going to heal, it's just going to rot. I can get you right out of it and we'll go to the spirit world, shall we?"

The zombie looked at her with deep suspicion showing in his dilated pupils. Botan smiled and radiated harmlessness. "The spirit world, you say?"

"Spirit world," Botan confirmed with a nod.

A very odd smile split the zombie's face and his eyes gleamed. "A girl with an oar from the spirit world who offers to exorcise a dead man," said the zombie, his voice suddenly deep and velvety. "You're a ferry girl."

Botan nodded again. "I am. You do know your mythology," she added, her eyes narrowing slightly in suspicion at the voice change. There was also the small matter of it not being human mythology that the boy knew.

"I do," said the zombie in its fruity new tones. "And I think I recognize you."

All the hairs on the back of Botan's neck stood up. "You do."

"Carry a message to your boss," the zombie said lightly. "Tell him that it is time."

"Time for what?" Botan demanded.

The zombie whistled rather than answer. "They will come," he said mildly. "Can you destroy us all?"

Botan whirled around, looking at the ring of zombies that was slowly closing in around her. Her first move was to wish herself visible, just in case she had to call for help. Next, she hastily sketched a few symbols into the air, aiming the last at the unctuous-voiced zombie. He made a funny squeak before flopping to the ground, a small sphere of pale fire hanging in the air where his heart had been.

"You have some power," said another zombie with the exact same voice and expression as the first. "But do you have enough to exorcise all of them at once?"

"Them?" Botan asked, then shrieked and flailed with her oar as the circle of zombies closed in around her. "Get off me!" Her skill at swinging around a heavy piece of wood did very little good, as the zombies quickly disarmed her and tossed the oar aside.

It occurred to Botan that it didn't matter if she screamed, because in all likelihood, no one could see or hear her. She did it anyway in complete desperation, though surely they didn't mean to really hurt her. Not if they wanted her carrying a message.

"But we don't need you to carry a message," said the zombie who had inherited the lovely voice, and she realized that she had been screaming her thoughts at them. "It would just have been a convenience. We have other methods of speaking to Koenma, my dear."

"What are you doing with me?" Botan demanded breathlessly. Some small part of her mind was shrinking in embarrassment at the state of her clothes, which had not recovered gently from her scuffle and were instead making her look a bit like a centerfold for the people who liked their girls traditional, blue-haired, and bloodied up.

"Well," said the spokesperson, "if you were to disappear from a simple mission of exorcism, Koenma might think twice about sending more ferry girls after you. And even if he does, we can handle them. Like we plan to handle you."

"Handle me?" Botan asked shakily.

The spokesperson hummed in thought. "I like burial alive for you, my dear. Open that outdoor cellar, please," he requested of the other zombies, who were moving before he finished his sentence. When the first zombie's arm broke off from the strain, another slid in and finished the job.

Botan eyed the dead arm on the ground, noticed that it was still twitching, and shuddered in her captor's grip. "You...you're really going to bury me alive?"

"It's the best thing I can think of on short notice," the spokesperson confirmed. "Be glad that you're the first one. By the time I encounter your successors, I'll have something much more..._final_ arranged."

Botan, detecting that he was in earnest, began to fight wildly. "Let me go! Let me go, I tell you! I have friends who'll kill you all if you hurt me! You know who I work for! You know what he does to people who cross him! You know who he summons!"

"That," said the spokesperson, their smile curling at the corners into a very catlike expression, "would not be disagreeable."

"You're not him," Botan whispered as the zombies dragged her towards the cellar. "You aren't the person who died in that body, are you?"

"He's here," the spokesperson admitted, "but I just had to speak with you, so I am here too."

"Why are you doing this?" Botan shrieked desperately, feeling the ground go out from underneath her feet. The grip on her arms slackened and she fell hard, cracking the back of her head on the cement. "Why are you...?" she repeated as red mist drifted across her vision.

"I would be ruler of three worlds," said the velvety voice. "Bury her."

Botan heard the scraping of metal on asphalt just before the ragged spot of light above her was blotted out. Her scream of denial and terror lasted as long as it took the first of the trash cans to fall on her, and no longer.

The speaker for the zombies watched the burial process solemnly, then turned his eyes to the recently exorcised student. A quick gesture sent the soul back into the body, which the spokesperson helped to its feet. "Are you well?" he asked solicitously.

The zombie student nodded and rubbed his eyes. "Shit, man, I guess I am really dead."

The beautiful feline smile widened. "There are worse things to be." He raised a hand for attention. "My dears, we are found out. Be prepared to defend yourself. I will help you as well as I can, which I may pride myself in saying is very well indeed. Come to me if you are in any way harmed or otherwise desire restoration and I will see you. And watch for more of your kind. I will be opening the afterlife so that the souls may be allowed to return to their bodies. I will start with the hells," he mused, "and go from there. Until then." The spokesperson touched his temple as a quick salute, then blinked rapidly and looked around. "I could use a drink," he said in a very different voice. "Any of you want to come with?" There was a cheerful chorus of assent and the zombies began to disband.

One of their number trudged over to the outdoor cellar and stared morosely down at the arm lying on the ground. "Well, hell," she said sadly. "That was my dominant hand, that was. Hey, you think people will buy me drinks if I'm missing an arm?"

"Not if you're carrying it around, they won't," said a middle-aged woman with a large pocketbook. "You just pop that in here, hon, and we'll see about getting that fixed after we've gotten some food in us."

"And beer," a third zombie said. "Breaking out of the morgue made me thirsty, dammit."

"Do watch your language," the matron said, tucking the arm away. "Are we ready here?"

"First round on me!" announced another zombie, which effectively emptied the alley.

Koenma began to feel the effects of this meeting long before he knew that Botan was in any trouble. It started with a few flashing lights in a distant maintenance room. When these flashing lights could not be calmed by the poking of a few buttons and a coffee break, they got more insistent and shaded towards an alarming red. A minor alarm followed, which turned into a much louder alarm throughout more rooms, which eventually scaled up into a full-palace, eardrum-destroying wail accompanied by madcap strobe lights.

"Waugh!" Jorge said pitifully, dropping a stack of necromancer-related files to clap his hands over his ears. "Koenma-sama, what _is_ that?"

Koenma had gone very pale and teenager-shaped. "It can't be," he whispered. "It's impossible."

"What?" Jorge screamed, completely unable to hear over the alarm.

Still bone-white, Koenma collapsed onto his chair, which had grown to fit him accordingly. "The hells, Jorge."

"What?" Jorge screamed again. "How do we shut off the alarm?" he added.

Koenma made a slight motion and the sound died away, though the lights still flashed wildly. "That alarm goes off when souls escape from the hells. An alarm of that magnitude means that all of the hells have been opened. All the souls that we have ever condemned are now roaming free into all of the worlds. All of them." Koenma dropped his face into his hands, switched forms twice in distress, and ended by tugging at his hair in frustration. "Find the ferry girls. Find them all. We'll need all of them to just close the hells back up. Find the guards. Get them off their vacations."

"But Koenma-sama," Jorge protested.

"But _what?"_ Koenma nearly screamed.

Jorge shuffled in place for a bit. "It's Botan, you see. She hasn't come back. Or reported in. Or anything. She's vanished."

Koenma sighed heavily. "Then tell the ferry girls to try closing the hells back up again anyway. Haven't you tried scanning the human world for her?"

"Not yet," Jorge said. "Shall I go do that?"

Koenma made an unhappy noise. "Yes. Fine. Go. Give me those papers," he added, reaching for the files on necromancers. "I am going to find who did this," he added quietly.

"But Koenma-sama," Jorge said again. "You don't know anything that would help you distinguish him."

"Shut up, Jorge!" Koenma exploded. "Go! Get! Botan!"

Some time before this alarming incident occurred, Kurama was busy wondering what else was in store for them. "I really do not like this," he told Hiei when the fire demon had finished recounting the events of his afternoon, complete with espresso beans.

"I don't think anyone is pleased by this," Hiei replied dryly.

Kurama got up and paced to the window. "That's not what I was getting at. What I meant was that we have all killed a good number of people who probably resent us for it. If you have reason to suspect that the demon world is in the same condition, then there may well be people searching for us with massive grudges. And it's not just us, either. I'd bet that there are people looking for Yusuke and maybe Kuwabara, too, though he hasn't had the opportunity to thoroughly anger people like the rest of us have."

Hiei looked sideways at Kurama. "Are you thinking of anyone in particular?"

"No."

The problem with anything that Kurama said, Hiei reflected, was that he was a damn good liar. "So what do you plan to do?"

Kurama ignored him in lieu of following the sound of the front door slamming. "I'm home!" Hatanaka Shuuichi yelled.

"Good!" Kurama called back. "Stay home."

Hatanaka Shuuichi went to the stairs and looked resentfully up at Kurama. "God, what's your problem tonight? You're never like this."

"As long as you listen to me, I don't care," Kurama said abruptly, slamming back into his room. "I never yell at him. I think he'll stay here."

"You haven't answered my question of what you were going to do," Hiei pointed out.

"In a minute." Kurama didn't even stop, but went to stare out his window with an odd look on his face. "There's a zombie out there heading for the door," he added before climbing over the sill and dropping out of sight. He landed noiselessly, but the motion was enough to make the zombie turn to look at him. "Is there a reason for your presence?" Kurama inquired.

"You just jumped out of a window," the zombie observed. "What the hell kind of acrobat are you?"

"The kind that keeps the lawn well-seeded with demon sawgrass," Kurama informed him. "I'm not fond of trespassers."

"Hey!" the zombie protested. "You're not allowed to just casually kill trespassers, though!" he added as the sawgrass began growing at a terrific rate.

"I doubt that death will really bother you," Kurama pointed out as the sawgrass snapped through the air, then began scaling back up the wall of his house.

Hiei wordlessly handed him back in through the window, then said mildly, "All right. I will take that as an answer."

"Sounds good," Kurama said, leaving the room. "I want food. Are you expecting me to feed you?"

They had gotten most of the way downstairs in companionable silence before Hiei said abruptly, "You are thinking about someone in particular, aren't you?"

Kurama jumped, then nearly fell over his stepbrother, who was about to head upstairs. "I hate it when you do that."

"I've never liked your habit of sneaking up behind me, but it hasn't stopped you," Hiei said reasonably. "Who are you thinking of?"

"What are you talking about?" Hatanaka Shuuichi wanted to know.

"Zombies," Kurama said with perfect truth, and wandered into the kitchen. "And I'm not thinking about anyone, you are. Who do you think I should be worried about?"

"I don't," Hiei replied. There was the sound of a door slamming.

"It's Yusuke that we all should really be worried about. He's killed a lot of people who weren't exactly happy about it, and fairly recently. If these zombies need bodies to go back to, they're probably the most likely. Then again, he has rather destroyed the bodies of all who would challenge him again. Or managed to befriend them," Kurama pointed out, reaching for the phone. "You haven't talked to him? I thought not." Kurama dialed, listened impatiently to the ringing, then turned the phone off when the rings turned into a busy signal. "Damn."

"Kurama?" Hiei's voice sounded normal enough, but there was something in it that got Kurama's attention very quickly. "Don't move." There was a thunk. "I think this is a different one than you took care of a few minutes ago."

Kurama turned and examined the zombie, which had been stabbed through the heart. "It's still in one piece," he observed. "Are you practicing restraint?"

"You were in the way," Hiei replied absently, removing his sword and examining it for zombie entrails.

"You know, I don't think that you've quite killed it either," Kurama said, eying the lessening distance between himself and the zombie.

"How can it not be dead yet?" Hiei demanded, staring blankly as Kurama dodged out of the zombie's reach.

"I don't know, but it's not dead yet, I tell you!" Kurama insisted, eyes wide. It was one thing to talk about zombies or to kill them from afar. It was another to have one trying to grab him.

The zombie sighed heavily. "I am not an it! And there had better not be other people coming around trying to poach on my thieving grounds. Now, look, I know that your parents aren't here, so what say you be nice and let me do my job?"

Kurama blinked. "Did you miss the part where he just put a sword through your heart?"

The zombie looked unimpressed. "Did _you_ miss the part where I'm still walking and talking, pretty boy? Now give over, will you? Just because I'm not so alive doesn't mean this doesn't work either," he added, hiking up his shirt to reveal the butt of a gun.

Kurama smiled politely at the man, then very deliberately moved to the side.

"Apparently, dying doesn't make humans any smarter," Hiei observed a heartbeat later from his new position of being next to Kurama. "But then, I suppose we already knew that. Look at Yusuke."

"Well, he has gotten much more intelligent since we first met him," Kurama noted. "It just doesn't seem to be related to all the times where he's died." He reached out and poked the zombie, which slid apart and crashed to the floor in several pieces. "I take back what I said about restraint. Thank you. What are these blasted things doing in my house? It's quiet outside, so it doesn't seem like there's more of them casually breaking into every house along this street. Why here?" Off Hiei's look, he added, "Fine, there are two relatively powerful demons sitting in the kitchen. But I don't think that that's it. Why would human zombies be going after demons?"

Hiei pointed out, "It could be a demon who knows very well that the best way to get rid of us is to attack in the human world. It could be a human who doesn't like having demons running around their world. Until you find the person creating these things, you won't know."

There was another loud crash from the region of the front door. "Maybe it's just a drunk," Kurama said in the dreamy voice of one who says "Maybe it's Johnny Depp."

"Hey!" Hatanaka Shuuichi said indignantly from the stairs. "You tell me to stay indoors and make nice while you destroy the house? That is so not fair!"

"Do I look like I'm destroying the house?" Kurama asked patiently.

Hatanaka Shuuichi chose to not answer, instead staring at the pieces of zombie on the kitchen floor. "What _is_ that?"

There was a final, shattering crash from the direction of the front door, followed by a wafting smell of decay. "No more," Kurama said, sounding thoroughly exasperated. "I have _had_ it with these things." He stalked to the entryway and looked emptily at the zombie trying to disentangle itself from the coat rack. "Hiei?"

"What now?"

"Do you mind keeping my brother alive? Thank you." If there was an objection, Kurama ignored it. "I'm the incumbent demon for this area. All of this is my territory, and I don't care how impervious you creatures think you are to dying. Why are you all pestering me?" he demanded of the zombie. This one was in a far more advanced state of decay than any others had been. Very little was left of its skin or hair, and what there was showed an alarming tendency to fall off.

The zombie scratched its head, with distressing results. "Because I have to," it finally confided. "Y'see, when you wake up and bang your way out of wherever you were, you sort of realize that if the Man wants you to do something and you've nothing better to do, you do it."

Kurama blinked. "And you have nothing better to do?"

The zombie nodded. "Correct. Anyway, he said to get rid of the girly demon that felt like you do right quick. There were others, too, but he thinks you'll be more of an asset dead than alive."

"I think I can see why," Kurama mused. "So he sends humans up against me, thinking that I might not resist because I'm squeamish."

The zombie shrugged. "Hell if I know. I don't even believe in demons. I went where my feet took me. And hey presto, I find a girly demon."

There was a fast blur of motion, a few thumps, and Kurama ended up with one bare foot firmly planted on the back of the zombie's neck and his fingers pulling the zombie's head back in prelude to breaking its neck. "I am not girly," he said indignantly.

"Yes, you are," said the zombie conspiratorially. "Gnk," it added when Kurama pulled a little harder.

"So tell me," Kurama said thoughtfully. "Just what does it take to kill you? I don't believe that you don't know. Everything knows instinctively what will kill it. It's how things stay alive."

"I know what would have killed me as a human!" the zombie wailed. "But I don't think anything will do it now! It doesn't seem to matter what happens to the body, as long as the spirit is still there!"

"Cutting you up into small pieces seems to have done the job," Kurama observed. "Or at least given you serious pause. Are you telling me that people who have been cremated might well be out and about?"

"I don't know!"

Kurama smiled. "Well then. I'd heard breaking the neck would do it, so..." There was a resounding crack. "How is that?"

The zombie rolled an eye at him, then cracked its jaw. "Ow," it gargled gloomily.

"So you do feel pain?" Kurama asked. "Wise of your maker."

"You just broke my neck!" the zombie complained. "And I did nothing to you!"

Kurama shrugged. "You broke in. And this is my territory."

"I'm really starting to believe that you are a demon," the zombie observed. "Geh," it added as Kurama idly twisted its neck to make sure that it was well and truly broken. "It's good, it's good, it's good," it squeaked as its voicebox was inconveniently squished. "Glk."

"There goes that idea," Kurama sighed. "And it seems unlikely that just removing limbs really stops you, unless it's all of them. Fire might do it. I hope fire does it, or we _will_ have all the cremated people out and about as well. You don't seem to need to breathe, so drowning is out. I also assume that burying is pointless, as people in your condition must have already dealt with that part at least."

"Werble," said the zombie woefully.

"Kurama?" When Kurama twisted to look over his shoulder, Hiei was standing idly at the other end of the hall, looking thoroughly and studiously unconcerned. "So you told me to keep your human brother from dying."

"Something like that," Kurama agreed before turning back to his quarry. "Why?"

"I thought I should inform you that he seems to be trying to vomit up his stomach lining," Hiei said innocently.

Kurama dragged one hand over his eyes. "Don't use that tone of voice. It makes my head hurt. Why is he doing this?"

"I don't think that the undead agree with him," Hiei answered. "The fact that he is convinced that you're an undercover assassin might be helping. I wasn't aware that you knew how to break necks so professionally."

"Neither was I," said Kurama. "I'll be back," he added, and tracked the sound of retching to where Hatanaka Shuuichi was making copious sacrifices to the porcelain idol. "Are you all right?"

"No," said Hatanaka Shuuichi bitterly. "What are you, some kind of ninja? I am definitely telling on you. There is no way that you learned how do to that kind of stuff honestly."

"Yes, there is," Kurama said indignantly. "Just because you don't know about it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. You're distracting me."

"I don't care," said Hatanaka Shuuichi stubbornly. "Go away."

"No," Kurama told him. "You saw those things? The ones that broke in?" There was a pause as Hatanaka Shuuichi got his gag reflex under control. "You won't believe this, but they wanted to kill us both."

"But you went totally ninja on them!" Hatanaka Shuuichi protested.

"I did not," Kurama retorted. "Listen, here's a deal. If you do what I say, I'll put you on the next train north with more money than you know what to do with."

"And what are you going to do?" Hatanaka Shuuichi demanded.

Kurama shrugged. "Stay here, I think. It depends on where I'm needed."

"And where do you get the money?"

"I have an after school job," Kurama lied blithely. "One that gave me all my ninja skills."

Hatanaka Shuuichi absorbed this with the evident delight of someone who watches too much television. "_Cool_."

"All right. You stay here for a bit. I have to actually go get the money, you see. I'll be back quite shortly," Kurama said brightly. "You might want to get out the bleach while I'm gone. The kitchen is quite a mess."

"Pay me extra?" Hatanaka Shuuichi tried to bargain. Kurama named the sum that he had originally planned to hand over, which effectively shut the other boy up and sent him hunting for disinfectant and toothpaste.

"Are you done yet?" Hiei asked from the hallway. "I have better things to be doing."

"No, you don't," Kurama said, heading for the front door and stepping over the remains of the third zombie. It had been fried to a crisp and was minus a few useful limbs. "Or if you do, pretend you don't for the next half hour."

Hiei decided not to explain that this would have been his plan of action anyway. "Where are you going this time?"

"I need money," Kurama said. "If we're going to be mobile on Earth, we're going to need a lot of it. And besides, I'm pretty much bribing my brother to go north to find my parents."

"Where are you going to get money?" Hiei asked.

Kurama gave him a long look that asked quite plainly if he had suffered any severe head injuries lately. "You are getting used to being a lawful figure, aren't you? _I_ don't even know how rich I am."

Hiei had a suspicious feeling that Kurama actually had a very exact figure in mind when he considered his monetary assets. "I am not a lawful figure."

"We can argue about that later," Kurama told him before disappearing into the dusk outside.

Hiei glared at the space where the door had been. "I am _not_ a lawful figure." Obtaining the last word had always been good for his ego.

* * *

Kurama/Johnny Depp. Oo-er.

Do they ever explain exactly how the ferry girls pick out which souls to grab? I'm guessing, here.

**Bluespark:** Wow. Someone was actually waiting for this. -dies of shock-

**Oya:** Ssh. That's a secret. (He wasn't actually bitten.)

**CuriousDreamWeaver:** I would totally not study if that happened.

**Nyte Kit:** Yukina is...difficult. She doesn't get a lot of screen time and what there is tends to not display much about her. I'm trying things, seeing how people react, then trying something else, etc.

**Funara:** Aha. The speaking style is my tremendous weakness. I shall strive harder. If there's anything specific, let me know. I tend to follow the manga more closely since I actually have access to it, however, and at least in the manga Kurama and Hiei tend to both be more vocal and, in Kurama's case, have a twisted sense of humor that I don't detect in the anime so much...

**KyoHana:** -blushgrin- Thank you! I'm glad I'm hooking people.

**A lilmatchgirl:** I'm loving the zombies myself.

**darksaphire:** Ut semper, ut semper.

**Inverse-chan:** I've done the whole thing beforehand, so you WILL get the end. I promise.

**Capella Alpha Aurigae:** Yes, you were supposed to be mostly lost in the first conversation, as it started in the middle. I liked it better than actually starting the conversation, because there was so much small talk potential, and neither of them really _do_ small talk...and argh. Mostly the idea is that everyone but Kuwabara knows what is going on, and Yusuke is attempting a bit of a fine Italian hand and failing. Oh, and I do tend to have running jokes, hence the pr0n.

**Kooriya Yui:** ...there are other necromancy fics?

**Funeral-Angel:** He'll quiet down once things get serious. He usually does. Er. Sort of.

**Pyro Falkon:** Erm. Zombie drool. Thank...you?

**kikira-san:** Shotgun: Traditional weapon of choice against zombies.

**Four Winds:** Thanks!

**Liviania:** Oh, lord, are there more bets. I think I went a little crazy.

**KD Ebonykitty:** Oo. Thanks for the fave.

* * *

**Dude. I can _see_ you if you read and don't review. Please do!**


	3. in which fateful things are uttered

Yes. I magically acquired the rights to YYH since last week. However did you guess?

* * *

**chapter three: in which fateful things are uttered**

Getting back into the demon world wasn't terribly hard. It helped, of course, that he was incredibly well known. There were some demons that the guards had never really argued with when they crossed, and Kurama was one of them. He had raised plenty of hell in the past thousand years or so, but it had very rarely been border-related, which thus made him much dearer to the border guards than the average demon.

It also helped that part of his reputation included his power level.

He had only been running through the telltale woods of the demon world for a few minutes when he realized that someone was trying to quietly follow him. Kurama sighed, ran a few more steps, and effectively disappeared.

His pursuer skidded to a halt, looked around, and swore quietly.

"So they make you out of demons, too," Kurama observed from the tree above the demon zombie. "You really aren't that clever, are you? Must you keep tracking me onto my home ground?"

"Yes," said the demon zombie, "because you just keep going onto said home ground. I don't know, I'm not the one after you. The one who raised me is the one who wants me to follow you."

"Am I the only one you're supposed to be looking for?" Kurama asked, swinging one leg idly. "Or do you have some big list where people tack up names and you all go out and have a whack at whoever comes up?"

"What the hell kind of idea is that?" the zombie demanded.

Kurama shrugged. "Humans in Rome used to do it, or something very like it. Well, am I?"

"I don't think it's you personally," the zombie mused. "I mean, here I am, minding my own business, and you go racing past, and suddenly I'm off after you without my legs so much as consulting me about it. Bloody pain in the ass, that. And considering that I seem to have, in my infinite wisdom, decided to chase after you, I think I'd better ask you not to make that a reality for me."

"Good man," Kurama said approvingly. "So who was it that raised you? I want to talk to them."

"You could have just asked," said the zombie in a much more melodic tone. "I don't want my dears being hurt for information about me, so I choose to not tell them and get in touch myself."

Kurama blinked. "So you just gave it a miss the first time I asked? Or can't you keep track of every single slave you send to try and kill me? And if you don't want them hurt, why send human ones against me unarmed?"

The zombie with its new personality seemed to consider this. "Well, I did wonder if you would hesitate to kill humans. I know that there are penalties for that sort of thing."

Kurama looked sharply at the zombie. "What are you playing at?"

"I am playing at nothing," the zombie replied. "And it is not so much of a loss. I shall collect the bodies, put them back together, and they will be quite well taken care of."

"Put them back together?" Kurama asked. "Just how do you do that?"

The zombie looked at its hands. "One of my little gifts," he said modestly.

"Along with raising the dead and projecting yourself into the bodies of dead people," Kurama continued. "You seem quite skilled."

"I am that," the zombie agreed. "I should like you to understand, of course, that any attempts that have been made on your life as well as the lives of your human companions are purely a business matter. Nothing personal."

Kurama decided that since Hiei wasn't there, he could pursue a particular line of thought without a twinge of hypocrisy. "Do you know who you raise, or do you do it indiscriminately?"

The zombie smiled. "Well, by now all the souls in the hells that I've opened should have been tagged by my power and be searching for their bodies. What happens after that is up to the strength and determination in the soul."

Kurama exhaled slowly. "Indiscriminate it is, then. You're a necromancer."

"We did cover that, yes," the zombie said with the necromancer's voice.

"Do you know if it's common for a dead person to try and find the one who killed them, or perhaps finish a job they started when they died?" Kurama asked. "Or do the dead have more to occupy their time?"

The necromancer shrugged the zombie's shoulders. "It's really up to the individual. Some people are just obsessive. Very often revenge is discounted in favour of simply continuing life as usual. Why, are you expecting company?"

Kurama considered. "Well, after a thousand years of living life the way I have, I suppose that not getting any angry zombies showing up on my doorstep at all would be a bit odd."

"I think you're expecting someone in particular," the necromancer said. Off Kurama's look, he added, "But you don't like that suggestion, do you?"

"No," said Kurama. "I don't. Do you mind telling me just why you've set out to raise the dead?"

"Yes," the necromancer said. "Yes, I mind."

Kurama blinked, then pursued, "All right. Do you mind telling me why killing me was a business necessity?"

"I do not mind telling you that," the necromancer decided. "My first impulse was to try and dissuade Koenma from going after me, either with exorcism or with brute force. I think I have kept him from using exorcism, but the complications of attacking you and your former teammates proved to be more trouble than it was worth."

"Really?" Kurama asked.

The necromancer sighed. "There was the issue of my not being able to even find half of your number. You keep moving, that other demon and the full human are both where I just can't think to look, and Urameshi Yusuke...well, I've sent many of my dears up against him with shatteringly bad results."

"You would not be the first person to have that sentiment," Kurama said gravely. "Would you mind leaving me alone now?"

"Even if you had not asked, I would be withdrawing and regrouping," the necromancer replied equally solemnly. "But I do try to be cordial to everyone, as everyone will eventually fall into my reign. I go now, and you have my assurances that I will not target you with my dears. I may choose other ways, however."

"I'll keep it in mind," Kurama said dryly. "Now go away, please."

"I go, I go," the necromancer replied with a smile that managed to be charming even without evidence of teeth or lips. When the smile died, the zombie said in a more normal tone of voice, "I feel so violated."

Kurama laced his fingers together under his chin and waited.

"Oh shit," said the zombie when it caught sight of him again, and bolted.

Kurama had to admit that he felt strangely flattered.

"That was an interesting conversation you had," piped up another voice before he could swing down from the tree. "Not that I was deliberately eavesdropping, you see, but I feel it is in my best interests to know about all the emerging powers. Very often they need loans."

"You call that an emerging power?" Kurama asked scornfully. "He didn't even bother to send anyone worth killing after me. I would be insulted if I thought he might have been seriously trying to kill me. And don't lie, you eavesdrop shamelessly all the time. How else would you make money?"

"On the interest, my good youko, _interest_," said the greenish caterpillar-looking creature that still somehow managed to resemble an oily banker. Perhaps it was something in the brown fuzz that puts one in mind of a bad toupee.

"Personal interest, you mean," Kurama corrected.

"Semantics, semantics." The caterpillar waved it off airily with one stubby appendage. "What do you need for your masquerade today?"

"As much as you can give me and then maybe some more," Kurama said. "You heard about what's been brewing. I need mobility, and in the human world that can't be done without money."

The caterpillar gave the impression of raising one eyebrow. This was impressive, considering the lack of discernible eyes.

"All right, fine," Kurama conceded. "I don't have to get money before I start. But I don't want to waste time planning and staging a major heist. I need this now."

"And what, pray tell, are you going to give me for this?" the caterpillar asked. "If you want as large a sum of money as you're hinting at, I want something a little more concrete than an IOU, you backstabbing bastard."

Kurama accepted these aspersions on his character without a twitch. "I would have thought that you would want more than concrete, Pelf."

"And don't be a smartass," Pelf added. "It doesn't go well with your face."

Kurama sighed. "You'll get what you want, but not here. Wait for me at the border."

"After all the history we have! And all the transactions we've made in which I've been honest, or mostly so and then fully when encouraged! Do you still not trust me to have a vague idea of where your lair is?" Pelf wailed.

"Not in the slightest," Kurama told him. "Because you're a blackmailer and a snitch on top of your general air of dishonesty, that's why," he added when Pelf seemed about to argue. "And there's more, but there are people waiting for me in the human world and I'd be in a hurry anyway. Go and I'll catch up."

Pelf started to argue, but the tree that Kurama was sitting in creaked ominously. "An excellent idea," the caterpillar demon said hastily. "I'll just be over there. Somewhere. Now."

Kurama favoured him with a brilliant smile, watched him go, then breathed something to the tree trunk. He stuck one hand into the rapidly opening hole, rummaged around for a bit, then came up with several pawn receipts. After some quick mental mathematics and the addition of another receipt to the pile, Kurama muttered a few more words to the tree and dropped to the ground.

It really was quite convenient to have such things stored in every tree for at least a square kilometre.

"How come it is," Pelf began when Kurama walked up and silently proffered the receipts, "that you never give me anything worth really looking at? Always bits of paper with you. I thought you liked your shiny things."

"I want bits of paper in return," Kurama pointed out. "And plastic."

"How much of each?" Pelf asked, rearing up and twitching some of his foremost appendages. The air between them started to shimmer. When Kurama rattled off two sums, three credit cards in three different names and a sizeable lump of bills dropped to the ground. Pelf summarily snatched the receipts from Kurama's hand with a long, ropy tongue and devoured them. "See, now that's a mark of how well I trust you, in that I never ask for payment in advance."

"Eliciting guilt is not a thing that suits you," Kurama told him, picking up his share and starting out along the border.

"A pleasure doing business with you!" Pelf yelled at his retreating back. "Come back any time!"

Back in the human world, Shizuru poked her head outside one last time to look at the thoroughly clobbered zombies which she had fashioned into a makeshift barrier outside the door, then sighed and went to go hunt up her brother's kitten.

Once found, moving the kitten to the carrier took fifteen minutes, fourteen of which were spent trying to unhook all of the kitten's claws from the rug at once. It seemed to Shizuru that for every claw she unhooked, four more sprouted out of nowhere and latched more firmly on. However, she finally managed to get the kitten into its carrier and the two of them out the door. One bus ride and three cigarettes later had her rapping on Yusuke's door and trying to keep Kuwabara's kitten from shaking the carrier out of her hand. "Yusuke! Open up! I want to know where my brother is and I don't have Botan to threaten!"

To her slight bewilderment, it was Keiko who pulled the door open. "Yusuke's on the phone with Kuwabara. He and Yukina are coming here from some border or other."

"Yes, well, while he's out flirting with his lady friend, I'm being attacked by creatures that I swear are zombies, or at least really gnarly-smelling demons," Shizuru said irritably.

"Yusuke says that they are the undead, and they've only just left off trying to get in here," Keiko said. "You'd best come in."

"Do you have anywhere I can put an angry kitten?" Shizuru asked as she stepped out of her shoes.

"Probably anywhere," Keiko said thoughtfully, opening the carrier door. Its prisoner flopped out bonelessly and lay in a sulking heap on the floor with one eye glaring malevolently and the other hidden by a foreleg.

Atsoko poked her head over the top of the couch blearily, cigarette affixed to one side of her mouth. "'Lo, Shizuru. You having problems with the undead too?"

Shizuru was long past wondering what kind of bizarre world she lived in any more, but that greeting was still on the weird side. "I got sick of beating them off for no reason that I could understand other than that they were zombies, and I've seen too many movies for me to want them near me."

Atsoko waved her over to the couch. "Speaking of movies, there's one on now. I figured we'd want to brush up on our anti-undead techniques."

Shizuru and Keiko looked at each other, then plopped onto the couch and started to watch avidly.

Fifteen minutes later, Yusuke walked into the room with a recently lit cigarette and observed, "This is the sort of moment that requires popcorn."

Squinting at him through the haze of three currently lit cigarettes, Keiko added, "This is the sort of moment that spawns lung cancer."

"Yeah, yeah," Yusuke said, squishing himself onto her lap and turning the volume on the television down. "Kuwabara and Yukina are going to be along in a little while with news from Koenma. They were explaining, but then the bus driver turned out to be a zombie and I figured that I'd have to wait."

"Typical," Shizuru murmured. "I was hoping to find my brother before I left. I'm going to Genkai's temple, you see, and I figured he'd go apeshit if he came home and his precious kitten was there alone."

Everyone turned to look at the kitten. It glared back. "I see," Yusuke finally said. "You know, while we're having this conversation, I don't suppose that you'd mind persuading my mother and Keiko to come with you?"

"Has she got satellite television?" Atsoko asked.

"The best of all three worlds," Shizuru replied, poker-faced.

"I am not being gotten out of the way!" Keiko said indignantly. "It's not like I've never gone with you before!"

Yusuke rubbed his hands over his eyes. "All right. Remember all those times when you went with me? You were usually a little bit removed from the death and maiming that occurred. Now, it's starting to look like the death and maiming is going to be all over the place. You won't be able to watch without someone coming after you, at this rate. Besides, I'm feeling the need to be in three places at once, and Genkai's is one of them."

Keiko looked boot-faced. "You are just saying that to make me feel important."

Yusuke didn't challenge this, but twisted to look Keiko in the eye. "Please? I swear, it's not just a protect-the-womenfolk mentality."

"Yes, it is," Keiko said heavily, "but I suppose it's a wise enough one, considering the power of the stuff that's tried to kill you in the past. I'll go to Genkai's."

"Thank you!" Yusuke said cheerfully, kissing her. After five seconds of their being thus occupied, Shizuru and Atsoko both found other really fascinating things to look at.

"Urameshiiii!" The idyllic moment was firmly squashed by Kuwabara's shriek from the front doorstep. "Open up!"

Keiko turned an unhealthy shade of pink and shoved Yusuke off of her lap as Shizuru let Kuwabara and Yukina in. "You know, considering your visitors, I don't think they'll mind," Shizuru pointed out. She then wheeled on her brother and thumped him on the head with a fist. "Where have you been?"

"We got lost," Yukina said apologetically. "And...um, distracted."

Shizuru decided to not address that point further. "So Keiko and Yusuke's mother and I are going to Genkai's temple to see if we can be of use, because Yusuke begged and puppy-eyed and whined until Keiko agreed."

"I did not use the puppy eyes," Yusuke objected. "If I had, she wouldn't have held out as long as she did."

"Would you like to come?" Shizuru continued to Yukina, ignoring the interruption.

Yukina opened her mouth, then bit her lip and thought. "I will take you there," she finally said. "If Genkai needs me, I will stay, but I would much prefer to remain here with Kuwabara, if this is all right."

"If that's your plan, you should probably go before the next wave of zombies shows up or the trains break down or whatever it is that's going to happen next," Yusuke said decisively.

Shizuru groaned. "I refuse to pry that kitten from the carpet again. Kazuma, get your cat and put it in the carrier; I've already had my hands shredded."

The ensuing whirlwind of activity finally left Yusuke and Kuwabara waving at a receding train, both of them with lipstick smudged over their mouths and slightly giddy in the brain area.

"Is it getting hotter in here?" Kuwabara finally deigned to ask as comprehension returned and it occurred to them that they were very near to being trampled by people fleeing the city as fast as they could find a train.

"Considering that Yukina is no longer here, it's possible," Yusuke agreed. "Oo-er."

There was a very quiet, hastily stifled burst of laughter from behind them. "You know, usually an increase in temperature is due to the _presence_ of your lady friend."

"Gah!" said Kuwabara, whirling around. "Don't scare me like that! Where did you come from?"

Kurama laughed again. "I just shoved my brother onto a train with more cash than he could spend in a year and a few pointy sticks and told him to find my parents. Then I got on a different train and came here. Hiei should be waiting for me outside; I told him where to go. You see, I'd called in enough favours from him today, so I decided not to push my luck by making him come with me on a train. We'd rather like to talk to you two."

"I see," Yusuke sighed. "Well, we'll go back to my place, then."

Kurama slipped between the other two as they started to walk out. "You know," he began thoughtfully.

Yusuke had a feeling that he wasn't going to like this. "Yes?"

"If you two really do want to venture into the wearing of make-up, I feel obliged to tell you that neither light blue nor hot pink are good colours for you," Kurama confided.

"Let us never speak of this again," Yusuke said magnanimously, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. Kuwabara quickly did the same.

"Even if I want to tell you that you missed a spot?" Kurama asked, eyes wide and innocent.

Yusuke made a disgusted noise and scrubbed more ferociously. "So what have you been doing lately?"

"Mostly looking for you," Kurama said. "And trying to get my brother out of the city. It's actually been pretty uneventful, except for the zombies. You've been very hard to reach, do you know that?"

"It wasn't deliberate," Yusuke explained. "It was his fault," he added, looking at Kuwabara.

"It was not my fault!" Kuwabara retorted as they passed through the glass doors and walked into the darkness. "There was just a lot to tell you!"

Yusuke felt Hiei formulating a sarcastic entry line before he heard it. "You talk too much regardless of whether or not there is a lot to say."

"Gah!" Kuwabara swung around again. "Don't _do_ that! And I do not talk too much!"

Yusuke and Kurama both took on a faintly martyred look. "Would you two stop?" Yusuke nearly wailed. "I know you always want to reinforce that in no way do you even think about talking to each other civilly, but it has been a long day and if you're going to keep at it then I need alcohol first."

"I talked to the one who's behind all this," Kurama said, utterly derailing the argument.

"You never mentioned that," Hiei said sharply.

Yusuke blinked. "What did he tell you? Screw that, where did you _find_ him?"

Kurama examined the pavement. "I didn't, really. He found me. He has the ability to project himself into his undead slaves. I don't know what he looks like or where he is, but I know his voice."

"Do you know why about five zombies tried to randomly attack me for no good reason? That they didn't even know why?" Yusuke asked. "Explain while we go," he added and took off down the street.

"That's too fast!" Kuwabara yelled. "Urameshi! Stop running! Dammit, not you too!" he added woefully as Kurama and Hiei both went after Yusuke. "I've done enough damn running today! Slow down!"

Kurama was winding down his rather short explanation by the time Kuwabara fell over the first of the zombies outside Yusuke's door. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," Kuwabara said faintly. "The pavement broke the fall."

"Was that all, or was there more?" Yusuke asked as he fiddled with keys.

"Yes," said Kurama, then paused. "I did ask if he thought that the dead would try to avenge themselves if they thought it necessary. He said it was up to the zombie in question."

"Oh, shit." Yusuke exhaled and thumped one hand on the door frame, then walked into the house. "Well, _shit._"

"On the bright side, at least we're not being actively targeted right now," Kuwabara said, reshaping his nose carefully. "Ow."

"We don't know when 'right now' ends, though," Yusuke pointed out, reaching for the remote and turning the zombie movie back on. "So do we brush up on our chainsaw and rifle techniques or do we watch bad late-night television?"

"I demand bad late-night television," Kuwabara said, jumping onto the couch and taking the remote from Yusuke. A scuffle promptly broke out which overturned a table, turned the DVD player on and off about five times, and finally set the television to the weather channel.

"Is there a point to this?" Hiei asked at the table-overturning stage.

Kurama shrugged. "Maybe they're working off stress."

"Interesting."

Kuwabara poked his head up from over the back of the couch about half a minute later. "You know, how come you two never fight?"

Two identical blank stares met that question. "That would be a bad idea," Hiei finally said.

"I can imagine," Yusuke muttered, firmly putting the remote on the upended table and getting up. "Last time the pair of you did that, it was a bloody mess."

"Convenient for you, though," Kurama pointed out. "And it wasn't _your_ bloody mess."

Yusuke grimaced. "It's not a mental image that I cherish. I'm going to go make sure that no one is breaking in and trying to bite us all to a horrible walking death," he added, heaving himself off the couch and heading for the as-yet-unchecked back rooms.

"No, really, why don't you ever fight?" Kuwabara persisted. "Friendly-like."

Again with the blank looks. "Has he finally lost it?" Hiei demanded, deciding that the best course of action was to ignore Kuwabara.

"You weren't there, were you?" Kurama inquired, peering at Kuwabara. "No, I met you later. Get Yusuke to explain it. There is no 'friendly-like' fighting with us. If we tried, someone would be bleeding and unconscious in about five seconds, and chances are it wouldn't be either of us."

"Hey!" Yusuke yelled from the bowels of the house. "I'm ordering out for food! Anyone have spare cash?"

"I take this to mean that there are no zombies?" Kurama asked, drifting out of the room.

Kuwabara was about to follow when Hiei spoke up unexpectedly. "There is also the small matter that Kurama fights incredibly dirty."

"No, he doesn't," Kuwabara replied, confused.

"Oh yes," Hiei said, a smile playing across his face. "He does."

"All right, food is ordered with what look like stolen credit cards but since Kurama assures me they're okay I will pretend I didn't notice anything," Yusuke announced, re-emerging into the room with Kurama in tow.

Kurama looked faintly hurt. "They're _fine._"

"All right, I trust you," Yusuke said. "But you have to admit, someone like you handing me odd-looking credit cards registered to a completely unknown person is always suspect."

"I am reformed," Kurama said gravely.

There was a general moment that felt very much like two teenage boys and a demon all not knowing whether to laugh or to look supportive. "Way to make me feel like a social worker," Yusuke finally confided and changed the channel at long last. "Good God, is that InuYasha?"

"They make it look so easy on television," Kurama said wistfully. "And a lot more fun than it often is."

"Yes, but their fox demons look really...odd," Yusuke said. "At least, if you're anything to go by, being as you're weird anyway."

"Thank you, I think."

"You know, that reminds me," Kuwabara said thoughtfully. "Why is it that all the girly demons in fiction can never really do anything but stand around and plot? You never see them fighting honourably. Or even if they do, they're not that good overall, like here." This was accompanied by a vague wave at the television. That's even kind of true in real life, too. Most of the girly plotting demons can't really take a hit."

Yusuke laid a hand on Kuwabara's shoulder. "Are you sure that you want to continue in this line of thought right now?"

"Why not?" Kuwabara inquired. Yusuke hastily withdrew his hand and inched away. "Anyway, is it some kind of universal phenomenon? I mean, I guess that the more time spent on appearance means less time training, so obviously the pretty guys are the ones who suck the most. Unless you're good-looking already like me."

"Kuwabara, you may have just signed your death sentence. In hairspray," Yusuke hissed. "Um. He's tired," he added hopefully to the house at large.

"Waugh!" Kuwabara announced, falling over. "Why is your floor trying to eat me?" he asked Yusuke plaintively. "Ow!" SLAM. "Meep!" WHAM. "Yowoo!"

Hiei didn't even look up. "Are you trying to kill Kuwabara?"

"Of course not," Kurama said absently from his perch on the back of the couch. "I'm too busy primping."

Hiei said conversationally, "You know, I think I kind of love you right now."

"Why, am I doing something?"

Yusuke clapped one hand to his forehead. "Will you stop?" he asked. "Kuwabara, apologize to the angry demon. Kurama, give me one of those bootleg credit cards again, the food's here. And Hiei, you just won me a lot of money. Thank you. Kuwabara, pay up." Fortunately for all parties but Yusuke, Kuwabara was still trapped in the floor and by now close to senseless.

"I don't think I want to know what kind of bet you're talking about," Kurama confided to Yusuke as he handed over one card, the floorboards going back to their normal position in his wake.

Yusuke decided that his audience would not be receptive to his speech on the matter. "Is there a reason you're losing your temper today?"

"Yes," said Kurama easily, and walked away.

It took rather a long time for the delivery girl to get Yusuke to remember that she was there.

* * *

And there goes another bet. And oh, what a bet it will be. ominous music

**Bluespark:** Aww. Have fun with your computer wrestling.

**Kooriya Yui:** I'd believe it, just...the mass of Mary Sues seems to have buried everything.

**A lilmatchgirl:** I don't know, it just seems very...Kurama. Politely asking how he's supposed to kill someone.

**Oya:** That comment was just left wide open. I couldn't not take it.

**Aithril the Elf-Maiden:** I seeeee the lurkers. Ahaha.

**KyoHana:** I love this hook thing.

**Evene:** There is the point that it's not unique hits, so even I'm ratcheting them up. It feels very different from IoV. I mean, this is silly, but it's a different kind of silly. IoV started dark and got silly, then got dark again. This starts silly, and...well, you'll see.

**Liviania: **Yusuke's back now. But I think you guessed. help i need your email.

**Nyte Kit:** Everyone needs to read the manga. I'm probably taking it to another level, but...everyone needs to read the manga. The subtext is very aggressive.

**kikira-chan:** Johnny Depp was my first film actor adore, because of Edward Scissorhands. (Lord, I'm old.) I still adore anything Tim Burton-Johnny Depp-Danny Elfman. Because that combination just rocks. It makes me sad that people adore him without ever having seen Edward Scissorhands, though...

**Capella Alpha Aurigae:** I hope my chapters get progressively better. I really hope I'm learning, I do. And the cell phone issue was less of a dimension shift than a simple lack of reception. There will be more cell phone-age.

* * *

**feedback is kindness. it truly is. perform a random act of kindness today. **

**(i can totally see you if you don't)**


	4. in which kurama is less than perfect

**chapter four: in which kurama is less than perfect**

* * *

"That's the third time your cell phone has gone off," Yusuke remarked some hours later. He was now lying on the couch, remote dangling from one hand. "You might want to consider answering it one of these days."

Hiei shot him a nasty look, then stalked out of the room. "What is it?" he demanded before the door slammed behind him.

"I didn't even know he was technologically competent," Kuwabara said, glazed eyes still fixed to the television screen. He had staked out an armchair and glowered possessively at anyone who came near it.

"Prolonged exposure to Mukuro would make an ant technologically competent," Yusuke replied, eyes in a similar state. "And it's not like he's stupid."

"We've had computers for a lot longer than you have," Kurama said, looking equally out of it and having the added bonus of being sprawled on the floor, chin propped on his folded arms. "First one I came across was...some six hundred years ago? Six hundred something. A lot longer than Hiei's been alive. So it's not like he's had a lack of exposure to them."

"But a cell phone," Kuwabara protested. "It's so...normal."

"How do you think I felt when I had to grow up as a human?" Kurama asked. "It was supposed to be _different_, not...rather archaic."

There was an extremely lethargic silence. When Hiei started having a loud yet one-sided argument in a very foreign language, it did nothing to destroy the lethargy, but the silence was lost forever.

"All right, what's he saying?" Yusuke finally asked when the yelling had subsided.

"It could be 'my hovercraft is full of eels', but my knowledge of that particular language runs only to talking myself out of jail and into free drinks," Kurama replied.

"I never picked you as the free-drink type," Yusuke said. "The things you learn when zombies attack."

"Zombie attacks are a complete non-event right now," Kuwabara told him. "Do you think they've left off attacking other people, too?"

"Well, the general consensus is that our zombies don't much seem inclined to go after people unless they have a personal vendetta. In that case, we're not exactly obliged to be interfering," Yusuke said. "It's not like we're on active duty any more."

"You're not," Hiei said, slamming the door open. "I am. I'm leaving."

"Are you coming back?" Yusuke seized on this very important point.

Hiei looked blank. "I could, I suppose," he finally admitted, and left.

"What's his problem?" Kuwabara demanded once the door had shut.

"Is he having issues asserting his independence again?" Yusuke asked. "He'll sulk for days now."

"And how is that different from normal?" Kuwabara asked. "Or is this on top of the permanent bad attitude?"

"Your show is back," Kurama said, then put his head down and closed his eyes. Whatever debate there might have been was lost in a barrage of gunfire and cops yelling in English.

Yusuke only stirred at the end of the show, and that was just to peer with concern at Kurama. "Christ," he said quietly. "He must be pretty damn tired to just pass out like that."

"Don't tell me you've never done that," Kuwabara told him. "I've seen you."

"Yes, but I've always had a reason," Yusuke explained. "If he has a reason, it's not one that I've heard about."

"Wake him up and ask him. It's not a mystery," Kuwabara said, lolling back on his chair.

"Mmmf," mmfed Yusuke. This one syllable conveyed a wealth of not wanting to move to Kuwabara, who nodded and nudged an empty food carton with a toe.

Unfortunately for Yusuke's wishes, the phone rang a few minutes later. Kuwabara passed the phone over Kurama's unconscious form to Yusuke, who wormed a hand out from under his chest and hit the ON button. "'Lo?"

"It's Keiko. How are things?"

"Hey," Yusuke said with a smile. "Things are good. The guy who's behind this managed to talk to Kurama, and he said he was going to lay off sending flunkies at us until he came up with a better plan."

"I wouldn't call that good," Keiko said irritably. "But you're not being bothered by anything?"

"No," Yusuke said slowly. "Well, I'm bothered by a few things, but they're not physical bothers. It's just...there are some things about this that annoy me, but if I talk to anyone about them, they sound stupid. Even if I'm just trying to think about them to get them straight in my head, they make no sense."

"Colour me surprised," Keiko said dryly.

Yusuke was silent for a long minute. "I haven't heard that phrase in _years_," he finally announced.

"Yusuke."

"Sorry. Anyway, what's going on up there?"

"These undead people keep showing up at the temple. Genkai's been keeping them pending their exorcism. She's getting it in writing what they want done with their bodies – that's what Shizuru and I have been doing – but she wants to wait until she can get someone from the spirit world until she actually exorcises them," Keiko said. "She said that Botan was supposed to be out conducting exorcisms, but no one can reach her. There's another ferry girl coming soon."

"What about Yukina?" Yusuke correctly interpreted Kuwabara's flailings.

"She's helping Genkai still. She's going to stay the night." Yusuke reported this to Kuwabara, gave him a manly pat with the remote when his face fell, and tried not to laugh. "If you see Botan, you should tell her that everyone's trying to find her."

A small problem that had been jumbled around in Yusuke's brain suddenly straightened out with alarming clarity. "Keiko," he said. "Remember one of those problems I had. Listen to this, it doesn't sound so crazy any more. Kurama told me that the man doing this? He said that he'd done something that would discourage Koenma from using exorcism as a weapon. Would you mind adding me to the list of people who want to know where Botan is?"

"Hang on, I'll go talk to Genkai." The phone was put down with a thump. Yusuke edged the volume up on the television and settled in for the wait. Ten minutes later, Keiko exhaled and said, "She said she looked for Botan, harder this time, and couldn't find her, but that might not mean anything."

"It could mean a lot," Yusuke replied, "but I don't know what I can do now. None of us has the capability to just...feel for where Botan is. It's late, we're tired, and we haven't heard anything from the spirit or demon worlds. Well, Hiei's heard from the demon world, but it's probably got more to do with whatever he does for Mukuro than us in general. Tell Genkai about that anyway, though."

"I will," Keiko promised. "You sound like there's something else. Is there anything else?"

"Yes. No. Yes," Yusuke contradicted himself. "Something just has me worried, is all."

"Is it another one of your bothers?" Keiko asked. "You managed to talk about one of them. Try this one."

Yusuke looked warily at the demon passed out on the floor, then said quietly, "Kurama's acting weird."

Keiko waited, then finally asked, "Is that it?"

"That's all I can say that makes sense," Yusuke confessed. "I mean, he's acting normal enough, but usually he isn't this normal."

"You're right. That makes no sense," Keiko said decisively.

"You asked," Yusuke pointed out. "Kuwabara is staring at me with the eyes of a kicked kitten, so would you go get Yukina?"

"I am not," Kuwabara said indignantly.

"Of course you're not," Yusuke said cheerily as Keiko murmured a goodbye he would not have allowed anyone else to hear and keep their entrails, and handed the phone over.

Kuwabara made a face when he realized he had to wait, then put one hand over the mouthpiece and asked Yusuke, "Kurama isn't acting that weird, is he?"

"He's stopped acting perfect," Yusuke replied. "That's usually a bad sign."

Kuwabara didn't reply, instead choosing to embark on a long and embellished version of his day after Yukina's departure for his girlfriend's benefit. Yusuke was less than fascinated, and started poking among the food cartons for remnants. When none appeared, he grabbed the lot and carted them to the trash, from whence he started ransacking the kitchen. The only thing he found, however, was the reason he had ordered out: there was no food in the house that he wanted to even _think_ about eating. He deliberated over beer and cigarettes as a substitute, then decided that the taste combination far outweighed the merit of being a rebel and padded back to the couch. En route he nearly fell over Kurama, which reminded him that it might just be time to go to sleep.

"So you'll meet us there, then?" Kuwabara asked. "Oh, don't worry about me. I have mad skills."

Yusuke choked and turned his face into the couch cushions in order to muffle the laughter. He could feel the dirty look being aimed his way, but after spending a goodly amount of time in Hiei's company, Kuwabara's glare held no terrors for him.

"Yes, well, I'll call you tomorrow. Whose phone are you on, anyway?" Pause. "You mean she actually has a _phone?_" Another pause. "Here, give me the number. I can't believe she's on the telephone! I mean, what next? Koenma gets a phone number? Now that would make for a weird statement on your phone bill." There was a long silence. "You mean you don't have phone companies over there? Well, how does it work?"

"Kuwabara," Yusuke growled into the couch. "No one cares about demon phone systems."

"Yusuke objects to being left out of this conversation," Kuwabara said magnanimously. "Tell me when I call you back, all right? Yes." He then dissolved into a round of thoroughly mushy farewells which made Yusuke rather disappointed that Hiei had left. Seeing his face for the duration of those one-sided farewells would have made the entire day worth it in a heartbeat, though the interchange between the two demons some hours earlier was currently carrying that honour and showed no sign of being replaced.

"At least we know that Yukina will never feel neglected," Yusuke said after Kuwabara had hung up. "Look, it's some ungodly hour in the morning and there are zombies attacking, so what say we get some sleep now before we have to go on the offensive?"

"Sounds good to me," Kuwabara agreed, lounging back in his armchair.

"I will zap you if you snore," Yusuke felt compelled to add, slapping the lights off but leaving the television going on mute. He settled more comfortably onto the couch and dragged one arm over his eyes in prelude to sleep, then put his arm aside and crawled over the couch arm instead. "Kurama. Hey, Kurama, wake up."

"Wake up, go to sleep, pick one," Kuwabara muttered.

"No, you go to sleep. Come on, Kurama, I know you can't possibly sleep that deeply. Wake up, will you?"

Kurama finally twitched, blinked, then stared at Yusuke blearily. "I wasn't asleep."

"Of course, you were awake in the way where you had your eyes closed and were totally unaware of everything that goes on," Yusuke teased. "There is no way that you can be comfortable sleeping on the floor."

"'M fine," Kurama said. "I'm not asleep," he added, and closed his eyes.

Yusuke waited thirty seconds, then looked at Kuwabara. "Do you believe him? Because I don't believe him."

"Does it matter?" Kuwabara reasoned. "If he doesn't want to move, then don't bother."

Yusuke waited another thirty seconds, poked Kurama's shoulder with no response, then settled back on the couch with a muttered "If you can't move in the morning, it's _not_ my fault."

It was many hours later that Yusuke finally cracked an eyelid open and made a faint scrabbling motion in the hopes that he would find coffee within reach. When there was none, he opened his other eye and sat up with a groan. "Whatimizzit?" he asked, not expecting anyone to answer.

"About eleven in the morning," Kurama said anyway.

"GAH," Yusuke announced, dropping his head into his hands. "You just keep taking years off my life, don't you?"

"I didn't ask you to the first time around," Kurama told him.

"Yeah, I'm good like that. Screwing up demonic plans to order," Yusuke retorted. "Please tell me you made coffee." When Kurama nodded, Yusuke vaulted the back of the couch and started for the kitchen. "How long have you been awake, anyway? And do not tell me you didn't sleep. You were asleep, dammit. You scared me for a minute because I thought you'd died without letting us know."

Kurama decided not to argue the point. "A few hours. The zombies made the news, as you probably guessed. The activity died down over the night, though they still seem to be around. It's getting harder to find them, because they act so much like normal people. The decay is usually all that tips people off. No one really knows what to do. I mean, it's not like there are any convenient warlords with armies at their beck and call over here, and no one really wants to report it because...well, they're zombies and it makes no sense. The entire medical community doesn't know whether to rejoice or check into a sanatorium."

"I assume you found the shower," Yusuke added, squinting at Kurama's hair. "Good idea. Zombie funk is not a pleasant thing to have wafting from your skin and hair."

"Citric acid," Kurama said inexplicably.

"What?"

Kurama looked innocent. "A thing one learns when one deals with dead bodies is that usually some kind of mild acid is required to get the smell out. Try citric acid."

"Don't explain," Yusuke ordered, gulping his first cup of coffee. "I don't care what you do now, but _don't_ explain."

"Of course not," Kurama replied, a smile growing on his face.

Yusuke started for his room, intent on new clothes, then paused. "You're wearing different clothes."

"Do you want another cup of coffee?" Kurama asked, looking faintly amused. "It's not like I'm penniless at the moment," he added in explanation.

"Don't play with my head like that at this early hour, either," Yusuke added, and stalked into the shower. Kurama looked at the ceiling and waited. Two minutes later, Yusuke poked a dripping head out of the bathroom door. "Where the hell did you get citric acid, anyway? Another of your mysterious money-laden forays?"

"I generated it," Kurama informed him.

Yusuke blinked. "That sounds kinky. Generate some in a form I can use, would you?" There was a pause wherein Yusuke fielded two lemons, their skins still sizzling with youki. "Thanks. You're the best," Yusuke confided, then closed the door.

Kurama rubbed his temples. "You know, I have no idea where I got those from," he remarked to the kitchen at large, then started attacking his hair with his fingers.

When Yusuke emerged from the shower, Kurama was twisting various odd-looking seeds back into his hair and Kuwabara was talking enthusiastically on the phone. "Now that? That is just weird. But at least it's news. News is something we can do stuff with," Kuwabara chattered.

"Can we hear this news?" Kurama inquired.

"I don't even know what it is," Kuwabara said. "But Yukina says that Koenma has it and to get us."

"We're here," Yusuke pointed out. "What is it?"

Kuwabara sighed. "No, I mean that he didn't even tell Yukina and the others. Yukina agreed to meet us in the spirit world the next time we went, and she'd come back with us from there. She's about to leave now for Koenma's, so we had better get out of here too."

Yusuke firmly removed the phone from Kuwabara's grip. "Hi, Yukina. We'll go in a bit, but first we have to talk your boyfriend into doing something about the zombie smell that loves him like whoa."

"Is he always like this when he first wakes up?" Kurama asked Kuwabara. "Or is it the zombies that did it?"

"The zombie smell that loves me like whoa," Kuwabara repeated blankly.

Kurama leaned forwards conspiratorially. "You know, you do kind of smell like a zombie."

"Have a lemon," Yusuke added, clapping one into Kuwabara's hand. "Yes, Yukina, that was what I just said. Yes, you will indeed be receiving a lemony fresh boyfriend to order."

Kurama was suddenly seized with a highly suspicious fit of coughing. "Yusuke, either you've had too much coffee or not enough," he finally managed.

"Not enough," Yusuke said, heading for the kitchen with the phone. "Yukina, I don't suppose you could find someone to make it easier to get to the spirit world for us? You can? Wonderful. Yes, we'll be out of here in half an hour if Kuwabara gets a move on!"

Kuwabara had never been good at taking hints or threats, but Yusuke somehow managed to make himself understood. "I'm going, I'm going! But what is the lemon for?"

Aren't you glad that you read that in context?

True to Yusuke's word, the three of them were waiting at one of the gates in the spirit world half an hour and a few wrong turns later. "I hate coming here without Botan," Yusuke said with a sigh. "It's always so complicated. And I have a feeling that this just might be the easy way in."

"Think they'd let us through faster if I showed them my rei-ken?" Kuwabara asked innocently.

Yusuke rolled his eyes. "I'm getting to the point where I'll think that's a good idea. Ask me again in a bit. Hey, Kurama, you want to bribe these guys or what?"

Kurama didn't move for about ten seconds, then blinked and stripped something from under his hair. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

Yusuke blinked at what Kurama held, then cast his eyes upwards again. "Here we are, heading to see the ruler of the spirit world about a zombie infestation, and he brings an iPod."

"It wasn't deliberate," Kurama protested. "I just...had it on me earlier. And I'm not very entertained right now."

Yusuke did the only thing that he could under the circumstances, which was to ask that question posed to all people who listen to iPods in public: "So what are you listening to?"

Ten minutes later, Kurama was picking at the tiling on the gate while Kuwabara and Yusuke listened to one of the few demon songs that had been converted to a file format that the iPod understood. The guard who walked in at this moment was understandably bewildered. "You can come through now," she finally said.

"Oh good," said Kurama, leaving the tiles alone under her watchful eye.

"About time," Yusuke added, pulling the earbuds away from himself and Kuwabara and absently shoving the iPod in a pocket. This did not stop Kurama from going back to listening to his music three steps down the hall. "When did you – I know I would have felt – I thought I was _good_," Yusuke finally spluttered, patting his pockets ineffectively.

Kurama smiled sunnily at him. "But I'm better."

They were all sitting unhappily at another gate when a much more senior looking guard came trotting up. "You're Urameshi Yusuke, aren't you?"

Yusuke nodded. "Can we go see Koenma now or what? It's not like he didn't ask to see us."

"I'm aware," the senior guard said dryly. "Come on, we're going."

"Did we come in the seriously difficult way?" Yusuke asked conversationally as they passed two more gates. "Because this is a little ridiculous."

The guard looked around furtively, then sighed. "We tightened security not because we're protecting someone, but because we're protecting information. We just don't want it to get out, you see."

"What?" Yusuke pressed, but the guard would say no more.

"The hells are open," Koenma said when, upon their arrival, Yusuke confronted him.

"That sounds bad," said Kuwabara. These were the first coherent syllables he'd gotten out since being reunited with Yukina.

"It is bad," Yukina replied. "I've been hearing about it for some time now, in great detail."

Koenma ignored her. "Our necromancer is a powerful one. You see, to break open the seals on the hells, someone has to either call the souls within to themselves or to the bodies of the deceased. The latter is the case here. It seems that not having a body to return to is not an issue here at least in getting the souls out of the hells. Those souls may yet be pulled back here if we can manage to close the hells back up. However, it's not been an easy task. Usually we would have every single person here working on it. But nothing this major has happened since my father..." Koenma fidgeted. "Actually, nothing this major has really happened in my lifetime. And since I'm missing a lot of key people, I'm not sure what to do next except go after the necromancer himself."

"A lot of key people?" Kurama asked. "Who are they?"

Koenma looked as troubled as his baby face could manage. "I dispatched four ferry girls to try exorcism. I dispatched Botan first, but when she...I suppose 'disappeared' would be a good word...I sent three more girls both to find her and try exorcising the zombies. None of them have come back. Speaking of people being missing, I thought Hiei was with you. Where did he go?"

"He left," Yusuke said. "I'd guess that it was to Mukuro's."

"I thought he just went there!" Koenma complained. "Didn't he just go there?"

Kuwabara blinked. "What, yesterday? Not unless it was a hell of a short trip."

Koenma made a frustrated noise and slouched back in his chair. "Please tell me that he's nowhere near as unpredictable as he seems."

"I would make a disparaging comment involving hell, but you seem to have had enough trouble with that for one day," Yusuke added helpfully. "He's usually specific enough, and when he's not, he's usually not that hard to locate. Either he's with someone we know, or we fall over him at some later point because he has this odd habit of stalking us."

"Then would someone let _me_ in on the list of someones?" Koenma asked. "Never mind. You seem to know where he is and think he'll come back, and I trust your judgement. Anyway, I've received a message from our necromancer in which he names himself and asks me to quietly surrender myself to his will so that he can benevolently rule all three worlds without an issue. He seems to think that the spirit world is too inefficient without the undead involved, or something like that."

"Can we hear it, then?" Yusuke asked.

Koenma agreed, "Certainly. Jorge! Where's that threatening letter I just got?"

"Here!" Jorge bustled in and presented the letter to the group, then plopped a file folder on Koenma's desk. "This is the file on our necromancer."

"All right," Koenma said, shaking out the piece of paper and starting to read. "Jorge, this is the threatening letter from the Sovereign State of the Locust People."

"Sorry," Jorge apologized, taking the letter away. "It must have been in the same folder."

While he was gone, Yusuke looked disbelievingly at Koenma. "The Sovereign State of the Locust People?"

"Yes," Koenma said. "Your world. They're not happy with me."

"So it seems," Kurama agreed.

Koenma glanced up. "Ah, Jorge. That is the correct letter, I assume?"

"Smells like zombie funk and expensive cologne," Yusuke detected, sniffing the letter as it passed. "Not too many options there."

Koenma tried to look unamused as he accepted the letter and began again to read. "'My dear Koenma-sama, greetings. My name is El Zorromancer' –" Here Koenma had to stop and wait for Kuwabara to get his laughter under control. Yukina finally thumped him on the back with a glowing hand, which seemed to give Kuwabara the last little edge he needed to stop giggling like a maniac. "Thank you, Yukina. 'My name is El Zorromancer and I would like to ask for a cessation of all hostile overtures on your part. In my past attempts at ruling, there has been no opposition from the dead or from most of the living. The reason that these attempts were just that is because many spirit world people found it their duty to bring great harm to my dears, my offspring, my _subjects_ I suppose you would say.'" Koenma looked up again. "He gets very expansive and impassioned there, and it's difficult to translate. 'My reasons for making this move are twofold. My first reason is one that has dated back to my first attempt at rule, which is that I find the spirit world's treatment of the deceased to be inefficient at best. I do not argue that your sorting and filing techniques are superb, but you seem to have very little control once the paperwork is finished. I also note that your control over the human and demon worlds are equally lacking, requiring you to recruit uncommonly powerful teenage humans and irredeemably criminal demons in order to keep things in check. I have sent similar letters to the demon rulers and one more to the prime minister in the human world. I assure you that I would have no reason to fire any of you if I were to come to power, as I would certainly need everyone's help for the first few hundred years until I am thoroughly established.'"

There was a pause. "I might feel offended if I thought it was worth it," Kurama finally said. "I'm not irredeemable. I thought we'd already established that just by my presence here not being bound into hallucination with wards like some other times I could mention."

"And yet I always seem to lose cheap ballpoint pens when you are in the room," Koenma said, so quietly that no one but Jorge caught it. He added, more loudly and with some irritation, "I could have gotten older help from more approved sources, but they _work." _This seemed to be addressed to the letter, as though it could hear this reply. "Why does everyone complain about them now that they've proven that they work?"

"Because we're no longer needed," Yusuke said critically. "People complain when they forget their fear, or when they never knew that it existed. Is there more?"

Koenma sighed again. "Yes. 'In addition, I would like to remind you that yesterday was the year change in the Calendar of the Great Twonk, bringing us now to the year 666. I find that this is an auspicious year, but will try not to emulate the downfall of the leader represented. I may, however, decide to use a few of his other tricks.' All right, I don't know what he means there. Who knows what he means with that?"

"Nero," Kurama piped up while everyone else looked blank. "He was a very unstable emperor in Rome rather a long time ago. He poisoned a few people, more or less twiddled his thumbs while Rome burned to the ground, then built some pretty building or other when it was all over. I don't particularly remember the specifics, to be honest."

"And what does Nero have to do with the Tweak Calendar?" Kuwabara asked.

"Twonk," Koenma corrected.

"He doesn't," Kurama answered. "It's just that 666 can be interpreted as 'Nero'. Of course, it can also be interpreted as 'Barney the Purple Dinosaur', though I'm not too clear on how that works, either."

There was a brief pause. "Anyway," Koenma finally said, deciding that staring disbelievingly at Kurama for much longer might not be a safe idea. "There are only a few more lines. 'I hope you will consider my request, my dear Koenma-sama, though of course I will understand if you do not. Trust that if I do manage to get a hold of your four boys, I will return them to you unharmed...if not necessarily alive, when they are no longer of use to me. Until then! I remain, my dear Koenma-sama, your faithful servant, El Zorromancer.'"

"I get the feeling that he's laughing at you," Yusuke pointed out.

"Well, he's wrong about the Calendar," Koenma said. "I'm almost certain that it's the year 686. The calendar started in the year that the demon world first developed a complex computer. It's a very simple equation, too, so he can't have been deceived all these years. I'm thinking he just was looking for a quick excuse. Besides, it's fairly well known that the Number of the Beast is 616, if he was aiming for that shock factor."

"What was the equation?" Jorge asked, pulling out a piece of paper and a very extravagant-looking pen of the sort that looked like it could walk, talk, refill itself, and go to the moon without outside assistance. It was possible that it had a small gasoline-powered engine.

Koenma recited it, which sent Jorge off in a frenzy of mental maths. Everyone watched the pen expectantly and no one was surprised when Jorge had to use a pull-string to get it going in preparation for writing. "Koenma-sama," Jorge said after a handful of scribbles, "I am getting 666."

"What?" Koenma and Jorge both pored over the equation. "Well, it looks in order," Koenma said doubtfully, leading everyone else to crowd around and peer at the writing. It was glowing.

"Can I see?" Kurama asked, taking a cheap ballpoint out of a pocket and pulling the cap off with his teeth. Kurama tapped the last segment of the equation with the pen tip meditatively, then corrected one small thing. "You forgot to carry the two," he informed Jorge, recapping the pen but still gnawing on it thoughtfully. "It is 686. The rest of the maths is sound."

"That," Yusuke said, "is maddening. I hate when I make that kind of mistake. It's worse when someone corrects it."

"You wanted to know," Kurama said apologetically around the pen.

"You know," Koenma said, looking much struck, "I don't think I'm so very worried about this guy after all."

This opinion was not quite shared by one of the rulers of the demon world, but it was close enough. In any event, Mukuro and Hiei had read El Zorromancer's letter to them with no small amount of disbelief. It had run along similar lines, but had included the useful information about the hells being opened and would they be interested in taking a look to know that he was serious? Hiei had deemed this a worthy task and was now wandering around the reikai in an effort to deliberately find the hells. As this was something few people ever wanted to do, the whereabouts were neither general knowledge nor easy to find. And, of course, there was no guarantee that he'd be able to get in.

Of course, the hells had never been opposed to having fresh blood go wandering in. It helped that said fresh blood was a walking hellfire generator, too. Thus, just when Hiei was about to go find and harass a guard for the location, the path he was on dropped away under his feet. He scrambled back hastily, then glared at the chasm. "You were not there a minute ago."

The chasm smoked innocently and exuded a sense of timelessness. It was a bit like a valley of doomfire tweed.

Hiei considered. Given that the chasm seemed to have an ability to open, close, and possibly move itself around, just walking into it might not have been the brightest idea. But he was certain that even if this entrance went away, there had to be another one into Koenma's palace. Besides, it wasn't like he wasn't on at least companionable terms with the fires of hell. And there seemed to be a lot of fire down there.

As Hiei more or less slid down the side of the chasm, he noticed something odd. All the stories he'd heard about the hells had said that the outsides were usually quite tidy, with walkways and charms and seals keeping everything in its place. Their necromancer had obviously done quite a job, because the walkways were in pieces, the doors to all the separate hells were broken open, and the whole place looked incredibly empty. It almost looked harmless, if one didn't mind the fact that outside each broken door were equally broken-looking torments, cast off and left behind by the ones they had held.

It was this very emptiness that made the faint screams he heard so very odd. Hiei glanced up in hopes of seeing the chasm behaving itself. He saw no evidence of the skies closing over on him or of the chasm having moved somewhere else, so he started following the screams curiously. If the necromancer had been powerful enough to do this, it made no sense that there were still people trapped inside the hells.

The people he found made even less sense. They had found a fiery pit and were taking turns dipping their limbs into it, then jerking them back out. A handful more had dragged some of the spikier-looking torture tools over to the group and walked around poking at some of the unsuspecting would-be fire-walkers. Occasionally someone fell into the flames and had to be rescued. The whole thing was accompanied by a lot of screaming and had the air of a really hardcore party. The only things missing were the black lights, liquid latex, and Jell-o shots.

"What the hell is this?" Hiei asked, then winced at the irony of his words. "What are you doing here if you've been freed?" he continued.

The two people – one human, one demon – near him both turned to look at him blankly. The others in the circle all followed suit. It was one of the torture-tool wielders that spoke, however. "We live here, and they came to us," it said, hoisting its tool over its shoulder. Up close, the tool resembled a meter-long, metal-plated, carnivorous banana. "Our bodies are well resistant to these things, and so are these sub-creatures," it added, kicking one of the mute humans in the circle hard in the back. The human fell forward into the fire and landed with a tremendous shriek.

"It's a live one," said another one of the creatures, standing up from the circle and walking towards Hiei. Up close, its gender was still not apparent, though it could now be seen to hold a metallic flail. "We like the live ones that come to look. If we kill them, they just wake right back up. They're not half so much fun after that, though. They were all live ones that came to look. The ones with the empty eyes." It gestured with the flail at the circle. "Sometimes we push each other in."

Hiei scanned the circle quickly. There were fifteen or twenty of the genderless creatures in total. Up close, they felt like demons, though one he'd never seen before. There were another six or seven humans and five other demons, all looking at him without intelligence or comprehension. "What are you?" he inquired as more and more of the unknown demons rose and started towards him, a bright, brittle curiosity showing on their silvery faces.

"I like his voice," said the one with the flail thoughtfully. "Better leave his vocal cords intact. He'll scream wonderfully, you see."

There was a long moment where Hiei wondered if this was all some deranged hallucination. He'd had stranger ones in the past. "What?"

"I like his body," said one of the more recently arrived ones. "Bet he's a fighter."

Yet another demon paced towards him, then walked in a tight circle around him before speaking. "I like his eyes," it finally confided, biting what looked like a fan thoughtfully. "He has so many. When he falls to pieces, can I keep his eyes?"

Hiei decided that his personal space had been abused enough for the day and made to shove the demon circling him into the fire pit. Two more of the silvery demons grabbed one hand each before the motion could be completed, despite the speed at which he had tried to propel the fan-holding one away. "Don't touch me," Hiei whispered, black fire heating his skin and sending the smell of cooked meat up from their fingers.

Neither captor so much as flinched. "I like his skin," said the one on the right.

"His hands," said the one on the left. "Feel the calluses. You were right; he's a fighter, this one."

There was a sharp sizzling noise which was almost obliterated by the roar of black fire. "I told you not to touch me!" Hiei snarled when the fire died down, leaving two less silvery demons in the crowd.

"They'll be back," said the one who had first spoken to him. "How kind of you to use as a weapon the very thing that makes us. There's little work for us here now, and many have gone elsewhere. But we decided to stay here and mind the fort. We do enjoy ourselves," it added with a metallic smile. "And we know you, and we know your power. The fire is in you, the fire that we like so much. So burn us, fight us, destroy our bodies all – unless you can find your way out before we find you again, it won't do you much good."

"No, not in the least," said another one.

Hiei stared. "I killed you," he whispered. "I _killed_ you."

The demon beamed. "Considering the circumstances, should you be surprised?"

"Who wanted his skin?" yelled the demon with the fan. "Come on, step lively. I want his eyes, dammit!"

"You see their impatience?" asked the first of the demons. "Come, join the others who wandered in here alive. A little pain, a little pleasure. These things are all that they feel. These things are all that they need to feel."

Hiei pulled the knot on the back of his headband apart and slid his fingers down to the hilt of his sword, then waited for the first blow that he could already see coming. Maybe they couldn't be killed by any means available to him, but Hiei had always been hard-pressed to find something that he couldn't at least slow down.

In Koenma's office, yet another alarm went off. "Hellfire," said Koenma blackly after surveying a handheld screen.

"That's not a good swear at the moment," Yusuke pointed out.

"I'm being literal," Koenma said. "We're getting an upsurge of hellfire in one of the corners closer to the palace. If they keep that up, they're paying for the repairs," he added to Jorge. "Go tell them that, will you?"

"Erm," said Jorge. "If you don't mind, I'll wait until the hellfire dies down."

"Who's 'they'?" Yusuke asked tightly.

"Oh, some of the torments need to actually have someone to set their hands to it. We created demons from the hellfire itself. They're a part of it and they love to either create more or find some source of it and exploit it whenever they can. Since they're all more or less unemployed right now, they're pretty much partying all day and all night with the stuff."

Kurama flicked a look at Yusuke, then said, "Why don't you let us go argue with them? I'm sure we can be a bit more convincing."

"We can even be a lot more convincing," Yusuke added, already edging for the doors.

"Would you like me to come?" Yukina inquired. "I'm sure I could be useful."

"Actually, the fire is very resistant to any competing youki or reiki," Koenma said, eyes narrowed. "Kurama, I don't think that you should volunteer for this either – "

Yusuke grabbed Kurama's shoulder and started to back towards the door. "No, no, I'll take him. Kuwabara, why don't you just stay here? And which way are we going?"

Koenma stared at their disappearing figures, then looked at Yukina and Kuwabara in utter confusion. "What was that?"

Yukina smiled at him. "I think they had suspicions about someone they know who likes to use the fires of hell as a weapon, but they didn't want to involve us all in case they were wrong. I know that people such as them," she added thoughtfully, "hate looking foolish in front of others."

Yusuke skidded to a halt by the entrance to the hells from the palace, squinting into the haze.

"Ow," Kurama said plaintively, tugging his arm out of Yusuke's grip and rotating his shoulder. "Why did you bring me and not Kuwabara? I mean, I trust – "

"I didn't want to waste time explaining and he hadn't connected the dots yet," Yusuke said absently, not paying much attention to why Kurama had abruptly stopped talking. "He'll be here in a bit, I'm sure. Now, do you know where we're going?"

There was a very conspicuous lack of red-haired fox demons.

"Hell," said Yusuke feelingly, and ran forwards into the smoke.

* * *

IT'S NOT MINE. Okay, done.

**Bluespark:** Kurama is a naughty, naughty boy when he feels like it.

**Manda Podima:** Yay! Funny zombies. Wait until you meet (spoiler).

**KyoHana:** I love the demons, but the humans are too funny to pass up writing for. (I have a sekrit yen for being inside Yusuke's brain. Ahaha.)

**kikira-chan:** Shizuru makes me happy.

**Evene:** You've stumbled on my evil plan to make your brain explode! Oh noes!

**Aithril the Elf-Maiden:** BWAHAHA. I am all-seeing. And I didn't need madcap eye-brain surgery to do it!

**A lilmatchgirl:** When the sod walked up and presented me with that idea, I have to admit my response was "WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY?"

**Kooriya Yui:** Edward Scissorhands. Rocks. And don't let your brain die.

**Nyte Kit:** I'm so ridiculously glad this is done beforehand. I'm still poking at my other two ongoing fics and feeling depressed about them.

**MikaSamu:** I'm baack!

* * *

**I am all-seeing like whoa! Review please.**


	5. in which the plot twists

The fact that I don't own YYH has nothing to do with this duct tape I'm holding. At all.

* * *

**chapter five: in which the plot twists**

El Zorromancer bid his latest charge goodbye, then got up and hung an 'Out for Lunch' sign on the door quickly, before anyone else could show up. It was a fun job, but it had its tiring moments. The paperwork was also getting to be a hassle. He resolved to engage a secretary in short order, as it seemed that he wasn't going to be getting the incredible paperwork skills of the spirit world at his beck and call just yet.

One sandwich and a microwaved cup of ramen later, a small knot of the undead had built up outside his office yet again. El Zorromancer smiled and removed the 'Out to Lunch' sign, then ushered in his next client.

"I don't suppose you have secretarial training," he said as a greeting.

The undead demon looked at him with a bloodless face. "No, I don't," he said, looking a bit perplexed but more than a bit amused. However, guessing at expressions were touch and go, being as a metal mask had been squished onto the lower part of his face. "You wouldn't happen to know someone who could repair this?" he countered, touching the mask. "It was badly damaged in the events leading up to my death."

"I could do some research," El Zorromancer replied, taking out a Post-It and scribbling a note to himself. He stuck the Post-It into the small but growing line of other, similar requests, then asked, "Exsanguination?"

"Ah. Yes," said the demon blankly.

El Zorromancer pulled out his ledger and made a note, then gave the demon a once-over. "Your youki is still intact, so I shan't need to restore that. Superficial injuries I can fix, or you can wait them out. You'll be able to heal small injuries, but things like bones broken, amputations, or organ removals will require a trip to see myself. You won't have to worry about a reappearance of decay, either. Your body will sustain itself in a sort of closed-circuit loop."

The demon nodded. "I see. You seem to have a system where we all return later. May I ask when you would expect me back?"

El Zorromancer smiled at him. "You will know when you should head back."

The demon appeared to find this agreeable. "And...and if I should ask you to do these things for me now?" he added, his eyes crinkling in what might have been a creepy smile if the mask had not been in the way.

Lacing his fingers together, El Zorromancer let his own smile curl into its full, disturbingly feline glory. "If you ask me to do this thing now, and I object, I detect that you will allow those charming objects hovering next to your head to hover near my head instead and ready them for detonation. I...I should advise you quite strongly not to do that, my dear."

The demon seemed to see that El Zorromancer wasn't being facetious. "I think that I approve," he murmured, sounding almost respectful.

"Excellent," said El Zorromancer. "Would you like to leave a name?"

"A name," said the demon. "Karasu."

"And are you in search of anyone in particular to whom I could direct you?" El Zorromancer added.

This time he was certain that Karasu smiled. "There is. Tell me, in your recent travels, have you seen any beautiful boys with red hair?"

Someone fitting that description walked up to a large pit brimming with fire and stared down into its depths without bothering to shield his eyes. He was too preoccupied with tracking the black blur that moved almost invisibly from silver sexless critter to silver sexless critter, reducing each to pieces which quickly burned away. When the last critter had vaporized, the black blur collected itself into Hiei, who put one hand to his forehead and looked around quickly.

"Are you looking for this?" Kurama held out a white strip of cloth between two fingers, high enough that only sparks reached it. When Hiei stared at him in what looked like total disbelief, he added, "Did you even know you ended up down there?"

There was another blur and Hiei snapped the cloth from Kurama's fingers. "Why are you here?"

"Koenma didn't like the idea of having his gate into here covered in burn marks, for some reason," Kurama said with perfect truth. "He sent Yusuke out here to tell his hellfire creatures to stop."

"I asked why _you_ were here," Hiei added. "You don't much like fire, do you?"

"It depends," Kurama said, "on the kind of fire. Are they putting themselves back together?"

"They do that," said Hiei, eyes focusing on the closest one.

There was a bright flash of light, after which there were abruptly no silver creatures putting themselves back together. "Not any more, they don't," Yusuke announced. "Hi, Hiei. So the letter Koenma got said that this guy was sending similar missives to all the rulers he could find. Is that why you're here?"

"Yes. I wanted to know if he really had opened all the hells. He twice said that he had done so, but I never saw any sign of it," Hiei replied, shoving his sword away and knotting the strip of cloth over his third eye. "So I decided to see for myself."

"Good show," Yusuke said approvingly. "Now can we leave? Exit's over there, unless you want to go back the way you came."

Hiei looked up, then back at Yusuke. "I don't think that the way I came exists any longer. This place...it likes having people wander into it, but I don't think it likes letting people out."

"I'm not surprised. Let's go," Yusuke said, heading back through the smoke. "We kind of left without much of an explanation."

"We'll certainly be returning with one," Kurama muttered before breaking into racking coughs.

Yusuke blinked, then reached back and dragged Kurama up next to him. "You all right?"

"You're a habitual smoker and Hiei's a fire demon," Kurama pointed out breathlessly. "I'm neither. I'm fine."

"I am not a habitual smoker," Yusuke said indignantly. "I go for long, extended periods without cigarettes. You know, like six months or so. And then when I don't need my lungs so much..."

"And Hiei says I get soft," Kurama muttered as they all stared up at the gate. "How do we open this thing? It _does_ open, doesn't it?"

There was a moment of silence where they all contemplated the odds of the gate into hell being operational from the fiery side.

"We didn't think this through, did we?" Yusuke asked Kurama.

Kurama shrugged. "You must be rubbing off on me."

Yusuke stared at him in total disbelief. "We are trapped in hell and all you can say is that I'm rubbing off on you?"

"We're not that trapped," Hiei said, eyeing the opening gap in the gate. "But no. You didn't think this through at all. And yet your collective luck wins out again."

"Don't argue with the collective luck," Yusuke warned as Kurama bit down another fit of coughing and slipped through the gap in the doors. "Skinny bastard," he added.

"Just because I don't contrive to artfully shred my clothing during fights," Kurama replied innocently, "you all think I am entirely devoid of muscle."

Yusuke decided that the best response to this was to completely ignore it. Hiei apparently agreed, as they both managed to edge through the gap without further comment. That was as far as they got before the compulsion to speak overtook them both.

"Gah," said Yusuke. "My eyes," he added blankly.

"What, precisely, are you doing?" Hiei demanded.

Kuwabara glanced up from his flaunting of muscle for Yukina's benefit. "I am demonstrating my physical prowess."

"He felt that merely opening the gates manually was insufficient," Yukina chipped in. "What have you been doing?"

"Wishing that I would never see a closed gate ever again in my life," Yusuke said bitterly. "That place is entirely on fire, or at least around here it is. Doesn't Koenma have some kind of sprinkler system in there?"

"There are places where it certainly isn't on fire," Hiei said meditatively, "but I didn't get a chance to see them."

Kurama had been leaning on the wall and breathing with great care. "Did you really want to?"

Yusuke grabbed the manual crank and began working it back around, swinging the gates shut with one last gust of smoke. "What, Koenma couldn't be bothered to do this himself?"

"I think he's still wondering why we all went running off," Yukina suggested, peering at Kurama with concern. "You don't look very well."

"I'm not, but in fifteen minutes I should be," Kurama estimated. "Thank you, though. Are you staying with us, or were you going somewhere?" he added to Hiei.

"He stays," Yusuke announced authoritatively. "You all stay, at least for the time being. Now, which way gets us back to Koenma's office?"

Several wrong turns later, they found Koenma reading one page of the file on El Zorromancer and Jorge perusing another. "I smell smoke," Jorge said without looking up.

"That would be us," Yusuke announced. "Someone should do something about that fire."

"It's not the only place on fire," Koenma said, setting his piece of paper aside. "Jorge! Show them the overhead of – "

"It's the human world, isn't it?" Yusuke asked sharply. "Isn't it?" he repeated. When Koenma nodded, he pursued, "Is it deliberate or accidental?"

"With no one in the city, an accidental fire could rage out of control easily," Kurama said quietly. "And I don't think that we pay the police or the fire department even close to enough for them to stay where there are zombies."

"We don't get paid," Kuwabara noted. "We really should get paid."

"I don't get paid," Jorge piped up. "Why is that?"

Koenma glared. "Will someone just go back to the human world and look at it?"

"We can all go," Yusuke said. "We can split up later if we need to, but that way we're all on the spot if it is the man himself."

"Are you going too?" Koenma asked Yukina, who had been standing off to one side.

"Yes," Yukina answered. "I'm coming because you have no reason not to include me," she added. "I am not at your level of power, but I will certainly be better than most human or demon undead slaves. I will not get in the way should the necromancer find us."

"What if he takes you as a hostage?" Kuwabara asked.

Yukina considered. "Most higher-level demons do not take hostages in the way you think. They may offer a life for another life, but they won't use demons as a shield against other demons. Too often, both the hostage and the hostage-taker are killed. Demons do not arbitrarily value other demons' lives like humans do with their own."

"She's got a point there," Yusuke agreed slowly. "And you are a demon."

"All right," Koenma said loudly, hoping to get them on the move before something else happened. "Hiei, what did Mukuro think about that letter?"

Hiei blinked. "It was quite odd. They had to know that we'd refuse, and we did. It seemed like more of something to get us involved, rather than to get our permission. Like he was trying to draw me into it. He knew she'd either send me to investigate or I'd go on my own account."

"As I would, of course, ask Yusuke to look into this," Koenma agreed. "What about Kurama and Kuwabara? Do you think he's trying to get them into this?"

Hiei looked mildly startled to be having a tactical conversation with Koenma. "Yes. He was probably counting on you asking all three of them to look into this, and even if you didn't, Yusuke would at least get Kuwabara. I think he would have found someone to get Kurama involved if need be. There are a lot of people who don't like him very much who have died," Hiei said thoughtfully. "Or, instead, _liked_ him very much. The end result would be the same."

"Then there is an advantage to my presence," Yukina picked up. "He won't count on my being there. I don't think we'll have much of an element of surprise, but it might rattle his plans just enough to give us a better chance."

"Wait," Kuwabara protested. "So he doesn't just want us out of the way? He wants us involved?"

"Of course," Kurama replied. "If a necromancer doesn't want to be bothered by someone, he doesn't kill them. He can do a number of other incapacitating things. If he wants to use someone, he kills them. That's especially true of this one. He's reviving people without abandon. He doesn't know who he's resurrecting, and he's barely controlling them. Killing us would do him very little good if he wants us stopped."

"Why would a necromancer want to use us?" Kuwabara pressed.

Yusuke's eyes were focused on something off to the right as he spoke. "You heard him say that he wants to surpass the spirit world as a ruler. If he wants to enforce his power, it seems that he has the power to more or less get his kind to agree with him. It's the living he'll have trouble with, though I don't know if he means to leave anyone alive. That may be our function. There are a lot of people in the world. Humans couldn't resist if he turned us loose on them, especially if we can't die. After that, we might just be ornamental, to remind people what happens if they act out."

"Eurgh," said Kuwabara. "I don't want to be his killing machine."

"But you know why he does the things he does to us," Yusuke said. "However, considering what we've seen from him, he could just be utterly raving and have sent these letters to us because a dancing purple kumquat told him to."

Hiei rolled his eyes. "Because a certifiably mad necromancer is so much safer than a sane one. They're both dangerous. A mad one because you cannot predict his movements, unless you know what motivates...dancing purple kumquats." There was a pause in which Kurama tried valiantly to keep a straight face. "And a sane one because you also cannot predict his movements, but because he has conviction that there is a reason for what he does. I think that this one is sane."

"Coming from you, that means oh so much," Kuwabara muttered.

Hiei ignored him. "A madman wouldn't feel the need or the desire to even threaten to play the dead off the living."

"I think your definitions of sane and mad are a little out of step with the human world, but I understand what you're getting at," Yusuke said with incredible diplomacy.

Koenma cleared his throat. "Now that you know what you're up against, are you ready to go?"

"If," Kuwabara declared before anyone else could speak. "If and only if you let us through all the gates without waiting, then we are ready to go."

Koenma sighed and summoned a guard. "One last thing," he added, his afterthought sounding troubled already.

"What?" Yusuke asked warily.

"I would like you to find Botan," Koenma said. "She is missing, as you know. It seems likely that she is injured and in need of help at best. Find her and bring her back here, regardless of her condition."

"Perhaps I will be the one to look for her," Yukina said. "I can make sure that she is stable enough to travel, you see."

"We'll all look for her," Kuwabara added. "It'll be on our way. Or we'll make it be on our way."

"I suppose there's one consolation," Kurama said thoughtfully. "We know for certain that she isn't dead."

"Really?" Koenma asked. His tone was somewhere between bewildered and suspicious.

Kurama's eyes narrowed. "Because we can't find her. If she died, she'd be back already. In case you hadn't noticed, the dead are walking around."

Koenma eyed the look on Kurama's face. "Sorry. I'm more used to distrusting you."

"People are," Kurama said, turning away and heading for the door.

"Well, in all fairness, I don't trust him," Kuwabara said hurriedly, pointing at Hiei. "But you're all right."

Kurama waved one hand at him and walked out, but he was reluctantly starting to grin. Kuwabara and Yukina both caught up with the departing demon, and the three of them disappeared down the hallway.

"Argh," said Koenma. "Something wrong with our fox demon, there?"

"Yes, but buggered if I know what it is," Yusuke replied gloomily. "By the way, don't ever do that again. To either of them. They deserve a bit better than that after the time they've had working for you."

There was a long pause. "I'm still here, you know," Hiei finally said uncomfortably.

"Oh good," Yusuke said blithely. "I take this to mean that you'll be coming with us."

Hiei blinked with a sort of stunned but acquiescing expression.

Yusuke started for the exit. "Then let's go," he added, his face darkening. "We'll talk to you again when we have some kind of news. We'll aim for good news, but no guarantees."

"I appreciate it," Koenma sighed.

"You know, Koenma-sama, in this file it says that El Zorromancer once took a poll of recently resurrected undead. Apparently the top five things that they want most, in ascending order, are: a starring role in a zombie flick, a chance at the person who killed them, BRAAAAAINS, lots of money, and really good sex," Jorge read off. "Does that sound useful?"

Koenma looked for support from Yusuke and Hiei, but they had both quietly slipped out around the BRAAAAAINS part of the speech. "Keep reading, Jorge."

The five of them ended up on a ridge overlooking the city. It was quite a dramatic ridge, and they had used it often for various brooding-filled purposes. It was also useful for being able to survey the city without being completely swamped by the smell of burning rubber and decay.

"It's a mess, but not a large one," Yukina said, gazing at the direction of the fire. "At least, it isn't now. I can probably put it out, but if it's some kind of chemical fire, I may only accelerate it. Can you tell what it is?" she asked Hiei, who shook his head wordlessly. "Bother. I suppose I should look at it."

"Let's look for Botan first," Yusuke ordered. "Does anyone have even the faintest idea where she might have gone?"

Kuwabara and Kurama both looked utterly blank. Hiei had the sort of look that contestants on Jeopardy develop when they realize they know the answer from the Disney Films category but aren't sure they want the money that badly. Yukina looked around at her fellow potential answerers, then sighed and said, "We were talking about the undead student we met when she left. She may have gone to look in the same area. I would have."

"Where did you see your zombie, then?" Yusuke asked.

This one Kuwabara could answer. "It's that way," he indicated, sketching the direction in the air. "Should we go?"

"Show us," Yusuke commanded, and Kuwabara did.

They went at a relatively tame pace for them in deference to Yukina's clothes, which were effectively preventing her from hurrying in the way she would have liked. This gave all five of them the full benefit of the smoky air that was liberally perfumed with decay. Yukina alone seemed unaffected, as with her healing skills had probably come a decent immunity to the smell of putrefaction.

"How many dead people are there walking around, to make it smell this bad?" Kuwabara groaned, both hands clapped over the lower end of his face.

"Too many," Yusuke replied unhappily. "Urgh."

Kurama rubbed his hands over his face and swallowed hard. "The heat isn't helping. It had to be summer when this happened, didn't it?"

"Urgh," Yusuke repeated plaintively. "Let's talk about something else. Oh, shit," he added as he caught sight of a decaying body trapped under a rolled-over car. It occasionally twitched spasmodically. "Shit. Oh, God, I have to do something about that." He bit decisively on his lower lip, then strode towards the twitching body.

Kuwabara made a choked noise and wobbled over to lean against the side of a building. Yukina hastily went to his side and put a cool hand against the back of his neck. "Breathe through your mouth. Breathe in. Yes, that's it."

Closing his eyes, Kurama felt his way very carefully into the nearest alley, pulled his hair back as best he could, then threw up in a trash can. "Just think," he muttered to the trash can. "I could've been a nice person and gone in for healing, too. I would have gotten over all this vomiting and general sickness centuries ago." There was a muted flash from the street outside, which sent a gust of air into Kurama's face again. Kurama swore bitterly and retched again, clawing hastily at his hair.

There was a faint sigh as someone pulled his hair out of his face. Kurama would have jumped about five feet had he not been otherwise indisposed. "You wouldn't have liked being a healer. You're a far better thief, anyway."

Kurama coughed, then wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Hiei. I'm fine." Slanting his eyes sideways, he continued, "You look about as good as I feel."

Hiei was, if possible, even whiter than normal. The green tinge really emphasized this look. "Probably."

"Yusuke finish whatever he was going to do for that creature under the car?" Kurama asked, straightening up and in doing so pulling his hair out of Hiei's fingers.

"I wouldn't know," Hiei said, looking fixedly at the wall.

Kurama nodded and left the alley, calling, "What happened out here?"

Hiei held his fingers up to the light and examined the red strands of hair caught between them. Five seconds later he disappeared from the alley, hands in his pockets.

" – I didn't recognize the university badge," Kuwabara was saying as everyone moved. "I don't remember what it was, so that's out. I couldn't have told it to Botan anyway."

"But she could have looked for the nearest one," Yusuke pointed out.

Kurama sighed. "We can't find the nearest university to where Yukina and Kuwabara found the first zombie if we don't go to that place, can we?"

"We could if we had a map," Yusuke said thoughtfully. "But we don't."

"Maybe one of us should go ahead and look around the university?" Yukina suggested.

Yusuke shook his head. "Not a good idea just yet. We can't get into contact with each other once separated, aside from yelling and hoping the wind is blowing in the right direction."

"We need to make Koenma spring for walkie-talkies. Or lessons in telepathy," Kuwabara suggested.

"Telepathy isn't hard," said Hiei blankly.

Kurama cast his eyes to the sky in a motion that suggested he would roll his eyes if he didn't think it was bad for his image. "For you, of course. It would be something of a job for any of us to reply."

"You've done it," Hiei said. "I know you have."

Kurama nodded. "Yes, every time I want a splitting headache of the kind that makes my teeth hurt. This body does not like telepathy."

"Wait. Wait a minute. Who's carrying cell phones? I have one. We all have them," Kuwabara broke in. "And don't talk about telepathy like it's _so_ easy. It's not."

"Yes," Yusuke answered the cell phone question, producing his. "And Hiei, but I think his is on a totally different wavelength."

Hiei blinked. "Different _wavelength_?"

Yukina smiled. "Our system and your system are probably incompatible, but I would say that it was a difference in technology rather than a difference in wavelength. What about you?" she asked Kurama.

"I have an iPod," Kurama offered.

"Splitting up sounds like a bad idea, then," Yusuke concluded. "But cell phones are good things to have, if we don't run out of battery life first."

There was a bewildered pause. "You still run cell phones on batteries?" Yukina asked. "I am sorry. Oh!" she added, coming to a halt. Everyone else stopped with her. "I've seen this before. What is it?" she asked, looking more closely at a small green spot in the air. Wings and eyes were barely discernible in it.

"No," Kurama whispered. "No. It's impossible." He backed up two steps, then turned on his heel and fled without another word.

Yusuke and Hiei both twigged a second later. "Aw, shit," Yusuke said. "RUN!"

Hiei was gone in less than a second, Yusuke not far behind. Kuwabara and Yukina had made it to the mouth of an alley when the bomb exploded.

* * *

I got Hiei to say 'dancing purple kumquats' in all seriousness. I AM GOD.

This chapter shows the first of my OMG WHERE IS THE JAGAN INFORMATION research.

Kurama doesn't artfully shred his clothes. Ever. He wears short sleeves once or twice, and he sort of unbuttons his shirt once during the Dark Tournament. When there are lots of plants in the way. Meanwhile, everyone else is "LOOKIT ME WITHOUT A SHIRT." If I were them, I would be incredibly suspicious. Maybe he got utterly plonked once upon a time and has a really unfortunate tattoo. shot

Please don't hurt me. I...did mention that the preponderence of Karasu-resurrection 'fics out there demanded the appearance of zombie!Karasu...or maybe I didn't...um. runs farther

* * *

**Nyte Kit:** It just sort of...happens. Kurama is...well, he's paranoid and on edge, and here you have the reason.

**Bluespark:** Now _that_ would be a long-distance phone call.

**A lilmatchgirl:** Well...hell kind of...exploded. Does that count?

**Capella Alpha Aurigae:** Hurrah for boarding school! **fist of boarding-school** And o, Monty Python, how I love your never-ending fountain of ridiculous quotes.

**Oya:** Problem is, he'll never let her.

**KyoHana:** Hey presto!

**KD EbonyKitty:** Spam spam spam spam spam spam...we're MEN. We're MEN in TIIIIIIIGHTS. And yeah, Botan's having a rough time. It's only because I like her! We hurt the ones we love!

**kikira-chan:** If his points made sense, he'd be the good guy. He's got to be a touch...not all there. Or maybe too much there.

**Viridian Magpie:** Up lowertadfield! (Wow, there are other people who manage to be simultaneously fond of Good Omens and YYH. That hurts my brain in a happy way.)

**please inflate my ego. i need to totally rewrite my college essay. thank you.**


	6. in which things go boom

**chapter six: in which things go boom**

Hiei stared at the settling dust, then looked around. "Damn."

"Damn," echoed a pile of rubble from which Yusuke emerged. "All right, one mystery has been solved. You thought this would happen, didn't you?" he accused, brushing rock dust from his hair.

"I wondered," Hiei began carefully, "if he was thinking that someone would come looking for him. No, I didn't wonder. You are right; I did know."

"I think we all had something of a guess," Yusuke replied, looking around warily. "Oh, what was his name...Karasu. Yes. He can't be far. He liked to attack from within speaking distance."

"But we're not the ones being attacked," Hiei pointed out.

"Mm," Yusuke agreed. "And now we have no real way to find Kurama save for screaming and praying the wind is blowing the right way."

"Let's not discuss the wind," Hiei said, swallowing.

"Fine. Let's discuss that Kurama has an undead and thoroughly psychotic stalker who gets off on killing people!" Yusuke wailed. "Because that's so much better than merely puking!"

"It could be worse," Hiei said with a crooked smile. "Your Toguro could be back looking for a rematch at the same time. It is well that he was satisfied with you when he died."

Yusuke shuddered. "Don't say such things. I believe firmly in Murphy's Law. So which way do you think we should go?"

"Back to where the bomb detonated," Hiei said, to which Yusuke nodded.

This was the exact opposite of the decision being made by Yukina and Kuwabara, who were both groggily waking up at the other end of the alley. "There's a wall in the way anyway," Kuwabara reasoned. "And I bet Urameshi's going to go tearing after whoever made that thing go off, and we have to go find Botan."

"Mrr," said Yukina blearily, wobbling to her feet. "We do indeed. And you have your phone, so you can call Yusuke."

"Even better," Kuwabara agreed equally blearily. He fumbled in a pocket, drew out his phone, and gazed hopefully at the screen. "That is, I could if I had a signal worth anything."

Yukina pulled Kuwabara to his feet, which allowed for a somewhat predictable five-minute interlude. When this was concluded and they had remembered why they were on their feet in the first place, they both cast one last look at the destruction behind them, then hurried away down the alley.

"I wonder," Yukina said. "You have very strong psychic powers."

"I can't just find Botan," Kuwabara reported. "It's not that easy."

Yukina looked slightly evasive. "Actually, I distinctly remember you telling me stories about your ability to navigate mazes or traps in order to meet a specific goal. Perhaps you could try that?"

Kuwabara looked somewhere between annoyed that he hadn't thought of it himself and amazed that Yukina had been listening that closely, to come up with such things. So might Othello have looked if Desdemona had started offering strategic tips. "It's been so long since I've done that, I clean forgot about it," he explained in an awed voice.

Yukina beamed. "Aren't you glad you have me, then?"

"Like a sexy walking Post-it," Kuwabara assured her. "All right. Operation Save Botan starts! Super-awesome navigation skills, on!"

Giggling, Yukina asked, "Which way?"

Kuwabara looked around, the prideful expression fading as he thought. "There," he said, pointing to a side street that cut off to the right. "That way."

"So do you just get a sense of where you have to go, or do you see the whole thing at once in your head?" inquired Yukina.

Kuwabara shrugged. "I just go," he said, absently turning into a side street. Yukina doubted that he had consciously noticed the direction change and chased after him. "Say, Yukina, what were those green spot things and how did the others know to be spooked?"

Yukina made a face from the effort of racking her memory. "I can't really recall it. It was something I saw after you freed me from that...person. I remember that there was something beautiful about the situation, but that the green things themselves were horrible. But that doesn't mean much to me," she added. "I have seen many beautiful things that were horrible as well."

"Can you pick out a specific event?" Kuwabara asked. "Was I there?"

Yukina nodded energetically. "You were there. You were fighting," she added.

Kuwabara smiled. "I'll take a winger on this and guess at the Dark Tournament, since I was more or less useless afterwards for rather a long time."

"The Dark Tournament!" Yukina agreed, snapping her fingers. "Yes, that's it! Thank you." She left a quick imprint of blue lipstick on Kuwabara's cheek, then continued. "You weren't the one actively fighting, though." Yukina frowned, then started muttering to herself and ticking things off on her fingers, not really noticing when Kuwabara nudged them down another alley. "Oh," she finally said, looking up. "Oh, dear."

"That sounds bad," Kuwabara noted. "Is it bad?"

Yukina quirked one corner of her mouth thoughtfully. "It's not good, but at least I remember it. There was a demon in the Dark Tournament who liked to make things explode. Kurama killed him but lost anyway."

"And nearly got himself killed in the process," Kuwabara finished. "Much like the rest of us."

"At least the near-death was evenly distributed," Yukina said gravely. "It shouldn't be very much fun if only one person had all the near-death experiences among you all."

"If one person had all our near-death experiences combined, they would be a walking miracle," Kuwabara predicted. It was about then that the impact of Yukina's words sank in. "Wait. Wait a minute. You're saying that the guy with the bombs is back."

"It looks very much like it," Yukina said. "If you'll consider the way Kurama bolted, it makes even more sense."

Kuwabara shook his head. "No, it doesn't. Okay, he was killed with a plant. But as far as Kurama's kills go, this one was relatively whole...until the entire damn tournament dome exploded. I don't think that someone fetched him out before the place went up in smoke."

"They must have, though," Yukina replied. "Don't you remember? Between Hiei, Kurama, and the people they fought, that dome was nearly destroyed before you even got up there to fight. They had to stop and repair it, and of course they had to clear away the dead after each fight. Besides, a plant that sucked demon blood was living on him. They would have moved such a thing away from a fight between demons. Either way, they probably dumped his body and killed the plant."

"Wonderful," Kuwabara groaned. "I remember that he didn't care about collateral damage when he went for a kill."

Yukina slipped one arm through his. "Well, one thing has improved since then," she said. "The last time I saw Kurama confronted with explosives, he tended to tamely stand around and let them hit him. Now he knows enough to leave the area. He's learning."

"Running away is so undignified," Kuwabara spluttered.

"So is dying," Yukina pointed out as they rounded another corner. "How close are we, do you think?"

Kuwabara slowed to a halt and peered around. "Quite close. The closer I get to something, the harder it is to figure out where to go, because more options open up."

Yukina looked around as well. "That's a strange place to put trash cans," she noted, gazing at what seemed to be an outdoor cellar. "I know. Let's see if there's anyone inside the building."

"That _is_ a strange place for trash cans," Kuwabara agreed, his eyes narrowing. "I'm going to see what's under them."

Yukina nodded. "That sounds good to me. I'll go look around the building. It's a dormitory," she added after reading the sign.

Kuwabara caught her gently by the shoulders. "If you need help, scream."

Yukina grinned at him. "You too." Shrugging out of his grip, she turned and trotted into the building. It was dark and cool inside, with just a faint smell of blood and decay. "Hello? Is anyone in here?"

"Yes," a voice said sharply from the stairs. "It wouldn't be too much to hope that you are from a hospital, would it?"

Yukina blinked and let her eyes adjust to the gloom. She finally picked out a stocky girl with hair cropped to her cheekbones and rectangular glasses sitting on the banister. "In a manner of speaking, I could be of more help to you than a hospital, if you would have me."

"I'll have you," the girl said fervently. "I'm a med student, but there's only so much I can do with my kit and my textbooks. I'm not certified for a thing."

Yukina crossed quickly to the stairs. "Then I'll help you. You have injured people here?"

The girl nodded. "Word got out that I was doling out first aid to my dorm, and then half the campus shows up. I treated and released those that I could, but some were too afraid or too badly hurt to go anywhere else. Traffic is impossible with all the things in the roads and no one could land a med chopper here. And...some of them aren't actually alive, but they don't know where else to go. My...my boyfriend, he's one of them. I didn't treat him before, and now he's...not alive. I mean, I guess it's some comfort that he died before I saw him first, but I'm kicking myself for not doing something then." Flinging a door open, she added, "I'm Touya."

"Yukina," the ice maiden introduced herself as she looked around. It seemed that all the beds from the floor had been introduced into the second floor lounge and yet people were still lying on the floor. Another group of nervous-looking people huddled in the kitchen, talking distractedly to each other. They looked relatively whole, but tended to have clouded eyes, faintly greenish skin, and seemed to be dealing queasily with rigor setting in. "Are you the undead?" she asked the kitchen-dwellers.

The knot of students looked at each other, then at the boy who seemed to be their leader. He was meditatively smoking an expertly rolled roach. "Yep," he said with a sigh. "Doesn't get much worse than this."

"Could you smoke that where the windows are open, please?" Yukina asked. "It mightn't be good for the sick ones."

The boy coughed. "Do I have to? Hey, it went out!" he added, looking at the formerly lit end. Icemelt dripped from it to the floor. "What the hell?"

"I realized that the smell outside is too powerful for you to open the windows," Yukina explained.

The boy squinted at her. "Do I know you? I saw someone who looked a lot like you. Taller, carried a big stick, more hair. That was when you didn't believe me," he added sulkily to Touya.

"I'm a believer," Touya muttered, removing an ice pack from a female student's burn.

"You saw her?" Yukina asked, putting the pieces together. "Where did she go?"

The boy shook his head. "We were talking, she said I was dead, and then suddenly...it's like someone sneaked up inside my mind, put a bag over my head, and shoved me in a closet. Then I wake up and she's gone and there's all these people everywhere. I really needed a drink after that."

"Um," Touya broke into Yukina's thoughts. "Could you help me with her?"

"Of course," Yukina replied, kneeling next to the female student. It took her five seconds to heal the burn and another five to fix the cracked jaw. The smashed hand would be worse. "I need someone to hold her arm steady while I work," she said to Touya. "Can you do that, or are you busy?"

Touya picked her lower jaw up off the floor. "Um. Okay. I know that there's undead people walking around and all, but you were just like..." here she twiddled her fingers, "and then she's just fixed!"

"She's not fixed until I do her hand," Yukina persisted. "Will you hold her?"

"Hey, Weed, come lend a hand," Touya said, getting over her initial disbelief with the ease of desperation. "Do what the new girl tells you. I'll go check on the others before you get to them."

Touya's boyfriend Weed obediently came and took the student's arm. "Like this?" he asked.

"Tighter," Yukina said, pressing his hands down. "Now, he's going to make sure that you don't move, but I want you to do your best to stay still, all right?" she told the girl gently. "This is going to tingle," she added as she numbed the hand with a touch. "Ready?"

She progressed through the dimly lit room, healing burns, broken bones, intracranial bleeding, torn skin, bite marks, and easing shock as she went. One nasty case required her to reattach an eye. The spooked undead in the kitchen were quickly obeying her commands under the guidance of Weed, who took his cues silently from Touya. Yukina tried not to think about their relationship. It was obviously a close and affectionate one, despite the bickering. She liked relationships very well, but wasn't too sure how one between a living girl and a dead boy would hold up. Then again, her own relationship probably made equal sense.

"Hey," Weed said as she looked at the room of recently healed students. "Um. I was wondering if you could do your magic on me."

Yukina gave him a long look. He did look rather beaten up. "I don't know," she said. "I could stitch those wounds, but I can't heal dead tissue."

Weed rubbed his head. "I just don't want to have to go to that guy from inside my head to get fixed up, is all. He's the one who went into my head when the girl who looked like you went missing. He feels nice, but he also feels kind of dangerous."

"I think that's an accurate idea," Yukina told him. "But you might want to consider going anyway."

"I really need a smoke," Weed said mournfully, looking at his joint.

Yukina took the joint from him and sniffed it. "Cannabis?" When Weed nodded, she smiled. "The human version must be very tame, if you smoked it in here without any ill effects?"

"The human version? What?" Weed stared at her with cloudy, dilated eyes.

"The demon world kind is more of a party trick," Yukina said. "We dry and burn it in great braziers and everyone starts to relax and hallucinate. The stuff is quite potent. A whiff of it will have you seeing blue ostriches for three hours."

"Hell of a party," Weed said. "So, the demon world, huh?"

Yukina nodded. "Oh yes. I'm an ice maiden, but I studied healing. We live in the demon world."

Weed nodded sagely. "Was the other girl an ice maiden too?"

"She was a guide for the dead," Yukina answered.

"She told me something like that," Weed recollected. "Well, anything else we can do here?"

Yukina looked at him seriously. "If you or anyone else can remember anything about where Botan, the girl who looks like me, might have gone, you need to tell me right away. She's missing, and we think she might be hurt."

Weed looked at his hands. "I don't like this. I mean, being the undead is kind of cool in a novelty way, but it's...it's starting to sound like the guy who did this just walked into my head and took over, and while he was there he killed a girl. _I_ might have killed her."

"She's probably not dead," Yukina told him firmly. "We'd have found her."

Weed shrugged. "Then I hurt her. I still hate it."

Yukina could see his point. "Well, don't worry. My boyfriend and some of his friends and...and my brother, at least I think he's my brother, they're going to go get the guy who did this."

"Yukina!" The shout came from outside, sending Yukina scrabbling at one of the windows before she realized what she was doing.

"I have to go!" she called to Weed and Touya, turning away from the window. "That's my boyfriend and he said he'd call if he needed my help. He wouldn't need my help if it wasn't bad." She didn't wait for their reaction but pelted out of the room, down the stairs, and out the door.

Kuwabara had been carefully excavating the outdoor cellar, trying not to tip the trash cans over and spill the muck any more than he had to. It had been a painstaking task even with the use of his aura sword as a grabby tool, and he had never had much patience with painstaking tasks. But the need was great enough for him to keep at it, though all his instincts clamoured for him to go and punch the wall in frustration once or twice.

He had been nearly to the bottom when he had spotted the flash of blue hair and the fingers. That was when he screamed, though he kept after the last two cans. He had pulled one more out by the time Yukina screeched to a halt next to him. She stared down into the hole, then clapped both hands over her mouth. "Oh _no._"

Kuwabara pulled the last can free with a savage flick, then drew in his aura. "We've got to get down there."

"How will we get back up?" Yukina asked before he could jump down. "And what's to say we won't land on her?"

"There's a back door to down there from inside the dorm," Touya said. "It's a favourite spot for couples. The girl goes down the back way and the boy jumps in here. It's also good for storing your extra stuff."

"Or for getting high," Weed contributed.

"Show me," Yukina ordered, heading back towards them. "She's badly off."

Touya and Yukina disappeared into the building, leaving Kuwabara crouched anxiously by the hole and Weed shuffling his feet on the front steps. Weed glanced around, then drew in a deep breath and strode over to Kuwabara. "I'm Weed."

"Kuwabara Kazuma," said Kuwabara. In his distraction he forgot to add some of his usual descriptive adjectives.

Weed took another deep breath, then looked down at Botan. "God." He sat down with a thump and covered his eyes. "Oh, God."

"What?" Kuwabara asked sharply.

Weed sighed. "I'm the undead. She came to try and...get me. Then someone else jumps into my head and shoves me aside. When I wake up, she's not there, but there are a bunch of other undead people. I did this," he concluded wretchedly.

"Not necessarily," Kuwabara told him. "Someone else was in your head, you know."

Weed made an unhappy noise and stared down into the hole. "She looks really young."

"She's not," Yukina called up, hurrying into view. "Don't worry, she's tough. She's a ferry girl. But this is bad..." she added in a whisper, running her fingers lightly over Botan's face before concentrating. She went over the ferry girl's entire body twice, the injuries incurred in the fall and burial shrinking in her wake. When the whole procedure was done, she gently shook Botan's shoulder. "Botan. Botan!"

"Nngh," said Botan. "Five more minutes."

Yukina burst into relieved laughter. "Botan, you need to wake up."

"Here, we can carry her," Touya said. "Actually, I can. You need a strapping girl like me for that, though she doesn't seem to weigh much."

Kuwabara and Weed both exhaled and sat back on their heels. "Good," Weed said. "That's good."

Surging to his feet, Kuwabara stuck out a hand to Weed and helped him up. "You're not as cold as I thought you'd be," he said, looking confused.

Weed shrugged. "It's warm out. I should go back in where it's cool, though. Touya said it would slow the decay for us, to stay in there. It feels like a meat locker. Makes us stiffer, though."

"It is a meat locker," Touya said, emerging from the front door with Botan in her arms. "That would be the point. Unless you want me to pull out your internal organs, pickle you, and spice you up."

Weed stared for a long moment. "No."

"Good man," Touya said. "Okay, here's your girl. Who's going to carry her now?"

"You can put me down," Botan suggested, and this was gingerly done. "Thank you."

Weed looked uncertainly at Botan. "I'm really sorry," he finally said woefully. "I didn't mean to. I didn't want to. I'm really sorry."

Botan blinked. "Oh no, I exorcised you long before I got tossed down there," she said. "Our necromancer must be able to restore souls. I'm not surprised, but that's a bloody pain."

"I didn't do it?" Weed asked.

"You didn't," Botan confirmed. "So. What now?"

"We," Kuwabara said, "are going to deliver you to Koenma, who is absolutely raving. Did we mention that the hells have broken open? Because they have. And Karasu, you remember him? Crazy guy, had a red-haired fox-demon fetish, liked to blow stuff up? He's back too."

"Oh," Botan said, blinking with the memory. "Ugh. He was sick in many, many sick ways. I never want to see that kind of torture again."

"Who is this guy? Wait, he's around here?" Touya demanded, backing towards the dormitory door and pulling Weed with her. "None of us have red hair, do we?" she asked Weed.

"No redheads," Weed confirmed. "Kon bleached out a little while ago."

"He's pretty well fixated on Kurama anyway," Botan said. "Wait. Wait a second. The hells have done _what?"_

Yukina's mouth twitched. "It sounds like it's time to go," she said solemnly. "Kazuma, perhaps you should call Yusuke."

"We can get back faster if we find my oar," Botan added, looking around.

"The thing you were waving at me?" Weed asked, rooting under the steps into the dormitory. "Here you go."

Botan took it with a cheery smile and hopped on, indicating that Yukina and Kuwabara should follow. "A bit dirty, but it still flies."

"That looks incredibly uncomfortable," Kuwabara said, though Yukina had gotten on without a qualm. "I feel vaguely threatened by it."

Botan rolled her eyes impatiently. "Men always do. Look, this is a one-shot deal. I'm in a hurry and I'm leaving, so if you want to stay with your girl, get on and damn the consequences."

"The consequences are important," Kuwabara said weakly, but he complied. "You certainly recovered quickly."

"Flying is easy," Botan said. "I sit here and move the handle around some. I can be very energetic, even when I don't want to."

"Flying?" Touya and Weed asked in unison. They got their answer when the oar started rising.

"Flying!" Botan called down. "Bye now!"

Weed felt in a pocket and pulled out a joint. "You know, I think I'm going to go into the cellar and have a toke. I deserve it."

"I think you should share with all of us," Touya muttered. She shooed Weed into the building, looked around with scared eyes, then slammed the door and threw the bolt.

In a much dirtier alley quite far from there, Kurama slowed to a halt and looked around. "I'm an idiot," he said bleakly. "That definitely could have been handled more gracefully." He sighed and leaned against one of the grimy walls without thought for his clothes or hair. "And maybe getting thoroughly lost in the back streets of wherever the hell I am wasn't such a good idea either. Am I even in the same city?"

There was a large whoosh and thump. "I never knew that you were in the habit of talking to yourself. Charming."

Kurama's thought processes did the mental equivalent of running into a wall at full tilt. "I'm not, actually," he said. It was about all his brain could handle at the moment.

"Well, one can't assume everything," said Karasu. "You're looking pale. Surprised to see me?"

"You're one to talk," Kurama retorted.

Karasu gently touched the wall to either side of Kurama's head. "I suppose that I am. If I were you," he added, "I would not move."

Kurama could just barely see the green glow out of the corners of his eyes. "Are you saying it would be a pity to kill me so quickly?"

"Yes and no," Karasu said. "I like your pretty face as is, leading me to prefer another manner of death for you. I could nick your arteries, flay your skin off, break your neck, or suffocate you. I could destroy you from the inside out. But I should prefer to stretch your death out. I would certainly like to make it last for days."

"So you just want me to hold still," Kurama said. "And if I don't? What if I want to die rather than let you touch me?"

Raising one hand, Karasu ran one skeletal finger down the side of Kurama's neck, drawing blood. "Then I'll pick up the pieces and have you put back together," he murmured. "It would be interesting, I think, to see how much you can take before you throw yourself into my bombs. But remember," he added, grabbing Kurama's face before the fox demon could move. "If you die, you won't stay that way. And I do so love to kill beautiful things like you."

"My vanity thanks you," Kurama said softly. "But I killed you once. I can kill you again."

Karasu looked like he might be smiling behind the somewhat squished metal mask. "You cannot kill what is already dead."

"You speak of killing me over and over when I am dead," Kurama challenged.

Karasu's eyes crinkled. "You speak of destroying me, of not letting me ever walk this earth again. I speak of feeling you shatter in the most final and ultimate way, and then having you restored and doing it again." He leaned closer and breathed the scent of rot into Kurama's face. "Because that will be part of the horror I feel in you. The horror that you will never die."

"Maybe I don't want to die," Kurama said.

Karasu reached up and unhooked the battered mask, exposing a lipless smile. "Maybe you don't. But when I am around, I think that you very much do. I prize this feeling highly, that I am worth your life."

"You're not worth my life." Kurama stared at him emptily. "You just want to think so."

"But dearest," Karasu said. "You tried to kill yourself to kill me."

Kurama directed all the aimless hatred floating around inside him to his eyes. "Go back to hell."

"You once said, you know, that Minamino Shuuichi was not yet up to the task of killing me," Karasu contemplated. "Is Minamino Shuuichi ready yet? Or do we get the pretty youko form instead?"

Kurama reacted, both hands flying up to pry Karasu's fingers from his person. One of them had been reduced to bone. "If you detonate anything at this range you'll hurt yourself too," Kurama hissed.

Karasu dug in the fingers of bone, making Kurama flinch slightly. "Now, what could I do to make you stop struggling so?" He looked calculatingly at Kurama, then finally said, "It would be nice to know how you taste. Ah, see how I am right! You stopped moving."

This was true. Kurama had frozen from a combination of horror and confusion. "The hell it would," he finally managed. "Now get OFF MRRPH!"

What Karasu had not allowed for was that Kurama was something of a worldly demon and could actually continue making panic-stricken plans while being very unpleasantly pashed.

Shuddering mentally, Kurama closed his eyes, bit down hard on Karasu's tongue, and then went limp, dropping straight between the two bombs on either side of his head.

Karasu made a strangled noise as his tongue was ripped from his mouth, which was almost drowned out by both small explosives detonating. Kurama didn't stop, but instead swept Karasu's feet from under him as he fell. He was moving before Karasu hit the ground. It didn't take much effort for him to scramble up to a broken window at the end of the alley, set ten feet above the ground. By the time that Karasu was on his feet and popping his jaw back into place, Kurama had disappeared from his sight.

Karasu put his mask back on and made a gurgling noise that might have been interpreted as, "Shame about that." He considered all paths of egress from the alley, including the window, then decided that it might be a better idea to postpone his stalking until he had a tongue. Speaking was a useful thing when terrorizing, tormenting, or otherwise having fun.

"Wergle glurk," said Karasu loudly to the alley. This could have been taken to mean 'I'll be back', or it could have been meant literally, as there was a demonic language that included those words. However, 'Thursday puffer-fish' was nowhere near as menacing as a demon of Karasu's stature demanded from an exit line. He then turned on his heel and walked lazily away.

Kurama had been huddled under the window, still biting down on Karasu's tongue, and wondering whether it was a good idea to breathe. But he knew Karasu rather well, and it was not in Karasu's repertoire to pretend to leave.

The second he could no longer hear footsteps or sense Karasu, Kurama spat out the well-decayed tongue, then threw up again. "Oh, God," he said. It sounded like a prayer. "This isn't happening. Not like this."

Kurama contemplated screaming hysterics. They probably would have made him feel temporarily better, but killing Karasu would make for much more long-term warm fuzzies. Regardless, he didn't feel obliged to try and stop shaking. He had read in a biology textbook that people trembled to warm up, and he felt like he wouldn't be warm again any time soon.

* * *

"Weed nodded sagely." I deserve to be shot.

* * *

**Bluespark:** He _has_ a cell phone. It's an eighties cell phone that's ABOUT THE SIZE OF MY FOREARM. I don't blame him for not carrying it either. Sssh, there's no time discrepancy here.

**Nyte Kit:** I feel like the Sixth Sense man. I thought it was painfully obvious, and yet...no.

**Oya:** ...I think this is more than a 'slight' decaying smell. Still, I think I'm now going to procrastinate my homework and do YYH research.

**KyoHana:** I think my college essay is all right now. Wibble.

**Deannamaydeemcelwee:** ...dude, what's wrong with zombies?

**kikira-chan: **I volunteer my dorm's cellar for that purpose.

**Capella Alpha Aurigae:** It was a one-time deal. He took a cough drop and moved on with life. XD

**Kooriya Yui:** I shall tap my fingers together and laugh evilly.

**Evenewytenyght:** Funny dialogue is good.

**A lilmatchgirl:** I thought about it. I really did. Then I realised there's an annoyingly low number of people who have died and _resented_ it and are also worth resurrecting. The Saint Beasts would be worth about five sentences. Less. But I did toy with it. Because they would have been five funny lines.

* * *

**Will write for reviews.**


	7. in which yusuke plots

I made so many notes while writing this. So many.

* * *

**07: in which yusuke plots**

"It says here that he likes to take television remotes apart," Jorge read desperately from El Zorromancer's file. "Diverse hobbies, this one."

"Television remotes?" Botan asked, sounding bewildered. "When does he find time to do this between all the raising of the dead and fixing up their bodies and opening the hells and putting souls back and I don't know what else?" This was all on one breath.

Koenma eyed her severely. "Botan. Breathe." When this task was completed, he screamed, "Where have you _been_?"

"Don't be too hard on her, Koenma-sama," Yukina told him. "We just dug her up a little while ago."

"Dug her up?" Koenma asked, deflating.

Yukina and Kuwabara both nodded, though Botan looked uncertain. "I...well, I remember getting thrown down that hole, and something fell on me, and after that all I can recall is waking up again."

"They threw you into an outdoor cellar, then kept tossing trash cans down on you until you were buried," Kuwabara explained. "I'm guessing it was yesterday."

"Yesterday?" Botan asked, alarmed. "But I didn't go anywhere yesterday."

Koenma coughed. "Botan, it's been nearly a day and a half since you left my office."

"Oh," said Botan. "Well, that certainly changes things. So what's this talk about the hells breaking open?"

"It's not talk," Koenma began. He explained the trials and tribulations of the past day and a half relatively briefly, concluding with, "Now that we've found you, we can concentrate on finding our necromancer."

"Actually, we can't really focus on that alone," Yukina said, scuffing one foot on the floor shyly. "You see, it's starting to look like a demon who used to be dead in the conventional sense is up, walking around, and attacking us. What's to say more won't follow?"

"And not only that," Kuwabara burst in. "It's Karasu who's back, and somehow I don't think he lost the obsessive personality while being buried in rubble for however long it was."

Koenma's eye twitched. "Wonderful. Just what I needed. If anyone else of that calibre shows up, notify me immediately. So where are the others?"

"We were split up," Yukina explained. "Karasu detonated a charge of some sort in the middle of our group."

"You look remarkably well for having had a bomb go off in your faces," Koenma pointed out.

"Oh, well, we ran away from it first. That helped," Kuwabara told him.

"A good idea, that," Koenma said approvingly. Botan and Jorge both looked greatly put-upon. "Well, it is," he objected.

"So what should we do now?" Kuwabara asked plaintively.

Koenma shrugged. "I don't know. Do you have any way to find the others?"

Both Kuwabara and Yukina shook their heads. "Urameshi has a cell phone, but it's not on," Kuwabara explained. "We were just talking about it when we were split up."

"Which may be why such a thing happened," Yukina said. "Isolate and kill."

Koenma looked distressed. "Well, we have to do something about all this."

"I wonder if we could get to the inside," Kuwabara said. "I mean, the undead people seem quite amiable when they're not being possessed by El Zorromancer."

"That's the problem, right there," Koenma pointed out. "No matter how nice your spy would be, they would be subject to possession at any time."

"Well, we could pretend to be dead," Kuwabara said. "He couldn't possess us, could we?"

Yukina's expression was one of unendingly patient tolerance. "It would be very easy to figure out that we were alive."

"We could go and ask very nicely how we would go about dying without massive pain or disfiguration," Kuwabara mused.

"He seemed polite enough in his letter," Yukina supported him. "He just might talk to us, especially if he wants you to die for his purposes."

"It wouldn't work for very long, you know," Koenma told them. "I do not wish you to die in order to get more information."

"We don't wish to die for information, either," Yukina said. "I'm very averse to dying."

"A worthy mentality," Botan said. "You know, you probably could go get that rather battered-looking stoner from the university and take him with you as a sort of...key. You know, proving that your intentions are good and you don't go around killing zombies."

Yukina made a small moue. "But if we do so and we are forced to defend ourselves, we do run the risk of...destroying him. And if we succeed, we should consider that he probably will not survive. None of them will. It may not be in our best interests to prolong our interaction with him, or any of them. It may force us to hesitate at the critical moment." The way she said this indicated that 'us' was her gentle way of indicating Kuwabara alone.

"But he'd be with us," Kuwabara said. "It's not like we're going to just stab him. I mean, the other stuff is unavoidable, but we'd have to do it."

Yukina still looked doubtful. "Could you? You've tried to avoid killing those who attack you before. It nearly cost you your life. I...I do not take such risks."

Koenma suddenly understood the coldness of ice maiden blood in a whole new way. It was one thing to see it in Hiei. It was another to see it in Yukina, who had the general demeanour of a person who wouldn't mow a lawn for fear that the grass might suffer, and thus was lucky to live in a field of glaciers. "It probably won't matter. It seems that all we can do to these undead are to immobilize them. They shut down if they can't move, it seems. Did the exorcism work?" he asked Botan.

"Do you even remember that stuff?" Kuwabara asked. "I mean, what with the head injury and all."

"I fixed that," Yukina said modestly. "You should remember just fine."

"Of course you fixed it," Botan agreed. "_Men._ Anyway, exorcism worked just fine on your stoner zombie. It would have worked on them all if they hadn't attacked me. You know, speaking of them attacking me, I need a change of clothes if someone's got one." She was currently wearing Kuwabara's outer shirt over her thoroughly ravaged clothes in order to preserve some modesty before her co-workers. This had become a necessity after Botan had slapped the fourth guard in a row for ogling.

Koenma and Jorge both looked her over. There was a moment where it seemed that Koenma was contemplating a change of shape. "I see," said Koenma.

Botan flushed. "It seems you certainly do," she replied tartly, one hand opening into prime slapping position.

Koenma hastily changed the topic. "So you have exorcism as a weapon. Yukina, you can perform that at will?"

"To a point," Yukina said slowly. "It's never been more than academic knowledge to me, nor has it been a strength of mine."

Tapping her fingers together, Botan suggested, "If it's exorcism and that kind of soul manipulation you really want, we should get Genkai. She must be busy with all the stuff that's going on, but we might be able to get her to go with you."

"She was taking in all the undead that came to her and trying to get down their plans for death in writing," Yukina said doubtfully. "Then she was going to exorcise them."

"Hm," said Koenma. "Ask her to go with you anyway. If she says no, get her to have you brush up on your exorcism techniques."

Yukina laughed. "There is no technique. I make the signs and sometimes it works. We'd be better off just going as quickly as possible. Besides, if we go there and take her away with us, we'll have Keiko and Shizuru with us too, and that would make the boys very angry."

"Oh dear," said Koenma morosely. "Nng," he added, thumping his head onto his desk. "This is very taxing."

"I think that's what this one is counting on," Jorge said in a stage whisper.

"Shut up, Jorge!" Koenma bellowed. "All right, that's settled. Don't worry about the exorcism. Now, about Karasu. Or, more specifically, about Kurama."

"I'm not going to like this, am I?" Kuwabara muttered.

"I don't want Kurama fighting him, provoking him, or otherwise getting Karasu to do anything but follow him around, _if_ that's what is happening," Koenma said.

"But – " said everyone else in the room at once. There was a moment of general confusion as they all then politely subsided in order that someone else would talk.

"I don't want Karasu blowing up half of the city to get at Kurama. I don't want Kurama uprooting the other half to get back at Karasu. I most emphatically do not want Kurama tearing around in his youko form. So if they can both just keep running circles around each other until this all blows over, that would be ideal. Ignore Karasu and focus on the necromancer," Koenma said, folding his hands in front of his face. The pose looked incredibly silly, being as he was in his toddler body.

Kuwabara looked incensed. "So you want Kurama to just let this guy follow him around."

"Which means that I need someone to convey this to Kurama," Koenma agreed. "Because I don't want Kurama getting angry. Bad things tend to happen after that. However, I am not giving any of you license to get angry at Karasu yourself. Bad things tend to happen when any of you get angry, for a first point. You will make Kurama even angrier as a second point, and in case you missed it the first few times, _I don't want that._"

"It's kind of late for that," Kuwabara commented. "I don't know about you, but I'm pissed."

"I'm not happy either," Koenma said desperately. "But I don't want you to get into a massive fight with an un-killable Karasu. Not you, not Kurama, not Yusuke, not Hiei. Not even you, Yukina. This is because your zombies are staying in the city, I presume to be closer to their necromancer. If you can get him out of the city then by all means be angry. But none of you are to do anything which may harm humans. Yusuke and yourself will be liable for your world's criminal prosecution. Yukina would probably get off lightly enough, but Kurama and Hiei...well..." Koenma made a slicing motion across his throat. "Not so easy."

"You're the ruler of the spirit world! Excuse it yourself," Kuwabara said angrily.

"I can't do that," Koenma told him. "I won't do that. One year of good behaviour doesn't excuse a criminally-minded demon taking a human life without any provocation. Even if it's those two, of whom I am rather fond. You will _not_ tell them I said that. I am the ruler and the decision ends with me, but there are so many who question my decisions about them already that it would cause a riot, and I'm not so firmly established in this office that I can do whatever I feel like. Kuwabara, Yukina, you need to do this for me. Each of you has a personal interest in making sure that you do this."

Yukina looked at the floor. "I would do this thing for you if it were possible. Koenma-sama, we did mention that we can't find any of them. Looking for them would waste precious time. Arguing with you will also waste this time which we need."

"I'll look!" Botan volunteered, putting up a hand. "I'm more mobile and I've got an aerial view to boot."

"You just spent a day and a half unconscious and buried in a cellar," Koenma said on a sigh. "And here you are, bouncing and ready to go. I envy you."

"I am not bouncing," Botan said with an impatient bounce.

"Your irony is noted," Koenma remarked dryly.

"Oh!" burst out Botan in displeasure. "You can be so horrible!"

Yukina diplomatically said, "We'll talk to everyone we can on our way, but I think it's imperative that we go straight back to the city and start searching out the necromancer. Even if we don't bring Weed, he can probably tell us where to go. And if he can't, of course you can," Yukina told Kuwabara kindly.

Kuwabara swelled with pride. "Of course."

Botan bustled towards the door. "I'll be changed in a jiffy and I'll take you back."

"I'm not riding on that thing again," Kuwabara said, eyeing the oar with great trepidation. "That one bump was nearly an international tragedy."

"Oh no," said Botan reassuringly. "I'll drop you off. But you really would have been more comfortable sidesaddle."

"Sidesaddle," said Kuwabara magnanimously, "is girly."

Koenma caught their eyes before they left with his own. Sometime during the oar discussion he had changed forms. "Stop them," he said. "I know Karasu will probably take lives. I'll be able to tell, once all this is over and done, who killed any humans initially, because of course they're walking. I don't want anyone else taking lives, either. And don't think the ferry girls, the guards, and of course I won't know. The way this place gossips, I'll learn around the same time that the hellfire demons do. Last. So it's not a hush-up option."

"I will go as best I can, I will persuade as best I can, and," Botan said sententiously, "I will collect as best I can."

When she, Yukina, and Kuwabara had gone, Jorge looked at the teenage-sized ruler of the underworld and commented, "That is a hell of a ferry girl."

Koenma groaned. "Don't mention hell. Just don't."

Jorge judged it wise to not continue.

Happily oblivious of Koenma's orders, Yusuke and Hiei were still trying to track down just where either Karasu or Kurama had gone. "You won't agree with me, but I really wish I had Kuwabara here," Yusuke complained.

Hiei looked obligingly baffled before darting in and out of a side street. "Nothing."

Yusuke continued as though there had been no interruption. "There would be none of this guesswork. He's got the psychic thing going on." Yusuke brooded over this lack for a minute, then remembered something. "_You_ have the psychic thing going on."

"Not exactly," Hiei objected. "I can't just see people at will. I get flashes sometimes, and I get general ideas if I concentrate."

"We could use a general idea," Yusuke pointed out. "Have you tried concentrating?"

Hiei looked at him with the expression that asked if he'd had his morning coffee yet. "Yes."

"And?"

"And it's in an area that looks like this," Hiei said. "Unfortunately for us, there seems to be a lot of choices."

"What, exactly, is 'it'?" Yusuke sought clarification.

"The one who detonated the bomb," Hiei said. "I looked when it went off."

"Look for Kurama," Yusuke ordered. "I'm worried. I can kind of feel that there's something wrong in the back of my head. It's like..." Fishing in a pocket, he produced and started unsuccessfully trying to flick his lighter on. "It feels like someone is doing this with his youki in the back of my head. It hasn't caught yet," he added as the lighter did so, "but I have a feeling that it won't make my headache any better if it does."

Hiei hooked a finger around the bandanna on his forehead. "If I were you, I'd have other worries. Kurama can take care of himself."

"So can Kuwabara and Yukina," Yusuke said tiredly, deciding that a cigarette would go well with the lighter and might also do something about the smell of the air. "But they don't have the happy bomber man chasing them around the back alleys of South Bugfuck, or wherever the hell we are by now. And I'd really like to have some words with the happy bomber man. And by 'words with' I mean 'a death grip on the neck of'. And you're not me, which is good because that would be incredibly disturbing and I refuse to think about it. It gives me funny squicky feelings."

"I see," said Hiei in the tone that actually meant 'This is a human thing, isn't it?', and swept off the bandanna.

"Do you practice that?" Yusuke asked, noting how elegant the manoeuvre was.

Hiei either ignored him or was off in a world of his – actually, his third eye's – own. Knowing Hiei, it was difficult to tell. "A building," he finally announced at length. "He's not happy."

"A building," said Yusuke dangerously, looking around at the multitudes of buildings. "Anything noticeable about this building?"

Hiei sighed. "Why do you think it took me so long to find Yukina? I get into people's heads. I see only what they know. I notice what Kurama does, and he's not noticing where he is all that well. If he's not paying attention to his surroundings, I can't do it for him."

"You know, about that third eye of yours," Yusuke said meditatively. "You can control people with it."

Hiei blinked. With his third eye exposed, it was a bizarre sight. "I haven't needed to do such a thing in...a long time. But yes, I did once have minions and slaves."

"Can you override El Zorromancer?"

Hiei seemed to give this some serious thought. "That's a very intriguing question. I've gotten better since I tried such a thing last time. I used to like hitting up drunks. They were easy to control. This could be a hell of a fight."

"Says he, looking really enthusiastic about it," Yusuke assessed correctly. "All right. Give it a try if he contacts us and starts to get annoying. It could scare him off."

Hiei looked pleased by this. "Anything else you wanted?"

Yusuke felt that Hiei had to be in a good mood now. "Unless you can get anything more out of Kurama as to where he is, no."

"We were talking about telepathy," Hiei mentioned. "I haven't done that in ages either, but again, it seems to be worth a try."

"Tell him to find a pay phone and call me," Yusuke said, beeping his phone on belatedly. "He'd better have calling cards or change in all that mysterious money."

"The calling cards are doubtful," Hiei said. "And it's not mysterious. Kurama is incredibly rich. _I_ don't know how much he's worth, but it's some undreamed-of number. He's done a lot of commissions, sold a lot of things, gambled some, cheated more, and is fairly fascinated by small shiny things like coins."

"Wow," said Yusuke. "I guess I should no longer feel bad about hitting him up for money on occasion and then not paying him back."

"No, but he might remind you of it the next time he finds you with money anyway," Hiei said. "Tell him to get over it. I do."

"Hm," said Yusuke disbelievingly. "Anyway, telepathy?"

"Give me a minute." Hiei's eyes slid off to the left, as though he was searching for something in his mind. Yusuke figured that he found it when his eyes went unfocused.

Kurama was currently rifling through the room he was in for any kind of clue as to just where he was. It looked like the unused back office to some business, with a thick layer of dust over everything and the door firmly if not securely locked. Kurama had left the door as it was for the time being and was searching the desk with brisk professionalism. So far he had found some incredibly pornographic magazines, an old hand-held Pac-Man game, a mirror with various decals on it, a good handful of spare change, two outdated condoms, one empty prescription bottle for flunitrazepam (here Kurama's eyebrows rose), some very questionable stains, a bottle of red nail polish, and some luridly orange knickers. "This," he said finally to the empty room, "reminds me very much of several establishments that I would rather forget I ever saw, visited, or worked for. I was young, but in retrospect I didn't need the money anywhere near that badly. Oh, God, I do talk to myself," he added, clapping one hand over his eyes. "I'm going mad, I am."

Coincidentally, it was about then that his world flipped over and went pain-shaped. A dull ache started at the base of his skull and ripped through his temples to his eyes. Kurama got the impression that someone was speaking to him, but it was lost in the sheer pain. _Oh,_ he thought hazily into the bright white mist that had deposited itself with the gentleness of crushed glass over his brain. _Telepathy. Ow. I know this power trail. I know that voice._

The person spoke again, more insistently. Kurama felt something in his eyes pop and let go of the desk he didn't even know he had been clutching. The floor banged him in the hands and knees a few seconds later. "Shut up," he finally got out. "Shut up, shut up, _shut up!" Dammit, Hiei, you're hurting me! Stop it! Just shut up!_

When Kurama's eyes finally focused, it was on the mirror that he had left propped against the desk leg where he'd found it. The pain had melted away, leaving only a tickle around the hypothalamus. "My eyes," he said to the mirror. "They're bleeding." Red streaks of blood were making their way from the inner corners down to his jaw. It looked freakishly like he was crying blood. "What...what was that about?" he asked, though he had a fairly good idea.

The tickle intensified, then vanished sharply.

"Hiei!" Yusuke said sharply, grabbing the fire demon's arm. When Hiei didn't immediately shake him off, Yusuke knew something was wrong. "Jesus Christ, Hiei, what did you _do?_"

Hiei blinked, very carefully, then looked at Yusuke. "His eyes were bleeding," he said quietly. "He thought it looked like he was crying blood. It _did_ look like he was crying blood. I am...more powerful than I thought."

"Karasu did that?" Yusuke demanded. "But you did tell him to call me, right?"

Hiei finally noticed that Yusuke had hold of his arm and yanked himself free. "No. I don't think he heard me."

Yusuke sighed impatiently. "Do you want to show me what happened? Can you do that? Because you are explaining very badly."

"No, I don't want to show you," said Hiei. "I overestimated the power I could allot into telepathy. It was apparently too painful for him to handle. I stopped trying to talk to him and the last thing I got was a reflection of him where his eyes were bleeding. I decided that maybe I shouldn't continue."

"We know one thing," Yusuke said after a pause. "El Zorromancer is going to have a hell of a time if he goes up against you for control of a zombie. About the eyes-bleeding thing," he added. "It's not bad. Capillaries can burst in the eyes if someone is under a lot of stress. It's not fatal or even that harmful, but it looks creepy as hell. He's probably fine."

"Where did you learn that?" Hiei asked.

Yusuke grinned. "Never argue with my late-night American TV. It helps me with my English. So you didn't really get a feel for where he was, though."

Hiei shook his head. "Somewhere really skanky that – " he said anyway, cutting himself off in surprise.

"So Kurama is noticing more," Yusuke interpreted. "I take from your silence that you don't want to share the rest of that."

"I didn't want to know it," Hiei said. "And I'd really rather not think about it. I've already got a headache."

"Really?" Yusuke asked. "What, you're that powerful?"

"No," Hiei said, his mouth curling wryly. "Kurama reacted that hard. I think I may have hurt him fairly badly. Usually he has a decent pain tolerance."

Yusuke reflected on his slender redheaded friend. Said friend had been stabbed, sliced, soul-sucked, flayed, stalked, mindfucked, and probably a few other things that he'd missed. Throughout most of this, he had managed to fulfil the maxim of 'takes a licking and keeps on ticking'. "If you're comparing him to the Energizer Bunny, I'd say 'decent' describes it pretty well."

Hiei looked utterly blank.

"It's the ads in between the American TV," Yusuke informed him. "Just as useful."

"Mm," said Hiei in the non-committal tone that indicated that he was totally lost.

"Is that your phone beeping?" Yusuke asked, glancing at his own in puzzlement. "Or is there one attached to some immobile body around here?"

Hiei scowled at the readout. Yusuke hoped for Mukuro's sake that Hiei's glares did not transmit through technology. "Demon zombies. Human zombies. Big party on the border and I'm expected to go back and set them all on fire."

"Argh," said Yusuke. "Thanks for ditching me."

Hiei raised an eyebrow. "Would you like to go, then?"

Yusuke gave it some serious thought before a very odd smile spread across his face. "Yes."

Hiei stared. "What?"

"You heard me," said Yusuke, still with that odd smile. "You find Kurama. You have a better shot at it anyway, since I have absolutely no intuition. I have _negative_ intuition."

"You are going to go tell Mukuro that you're going to help her in my place," Hiei said flatly.

Yusuke nodded. "Yes, I think so."

Hiei looked like he might just feel sorry for Mukuro if he knew how to do such a thing. "Tell her it wasn't my idea."

"Of course not," promised Yusuke. "Even if I did, somehow I don't think she'd believe me. You're on the sadistic side, but this is just going to be weird as fuck."

"You volunteered," Hiei said.

Yusuke looked noble. "It is in a greater cause. Before you ask, I will tell you this: if you don't know, I shan't tell you, and in addition you're completely oblivious."

For that, Hiei considered not giving him directions when asked. However, he'd had a bad enough day of being lost that he felt anything that might increase his own very depleted karma rations should be attempted. Besides, the quicker he directed Yusuke, the quicker Yusuke would leave. And while Yusuke was usually in the range of decent to excellent company when it came to surviving in hostile territory, Hiei wanted to give himself to think furiously without allowing Yusuke gloating material or money.

That bet Yusuke had been raving about had sounded highly suspicious, after all.

* * *

DER WIENERSCHLINGER. tommy lee recommends for chilluns.

No, really. I do the bulk of these at night, and I tend to finish them while watching Conan O'Brien. I need a life, yo.

My spellcheck insists on making it manoeuvre. IT CHANGES IT FOR ME. My apologies, anyone raised outside of England...or raised in England who think I'm a shamelessly copying American tart.

I spent a lot of time in front of my graphic novel/DVD bookshelf, paging through Shounen Jump back issues and looking at all of the chapters with Hiei and any even PASSING mentions of the Jagan. I weep for the lack. But it was a fun adventure. (the flying subtext-that-is-text! It overwhelms!)

Flunitrazepam is the really long and cool-looking name for Rohypnol.

OMG NICK ON LATE LATE SHOW. I love late night tv. does happy CSI dance Okay. I'm a CSI-taping, late-night-tv-show watching geek. I AM SHAMELESS, SO SHUT UP AND ENJOY.


	8. in which there is a hotel

**chapter 08: in which there is a hotel**

Kurama swiped away the last of the blood on his face, checked the mirror one last time, and then headed for the door. His instincts screamed for him to keep on the run, but he knew that Karasu would be expecting that. He'd had the advantage of disappearing, and he wanted to keep that for as long as possible.

Reaching back to fish in his loops of hair, Kurama picked out two hairpins and unbent them. The key to this room had not turned up on the inside, which had not surprised him, but there were many other ways of egress. Unlike the others, he preferred to simply open the lock rather than kick the door down. This way, the door could still be used.

Five seconds later, the door swung open, leaving Kurama free to roam into the hallway. There were several other doors set into niches in the hall, but Kurama felt no obligation to investigate those rooms. The front hall was also empty, though it was the sort of empty that indicated that the business was closed until twilight rather than indefinitely.

The first thing Kurama hit on in the room was the phone. The line had not been severed, so Kurama thought for a minute, then tapped out a number, gingerly sitting on the desk.

"Your call is being redirected to an automatic voice mail system," said a tinny computer voice.

Kurama glared at the phone, then said, "Hi, Yusuke. Wherever you are, your signal isn't good. I hope you're alive and well. I'm alive and working on the 'well' part. Right now I am in..._ooh,_" Kurama interjected, picking up a personalized set of Post-its. "Mary Sue's House of Bishounen Love. They're not here right now, so I'm running up their phone bill and searching their establishment for something other than condoms and heavy sedatives." Kurama opened the bottom drawer of the desk with one toe, gazed inside, then nudged it shut. "Spiky sex toys and pink fluffy handcuffs are in full attendance, it seems. If you pick up this message and you're anywhere near Hiei, would you mind screaming 'what the hell were you thinking?' at him for me? Anyway, I'm not going anywhere just yet, but I'll try and call you again later. Bye now."

Kurama tried ten different numbers in an attempt to get Kuwabara's cell phone. After one too many confused people with Caller ID, Kurama decided that this might not be his first priority after all and instead turned to the front desk for entertainment.

Fifteen minutes of expert searching later, Kurama was sitting cross-legged on the desk again, paging through the appointment book and writing amusing haikus in the margins when he felt it necessary. He was counting the syllables in 'chlamydia' when a figure standing outside the tinted glass door made him look up.

Some vague sense of mischief made him lean over the desk and flip the switch to turn the neon lights over the door on. The figure jumped, but the motion was so carefully controlled that it wouldn't have been noticeable if Kurama hadn't known exactly what to look for. Kurama's eyes narrowed as he uncoiled himself from the desk and started unlocking the door. "What," he said when he flung the door open, "are you _doing_ here?"

"That's the question that I really wanted to ask you," Hiei said, still staring up at the neon sign. "I think my question has more merit. I'm here because Yusuke and I were looking for you. He went to the border and I came here. I think he has a masochistic streak."

"Well, if he did, he went to the wrong place. The fuzzy pink handcuffs and spiky sex toys are here," Kurama told him. "Oh, yes, there was one more thing. _What the hell were you thinking!"_

"You're talking about my latest attempt at telepathy?" Hiei asked with maddening serenity.

"Yes," said Kurama. "I've had a lot of injuries in my very long life. But I've never had someone telepathically make my eyes start bleeding before."

"I'm just full of surprises," Hiei said tonelessly.

Kurama smiled, slightly unwillingly. "Yes, I suppose you are. You haven't practised that telepathy trick since I did that job for you, have you?"

"And a lousy job it was," Hiei assented.

"It most certainly was not," Kurama said, stepping back from the door and letting Hiei in. "It took Koenma two weeks to twig that I'd nicked his prizes. And Enma never even guessed. He just left, which is a damn sight more than you could have gotten without me, so do stop complaining. You know, I don't think I ever told Koenma just how long ago the job was."

Hiei glared. "And then you just walked out on the deal."

"Of course," said Kurama lightly. "I wanted to, and you couldn't have stopped me."

"I could have," Hiei protested.

Kurama grinned beatifically at him. "Did you? No. But you wanted to. This is beside the point," he added, taking up residence on the desk again. "You said you were with Yusuke. Did he get my message?"

Hiei shook his head. "Not while I was with him."

"Damn," said Kurama. "Wait. You sent him to the border. Why did you do that?"

"He volunteered," Hiei said with a palms-up shrug. "Said something about it being in a greater cause and that I was totally oblivious if I didn't get it."

Kurama blinked. "I don't know what he's talking about either, but I'd like to hear about the fireworks between Mukuro and him when it's over."

"What is this place?" Hiei asked, scrutinizing but not daring to touch the walls and decorations.

"A very cheap brothel, it seems," Kurama said. "You missed me reminiscing about my youth. Or maybe you didn't, since you were in my head only a few minutes later."

Hiei looked like he wanted to be fascinated by anything but Kurama, but wouldn't be caught dead being fascinated by what else was visible to him in the room. "Something like that."

"It would probably be a good idea if we left before business opened for the night. Yusuke is accounted for, but Kuwabara and Yukina are still missing. I don't remember Kuwabara's cell phone number, and I highly doubt that you ever knew it to begin with. You know, there's something that's bothering me," Kurama concluded.

"What?" Hiei prompted.

"After you left Yusuke's house, I saw the news," Kurama said. "These zombies are confined to a fairly small area in both worlds. The hells are open, but the souls that have been released aren't sealing to bodies outside of a few areas. We're getting demons back from wherever they disposed of Dark Tournament losers and the border area that we know of. Humans are showing up undead in this prefecture only. I think that there's some kind of parameter or border that we haven't been told about yet. The thing is, if this necromancer wants to rule the three worlds, he'd need everyone to be the undead, not just a handful of humans and demons."

Hiei looked intrigued. "There is something to ask the necromancer the next time we talk to him. I'm inclined to think that he'll explain."

"Mm. Anyway, if we're leaving here, where do we go? I can't just wander around aimlessly. I don't have that option," Kurama added.

"If you want to find your attacker, it might work well," Hiei said.

Kurama didn't look up. "He already found me in the street out there," he explained, nodding towards the back. "Either he's waiting for me outside or he thinks I went somewhere else. If he was waiting, he probably left when you got here. He likes to talk to me when I'm alone."

"No wandering around aimlessly," Hiei translated. "Fine. Where to?"

Kurama rubbed his hands over his face. "Somewhere that has a phone and some way for me to try and scrub my skin off."

"As I do not spend much time in the human world, I wouldn't know of any places off the top of my head," Hiei said dryly. "Can you be more specific?"

"I don't want to go back to my house," Kurama explained. "Hotel, maybe. I have money. They have satellite TV if you play it right."

"Do I want to know why you'd like to scrub your skin off?" Hiei asked as Kurama got up and went for the door.

"No," said Kurama. "I don't think you do."

It was with some relief that they managed to find a hotel sort of place. There was a gaping hole where the front entrance and first floor should be which had been inexpertly boarded up. It looked frightfully precarious, especially with the long-haired young woman banging awkwardly at nails. As they watched, she swore in a most unladylike manner and pitched the hammer at the boards. Three boards broke and another bit of the first floor crumbled onto the young woman's head. This provoked a fresh round of curses, this time with some additional panic. Some of the relief died.

"What is this, the Leaning Hotel of Pisa?" Kurama asked rhetorically.

"The what?" Hiei inquired.

Kurama grinned. "Someday I am going to give you my textbooks, but for now, don't ask."

"Now he tells me."

"Well, at least it'll probably be relatively empty," Kurama mused, eyeing the young woman fumbling for her hammer in the wreckage.

"There's a point," said Hiei.

"The question is, empty of what?" Kurama continued. "The living or the dead?"

Whatever Hiei's response might have been was lost in the ratchet of a shotgun. "Hell," said Kurama, closing his eyes. "I hate being shot at."

"I know the pair of you aren't human," said the older man holding the shotgun. "So my apologies about this treatment, but you're dead anyway and we prefer to only have live people in this area."

"I wouldn't fire that," Kurama said, not opening his eyes. "I really wouldn't."

"They all say that," said the man, sighting.

Kurama threw his hands up and turned away. "Satisfy yourself."

If the man with the shotgun had been extremely perceptive, he would have caught the very brief glance exchanged between the two and the accompanying slight smile. "Again, I apologise for this treatment, but I've got guests and staff to think of, and don't you want to not be...decaying and such? Anyway, I hope this doesn't hurt."

The first shell disappeared three inches from the muzzle in a burst of black fire. The second one went up two seconds later. The shotgun-wielding man yelped and dropped his weapon when the metal and plastic began heating up. "Where on earth did you get that?" Kurama asked, turning back around and nudging the gun with a toe. "I don't believe these are legal in this area."

"They're not," the man said disgustedly, stooping to pick it up. "But after all your sort showed up, it became a necessity. Trust me. I've seen the movies."

"They're not our sort," Kurama pointed out. "We're very much alive."

"But you're _definitely_ not human," the man said, fumbling in a pocket for new shells.

Hiei sighed impatiently. "Were you looking somewhere else while your first attempts failed miserably? Don't even try or it'll be you on fire next time."

"I don't doubt it," said the man, looking ruefully at his gun. "But I still want you to leave."

Kurama silently dropped a roll of paper money at the man's feet, next to the gun.

"Never mind," said the man hastily. "Welcome, strange non-human creatures."

"Does it really show that badly?" Kurama asked. "You must have some kind of ability to detect it."

"I got some psychic training when I was younger," the man confided. "It shows on him, all over. I would have missed you if I didn't suspect you by association and look harder. You know, you didn't feel like the undead usually do, but I figured you might be a new kind," the man confided, carefully reaching down for the money. "Sorry. Hey, Junior!"

There was a stifled curse from the girl who had now regained her hammer. "Stop startling me, you make me drop things!"

"Sorry, but we got more people looking for a place to crash," the gunman told her plainly. "Forgive our lack of formality, but..._zombies._"

"Did you shoot at them?" Junior demanded, brandishing the hammer. "I told you to stop shooting at people! All right, fine, I'll go find a keycard!"

"Unfortunately, she's all the help I can find now," the gunman, who seemed to have taken on the role of the owner, mourned. "I mean, I've scraped some boy whose house burned down to clean the place and fix the vending machines in exchange for room and board, and I've got Junior to be charming at the front desk and do bigger repairs, and that's it."

"And you shoot the zombies who try and come in the front door," Kurama completed. "Got it."

"What's left of the front door," the man acknowledged. "Their homes are getting burned and looted like the rest, or they've been dead so long they don't have homes, but I'm not going to be a halfway house for the undead. I'm going to have hell to get the smell out of the carpets anyway."

"No one notices it any more," Junior announced. "This place has smelled like death in an oven for ages, and zombies just barely made it worse. Do you people like heights? Third floor has empty rooms, and the windows are in really good shape, which means they're not broken."

"'Charming' doesn't mean painfully honest!" the owner yelled as Junior stuffed her hammer through her belt and stood. "'Charming' means flatter them and lie through your teeth, dammit! And smile more!"

Junior smiled obediently at the owner, then picked her way through the rubble of the front door with a "Come this way, please."

The owner sighed and started to reload his shotgun meaningfully.

Some time later in another dimension, Yusuke had braved a staring match which had ended in a wary "You'll do," from Mukuro, and was now loitering in place of the border guards, wishing for a zombie to take his mind off the unending boredom. He was about five minutes away from counting blades of grass when his phone rang. Not bothering to wonder about the mysterious reception (it was, after all, somewhere Mukuro frequented), he grabbed at it. "Hello?"

"Have you checked your messages yet?" Kurama asked.

"Thank you. Thank you so much," Yusuke said in relief. "Yes, I checked my messages. Hey, I apologise for the telepathy-eyes-bleeding thing. It was pretty much my idea and I guess it sort of backfired on you."

"Mm," Kurama agreed. "It wasn't so very bad. It was mostly the shock factor that scared me. I was already feeling somewhat skittish, and having someone inside my head didn't help."

Yusuke marvelled at Kurama's aplomb. "And yet you're having this conversation with me as though there was absolutely nothing wrong at all whatsoever in the world. Is there a reason you decided to ransack a lower-class brothel?"

"It was there," Kurama said. "Yusuke, where are you right now?"

"Standing around on the border, waiting for zombies to show up. I can't say I blame Hiei for skiving off, even though he sort of didn't." Yusuke looked around hopefully in case a zombie had shown up, almost automatically.

"Yes, about that." Kurama's voice had gotten quieter. "Yusuke, I want you to come back here."

"Why?" Yusuke asked sharply. "What have you gotten into?"

Kurama took a slow breath. "Yusuke, you may have figured out that Karasu fixated on me before the fight, and that I was aware of this. He likes to find me when I'm alone. I prefer this, of course, but now it has gotten to the point where I..." Kurama seemed to find this tack dissatisfying and changed his approach. "This isn't the tournament, as you noticed. He can play with me as much as he wants here, and if I spent all my time in the company of humans, he would probably carpet bomb wherever I was, just to draw me out. If I spend my time with someone he qualifies as a threat, he's more likely to wait, grow impatient, and make a mistake. He knows that you and the others are not only a danger to him, but...well, you've never reacted well when someone like me is being harassed. At least, not well if you're the harasser."

"I'm missing what you're getting at, here," Yusuke said, though he had a fairly good idea anyway. "Keep going."

"I want you to come back here," Kurama enunciated. "I want Karasu to get frustrated. Your presence will dissuade him from coming near me, which seems to be his aim. I want him to make a mistake."

"You know, I told Hiei to find you," Yusuke said mildly. "That would be why I'm here."

"He's here," Kurama said evasively. "I'm not sure for how much longer."

Yusuke said merely, "Ah," and waited. The problem with this theory was that Kurama seemed quite content to not say anything at all. After a minute of dead air, he finally sighed and said, "All right. Karasu is scaring the shit out of you and you want someone else around to give you time to think."

"Yes," Kurama answered.

"And under no circumstances do you want to have this conversation with Hiei."

"...yes."

"If I were you, I wouldn't look forward to having the conversation that will occur if you let him walk out and Karasu gets at you. This, of course, is assuming you survive to have the conversation. If you don't, then I have the conversation, from which I doubt I will walk unscathed. Let's not even talk about how Kuwabara will react when he finds that he too has been totally left out of the loop."

Kurama suggested gently, "You could just come here and avoid the whole thing."

"You don't know where Karasu is and I don't know where you are," Yusuke said brutally. "And there's no way that you could give me directions."

"This is true," Kurama acknowledged.

Yusuke sensed triumph. "Look, I'm pretty sure he won't just vanish on you anyway, but yell at him if he tries. He'll probably listen to you."

"You're probably right," Kurama told him resignedly. "Yusuke, this wouldn't by any chance have to do with this bet you were raving about last night, would it?"

"Oh look, a zombie! Hey, I have to go now," Yusuke lied wildly.

"You're a horrible liar," Kurama said, but Yusuke had already hung up.

"I really want to know the exact terms of that bet," Hiei said from the doorway.

Kurama managed not to show that he was startled. Barely. "I would, too."

"Yusuke talks loudly," Hiei added, distractedly running a hand through his hair, which was now wet and flopping in interestingly gravity-defying directions. The zombie ichor had been cleaned from his skin as well.

Kurama gave up on hiding his astonishment. "So you heard that." When Hiei nodded, he pressed, "All of it?"

"Yusuke was right," Hiei told him. "You really would not have liked the conversation that would have occurred if you'd cut me out of this."

"It wouldn't have been cutting you out of it so much as not interfering with your plans," Kurama hedged, going to the window and looking at the darkening sky. "This morning was a very long time ago," he added quietly, resting his forehead on the glass and closing his eyes. "I always forget how these days feel. I think it's a sort of internal self-defence mechanism."

Hiei realized that the subject had been very neatly changed and, out of respect for the sheer artistry of it, let it go. "Possibly."

There was a resounding crash from three stories down, followed by a veritable river of curses that could be dimly heard through the window. "I really should be worried that this place is going to fall down in the night," Kurama reflected. "But somehow, I just can't seem to feel any real concern."

"We've had worse," Hiei said dismissively.

Kurama smiled slightly when the curses outside subsided into unenthusiastic hammer strikes, then grinned outright when the hammer strikes gave way to a dull thunk and more swearing, this time in pain. "I suppose so. Listen, I give even Karasu a day to start getting annoyed, but do you want to sleep in turns? Are you even that paranoid about the human world? I don't expect zombies to come in here on a raid, but stranger things have happened so far."

"You sleep; I'll think about it," Hiei said dismissively.

"The last time you slept was, I think, four days ago," Kurama pointed out.

"And?"

"And we have a megalomaniac necromancer, an undead Quest-Class demon, and probably all sorts of other irritated undead people after you, me, or both of us," Kurama reminded him. "Sleep would be something of a good idea, even though you pretend you never do. This place has really bad coffee anyway."

The last point seemed to do more to convince Hiei than anything else. "I said I'll think about it."

"Be an active and involved thinker, then," Kurama told him, carefully turning and sliding to the floor. "If you don't and thus feel the need to steal coffee worth drinking, steal me some too."

Some hours later, Kurama woke up, biting back a scream. He knew that someone was sitting next to him and probably had woken him up, but he didn't pay very much attention. Instead, he felt his way from the darkened room without a word. When he returned, his skin had taken on the grey-green cast of someone who is more or less out of things to throw up but whose body keeps giving it a try anyway.

"I thought you'd stopped having those dreams," Hiei said. His eyes were glowing oddly.

"I had," Kurama agreed. "But one can understand why they'd start again. Was I screaming?"

Hiei nodded. "Not for very long."

"Not in this consciousness, perhaps," Kurama admitted. "I dream of things that I should not even be able to imagine, and I wonder if it's his influence or my own. I have seen enough horrors that the things in my mind now are only a step farther. So I wonder if these things that I dream...I wonder if they are things he would do to me, or if they are things that I am capable of doing, should I want to."

Hiei stood up easily and joined Kurama over by the window. "I wouldn't know."

"Mm. Do you mind telling me how you knew I'd stopped having those dreams?"

"They're noticeable," Hiei said, feeling vaguely as though he were admitting something that he'd rather not talk about.

"I suppose I don't know if I'd stopped," Kurama continued meditatively. "I could just have been pausing until something brought it all back for me."

"Such as Karasu himself," Hiei pointed out.

"True." Kurama rubbed at his eyes. "That knocks sleeping right out of potential activities for now, that does," he added ruefully. "Damn. Have you slept?"

"Yes," Hiei said. "Some. Tell me," he began, knowing that the question he was aiming for might not be well received. When Kurama looked at him inquisitively, he continued, "What is it like?"

Kurama didn't dodge the question at all. "The physical pain is quite great. The fear is so bad I forget what it's like to feel any other way. I always prefer it to be real, because then I can try to kill him again. When I dream, I don't have that option. And he never, ever deliberately does any harm to my face."

"I see," said Hiei, and he was pretty sure that he did.

A few minutes of silence later, Kurama said thoughtfully, "Yusuke should have cut me in."

"What?"

"That bet he keeps going on about lately," Kurama mused. "I have a feeling that it's something of a long-running one."

"Yes," said Hiei with some relief at the change of subject. "What _is_ it, anyway?"

"Probably some kind of bet on whether or not we're having it off," Kurama continued. "If so, you confused Yusuke no end last night, which would be why he keeps pushing it."

Hiei again felt that vague feeling of going into mental territory which he'd rather not be in. "And why does he feel the need to do such a thing?"

Kurama looked blank. "I don't know. Maybe he really needs the money."

"It's not like he's going to get it," Hiei pointed out. "Is he?"

Instead of answering him, Kurama leaned over and kissed him instead. It took two seconds for what had been on the relatively friendly side to turn into something much more involved, hungrier, and with two very definite participants.

After five seconds, Kurama pulled away and said quietly, "I'm sorry, but you asked for it."

"Yes," Hiei realized. "I rather did."

The silence that descended was not in any way uncomfortable, but instead that of two people who are simply tired. When Kurama fell back asleep, Hiei didn't feel the need to wake him or to go elsewhere.

* * *

**Review me. Love me.**

**Nyte Kit:** Ah, subtext. How you crash down on my head and box my ears.

**Bluespark:** That's Julian's job.

**KyoHana:** First angst/comedy, now horror/comedy. I NEED TO NOT BE SO AMUSING.

**A lilmatchgirl:** He's back now. Promise.

**Capella Alpha Aurigae:** It just sort of popped up in my skull, replacing my previous convoluted plan. And I said "WTF" muchly, and in my skull, Hiei and Yusuke and Mukuro all said "WTF" with me.

**Oya:** Chapter three, I believe it was. You won't get the terms until much later.


	9. in which there is gunfire

**chapter 09: in which there is gunfire**

"Oo klld?"

El Zorromancer took his glasses off and looked up with a slow, urbane smile. "Good morning."

Karasu wordlessly removed his mask, opened his mouth, then quickly put the mask back on. The youki which had flared up subsided gently.

"I see." To do El Zorromancer credit, he barely flinched. "Julian, add a tongue restoration to Karasu's chart."

"Yes, sir," Julian agreed, making a quick note with his pen. "Sir, you made a note about finding a metalsmith demon for this one. Shall I call him for you?"

"Yes, call him," El Zorromancer said, rising from his desk and crossing the room to Karasu. "My dear, sit if you like. This won't take long. May I take your mask?"

Karasu nodded and unhooked it. El Zorromancer winced at the swell of youki and passed the mask to Julian. "There is some kind of restraint built into this," Julian announced. "I will tell the smith." Picking up the phone, he dialled an extension and waited. "Hello, this is Julian West from El Zorromancer's office..."

"Lovely boy," El Zorromancer said as he began to work his magic on Karasu's body. "Secretary to some ambassador or other who took a bullet for his employer a few weeks back and didn't get shipped home because of some ridiculous political debate. I have a feeling that he's going to end up being the power behind my throne. Aren't you, Julian?"

Julian smiled without even pausing in his telephone conversation.

"Really invaluable," El Zorromancer concluded. "This will sting a bit. And...there you are."

Karasu's hair melted into black, blonde, then back to black. "An excellent job," he said slowly, standing and looking at his hands. "Really an excellent job."

"I try," El Zorromancer said modestly. "Julian, do I dare ask what you've done with the smith?"

"One moment, sir," said Julian, touching a button on the underside of his desk. "Enter," he ordered as a door slid open in the back.

A middle-aged man who reeked of flimsy respectability lumbered in. He would have looked greasy but harmless if it weren't for the fact that instead of hands he had palmfuls of needle-thin strands of metal waving from each wrist. "My, my," he said. "I could feel that out in the hall." He delicately took the mask from Julian and examined it, the metal tendrils soaking into the mask and straightening out the metal. "You just lose it when this thing is off, don't you?"

"Normally," Karasu said warily. "As for now...perhaps I have been decommissioned for long enough that I am weakened?"

"Don't worry about that," El Zorromancer soothed. "I am keeping you from turning this whole office into a smoking crater."

"You can do that?" Karasu asked sharply.

"I can," El Zorromancer said, "but I choose not to on most occasions. This is an exception; you are a hazard to not only myself but everyone in this building. Once you are off these grounds, you may do just as you please. I restrain you only as your mask did."

Karasu looked at him intently for another moment, then relaxed. "Very well."

"Here, hold still," said the smith, reaching out to affix the mask to Karasu's face. "There you are. It likes you."

"Thank you," said Karasu, feeling the mask with gentle fingers. "Your people do excellent jobs."

"I can choose from the best," El Zorromancer said carelessly, dismissing the smith with a wave. "My dear, what on earth happened to your tongue? Does this have anything to do with your pretty redhead?"

"He bit it out," Karasu reminisced. "I don't think he likes me very much."

"That seems doubtful," El Zorromancer agreed. "But bring him here, if you'd like when you're done. Death never has to be an end to something."

"I will consider it," Karasu said gravely. "I would...like to do such a thing."

"Mm," agreed El Zorromancer absently. "When you are ready, call and schedule an appointment."

Julian discreetly appeared at Karasu's side, proffering a business card. "Demon world, sir, and human world numbers," he indicated with a manicured fingernail. "We never close, but we do move back and forth."

"And when do you sleep?" Karasu asked, amused. "You know, your hair is in excellent condition," he added, fingering the secretary's blonde ponytail. "No split ends, no sign of being bleached. As an ambassador's secretary, you're not from around here?"

Julian seemed to not mind having his hair played with in the slightest. "No, sir, I'm not. But I think this is home for me now."

Karasu removed the tie from the secretary's hair and handed it to him, looking him over critically. "You look well either way, but I think this style ruffles all your professional instincts."

Julian looked flattered. "Thank you, sir."

Karasu left without another word, leaving a slightly bewildered Julian to gather his hair back up again. "That," said El Zorromancer, thumping his booted feet onto his desk, "is quite an extraordinary demon. I think he's taken a bit of a fancy to you, Julian. But don't worry," he added when Julian flushed discreetly. "I think I know the demon he's looking for, and that one will give him enough of a fight for now."

"It seems, sir," Julian said gently, "that he was merely relieved to be back in one piece. In such situations, people are known to celebrate."

El Zorromancer looked on calmly as Julian tried to get his hair back under control. "Have a comb," he finally offered kindly.

"Thank you, sir."

Karasu, oblivious of Julian's plight, walked back through the tastefully furnished waiting room and out the door. It occurred to him that he'd seen the tall boy with the strangely coiffed orange hair before, but he just couldn't figure out where. He dismissed it from his mind three steps from the door.

"That was Karasu," Kuwabara said, jerking a thumb at the receding figure. "Do you think he recognized us?"

"He doesn't know me," Yukina reassured him. "And if he did recognize you, I don't think he cared."

"He should care," Kuwabara indignantly proclaimed.

Weed slumped back farther in his chair. "Do you really want him to care? I wouldn't want him to care. He doesn't sound like he's right in the head."

"How long do you think we have to wait?" Kuwabara changed the subject.

Yukina shrugged gracefully. "I wouldn't know. Are you feeling cool enough?" she asked Weed. "I know you could have gone into their refrigerated room, but then we have no excuse to be here."

"We could think up some," Kuwabara suggested.

Weed grinned. "Yeah, but the ones you ran by me didn't seem like they'd go over too well."

"I reluctantly agree," Yukina sighed. "This place must have only opened a few days ago, but he seems to have really excellent business sense. I shouldn't mind if he opened a sort of undead company, but...well, we'll not discuss it here."

"A good idea," Weed agreed. "God, I'm jittery. I need caffeine."

"How many drugs are you addicted to?" Kuwabara asked, shocked. Weed started obediently tallying on his fingers. When he got to the other hand, Kuwabara waved for him to stop. "I didn't mean 'casual use', I meant 'well and truly addicted'."

"Oh, literally," Weed realized. "I like my cigarettes and I need my coffee. And my weed use is notorious, but I usually stop when I'm holding down a job or in the process of applying. I smoke regular cigarettes more then. The rest of the stuff is from parties."

"If you hadn't died, you'd be dying anyway," Kuwabara said in astonishment. "You probably bled chemicals."

"Nope," said Weed, testing the old cut on his forehead. "Blood."

The smart young woman who had taken Weed's name tripped over to them and murmured, "El Zorromancer will see you. Please, come this way."

"We'll wait," Kuwabara agreed before they could be asked.

The woman's eyes widened. "Oh, no. El Zorromancer asked for you as well. You intrigue him, sir and miss. He will be happy to answer any questions that you might have for him." It was only when she turned to lead them down the nearest corridor that they saw her tail.

"Yes, she's a demon," Yukina answered the two boys' frantically eyeballed question. "Her kind can shape-shift, but the tail remains. My compliments to your tailor," she added to the demon woman.

"We have the best here," was the imperturbable reply. She knocked twice on the door and said to the man opening it, "The young man here is a walk-in. El Zorromancer requested to see his companions as well."

The man nodded, which sent the demon woman on her way, tail waving gently. "Come in, please." He deftly ushered them in and retreated to his desk, picking up a ledger en route.

"Hello," said the slender, deeply tanned man at the desk. He was shirtless, with only a velvet ribbon around his neck and lengths of blue-black hair pooling on his shoulders. "I am El Zorromancer, and that frightfully capable young man over there with the ponytail is my indispensable secretary Julian West. You, my dear, will be seeing us again at least once, so it would be best that you knew us by name." It was obvious that he was talking to Weed alone. "Come, tell me how you died."

"I was in the fifteen-car pileup two days ago," Weed explained nervously. "Internal hemorrhaging, I think."

"So your organs will need some help," El Zorromancer concluded. "It will be done. I can clean up those bruises and scrapes for you as well. Such small things will heal, but larger things will require a return to see me."

Weed nodded. "I see."

Julian thumbed over to another page and wrote a small note, then nodded at El Zorromancer, who picked up his cue. "You won't have a long wait. You will know when to come back and where to go. Do not be worried if our office is in another place, as we are still getting into the swing of things."

This seemed to satisfy Weed. "All right," he said amicably.

El Zorromancer smiled slowly. It was a truly lovely smile. "You're the young man who allowed me to talk to that ferry girl," he said, cocking his head to one side. "I must thank you for that, and apologise for the confusion."

Weed returned the smile faintly. "No trouble, really."

"And now for you two," El Zorromancer added, folding his hands together and looking inquisitively at Kuwabara and Yukina. "An ice maiden and one of Koenma's fighters, both of you alive, here to see me? Curiosity? Business? Something of both?"

"Something of both," Kuwabara explained. "Koenma isn't very happy with you right now."

"No," said El Zorromancer. "I rather doubted he would be, but it was worth a shot. Tell him for me, Koenma's fighter, that he should look to the border in order to see what tends to happen when politeness fails for me."

Yukina's eyes narrowed. "What's going on at the border?"

"They're not very happy with me, either, but I utterly need to carry out my plans," El Zorromancer explained gently. "You may want to tell them that.

"Then we will relay your messages," Yukina agreed, inclining her head. "It has been a pleasure to meet you."

"My regards to your brother," El Zorromancer added carelessly. "I think you will be seeing him."

Julian inadvertently saved Yukina from what could have been a very uncomfortable moment by moving quietly to the door and opening it. "Thank you for coming, sirs and miss," he said.

Yukina watched the door close, waited two more seconds, then said, "We've got to find out what's happening on the border."

"You couldn't possibly have a brother, could you?" Kuwabara asked. "I thought ice maidens were all...women."

"We are," said Yukina serenely. "Do you think we should go to the border, or should we go back to Koenma's first? Or ought we to wait with you?" she added, looking at Weed anxiously.

"Find out your answers and then come back," Weed said. "I have about a day or so. Maybe a little less."

"How do you know?" Kuwabara asked. "He didn't give you a time."

Weed looked blank. "I suppose I know these things," he finally said. "I don't know how."

"Then we'd better hurry," Yukina said, sweeping back to a new topic. "Will you be back where we found you?"

"Yes," Weed answered. "I'll wait for you."

"The border first, then?" Yukina wondered. When Kuwabara nodded, they watched Weed amble away down the street with a wave, then turned and hurried in the other direction. She didn't notice Kuwabara's running commentary on his speed for once, as she was frantically racking her brain. _How could he know? How could he know when I don't even know? I mean, I know, but it's never been something official...How could he possibly know? And how could I possibly ask if it's gotten out if I don't even know who knows? And, worse, how can I convince Kuwabara that I've got to talk to Hiei by myself? At least if there are problems on the border, he should be there..._

Unfortunately for Yukina, this was nowhere near the case, due to Yusuke's machinations. Poor girl.

Around mid-morning, Botan landed shakily, dismounted, and walked up to the young woman who was inexpertly mortaring bits of concrete back onto a building. "Hi. I tracked two of my friends here," she said plainly. She had made passes over the city for hours in the night before she finally realized that Kurama and Hiei were both powerful enough that they could be sensed at a distance.

"Dark, gothic looking one and striking redhead? They're here," said the woman, waving her hammer at the building. "Hey, did you just drop out of the air on an oar?"

Botan rubbed her eyes and ignored the second question. "How did you guess it was them?"

"The old man who owns this place pegged them as not human," the woman said. "He tries to shoot all the zombies who come near, and they didn't like being shot at. You just flew down from the sky on an oar, so I figured that maybe all the weirdness was in some way related. Listen, you _did_ just fly over here, didn't you? I mean, I'm not hallucinating, am I?"

"Your back was turned," Botan said, confused.

The woman shoved her glasses up her nose, swinging the hammer. "You were reflected in my glasses. It's a good trick; I can see when the old man is about to deck me from behind."

Botan was forced to agree. "Hey, I've been on the road all night, so I need to get this little interview with my friends over with. Can you get them for me?"

"Yes, I can," the woman agreed, pushing the hammer into her belt. "Would you like me to pitch cement pieces at their window or should I be old-fashioned about it and call?"

"Try calling," Botan said. "I have some bad news for them."

The woman nodded. "Throwing rocks would definitely be the wrong approach. I understand perfectly. Come this way, miss."

There was the ratchet of a shotgun as they headed for the door. "Eeep," said Botan, putting her hands up.

"Easy, old man," said the woman, not bothering to turn around. "She's with the two from last night."

"She reeks of death," said the man. "If she isn't dead herself, she associates with it."

The woman fished in a pocket and withdrew a handful of bills. "Oh, gosh, I guess you're right. By the way, the cute redhead told me to give you this."

"I didn't see that," Botan murmured to the woman, putting her hands down.

"Of course not, miss," the woman murmured back. "Come right this way, miss."

"At least you're behaving," the older man grumbled, palming the money from the woman. "And Junior! Get the boy to come out here and work on the wall!"

"He _will_ go on like that," Junior told Botan. "I'm sorry about the near-shooting thing. He's paranoid. Rohan! Take this and go look busy outside!" she added, passing her hammer to a tall boy with a crew cut. "Go slowly or you'll be shot."

"I don't get paid enough for this," Rohan complained.

"You don't get paid at all!" Junior yelled after his retreating back. "Just like me! I'm sorry about that. Come back behind the desk, here, and help me look them up in the book. You'll know their names better than I will."

"Do you work here regularly?" Botan asked.

"It shows," Junior lamented. "No. Rohan offered to wash dishes for a place to stay, but the old man has better things for a strapping young lad for him to do. Like, say, make beds. I was in the process of applying for a job. I mostly tend bar in sleazy joints, so this is a step up for me. The old man's given me a job, no questions asked, because his staff ran like hell when the zombies came. The only problem is that my paycheck is two weeks away and some undead freak stole all my stuff. While I wait for the insurance to come in, I crash in one of the wrecked front rooms. Ah!" she concluded, her fingers having been busily combing through the desk's middle drawer. "We've got a lot of patrons, but they're all terrified of coming out of their rooms. They're mostly like Rohan and myself, but they have money. And they're all alive, or the old man gives them two to the chest. It's _just_ like the pictures. Here we are. These are the guests registered last night – oh shit. You didn't see those," Junior assured Botan, sliding the handful of coins neatly into the middle drawer.

"With their list of charges, I really shouldn't be worried about bribery," Botan said without thinking, then winced. "Oh, _blast. _You didn't hear that."

"You spoke, miss?" Junior asked anxiously. "Anyway, their entry is blank but I ticked off the room so that I wouldn't allot it to anyone else."

"Oo," said Botan speculatively. "I think another friend of mine may be winning money."

"I really couldn't comment, miss," said Junior implacably. When Botan stared, Junior grinned abashedly. "Sorry. I read a lot of English mysteries from the Great War era. They help me with guests, though. But really, I couldn't comment."

Botan flicked a fingernail against the room's extension. "Do I just dial that?"

"Here, I'll do it," Junior volunteered, picking up the phone. As she put the receiver to her ear, there were two shotgun blasts from outside. "Shit," Junior swore, handing the phone to Botan. "Rohan! Rohan, what's going on out there?"

Rohan tore in through part of the wall and skidded to a halt behind the desk. "He's reloading!"

"Rohan, what is he shooting at?" Junior demanded.

"There's this guy," Rohan panted. "He just kind of walked up, and the man took one look and fired. The guy just sort of jumped up and over while the old man was reloading. He wasn't even scratched! He saw me while he was in the air, and that's when I ran. They were the scariest damn eyes I've ever seen. And he thought the whole thing was funny! He was laughing from behind that weird mask thing. Laughing!"

Before either Junior or Botan could react, the whole building rocked with an explosion. "Oh God," said Junior. "We're being bombed! It's just like on television!"

"Don't go out there!" Botan snapped. Neither Junior nor Rohan listened, but both ran for the front hole in the building. Botan pressed her lips together in indecision, then tore after the two staff members. "Come back!"

"Oh my God," Junior breathed, reeling back from the hole. "Oh my God, he's dead."

Botan elbowed the pair of them aside to look at the carnage. The man with the shotgun looked like he had stepped on a land mine. "Get back inside," she said quietly through the hand she had clapped over her mouth. "Here's what you have to do. You need to go through the hotel and get everyone out. They'll have heard the explosion, so they'll probably come with you if you tell them the place is ready to blow. Take the cash, get the guests out, and then run like hell. You understand? Go! And try to avoid having anyone call the police!"

"The police didn't come when zombies destroyed the front of our hotel, they won't come now," Rohan told her as he emptied the cash drawer.

Botan made one final decision. "The message I have for my friends is a moot point now. If I go to give it to them, I could put both them and myself in danger. But we need to get people off their floor first."

"Third," Junior said. "Rohan, call second. We'll hit third."

"First floor's coming out to see what's going on," Rohan reported. "Get a move on, you two."

Botan and Junior fled.

Upstairs, Kurama finally tore himself away from the window that overlooked the front of the hotel. "I want you to leave right now," he said to Hiei.

"Didn't we already have a conversation about how you really wouldn't like this conversation?" Hiei asked, praying he hadn't sounded as idiotic as the words had seemed to him.

Kurama laughed hollowly. "He knows you're here. He couldn't miss you. Being dead must have made him impatient."

"Then make him angrier," Hiei reasoned. "Explosives won't work on me so very well, and I don't think he'll like that."

Kurama resisted the temptation to hit the glass, instead settling for turning and putting both palms on it. "He's _mine!_ Don't you _dare_ try and kill him! Do you value me so little, that you would do that to me? Do you understand? I wanted to buy time, not have Yusuke or you kill him for me!"

If Hiei said anything, Kurama didn't hear it, because Karasu was standing easily on the ledge outside the window, hands pressed on the glass as well. "Hello."

Kurama moved away from the glass with a measured step, grabbed the back of Hiei's shirt, and firmly shoved him out into the hallway. "Make him angry," Kurama breathed before he let go of Hiei, then stepped back into the room and slammed the door.

"Fuck," said Hiei blackly.

"This would be a bad time to tell you that Koenma-sama asked me to tell all of you to not attack Karasu...or engage him at all...or do anything but run like hell from him, unless you're in an area devoid of humans?" Botan volunteered timidly from behind him.

Hiei whirled. "Yes," he said evenly. "Yes, this is a very bad time to tell me such things."

Botan licked her lips. "I'm emptying the hotel of people."

"Ah," Hiei realized. "Legal loopholes to order, courtesy of the spirit world."

"It's what we do," Botan replied. "So what are _you_ going to do?"

Back in the room, Karasu had delicately sliced through the glass with razor-sharp fingernails and had thus let himself in by the time Kurama turned back around. "Do I make you feel that ashamed?" he asked, amused. "I feel so...flattered. You know, your hair is in better condition now. Do you find you have more time to spend on it in peacetime?"

Kurama gazed at the floor as fingers carefully picked out and examined the ends of his hair. "Such a thing is possible. Nnk!" he added as pain flared on one hand and wrist with a bang.

"I wouldn't move your hands or your feet," Karasu warned belatedly. "You might lose them."

"I've killed people with similar restrictions placed on me before," Kurama told him, eyes flicking to the green globes hovering around his limbs. "You should know that."

"I saw," Karasu agreed. "But I am curious...what will you do now? I cannot be killed by conventional means, but I can kill just as I always have. And tell me...what do you brew to take my mark off of your neck? The line is still there, but it doesn't bleed. You are skilled; most can only barely get my cuts to stop bleeding. You will only be scarred," he mused, feeling where the cut from their last meeting had been.

Kurama ignored the question. "Do you want to kill me now, then?"

"It's possible," Karasu mused. "You're being frightfully compliant...I find this suspicious."

"You should," Kurama agreed.

"You are waiting for something," Karasu continued. "But I have learned that you hide moves within moves, and will not trust that this is all. However, to bide my time, I shall keep myself busy." He started to carefully scratch small, careful lines on Kurama's neck in what felt like a random pattern.

"Amusing yourself?" Kurama asked, uncurling his fingers. He tried to bite back the gasp of pain when a bomb exploded against the skin and failed. Three more went off as he tried to keep from moving without much success.

Karasu smiled against his hair. "Very much so."

Kurama felt the blood dripping from his fingers to splash on the floor, but his attention was almost entirely directed to the smoke starting to curl up from under the door. One second later, the fire alarm went off in its full light-flashing, high-pitched beeping, sprinkler-filled glory.

Karasu jumped, digging a fingernail heavily into Kurama's throat. Kurama's eyes flickered as he sent a mental command to one of the plants wound into his hair. "An alarm," Karasu continued. "That's a new _ulk_."

Karasu's head fell heavily to the floor and rolled. "I told you that I've killed people without using my hands or my feet," Kurama spat, the free end of his rose whip curling around his neck delicately. "And I liked you better without a tongue."

"I should have been watching for that," Karasu agreed as Kurama flung himself through the bombs and staggered to the other side of the room, wrists and ankles bleeding profusely in addition to the blood trickling from his neck. "But now your hands and feet are quite useless anyway, and if you extend that whip from your hair again, I will blow it apart."

Kurama turned his wrists over gingerly and noted with relief that no major arteries or veins had been hit yet. "You have said I could not do things before, and it was that belief which killed you."

"My head has been severed from my shoulders," Karasu said pleasantly as his body stooped and picked his head up by the hair. "I am reminded again that you are treacherous to fight. But I too can be treacherous."

Kurama eyed the bomb that was forming in Karasu's hand. "Are you trying to provoke me into changing shape?"

"Can you even do that on your own, without your drugs?" Karasu retorted. His head was now being carefully balanced on his neck. "When I died, you said that Minamino Shuuichi was not yet up to the task of killing me. This will tell me if he is now," he declared, and threw the bomb.

Karasu stayed pressed against the door until the smoke cleared, then went to the now-broken window for a look around. When he was satisfied, he decided to walk down the long way. Opening the door, however, brought him straight into an inferno. "You don't mind fire, do you?" Hiei asked lazily from where he was leaning against the wall. "I don't."

Karasu looked up and down the hall, using his hands to turn his head. At the rate the fire was growing, the ceiling was due to cave in at any moment. The sprinklers were useless. "You're not immune to injuries from falling objects."

"But I don't mind them like most do," Hiei repeated. "Were you going somewhere?"

Karasu turned away, nearly dropping his head in the process. "You bore me," he announced, heading for the stairs. "There is no finesse in you."

Hiei considered the pain that Kurama might inflict on him for what he was about to say and discounted it in favour of the pleasure of scoring one over Karasu. "And yet, out of the two of us, I'm the one enjoying his...company." It was true, in a literal sort of way. How lucky for Hiei that there were so many gentle euphemisms available which could have other, more harmless meanings.

Karasu stopped, looked back deliberately, and said mildly, "And if I think you are lying?"

"Weren't you leaving?" Hiei asked. "General indecision doesn't translate into finesse, you know." He could feel Karasu collecting flammable materials from the air without even looking up. Hiei wasn't worried, since there were black flames creeping up from his right hand.

"This," said Karasu, looking at his hands where a barely-contained explosion was growing, "will kill you."

"Somehow your criticism regarding my finesse or lack thereof no longer moves me," Hiei informed him, feeling a second awareness come to life around his right arm. "I don't think that you paid attention to me at all in the Dark Tournament, but I don't mind. Somehow I just don't feel the need to tell you what I'm about to do." This was true, because Hiei didn't plan on mentioning that he wasn't aiming to kill. He was still having trouble processing this within his own mind.

"Stay dead," Karasu hissed and released the explosion. "What?" he added when black fire screamed back towards the bomb. "But you hadn't been able to control – "

A heartbeat later, there was a hotel no longer, but instead a lot of rubble spread out over the foundation and all the surrounding streets.

"Shitfuck," breathed Junior from where she, Rohan, Botan, and the guests huddled at the back of the parking lot. "I hope our insurance covers acts of zombie."

* * *

Dude. The hits for this are rivalling IoV's. Both of them recently jumped over 1k. I'm proud, except for the fact that the hits are sinking through the floor for this one. I need to reread my own stuff more. PIMP ME. (/shameless)

* * *

**KyoHana:** Never stop. Except when my bio teacher tells me to stop making my lab reports randomly amusing.

**Aithril the Elf-Maiden:** You may have to wait for a while to get more, though. Sorry. Real life happens to them, unfortunately.

**shadow priestess: **Yay! A convert!

**Capella Alpha Aurigae:** (K/H flees) I'm kidding. But it's really shy.

**kikira-chan:** 'In Which' is the best phrase. Ever.

**Kooriya Yui:** Half the humour comes from a total inability to take myself seriously. This is my eighties crack.

**Bluespark:** They were a bit busier then. They have downtime now. And you caught the reference! Cookies for you!

**Oya:** ...Apparently I'm starving everyone, because people seem sated with five seconds of snog. Hmm.

**Nyte Kit:** But Yusuke doesn't know it. Ah, loopholes...

**A lilmatchgirl:** Cities usually do when zombies come to town.

* * *

**I'm submitting college apps.**

**Please love me when they all reject me out of hand.**


	10. in which someone dies

**chapter 10: in which someone dies**

"Ow," Kurama whispered as he opened his eyes and found himself sprawled on the ground and buried in rubble. He shifted, then bit back a scream from the glass embedded in his skin. Chewing on his lower lip to keep from screaming again over the condition of his hands and feet, he instead managed to shoulder some of the rubble off and emerge into fresh air, if fresh air also happened to smell like the undead.

Looking around, he realized that he had fetched up against the next building over from the hotel on a carpet of glass and covered in pieces of cement. All things considered, it could have been worse. It had been a blast about equal to one levied at him in the Dark Tournament, and he was still walking around and thinking fairly clearly. He was bleeding heavily nevertheless, and there were probably a few bones broken, but he was alive, and that was the important part. At least, he _thought_ he was alive.

Kurama looked at his arms hastily. It looked like he had been skinned and blood was everywhere, but he couldn't tell if he was bleeding or if the blood was just running because he had only died a short while ago.

His fingers still worked, after a fashion, so he gingerly felt for the pulse on his neck. The blinding pain from his hands indicated that if the pulse was there, he would feel it. After a few terrifying seconds where he shifted his fingers around in search of the faint pressure, he finally located his pulse – it was racing – and slumped back against the building in relief. Relief quickly gave way to pain as Kurama's lacerated skin had glass pressed even more firmly into it. "Damn," Kurama muttered, stepping away from the building and swiping his hair from his face. "Oh my," he added, finally comprehending the full destruction that was before him. "What was in that bomb he threw at me?"

"It wasn't the bomb he threw at you," Botan said dryly from behind him. Kurama jumped and whirled to see her floating on her oar, looking only slightly dishevelled in contrast to the pieces of building littered around her. "I think he probably threw something at Hiei."

Kurama blinked. "I did tell him to make Karasu angry."

"He's good at making people angry," Botan agreed. "Anyway, whatever it was, the whole place went up in flames, lightning, and hellfire. I got everyone out, so no one was killed. Here, we need to talk, and you look like you could be patched up."

"I can fix it," Kurama replied, reaching for his hair stiffly and wincing.

"Yes, but you're going to need everything you have," Botan replied severely. "I won't."

Kurama brushed the nail marks on his neck with bleeding fingers. "Let me do these at least."

"If you insist," Botan said with a sigh. "I've never patched you up, have I?"

"It's never been necessary," Kurama told her.

"It is now," Botan told him, picking up one bloody hand and inspecting it. "So much for safety glass. Koenma-sama wanted me to tell you that...that this is exactly what he wanted to avoid. You know what lengths Karasu goes to, and we know what lengths you would go to in return. And I think we can take a wild guess at what the others would do if they were caught in the crossfire," she added with a quick glance at the remains of the hotel. "Unless you can somehow manage to get away from bystanders, especially human ones, Koenma-sama basically wants you to keep running in circles until the necromancer at the head of this is killed." Bits of glass showered to the ground from Kurama's skin as she spoke.

"That's understandable," Kurama said slowly, watching his skin expand and cover his fingers. "You're very good at this."

"And you're a mess," Botan replied tightly, obviously struggling to keep her attention equally split. "So you'll do as Koenma-sama asks? You'd be the first out of everyone I've spoken to who would take it quietly."

Kurama's eyes slid sideways to meet hers. "I have no argument with not involving other people. I don't have an argument with staying on the move. But if you tell me not to kill him in any way I can, I'm not even going to bother to argue with you."

"Good boy," Botan said. "I would do one of those manly smacks, but I think that might be a bad idea."

Kurama stared at her in what looked like growing concern. "Maybe you should just concentrate on one thing at a time," he finally suggested kindly.

Botan nodded and continued working in silence. "There. The rest is for you."

"I suppose that Minamino Shuuichi can handle such things after all," Kurama mused, flexing his fingers. "I warned him. I wonder if he thinks he killed me."

"That's the second part of the deal I'm supposed to present to you," Botan interrupted. "You should stay in this form."

"I can't promise you that," Kurama replied. "I can't promise anyone that. Not even myself. I've not gotten to that level of skill with it. You know I try, but you know that I sometimes...need to feel like myself again. And that the need I have is more powerful than my wanting to be able to assert myself in this body. I'm a demon, and I think you all forget that from time to time. I'm a demon, and every so often, _I want out._"

Botan looked at him suspiciously. "You scare me sometimes," she said truthfully.

"Sorry," said Kurama. He looked like he meant it. Sort of.

"Argh," Botan complained. "Just...be careful. You almost diedlast time. Don't you _dare_ get yourself killed now."

"I like staying alive," Kurama pointed out.

"Yes, but you aren't immune from doing stupid things. You just do them less often than the others," Botan reminded him.

Kurama brushed his hair out of his face again. "Yusuke really is rubbing off on me."

"You're still bleeding," Botan announced, pointing at his neck. "Weren't you going to fix that yourself?"

"Oh," Kurama realized, touching the wound and looking at the blood which came away on his fingers. "Yes, I was. Thank you."

"I'll leave you to it, then," Botan decided. "I would like to remind you not to get killed, however."

"It's not like it would stop me," Kurama pointed out, with a slow smile that made Botan's hair stand on end. "I did once say that I'd become whatever I had to in order to kill him."

Several blocks away, Karasu finished using duct tape to affix his head back in place for the time being, made a face, and headed warily for the nearest pay phone. Unfortunately for him, no one had as yet explained the monetary part of the pay phone to him.

"Unless you call collect, you need to pay."

Karasu carefully looked around for the person making the suggestion, then started when he realized who it was. They felt and sounded wrong to him, but the physical similarity was striking.

"How much?" he asked.

"Here." The speaker approached and dropped three coins into his palm. "I can spare it."

"How kind," said Karasu. "Thank you."

The speaker shrugged. "Later. Ah!" he added as Karasu grabbed his hair. "Okay, man, let me go right now!"

"Bleached and dyed," Karasu realized, sifting the young man's long red hair through his fingers. "But well kept nonetheless."

The red-haired boy yanked free and glared at him with hostile green eyes. "The fetish stuff is always extra. Just because I stay around when weird shit happens does not mean I don't charge extra for the weird shit to come to me. And, no offence, mister, but you don't look like you've got a ton of money. And what's with the duct tape?"

"It keeps my head on," Karasu explained, smiling behind his mask. "The one who took it off was very precise. I didn't lose much of my hair."

The red-haired boy nodded with the expression of humouring a lunatic. "Sure, mister. Look, did you want anything more than a phone call? 'Cause if so, we're going to be talking in much higher figures."

Karasu looked the boy over. He couldn't have been more than seventeen, was rail-thin, and his hair was almost too red. "You'll do. You see, there's a message I want to give to someone," he began, "and you are precisely the person to help me."

"How far do you want me to go?" the boy asked wearily, picking at a thread on his vinyl shorts.

"I'll worry about the transportation," Karasu said.

The boy's eyes narrowed. "You will, will you? Hey!" he squeaked when Karasu's hands fastened on his throat. "Get off me before I cut you!"

"I could kill you from a distance," Karasu told him. "It would be painful and messy. I would like your features intact. But if you insist, I will sever the arteries in your arms and legs and let you bleed to death. What I am proposing for you now is quick."

"Fuck you!" said the red-haired boy, swiping a flick knife out of one boot and driving it into the side of Karasu's neck, straight through the duct tape.

"Ah," said Karasu, reaching up to pull the knife from his neck. "Not bad, for a human. I wasn't expecting you to do such a thing. If you have another weapon, however, rest assured that I will be expecting that."

The boy made a strangled noise and started thrashing around. "You're not alive! You're not human! Hey! Somebody help me! This guy's going to kill me! Hey!" There was a loud bang, followed by a scream. "Oh God, he shot me! He's killing me! God, isn't anyone listening to me? _Help me!_"

There was one more wordless scream, a crack, and then silence.

It was anything but quiet at the border. "Yusuke! What are you doing here?"

"Hi, Yukina. Kuwabara, too. It's gotten busy lately," Yusuke said tiredly, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. "Human zombies walking into the demon world, demon zombies walking into the human world, and half the border guards are zombified as well. If it's dead, I'm making sure it doesn't get back up, that's all."

"Yusuke," Yukina said with a small smile, "I'd like to talk to you about some exorcism techniques, if that's all right. You studied under Genkai, and..."

Kuwabara watched, perplexed, as Yukina managed to deftly draw Yusuke out of hearing. "What the hell?"

"No shit," said a voice next to him. Kuwabara turned and beheld a zombie. "What kind of mass murder happened here?"

"I'm not sure," Kuwabara realized, noting the zombies scattered around the area in a whole new way. "Damn."

"You see, my dear, this is what I send against those who will not treat with me," the zombie continued with El Zorromancer's voice. "These ones were just passing through. Soon, I will send an army. You have seen that I have the best of everything. I will send the best against the border, against the spirit world, and against anyone else who defies me. And you, my dear, you are one of the best."

Kuwabara beamed, then remembered who was praising him. "And who else is the best?"

"If I told you that, it wouldn't be as much fun," El Zorromancer reprimanded him gently. "Have you any more questions?"

Kuwabara extended his aura sword. "I know that this approach is frowned on, but I've found that in this line of work, it's easier to kill first and ask questions later." With that, he swung.

Yukina eyed her boyfriend warily as he did a victory dance, then insisted, "This must sound very awkward, but I need you to find an excuse for me to talk to Hiei by myself!"

Yusuke also looked at Kuwabara, assessed him to be otherwise occupied when another zombie showed up from the demon world side, then said, "Does this needed excuse have anything to do with the fact that you share genetic material?"

"Wh-what?" Yukina stammered. "Wait! You know! Who else knows? How do you know?"

Yusuke sighed. "When Koenma asked me to rescue you, Kuwabara was there. He only paid attention to the video long enough to fall in love with you and find out where you were. While he was gone, I found out that you were Hiei's sister. So Kuwabara, as you seem to have guessed, still has no idea. I respected Hiei's wishes to not tell anyone, even you. You seem to have figured it out, so the point is moot now. So I know, Hiei knows, and..." Yusuke grimaced in thought. "Kurama knows and takes his mocking of Hiei on the subject very seriously. Botan probably knows. Koenma obviously knows, too. Why?"

"The necromancer knows," Yukina said. "I don't think anyone told him, so he must have another way of finding such things out. If he can know something as secret as that, what else can he know?"

"Oh," said Yusuke. "Oh, I see. Oi, Kuwabara, it's dead already!"

"It was dead before I started!" Kuwabara yelled back. "Urameshi, the necromancer is doing this deliberately. He's sending a message."

Yukina nodded. "Yes, he's trying to tell you that he doesn't like it when people don't let him do what he wants."

"He plans on recruiting the best fighters from among the dead and using them as his personal army," Kuwabara warned. "He said I was one of 'the best' that he wanted."

"I feel so much better now," Yusuke said disgustedly. "Listen, I'm going to go argue with Mukuro." He paused and looked pleadingly at Yukina and Kuwabara.

"Come," said Yukina to Kuwabara. "He seems to need moral support."

Yusuke tried not to look relieved but failed miserably. "Werble."

There was a mutter from Kuwabara's direction that might have been interpreted as "No wonder Hiei stays here", but could also have been a hesitant "Oh look, zombie stargazers."

You decide.

Hiei was totally unaware of Yusuke's plight and was instead busily setting the last of his broken bones, the severed ends knitting together obediently once they were properly arranged.

"You." Hiei looked up sharply and beheld Karasu standing on the roof opposite of his own perch, a red-haired, slender figure sprawled limply at the other demon's feet. "You I have a message for."

"I interest you now?" Hiei asked, standing as well. His eyes fixed on the clothes the boy at Karasu's feet wore. "How fickle."

Karasu looked like he might be smiling from behind the mask. "I have the potential to be quite fixed on one thing," he said, picking up the body at his feet. The head lolled at an unnatural angle. "But you seem to be aware of this."

"I'd noticed," Hiei answered.

The body fell from Karasu's outstretched arms, bounced off an awning, then slipped the last meter and a half to the ground. "This is my message," Karasu explained. "Look at it to your heart's desire." He looked at the red-haired body with an elated glow in his eyes. "I do so like to kill beautiful things," he added softly before he flitted away.

Hiei warily watched him go, then dropped from the roof and looked at the corpse in the road. "It's refreshing to see a dead body that's actually dead for once," he muttered, looking at the broken neck and severed artery in the leg. The eyes were not yet glazed and the body still felt warm. "Shit," said Hiei when he noted the colour of the eyes in conjunction with the hair. "Shit!"

"There you are!" Kurama skidded to a halt behind Hiei, then froze.

"I did what you asked," Hiei said quietly, standing. "I think I may have done too well. This was a message for me."

Kurama took his own look at the open eyes. "He died too quickly. If his neck wasn't snapped first, he would have bled out. This won't have satisfied him. He'll have liked it, but it won't last. He'll be back. He may even be back for the body."

"If the body stays around," Hiei pointed out.

Kurama looked emptily at the corpse on the ground, then turned and walked back the way he'd come. When Hiei caught up with him, Kurama closed his eyes and asked, "I'm not going to like this, but what did you _do_?"

"No, probably not," Hiei agreed. "I told him something literal. He interpreted it...as I meant him to."

Kurama put one hand over his eyes. "No wonder that there was nothing left of that hotel. I said to make him angry, not bait him into a murderous rage!"

"I missed that fine distinction. Does this mean he has other reactions?" Hiei inquired.

Kurama smiled, opening his eyes again. "All right, you have me there. It worked, I'll admit, but what he's done has worked as well."

"You know him better than I do, obviously," Hiei started. "What exactly was the message?"

"He knows what you were doing," Kurama explained slowly. "You chose to anger him, so he chose to show you what form his anger takes. And he's probably casting a few aspersions on me while he's at it, considering the way the corpse was dressed."

"Ah." Hiei's eyes darkened. "What do you want to do now?"

"Same principle as last time," Kurama said, "but with fewer people around. And much less being shot at."

"How about with no people around? I hate people," Hiei retorted.

Kurama bit back a grin. "I can try."

Back in the street behind them, the corpse's hand twitched convulsively. The boy rolled over, moaned, then choked when his head rolled the wrong way.

"You're back," said an unwelcome voice. Cold hands straightened his head again. "I should have kept that roll of duct tape."

"Don't touch me!" the boy screamed, flailing. "Don't _touch_ me! You already tried to kill me!"

"I did kill you," Karasu said, picking the boy up and cradling his head carefully. "And now, at long last, I can make that phone call."

"Nn," the boy complained as his head turned awkwardly. "What...what are you?"

"I am a Quest Class demon," Karasu said. "An undead Quest Class demon. Ah, here is a phone." He put the boy down on a park bench and went to the pay phone, rolling the coins the boy had given him together in his fingers.

The red-haired boy eyed him as he put the change into the machine, then started to get up off the bench.

"Don't do that," said Karasu. There was a quiet explosion which knocked the boy against the back of the bench and sent pain flaring up in his abdomen. As the boy curled protectively around the injury, Karasu added, "Remember, I did kill you."

"I remember," the red-haired boy said through gritted teeth. "I remember."

Karasu nodded. "Good. Hello," he addressed the phone. "My name is Karasu, and I should like to make an appointment for myself and for someone else. What is your name?" he asked as an aside to the boy.

"Toshi," the red-haired boy said obediently.

"Toshi, he says," Karasu reported. "You will? Thank you. Good afternoon, Julian West. Yes, a double appointment." There was a pause. "No, it won't have been the name he was expecting. This is but a step for me. Yes. I thank you. Good day."

"What are you doing?" Toshi asked, not daring to move.

Karasu picked him back up. "Finishing something I started."

Several miles away, Kurama finished picking the lock on an empty house and opened the door. "No people, no demons, no fees, and no psychotic stalkers. Yet. I'm guessing that the owners took their things and fled, as the door was locked. Looters wouldn't care."

"You know, if this doesn't stop any time soon, the dead are probably going to start taking up where the living left off," Hiei mused, stepping away from the door so Kurama could re-lock it. "That more than anything else would serve to establish the necromancer as a power."

"Mm," Kurama said absently, rubbing his neck where he had healed the nail marks. "And if he can have the control of such demons as Karasu, he'll have more than enough in the way of physical force."

"Or if he has the control of us," Hiei continued with the line of thought. "That would not only break down Koenma's ability to strike back physically, but strengthen his own empire as well. We talked about that."

"It's a nasty thought," Kurama said. "But only one of many. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Hiei ignored the question, reaching out and turning Kurama's chin to look at the nail marks on his neck. "I'm guessing you didn't incur these as shrapnel scars."

"No," Kurama answered. "Why? What about them?"

"There is a word written here," Hiei said. "A word or...a name."

Kurama jerked out of Hiei's grip. "What?" he asked, his fingers rising to cover the marks.

"Ka...ra...su." Hiei spelled out, though he could no longer see the characters.

"Karasu wrote his name on me," Kurama said, sounding as though he were testing the words. "He wrote his _name_ on me."

"Yes."

Kurama nodded, then walked out of the room.

Hiei looked hopefully at the wall for guidance, and upon finding none, subsided into a wary sulk. He had never been comfortable with such scenes. They left him feeling perplexed and useless, both of which annoyed him greatly.

Apparently, there were a few downsides to being a heartless bastard.

Pity.

* * *

**Aithril the Elf-Maiden: **You actually don't have as long to wait as I thought. Sorry for scaring you.

**KyoHana:** What can I say? Hiei is fun.

**A lilmatchgirl:** Botan rocks. Honestly.

**Evene:** Now, if it were simple and clear-cut, it would be...um, the real thing.

**sukiminamino:** Cute name. My grammar and I are _tight._ (/stupidity)

**Oya:** Oh good.

**Crescent Venus:** Kuwabara, frankly, is the hardest one to write.

**shadow priestess:** Aww, thanks.

**Capella Alpha Aurigae:** I think Kurama is secretly fond of the disappearing trick. He does it rather a lot.

**Bluespark:** Someone has to do the paperwork.

**Nyte Kit:** It wasn't so much disappearing as...forced non-appearing.

**MikaSamu:** But are colleges smart? That is the question.

**Kooriya Yui:** They're a large bureaucracy. They have to be good at loopholes.

**RehdFawx:** It's already finished, but...um, I'll post on time. Or something. My school is sort of sucking my soul dry for the moment. We're having a rough patch.

* * *

**Peekaboo -- I see you -- leave Simon a review.**


	11. in which words are had

**chapter eleven: in which words are had**

"I'm going to borrow a line of Yusuke's," Kurama said from his perch on the attic window sill. "If this continues, I'm going to need alcohol."

Hiei's curiosity had finally overwhelmed his general awkwardness around people having serious issues, prompting him to seek out Kurama. "I wouldn't recommend that."

"Neither would I," Kurama pointed out. "But I'm getting frustrated. Someone who was just unlucky enough to look like me just died because of it."

"Actually," Hiei said mildly, "it was probably my fault."

Kurama almost smiled. "This is true. Nevertheless, I'm the catalyst."

"Take a lot on yourself, don't you?" Hiei inquired. "Of course you're the catalyst. And you've killed innocent people before in more direct ways. You don't feel guilty."

"But people expect me to feel guilty," Kurama explained slowly. "They expect me to be nice, and they expect me to feel pity."

"You do have a distressing inclination towards kindness to others," Hiei told him. "So that would be your own damn fault."

Kurama laughed. "So it would be. Thank you. I think I needed that."

Hiei felt greatly relieved. "Now what?"

"I'm thinking of standing around and letting him have at you," Kurama said gravely. "You've annoyed him. He'll probably want to kill you and then use your shattered corpse as part of his master plan."

"He needs to wait his turn," Hiei mused. "I've made a lot of people corpse-shatteringly angry."

Kurama twisted to look at Hiei. "Why does that not surprise me in the slightest?"

"You know me?" Hiei suggested.

Looking at the ground under the window, Kurama said softly, "I suppose that was the obvious answer."

Hiei fidgeted slightly, turning one question over in his mind a few times without ever figuring out just how to phrase it. Not only was it not the sort of question that he was accustomed to asking, but it was dangerous territory in general. And if he kept telling himself that the question was not why he was up here, it might all just go away.

Unfortunately for him, Kurama decided to live up to their previous subject by stating doubtfully, "You're here for a reason. Can I answer something for you?"

Hiei shifted again. "Yes," he said warily. "You told me to make him angry. I assumed that this meant at all costs. Was I...correct?"

"Ah," realized Kurama. "Lie outrageously to Karasu. Make up stories involving body glitter, feathers, and snakes if you so desire. I don't think you'll have much more in the way of opportunities to do so, but if you can, go ahead."

"I thank you for the mental image," Hiei said expressionlessly. "But I can tell him things that are true, and I think they do him worse damage. If I tell him such things...?"

"There isn't much," Kurama pointed out. "You could tell him that I willingly worked for you once. That won't make him happy, and the subtext is practically text if you say it right."

It occurred to Hiei that perhaps Kurama wasn't going to be much of a help in articulating what he wanted to know. "That still falls into the category of lying outrageously."

"Nothing is perfect," Kurama said with a shrug. "Though I'm close."

"I can tell him true things," Hiei insisted.

Kurama shrugged. "He wants a claim on me. He wants things that I wouldn't willingly give, things that he must force on me, take from me, or coerce me into giving. I could list them for you, but it's nothing you have. You made him angry because you startled him. He and I are similar in that we assess things beforehand and hate it when something fundamental changes. But he'll accept it and he knows that you're going to try and use the same thing to provoke him further. You do tend to be slightly predictable."

"If something works, why not use it again?" Hiei wondered.

"Sometimes you have no finesse," Kurama complained.

Hiei went very still. "Yes, I suppose you are alike. Did I mention that he said that to me just before he tried to blow my head off?"

"Ah," said Kurama. "I suppose I asked for that. In retrospect, I really should have seen that coming."

"Not necessarily," Hiei remarked. "I don't think I ever quite covered what he said to me. And, last I checked, I was the one with the precognition here."

Kurama allowed himself a smile. "Do what you would. I neither can nor will stop you."

"That sounds nice," Hiei told him, kicking the attic's trap door shut in order to walk over it. "An excellent turn of phrase."

Shrugging, Kurama said, "I can get more to the point, but it's just so dramatic already that I don't think I want to start going around making poignant declarations. I really would need alcohol if it got to that."

"You wouldn't be the only one," Hiei muttered.

"You wouldn't happen," Kurama began carefully, "to be trying to ask just where truth ends and lying begins as far as I am concerned, would you?"

"I was actually going for 'Should we demand that Yusuke cuts us into his bet?', but I suppose that I'd like you to answer that as well," Hiei explained.

Kurama pulled his legs under him and turned to face Hiei at long last, hair glowing around the edges in the light. "I could have never said anything," he finally announced. "Or done anything, or generally acted on this. But I have tentatively acted nevertheless. And I have no arguments...with shifting the line between truth and lie. Before I answer your second question, I would like to know why you are asking this thing."

Hiei reached the window and looked down into the street below where a zombie lay, a piece of metal driven through its skull. "Because the excuse presented itself, and I do not like to lie to myself when I do not have to."

"It complicates things," Kurama said. "Irrevocably, it complicates things."

"Because it was so very simple before," Hiei remarked dryly, startling a grin from Kurama. "Either we would stop communicating or this would happen. Friendship is not something I understand..."

"Or that I am comfortable with," Kurama finished. "So many people assume that I took on human social skills automatically. I did, after a fashion, but they are not the ones I should have. I can charm and lie and promise without promising. I can be my worst enemy's best friend without minding in the slightest."

"I've noticed that you talk to very few humans, though they all seem to like you," Hiei pointed out.

Kurama looked at Hiei sideways. "It's not hard to miss. I never know what to say to random people."

"And yet we're still talking," Hiei realized. "Why are we still talking?"

Tossing his hair from his face, Kurama told him, "Because it's your move."

"Ah," breathed Hiei slowly, picking up one of Kurama's hands and examining the nails. "You've managed to break them all," he said absently.

"Botan's healing skills apparently do not extend to a complimentary manicure," Kurama agreed patiently. "I believe that happened when I..._don't_ change the subject."

Hiei didn't bother to smile, even though he rather felt like it. There were other, more pressing things that could be done.

Kurama tasted overwhelmingly like his own blood, which outwardly tasted human but was demonic through and through. It screamed of injury to Hiei, who managed to say, "You were badly hurt, weren't you?"

"I've had worse," Kurama said breathlessly, kissing Hiei again with biting intensity.

"Am I hurting you?"

Kurama smiled, brilliant and exquisite. "I don't care what side effects there are, but don't...ah..." here he had to pause, as Hiei had just bitten him on the collarbone rather sharply, "...stop."

Hiei didn't bother to convey that the thought had never crossed his mind. He supposed that he could indicate it without much trouble, and he was distracted anyway by the oh so clever fingers picking apart cloth and trailing ragged nails over his skin.

They had both forgotten that they were in an open window, but the reality of that came racing back when Kurama nearly fell out, the sill splitting apart and wrapping around one wrist belatedly, as Hiei already had him by the collar. "You should be more careful," Hiei said quietly, doing nothing to pull Kurama back into the room.

"I caught myself," Kurama indicated his wood-bound wrist. As Hiei looked, the wood peeled itself away and folded itself back into the window sill.

"I got you first," said Hiei before their lips met again. They hit the floor inside the room without much preamble, scattering small items of clothing and weapons while their fingers worked.

And if Kurama noticed that Hiei bit over the nail marks on his neck, he said nothing about it.

But perhaps there were other, more captivating things to focus on, like the way frustration and fear and release tasted on skin, or the way Kurama's eyes glittered gold if one was close enough and the light was just right, or the way Hiei's hair could be ripped out of its gravity-defying style if fingers ran through it hard enough. They were all little things, but they had spent so long being the only ones to know the little things about each other that it was that much more powerful.

It was an educational experience, Hiei reflected. It had never occurred to him that there were so many things that could be done (or undone) with one's teeth alone, and it had been even less obvious that Kurama would be incredibly and inexplicably skilled at this.

"Hey," Kurama whispered, grinning rakishly. "Stop thinking about things that aren't me."

"When did you steal my role of 'selfish bastard'?" Hiei demanded, then caught his breath when Kurama ran his mouth over one hip bone.

"Better," Kurama decided, "but I _said_...stop thinking...about things that aren't _me_..." he added, slithering up Hiei's torso with forced pauses as he found other, too-brief things to do with teeth and tongue. "And don't just stop thinking, either," he continued when he hit Hiei's collarbone.

Hiei let his eyes drift closed. "I am," he finally said, wanting to wince at the words but somehow no longer caring. Kurama's skin on his felt like the strangest fire he'd ever dealt with; burning and sexy and addictive as hell.

"You are what?" Kurama's pupils were heavily dilated, leaving only a faint ring of green-gold visible in his eyes.

"Thinking about...you." He didn't lie when he didn't need to; despite ages of self-preservation that screamed to shut him up, he didn't _want_ to lie. And even if he had tried, Hiei doubted that he could have been convincing.

Kurama murmured something against his lips that might have been, "Tell me what you're thinking," but Hiei opened his mouth and forgot about everything but Kurama entirely.

On the demon plane, Karasu was blissfully unaware of all the potential psychological ammunition being assembled against him and was amusing himself by bombing all the demon mosquitoes that flew through the waiting room of El Zorromancer's demon world office.

"I'm cold," Toshi complained.

"Warm you up?" Karasu offered, waving a bomb under Toshi's nose.

"Go fuck yourself," Toshi retorted, rolling his head away carefully. "You seem like the sort of sick fuck who'd just love that."

Karasu smiled indulgently at the ceiling. "How frankly you speak." He reached out and flicked his fingers in front of Toshi's face. "I will have no qualms about blowing your mouth off if you offend me."

Toshi swallowed. "Okay, mister. You can calm down now." When Karasu took his hand away, Toshi decided to test matters by muttering, "You fucking deranged asshole."

Seconds later, Toshi landed hard on the other side of the room with very little left of his face and upper torso. "I wasn't that offended, actually," Karasu mused, "but your fighting will not be amusing unless you continue to do so in spite of injury."

There was a faint twitch of the hand from Toshi. It looked a bit like an Italian hand gesture, but it could just have been a spasmodic reaction from having copped a bomb to the head only a few seconds prior.

Another zombie folded a newspaper and put it back in his lap before licking one hand. A stray bit of Toshi's skin and blood had made it to the demon's skin, from where it was licked off. "Tastes cheap, used, and like gunpowder," the demon said critically to Karasu. "You sure you want that one? I can find you more suitable ones for a real good price."

"I like that one," Karasu said. "He's not a permanent fixture, but he has his uses...mostly as a warning. And as a way to bide my time."

The demon rattled his newspaper back in front of his face with a grunt as a young woman in a black designer suit with a sleek knot of neon green hair minced over to Karasu. "El Zorromancer will see you and your young charge now, sir. Would you like assistance with the pieces?" As she spoke, the scattered bits of Toshi were rising and collecting on the still-twitching boy's chest.

"Lovely," said Karasu, rising and picking up Toshi as well. "Thank you."

"My word," said El Zorromancer on beholding the pair. "You seem to be having a rough time. Julian, be a dear and unwind the duct tape for me, will you?" Julian wordlessly got up to obey. "You also seem to be missing some hair in the back."

"The vine wrapped around my neck and some of my hair and cut through all of them at once," Karasu explained as his head was removed and examined. "That is a very curious sensation, by the way."

"So I've been told," El Zorromancer said absently, placing Karasu's head back where it belonged. "There now," he finished, drawing his fingers around the gash. "Try your mobility."

Placing Toshi on a nearby settee, Karasu felt the absence of wound or scar carefully, then nodded. "Excellent work."

El Zorromancer bent his head in return before turning to work on Toshi. "My dear, you are a mess," he said to Toshi, fingers moving over the ravaged face and chest. "The broken neck seems to be your death wound."

"Nnk," said Toshi weakly as his mouth was fixed. "Glk."

"No, don't talk," El Zorromancer soothed him, brushing one hand over his hair. "He's terrified," he noted to Karasu.

Karasu's eyes crinkled in the expression that El Zorromancer was learning to read as a smile. "Of course he is."

"I see," said El Zorromancer thoughtfully as he started to work on Toshi's neck. "A bad break, this."

"No shit," said Toshi. "It hurt."

Karasu raised one eyebrow. "Would you have preferred to bleed to death? I would have preferred that, but you did keep struggling."

"Whatever you want," Toshi squeaked from the settee. "It's good."

"He is the most interesting combination of compliance and defiance that I have ever seen," Karasu said to the room at large. "Humans can be so fascinating."

"There you are," finished El Zorromancer, handing Toshi up from the settee. "I'm assuming that you will be staying with Karasu, then?"

Toshi looked around wildly. "Not if I can help it. Listen, I guess you see a lot of dead people, but he's...he's..."

El Zorromancer blinked at Toshi with opaque black eyes. "My dear, do you even know why a powerful demon like the one who killed you is even bothering to revive you after having his fun? It's not out of the goodness of his heart."

"I was supposed to carry a message," Toshi recalled. "But then I was dead."

"You carried it admirably," Karasu told him.

Toshi looked from El Zorromancer to Karasu warily. "My dead body was the message, wasn't it?"

"And still is," Karasu agreed. "You are still dead."

"What the hell message am I sending?" Toshi screeched.

El Zorromancer looked at the blonde head bent industriously over job applications from hopefuls. "Julian? Where did you put the information I had you pull on Koenma's band of demons, hellions, and other strange creatures?"

Julian nodded without looking up, then opened a small leather-bound book in order to begin thumbing through it. "Here, sir," he said, handing the open book to El Zorromancer. "I believe that this is the message you are looking for."

El Zorromancer held the book out to Toshi. "It's not the best picture, but it should do."

Toshi blinked at the slightly blurred picture, then snatched the book from El Zorromancer and ran a finger down a respectable list made in Julian's exquisite handwriting. "List of major demons defeated..._you._ I'm your fucking revenge toy, am I?" he demanded of Karasu, tossing the book at Julian, who fielded it expertly. "So you pick up the first person you can find with the same colour hair as this Kurama demon person and blow them half to hell!"

"You'd most likely be bounced right back out," El Zorromancer said, examining his nails. "I did take steps in that direction."

"Jesus shit," said Toshi in awe.

"So will you be my errand boy?" Karasu asked, putting deceptively gentle fingers under Toshi's chin.

Toshi swallowed. "You ask that question with only one answer in mind. Yes, I will show up at this person's doorstep, fling myself on their mercy, and beg and scream and cry until he hands himself over to you in order to be a punching bag, sex toy, and whatever the hell you do in your spare time. And if he says no, I'm banging him on the head and making him come with me. You're hurting me!"

Karasu pulled his nails out of Toshi's skin and tilted his head to one side. "One last small thing."

"You sink any fangs in me and I am so the hell out of here," Toshi warned, eyes wide.

"Where would you go?" Karasu asked. "This is the demon's world. You would not make it to the border, and without me you could not get through. It seems to be a war zone. And the demons that find you might just make me look kind."

"Nothing in the fucking universe would do that, mister demon man," spat Toshi. "Ow! Fuck _me_, what are you _doing?_"

El Zorromancer peered at Karasu's handiwork. "Signing his name, it seems."

"Ow!" wailed Toshi one last time when Karasu released him. He hunched one shoulder over the mark irritably. "I don't want to go around with someone's goddamn name on me. I can handle the password deal, fine. But none of this _name_ shit. Not permanently."

"You will heal," Karasu said, "but it will scar. My nail-marks tend to stay."

Julian quietly materialized at Toshi's elbow with a business card and a heavy strip of leather with a buckle. "Demon and human world numbers," Julian pointed out, "and if you would like a cover for your new scar, I believe that this might be acceptable for both parties."

Karasu eyed the strap as Toshi quickly buckled it over the scar. "I do find that acceptable. This is a truly unique and incredible creature you have here," he added to El Zorromancer. "We have been here longer than the usual time, so we will let you get on with business hours."

After the round of goodbyes accompanied by one last pleading look from Toshi, El Zorromancer slumped back into his chair and thumped his feet onto his desk. "Julian?"

"Sir?"

"Where were you keeping a handy leather collar?" El Zorromancer had to know.

Julian broke into a real smile that lit up his entire face. "I wished it," he said, flicking a forefinger and thumb together. The smile melted easily into a more businesslike expression as he opened up the appointment ledger. "There was a cancellation owing to the work of Urameshi Yusuke, so the next twenty minutes are yours."

El Zorromancer relaxed into his chair more easily. "Ah. Lovely." He closed his eyes with a sigh, then opened them and looked around the room again. "Julian?"

"Sir?"

"Smile again, would you?" El Zorromancer eyed the obedient smile, then got up, picked Julian out of his chair, and sat back down at his own desk with Julian in his lap. "You take a twenty-minute break too," he added to the back of Julian's neck.

Julian tilted his head back onto El Zorromancer's shoulder with another glowing smile. "Of course, sir."

On the other side of the border, Karasu looked back at the still-growing chaos with mild bemusement. "It really is a war zone. I shall have to find another place to cross."

"Okay," said Toshi warily. "We're no longer in weird-as-fuck la-la world. Now what?"

"Some just call it the demon world," Karasu said gently.

"So you all really are demons," Toshi said, rubbing his forehead. "God. You and that necromancer guy and the people in the waiting room and _everyone?_"

"I'm none too clear on what that Julian West is," Karasu said reflectively. "But the rest, yes. And the one you go to see is a demon as well, as you guessed."

Toshi made a face. "So where is he, anyway?"

Karasu smiled and made a tiny gesture in front of Toshi's face, causing the zombie to flinch away. "This is a tracking bomb," he said. "I will make it visible for you."

"Sounds good so far," Toshi said guardedly, watching the bomb materialize. "It won't blow up on me?"

Karasu's eyes glimmered. "No. I want it to reach him. It will not leave you behind. Now off you go. When you find him, take him to El Zorromancer's human world office. I will find you there."

The bomb headed sedately down the street. Toshi pushed his hair off his face with a two-handed motion, then chased it with one last terrified look at Karasu.

"I will know," Karasu called after him, "if you disobey me. And I will find you." Toshi shuddered and disappeared around the corner with a gleam of vinyl shorts and too-red hair.

Several miles away from Toshi, Hiei was sitting idly in the open window, scrolling through Kurama's music selection, having recovered the iPod from a corner. Kurama was asleep on the floor beneath the window.

Two girls, roughly ten years of age, turned onto the road that went below the window but turned and fled when they saw the zombie lying in the gutter.

"What was that?" Kurama asked sharply, sitting up.

Hiei sighed. "For the fifth time in about twenty minutes, nothing."

"Sorry," said Kurama, lying back down and closing his eyes. "I feel like someone's looking for me. It's making me jumpy."

Rolling his eyes, Hiei pointed out, "If I want you to be awake, I'll do something about it."

"I believe you." Kurama was asleep again in minutes. Thus, when Hiei's phone went off, Kurama made a strangled noise, felt for the offending object without ever appearing to actually wake up, and threw it hard at the nearest wall.

"I might have wanted to answer that," Hiei said mildly.

Kurama asked, "Did you?"

"No," replied Hiei. "Not really. Feel free to do that again if you wish."

Grinning into the floorboards, Kurama said solemnly, "I will."

Half an hour or so later, a boy with too-red hair dragged himself into the alley, panting. "You stupid...fucking...tracking bomb thing," he gasped, clinging to the nearest wall. "Slow the fuck _down!_"

The bomb beeped impatiently and headed farther down the street.

"Fuck no," said Toshi woefully. "Slow _down._" The bomb sped up anyway. "I am not getting paid enough to do this," he wailed, then hoofed it after the explosive.

Hiei watched him go, then reached down and yanked on a handful of red hair. "You'd better be thinking about getting up."

"I'm more than thinking now," Kurama answered, sitting up carefully and rubbing his head. "You keep that behaviour up and you're going to end up scalping me."

A terrific banging broke out from the door downstairs. "It's that dead body that Karasu gave me, only a little less inanimate. I think he just might want to talk to us," Hiei explained.

Kurama reached up and snagged an earbud from Hiei. "Yes, well, I'm not inclined to go and let him in. He can just find his way up here by himself. What playlist have you stumbled onto?"

Hiei passed the iPod down to Kurama. "I don't know; it's your music. Can I take this apart sometime? This is more efficient than anything else the demon world has ever produced."

"It's tricky to get it to play demon world music files, but not impossible. It takes a lot of swearing, screaming at the computer, and the occasional voodoo dance," Kurama said, "but it's yours if you want it after this whole chaotic mess is finished." He eyed the name of the playlist, then smiled. "This would be Yoshi's music that you've found. Hence the utter absurdity of it."

There was a faint, frustrated scream from the front door. Hiei bit back a smile and wondered, "How long until he realizes he could just break a window?"

"Hopefully a while," Kurama said, passing one hand over his eyes. "It would be nice to feel that I'm invariably better than the enemy for once."

"You didn't have to break the window," Hiei pointed out. "Wait. When did you relock the door?"

Kurama dangled a ring of keys in front of Hiei's eyes. "After I took the spare keys out of the mail box. I don't like unexpected company, though it seems to have shown up anyway."

Hiei swiped the keys from Kurama's hand idly. "Whatever happened to having turrets with convenient kettles of boiling oil?"

"The oil price got too high," Kurama said solemnly. "It's all over the news by now."

Hiei stared at Kurama for a long moment. "Shut up and listen to the music," he finally ordered.

Kurama grinned at him briefly, then started wheeling through albums with just the right amount of unconcern.

It occurred to Hiei yet again that one of the main problems with Kurama was that he was a shockingly good liar.

* * *

ARGH IT IS LIKE PULLING TEETH WITH YOU TWO.

okay. what the hell. i write 'sidewalk' and the computer magically changes it to 'pavement'. WHAT THE FUCK.

Yes, I threw Yoshi in there. If you don't get it, read IoV.

* * *

**Oya:** ...It wasn't supposed to. Kurama would have torn him apart in a fit of pique had he killed Karasu. Eheh.

**KyoHana:** Now that makes me snerk.

**Evene:** 100th reviewer! Yes, I hate them! Actually, my hands are all but destroyed. I simultaneously have a horror of wrecked hands (for they are useful) and know a lot about wrecked hands. So. Er.

**Nyte Kit:** Sucks to look like him, don't it?

**Capella Alpha Aurigae:** You called it; it's one character. I fixed it in the LJ version. Or I will. When I revise. It's fixed in future references.

**Aithril the Elf-Maiden:** Bit hard to scrub off nail marks.

**shadow priestess: **Violence is always the answer:)

**RehdFawx:** School is school is school.

**A lilmatchgirl:** I love Botan and Kurama interacting. They're hilarious together.

**Bluespark:** Oh, that rebel. It's like he was once a criminal! Er. Wait.

* * *

**I'm staring at your forehead like a cat does when it wants you to feed it.**


	12. in which kurama is offered a job

**chapter 12: in which kurama is offered a job**

Toshi hopped up and down on the steps in anger, swearing blindly with each bounce. "Fuck this gig!" he finally howled, slamming his hand into the side of the house. With a shattering noise, his hand went straight through to the other side. "Ow," Toshi said wonderingly, pulling his hand from the broken window and shaking the pieces of glass from his hand. "Safety glass. Lucky me," he muttered, then jumped back as the bomb which had been hovering to one side zoomed in through the gap in the window. "Fine, fine," he agreed, starting to carefully pull away the remaining window. Ten seconds of glass breaking later saw him tumbling into the front hall of an empty house and tracking the bomb up the stairs and through the upper portion of the house

"You know, it occurs to me," Kurama said softly, "that with the trap door closed, it will be very difficult to figure out that we're up here. Not to mention that we have no lights on and night has fallen."

"He has the option to turn lights on, however. Now would be the cue for one of us to fall over or make some kind of tell-tale noise," Hiei announced.

There was an expectant silence.

Kurama finally shifted. "He's making enough noise down there that I don't think he'd hear us up here if he tried. And if he does, we can both jump him anyway."

Hiei perked up at the mention of violence. "Not a bad idea."

A floor below them, the tracking bomb was getting impatient again. It made another irritated beep, darted in front of Toshi's eyes to get his attention, then went and hovered directly under the trap door in the ceiling.

"Oh," said Toshi weakly. "There."

The bomb beeped again self-importantly before detonating in a mild clump of smoke and sparks. Pursing his lips, Toshi hunted up a chair and pushed the trap door open.

"Hello there," said a voice brightly as his wrist was seized. "Why don't you come up here?"

"Ow!" Toshi wailed as he was dragged through the trap door and thumped onto the attic floor. "Do I have 'Injure me!' tattooed on me or something? Maybe I'm wearing a sign?"

"Maybe you just have a low pain tolerance. Did you want to talk to me?"

Toshi surveyed the two people standing in front of him. The speaker was taller, with tangled red hair and green eyes. "You, yes," he agreed, carefully getting up. "I didn't bargain for a second party in this. Someone want to turn the lights on?"

The second person looked unimpressed, but fire flared up in one palm to illuminate the room. "He thinks I'm that easily scared off? You're in better condition than when I saw you last."

"You!" Toshi realized. "The message was for you! You bastard, you got my fucking neck broken! What did I ever do to you?"

"You haven't done anything...yet. I, however, annoyed the one who sent you."

The one Toshi had pegged as Kurama smiled slightly. "So here you are, animate and well. What are you doing here?"

"Where did this come from?" the other person asked, putting a finger on Toshi's collar. Toshi tried to smack the offending hand away, but said offending hand gripped Toshi's smacking one in a vise-like grip instead. "I don't like being touched. Don't do that."

Toshi blinked as his hand was released. "Hey, which of you are asking the questions? And who are you, anyway? No one told me about another person! Or demon...firemaker...whatever you are."

"Fire demon, after a fashion," said Kurama, pointing at the second person. "Fox demon," he added, now pointing to himself. "I'm Kurama, which you probably know, and he's Hiei. And I was planning on asking all the really telling questions, but he raises a good point. You didn't have that on when you were dead in the traditional sense. Where did it come from?"

"The guy who put me back together has an inhumanly competent secretary," Toshi said, slowly unbuckling his collar and displaying the marks. "I wanted to cover it up."

Kurama looked at him expressionlessly. "Remember my question? Why are you here?"

"Karasu has a serious hard-on for you," Toshi explained. "I'm just the messenger. You know, if my hair still grows after I'm dead, he's going to be shit out of luck soon. Or if I wash my hair. Your hair isn't dyed, is it?"

Kurama ignored this question. "And what makes you think that I'd tamely go with you?"

"I'll kick your fucking ass if you don't?" Toshi suggested hopefully.

"I," said Kurama, "really, really doubt that. Tell him I said no."

Toshi flung his hands in the air. "I would, but I value my fucking life, despite the dead part. Tell him your own damn self. Look, I don't think you have a choice about this. He's going to blow you apart if you don't do what he says."

"I know him," Kurama said distantly, "and I know what happens when he is displeased. What were you going to do with me once you had me?"

"Bring you to this place," Toshi explained, brandishing the business card. "I'll take a winger that it was supposed to be unaccompanied."

"You say this like you're in control of the situation," Hiei noted.

Kurama had taken the card from Toshi and was studying it intently. "This is El Zorromancer's office. He has two, it seems. A demon world one and a human world one."

"You mean there was one here?" Toshi wailed. "I didn't have to go through World War fucking Five on that border place to get to his place and back again? Um. I said something important, didn't I?" he realized as Hiei and Kurama stared at each other.

"What did you do with my phone?" Hiei asked slowly, flicking the fire back into his hand lazily.

Kurama retrieved the offending object from a corner, turning it on as he did so. "You have sixteen voice mail messages and three text messages. All three of the latter are from Yusuke, and they say many abusive things about your parentage, elaborate on your taste in kinky sex, and that your hair sticks up funny."

"Give me that," Hiei ordered, snatching it from Kurama.

"I found the part about liquid latex particularly interesting," Kurama confided. "What's your name, anyway?" he added to Toshi.

Toshi's relief was palpable. "Toshi. You're coming with me?"

"Yes," said Kurama. He frowned slightly, then continued, "Looking at you is making me feel weird. You look like an incredibly slutty, unwashed, emaciated, fully-human me. I'm not really sure how to take this. Are you wearing contacts?"

Toshi glared. "It's a job. I'm not wearing contacts. It would be impossible anyway, since I've had my face blown off too many times. And I don't really like looking at you, either. You're a cuter, inhuman me with better cheekbones and more skin covered."

Hiei was starting to develop a slightly pained look that had nothing to do with listening to his voice mail. "And I thought your vanity was unrivalled."

"It is," Kurama said peaceably. "Apologise for Yusuke to me, would you? I don't think I'll be back any time soon," he continued to Hiei.

Even Toshi caught the unspoken "or maybe ever" in the careless words. "It's not like you'll stay dead," he volunteered. "Look at me."

Kurama fixed him with a truly stunning smile. "Oh, I never die. I'm very bad at it."

"If you say so," Toshi said doubtfully, stepping back towards the trap door. Unfortunately for him, he misjudged the location of the trap door and fell through the opening without preamble.

"Oh dear," said Kurama with no real concern in his voice. "Well, I suppose that I'm going now."

"Kill him if you see him," Hiei said absently.

Kurama's eyes glittered. "Now, what makes you think that I'd deliberately confront him after Koenma told me not to do any such thing?"

"Hey," Toshi said groggily from the floor below. "Didja see the elephant? There was an elephant an'it stepped on me."

"Bye then," Kurama said cheerily before dropping through the trap door after his guide.

"Weasels! Weasels are eating my brains! _Zombie weasels_!" Toshi bawled, then shrieked wordlessly. "Who just kicked me?" he added in a slightly saner tone.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there," Kurama told him earnestly.

Hiei, meanwhile, was staring at his now-ringing phone in trepidation. "What?" he finally asked suspiciously.

"You answered. You actually _answered_," Yusuke said in relief. "You definitely missed the show, though. Koenma finally put his foot down and told Mukuro to let the bloody zombies go wherever they wanted, since they were technically spirit world inhabitants and he had other uses for us, which were namely to go find the necromancer and kill him. Yukina and Kuwabara went back to look for some zombie or other in order to do some James Bond-esque deal and maybe catch some (_ahem_) sleep. I'm sitting on the human world side, more or less out of ideas. I'm also wondering just how you survive in this job."

"Because I like messing with people's heads and I'm good at being violent for no real reason," Hiei said. "It was this or politics."

"Most politicians aren't violent, you know," Yusuke said.

"Not the ones you know about," Hiei agreed. "Was there something you wanted specifically, or was this just to swear at me?"

"Well, I have nothing better to do," Yusuke said slowly, "so I'd like to know where you are in the hopes that I could join you. And there was something else, but I didn't think it was a good idea to include it in the middle of cursing your name blindly while I was under frantic attack by angry and/or possessed zombies."

"What was this something else?" Hiei asked.

Yusuke blew air out of his mouth in a rush. "I mentioned that Yukina and Kuwabara had been with me. Firstly, this crazy zombie swap was all because El Zorromancer was pissed off at Mukuro. The honours of this battle rest with him as well, which makes his point even better. The message he was sending, they say, was 'This is what happens if you fuck with me, mortals'."

"Ah," Hiei said. "One of _those_ messages."

"The other thing was that Yukina was pretty damn desperate to get in touch with you," Yusuke finished. "Our necromancer is aware that you're her brother, and it sounds like he tried throwing that fact at her to see how she'd react. She wants to know how the hell he found out. I'm also guessing she wanted to see if you were going to keep pretending that you're not related, but she's too polite to say something like that to me. Or, probably, to you."

"I don't know how he could know such a thing," Hiei answered, startled. "But he is raising the dead, and perhaps they talk to him."

"Oh, perfect," said Yusuke disgustedly. "Listen, tell me where you are, or at least where to find you. And hey, while you're at it, do you still have Kurama with you?"

"Up until a few minutes ago, yes," Hiei told him. "It's something of a complicated story."

"Where did he go?" Yusuke demanded.

"He took off with Karasu's messenger. He wanted to talk to the one behind this," Hiei explained.

There was a long moment of silence from Yusuke. "Where is he? The necromancer, I mean?"

"The zombies have business cards," Hiei told Yusuke, climbing out through the attic window and dropping to the ground. "It gives phone numbers and addresses. Kurama took it with him; I don't remember what it said. If you have corpses around you, however, you might be able to find one on them."

"Hang on a second and I'll look," Yusuke informed him brusquely. The subsequent noises indicated that Yusuke's phone had probably been put into a pocket. Hiei smiled slightly and turned his own phone off as he increased his speed.

Yusuke could just call him back.

Unaware of Hiei's move, Yusuke was picking through the zombie remnants scattered around him. So far he had found three business cards, but none of them looked at all right.

"Excuse me." Yusuke whirled around to behold a schoolgirl still in uniform, though her clothes were shredded and her face badly bruised. "Are you looking for the same place I am? Only I've already been attacked once and I don't want to go wandering into those woods by myself."

"What place are you looking for?" Yusuke asked, and was rewarded with yet another business card.

"I know where it is here," the girl said, touching her forehead. "Do you?"

Yusuke shifted his weight. "Can I keep this?" he asked, holding the business card aloft. The silvered words were pleasantly textured against his fingertips. "I'm sorry that I can't go with you. I've got to go meet a friend."

The girl snorted. "_Men_," she said with deep contempt, then stalked away into the woods with an irritated arse-wiggle that had Yusuke goggling after her even when she was gone.

"How many girls do you _want_?"

Yusuke swallowed the girly scream that rose in his throat and instead complained, "Stalking is not an acceptable substitute for being social, dammit."

"I'm not stalking you," Hiei said from the tree over Yusuke's head. "I couldn't have directed you to where I was, so I came to you instead. This isn't a social call. I don't make those."

Deciding not to argue the point, Yusuke instead proffered the business card when Hiei jumped down. "Here. This address is in the major business district, but I don't know about the other one."

Hiei studied the card as well. "It's not in your world. It's in mine. That makes absolutely no sense, though. If he has two offices, why is there all this border activity?"

Yusuke's eyes slid to one side as he recalled something. "The direction shifted depending on the time of day," he remembered. "During the day, humans would go to the demon world. Once it got dark, it started going the other way."

"So perhaps he's just making them come to him, wherever he is," Hiei speculated. "Does he ever close?"

"Well, the zombies never stopped coming," Yusuke said. "They slow down at night, but I'll guess that it's because people sleep, even if he doesn't." A thought occurred to him. "Wait a second. That girl that just went through here was looking for his office. In the wrong world."

"That girl was a succubus," Hiei said. "And very much alive. If you're in the business of devouring souls in the manner they use, the incredible number of sex-deprived undead men would be well-nigh irresistible. She'll probably come back later."

"Gah," said Yusuke. "Necrophilia. Soul-stealing. Argh. Ew. Yaugh."

Hiei watched Yusuke's reaction with deep fascination. "I think we should be going. You seem to know where the human world office is, and I'd like to go there."

"I would, too," Yusuke recovered enough to say. "Can we go before the creepy zombie-loving girl comes back?"

"Don't knock the zombie-loving girl," the succubus said indignantly, emerging from the woods. "I'm better than any exorcist, and more fun, too. And it's not like our paychecks aren't signed by the same person."

"Zombie sex," Yusuke spluttered.

Hiei glared at the succubus. "Now you broke him again. Go away."

"Hmph," said the succubus, shifting her weight to have one hip jutting out. "I suppose courtesy demands I acquiesce. But you would have been a nice change. You're so very _alive._ You would be tasty, little boy."

Yusuke made a funny werbling noise. "Thank...you...?"

The succubus turned on her heel with another arse-wiggle, this one more inviting. "Well, give me a shout if you don't make it out alive. I can promise to make your last hour on earth a hell of a ride...in all senses of the word."

Hiei bore the expression of someone who was about two hairs away from breaking into a suspicious coughing fit. "I can't say the same about your last hour on earth if you don't leave," he said anyway.

The succubus hmphed again. "Spoilsport."

Yusuke stared after the succubus as she disappeared into the woods again, then looked at Hiei pleadingly. "Tell me that a sex demon didn't just offer to shag me to death."

Hiei said expressionlessly, "I'm leaving. Were you going to come with me?"

"Keiko is going to kill me," Yusuke said miserably, then chased after Hiei. "Hey! I'm the one who knows where we're going!"

Two minutes of warp speed racing later, Yusuke slowed to a halt. "All right. Here's the city limit. We're going to pause here for a moment, because it occurs to me that you're not telling me something. What aren't you telling me?"

Hiei looked at the sky like it was the most fascinating thing he could find. "Karasu is the one who sent the message. Hence 'Karasu's messenger'. I wasn't sure you'd absorbed that, since Kurama went in order to speak with a different person."

"Oh," groaned Yusuke. "Fun. Did you get a cheerful message from Botan saying that if we went after Karasu, Koenma would have six kitten fits?" Yusuke absorbed Hiei's affirmative noise, then leaned back against the nearest building. "This...is probably a really bad time to ask you this," Yusuke continued in a different tone. "But I really don't want to walk into the middle of a fight between Kurama and Karasu, and this might be important."

"What are you asking?" Hiei inquired.

Shuffling in place while he sought words, Yusuke finally said softly, "We talk, you know. He can be a perfect student and a perfect son, but he's not very good with people. I've had some of the weirdest conversations of my life with that boy. But you know him better than any of us. You've known him longer, you seem to spend a lot of time in his company, and you're pretty much the same kind when you come down to it. And I think..."

"You don't just think, you make bets on it," Hiei realized.

Yusuke scoffed. "I made that bet with Kuwabara in a quiet moment when we were storming Suzaku's castle. I was positive that you two had something going on, despite the angry stabbity bit. And I'm still positive. I'm just not sure it's occurred to either of you. And I'm not telling you the exact terms of that bet, either."

Hiei ignored the last part. "It's occurred to me."

"I'd guessed," Yusuke said, his voice going back to its original solemnity. "And I'm not surprised. The pair of you have gotten to a point where someone had to do something before one of you got stir crazy and disappeared. Being on the run from zombies and throwing Kurama's fanatic stalker into the mix just made it all the more cataclysmic. I want details."

Hiei looked slightly thrown by the change of subject. "No."

"It was worth a shot," Yusuke said on a sigh. "But I'm guessing that when or if Karasu twigs, he's going to be really, really annoyed."

"I already annoyed him," Hiei said. "He went and found a cheap whore who looked vaguely like Kurama, broke his neck, and showed me his corpse. He's now having said cheap whore run errands for him."

Yusuke grimaced. "All right. It's official, he's a sick fuck. Actually, a sick fuck with an exquisite hold on symbolic communication. But I'm guessing that he's Kurama's sick fuck and that Kurama will do all the taunting necessary."

"That was the impression I got," Hiei agreed, then muttered. "I can't believe I'm having this conversation."

"Kurama is rubbing off on me," Yusuke announced. "Apparently the personality exchange is mutual. Anyway, I said that exact phrase when he managed to pry my entire sex life out of me in about ten minutes. Or lack thereof. Woe." Yusuke judged it best not to explain the rest of the conversation, which had namely been Yusuke's demand that he _had_ to get laid before he was eighteen and Kurama was really cute so would he be amenable to a call in three or four years if it came to that?

He really didn't want to go into the fact that Kurama had laughed and said yes, if it came to that.

It would hopefully be a moot point anyway.

Hiei looked at him for a long moment with an expression that stated that he was trying really, really hard not to smile. "I think I might have heard about that."

"Oh God," said Yusuke miserably.

"Nothing specific," Hiei continued thoughtfully, "but it does sound familiar."

Yusuke decided to regain control of the conversation. "Anyway! Is this going to mess anything up? Please don't be having issues."

"None to my knowledge," Hiei said, startled. "Should there be?"

Yusuke could remember vividly the first time he had dared articulate anything for Keiko beyond being a brotherly nuisance, and how so very careful he had been to not screw it up. He had screwed up anyway, but the hurt of screwing up had been a relieved hurt, like cutting open an infection.

He knew that he couldn't afford to think of her always, but he did and drew strength from it rather than worry about her. When he was miles away from reality and in a struggle to the death, she was there and she gave him strength.

Yusuke remembered this, and looked at Hiei, and wondered.

Some blocks away, Kuwabara and Yukina chased Weed down the street. He'd woken them up from where they were staying in the dorm, saying it was time for him to go, and had charged away.

"This is it," Weed said, pulling up short in front of a building.

"Yes, I remember," Yukina said distractedly, noticing that Kuwabara's attention was elsewhere. "Kazuma, what is it?"

Kuwabara gestured. "Kurama? What are you doing here? And why do you feel...not alive?"

"Because I'm not him, fucktard," said a skinny boy with handfuls of red hair spilling over his shoulders and down his back. "And I'm very much dead."

"Kuwabara," said Kurama, emerging from the shadows behind him. Kuwabara rubbed his eyes and tried to make sure that he was really awake. "And Yukina. Hello. Be nice, Toshi," he added to the other redhead.

Surreptitiously pinching himself, Kuwabara asked, "Kurama, is there a reason that there is a zombie who's a dead ringer for you running around?"

"Yes," Kurama said, apparently not feeling the need to elaborate. "He's not here," he said accusingly to Toshi. "Where is he?"

The zombie glowered. "I didn't even know that he wasn't here. Wait here for him to bomb you, why don't you?"

"I want to talk to the man who runs this," Kurama said to Kuwabara and Yukina. "In person, rather than through the undead."

"I'm aware of that," said Toshi in the necromancer's voice.

Kuwabara jumped. "Don't _do_ that!" he ordered.

Toshi smiled at him indulgently. "Please, come inside. I will see Weed and speak to you all at once. Business is slower at night."

"Where is he?" Kurama asked intently. "You must know."

El Zorromancer smiled with Toshi's face. "I do know. I gave him the idea of having him meet you here without letting him know such a thing, and I planned to bring him to where you were when I was done speaking to you myself. It would be so convenient, you see, if you were to die here. And there are more of you! Tonight I am lucky, no?"

Yukina realized that the group would be given to general indecision until someone made a move. "I thank you for agreeing to see us promptly," she said, heading for the door.

"You are quite welcome," El Zorromancer answered, then released his hold on Toshi. "Goddamn it all to hell!" Toshi screamed at Kurama. "When did I give my okay on being everyone's fucking puppet? Why can't you just hand yourself over, dammit? You can take care of yourself!" He swiped at his eyes angrily, then stormed into the building after Yukina. "You all can just go fuck yourselves upside down, sideways, and blind!"

Kurama studied the pavement as the rest of the group entered the building. "Karasu got to him. He's trying to talk me into handing myself over to a fate worse than sex toy. As you can see, he's failing."

"Does he always swear like that?" Weed asked, looking interested.

Kurama gave this some thought. "Yes, actually. He really doesn't get very creative until he's been going for about ten minutes, though."

The pack was ceremoniously handed over from the front desk to a familiar, impeccably sleek blonde man waiting outside of El Zorromancer's office. "Good evening," he said politely as he opened the door.

"Ah," said El Zorromancer cheerfully as they trooped in. "Please have seats, if you wish. We have coffee as well, if you like. I am aware that not everyone keeps our hours."

"Coffee," said Weed pleadingly. Julian managed to present him with a mug in seconds. "How did you get it to be perfect like that out of nowhere?" Weed wondered after the first sip.

El Zorromancer bent a slow, feline smile on Julian and Weed alike. "Julian has a marvellous knack for fulfilling people's wishes. Would anyone else like coffee?"

As Julian doled out coffee to Kuwabara, Yukina, Toshi, and Kurama, El Zorromancer went over Weed's body from head to toe, restoring and healing the entire way. "There you are," he finally said. "Your body will sustain itself as it is. That same sustaining will allow you to heal minor injuries. I will have to fix the major things myself, however."

Weed nodded, then pursed his lips absently. "Did you cure me of nicotine addiction?"

"I could, if you wished it," El Zorromancer offered. "I do not make it a policy to interfere with the vices of others, however."

"No shit," Toshi complained into his coffee.

"What have you done to your hand, my dear?" El Zorromancer asked, his eyes lighting on Toshi's gashed palm. "Glass cuts?"

"I hit a window," Toshi explained. "It was an accident."

El Zorromancer's mouth twitched. "I was expecting something a bit more devastating the next time I had to patch you up."

"So was I," Toshi retorted as the cuts shrank. "Surprise, surprise."

El Zorromancer ran his fingers over Toshi's now-unbroken skin, then released the boy's hand. "I do not pass judgement on what my clients choose to do, I'm afraid."

"So I just let him at me?" Toshi shrilled, unaware of all eyes but Julian's being fixed on him. "Can't you not pass judgement on getting me out of this country?"

"Why, isn't your ticket out of your commitment right there?" El Zorromancer asked, indicating Kurama.

"You think so?" Kurama asked gently, looking at the others around him. "I should like to have a word with you alone."

"What are you going for, here?" Kuwabara hissed. "He's completely batty. Are you sure you want to talk to him alone?"

Kurama didn't even look at Kuwabara. "Incredibly sure. I want you to talk to Toshi anyway. You should know what's going on. I've not seen either of you since that bomb went off. Did I mention that I was glad that you were safe?"

Yukina knew a losing battle when she saw one. "Kazuma, his idea is a good one. We will talk to this Toshi. Will your waiting room be suitable for our conversation?"

"It will suit you very well, I think," El Zorromancer replied amicably.

Julian rose deferentially from his desk and slipped to the door. "Please feel free to request what you like from our attendant at the front desk," he murmured.

Kurama caught Kuwabara's arm as he was about to pass out the door. "That young man you have with you."

"Weed?" Kuwabara asked. When Kurama nodded, he inquired, "What about him?"

"Tell him to watch out for himself. This place might be the safest area for him, and things might be getting very bad very quickly," Kurama said, releasing Kuwabara's sleeve. "I will see you shortly."

Kuwabara nodded suspiciously and allowed himself to be ushered from the room.

Watching the door close, Kurama surmised, "Your secretary is confidential and I may speak freely before him. Am I correct?"

El Zorromancer extended a hand to Julian and drew the blonde onto his lap. "I feel we can abandon formality, as I have been inadvertently helping to plan your death for some time. I also wish to employ you upon your demise. You are among the best of fighters, and you transcend the best of thieves. And, of course, you are lovely to look upon."

Kurama looked at the two twined together in the chair across from him. "You would have to reckon with Karasu."

"I am working my way to employing him as well," El Zorromancer said carelessly. "I should give my orders to you quite delicately through him."

"Manipulation upon manipulation," Kurama replied softly. "Why not simply kill him once you have me?"

"Whyever should I do such a thing?" El Zorromancer asked. "I do like him. He appeals to me. And you have seen how I work. I wished to speak with you, and here you are. If I wish a thing to be mine, you would do it for me. You do miss the thrill, do you not?"

Kurama's eyes glimmered as dizzying images whirled through his mind. "I miss it terribly," he said, and his voice was rough with truth. "But I am not accustomed to being someone's toy."

"Even when I am such a pleasure to work for?" El Zorromancer asked, his smile now including his eyes. Very delicately, he licked Julian's ear, causing the blonde to shudder in his arms. "Julian is most dear to me," he continued. "I would treat no other like him. But I am not a harsh master. Merely...focused."

"I see," Kurama said, twisting a piece of hair between his fingers. "You are offering me to Karasu, and at the same time you are offering me my old life back. And somehow, I think you will accomplish this. You are to be respected."

"You don't much like being asked to kill on command, do you?" El Zorromancer asked. "Assassination has never been your style, though you've turned a pretty fee for it in the past with poisons and traps and your unique weapons. If I were ruler," he said dreamily, "I would have done things differently. So many times have you or your friends been asked to kill where your thief-skills would have done the job alone. It is a disgusting waste, a parody, an _insult_."

Kurama looked at him emptily. "If you speak of Suzaku, it was all of those things and deliberate to boot. To put me on parole and then have me assist in an assassination instead of asking me to take what was needed was a slap in the face. I...did resent it at the time."

"I shall try not to insult you thus," said El Zorromancer softly. "Even if you choose not to join me, or if you survive...if I need something obtained, I will call on you, because one such as you deserves such an honour."

"Tell me," Kurama pressed, looking rather flattered, "why is it that the zombies only seem to be in this area? I know they're around the border of the demon world and I know they're in this city, but I do not know why this is. You did open the hells, didn't you?"

El Zorromancer nodded. "I will have to travel. I need only go somewhere once and the undead follow in my wake. I have not gone far as of yet. I want to secure my position here on the border before I move on. The human world will be an afterthought."

"I do have one more question," Kurama pursued, looking at Julian. "What is he?"

El Zorromancer lowered his eyelids. "Julian West defines invaluable to me. What he wishes, you see," he explained, "comes true."

Kurama got to his feet carefully. "Will you be calling Karasu now?"

"I will allow myself a small break," El Zorromancer said. "The night is still young. And you were correct about Weed. He will be safest here. You I cannot control, but Karasu will be hard pressed to damage this place or any bystanders in it."

Kurama paused by the door, his eyes alight with strange fire. "Thank you. I would not disturb you and will thus show myself out. I apologise to your instincts," he added to Julian, and withdrew.

El Zorromancer lazily drew his fingers through Julian's ponytail. "There goes," he whispered, "an even more remarkable demon than Karasu. He has...character."

"I comprehend entirely, sir," said Julian, closing his eyes as El Zorromancer investigated his collar.

"Tonight could be the end of things," El Zorromancer said, his fingers hesitating against Julian's tie.

"I have scheduled nothing else until we change offices tomorrow morning, sir," Julian murmured.

El Zorromancer said, "I am grateful for your insight on the matter of my dear Weed's appointment. You were, as always, correct; people are predictable."

"Thank you, sir," said Julian, colour rising to his cheekbones as El Zorromancer undid his tie.

"I will allow myself a small break," El Zorromancer repeated, "but a break long enough for you. The war will start tonight, my dear Julian, and I would have us go into it sated."

Oo-er.

* * *

I am so, so, so sorry! Last week was finals week. It was bad. I'm better now. Well, actually, I'm heavily doped up on Percocet now after impromptu minor surgery, but I am feeling so very good.

**KyoHana:** Hurrah for the moments of discreet segues and ellipses!

**Oya: **I derive their attraction from the rampant subtext they have.

**Kooriya Yui:** No, that's his name. With many apologies to K. Sandra Fuhr, that is.

**Aithril the Elf-Maiden:** Yay! Feedings!

**A lilmatchgirl:** Toshi is everyone's punching bag. Feel free to hug him.

**Kurama'sGirl88:** Kurama is fun!

**Capella Alpha Aurigae:** I think it's the most citrusy thing I've ever written. But, well, y'know what they say...vitamin C is good for you...

**Nyte Kit:** Kurama is always portrayed as being nice and happy...and I suppose he is, but he's a very...special kind of nice.

**Evene:** Karasu's possessive like that.

**yanagi megumi: **Yay! I'm glad it's original!

* * *

**I missed a week. I'm a horrible person! (bows head to be cut off)**

**I'M ON PERCOCET. I AM IN NO PAIN. I DEFY YOU, MINOR SURGERY.**


	13. which is very full of zombies

**chapter thirteen: which is very full of zombies**

Back in El Zorromancer's waiting room, Toshi drained his coffee and looked belligerently at Kuwabara. "So are you a demon too? Because everyone else is, and I'm starting to wonder if there are any humans left anywhere."

"I'm human," Kuwabara protested. "I'm more human than you are, what with you being a zombie and all."

"I," Toshi retorted, clapping one hand to his chest, "am _not_ a fucking zombie. D'you see me drooling and gnawing on people?"

"Gnerr," moaned Weed, leaning over to chomp on Toshi's hand.

Toshi shrieked like a little girl and bounded across the room. "He bit me! He bit me! I'm gonna fucking kill him! He fucking bit me! I'm gonna start drooling and biting people!"

Weed licked his lips and settled more firmly into his chair. "You're a zombie. Get over it. Here, I know what can calm you down," he decided, fishing in a pocket. "You're much too high-strung."

Toshi stamped one foot angrily. "Of course I'm high-strung! If you'd gone through what I have, you'd be high-strung too!"

Yukina tugged Toshi's former chair closer to her own. "Come, sit here," she requested. "It would be well for you to tell us what happened. We may be able to help."

Restlessly thumping down into the chair, Toshi said crankily, "Unless you can get your fox demon to hand himself smilingly to Karasu, I don't think there's much that you can do."

"Here." Weed offered his lit joint to Toshi kindly. "You look like you need this."

Toshi sniffed the smoke, then snatched it from Weed. "You are godlike to me," he said after a pause. "Truly godlike. You said you smoked."

"Unfiltered," Weed agreed, handing the pack to Toshi. "Can't kill me now."

Yukina squinted through the growing cloud of smoke at the red-haired zombie. "Withdrawal pangs, then?"

Toshi handed the joint back to Weed, bouncing in his chair. "I don't know. Maybe. What did you want to know?" he asked.

Mentally blessing Weed for being his drug-laden self, Yukina said, "What connection do you have with Karasu?"

"I gave him change for a phone call," Toshi started, his eyes darkening. "I asked him if he wanted anything else. He got a little freaky. Then he tried to choke me, so I put a knife in his throat. It didn't affect him, and I realized I was in trouble. Then there's this big bang and blood starts pouring out of the back of my knee. And after that...he broke my neck. Apparently he used my dead body to send a message to a guy who was with your fox demon. When I wake up, he brings me to some place in a demon world and he blows my face off. I get put back together and he tells me to go find Kurama and bring him here. I don't know why he's not here. I don't like him at all. I don't want to be here. I really wish your redhead would fight his own damn battles instead of just waltzing off and leaving me here."

Yukina bit her lip tentatively. "I...well, I rather think that this is how they are fighting. It's psychological, I think. Kurama slights him and he retaliates by killing someone of your..." Here Yukina's politeness failed to find her a suitable word.

"So your demon boy does something to make Karasu want to demonstrate what he does to your casual whore," Toshi surmised.

Kuwabara winced. "Don't say that."

Toshi sneered. "What, am I offending your friend?"

"No," Kuwabara said, "but you are giving me squicky mental images that I neither needed nor wanted."

"It sounds really hot," Weed said languidly. "You sure you don't want those mental images?"

Toshi dropped his head into his hands, nearly setting his hair on fire with his cigarette. "Hell," he muttered, sticking the unlit end into his mouth. "Anyway, I'm just sort of in the middle of this by accident, praying that I'll find a way out."

"It occurs to me," Yukina said slowly, drawing the attention of all three boys. "Your best bet for freedom from Karasu would be to help us."

"Because you three can do oh so much damage to him," Toshi said derisively. "Sure."

There was a noise that Toshi associated instinctively with a very well-known movie trilogy. "Actually, we probably could," Kuwabara said calmly.

Toshi looked up. Realizing that he was on the wrong end of what looked like a sword made entirely of fire, he decided to hold very, very still. "Whatever I did, I take it back," he whispered, holding his hands up to show his lack of weapons.

"You see," Yukina said encouragingly, "you don't know us very well. Kazuma is a very good fighter. And Kurama was the one who killed Karasu in the first place. Oh, and of course there are the others. They're very good too."

"What about him?" Toshi asked, pointing at Weed. "And you?"

"I'm their walking dispensary," Weed announced languidly. "But I'm just the undead. None of this fighting stuff. I make a mean Molotov cocktail, though. She's like an ice ninja. And she heals things really fast if you're alive."

Toshi goggled. "Wow. So I've just been pissing off a whole bunch of people who could effectively turn me into a tea cozy."

Yukina nodded. "But we're actually very nice."

"I'm going to throw myself on your mercy and hope you're telling the truth," Toshi said nervously.

Smiling, Yukina asked, "Do I look like the sort of person who lies?"

Toshi was saved from answering when Kurama walked into the room with a very strange expression on his face. "We have a little time before all hell breaks loose. Again."

"What was that all about?" Kuwabara demanded.

"He offered me a job," Kurama explained demurely. "It was very tempting."

Kuwabara made a funny strangled noise. "You're still alive, right?"

"Oh, I didn't _accept_," Kurama replied impatiently. "But we do have some time before Karasu shows up. I'll also guess that we have some time before El Zorromancer interferes with us, though I can't say the same for his receptionist."

All eyes turned to the well-groomed young woman with a tail. As they watched, she took out an emery board and touched up her pointed fingernails.

"Weed," Yukina said gently. "There is something you should know."

"Mm?"

"If we do fight with El Zorromancer, there is a chance that if he is killed, everyone that he has resurrected will die without preamble," Yukina said gently. "And even if you do decide to stay with us, I don't think that any of us can guarantee your safety. Do you want to leave?"

Weed straightened in his chair. "Just because I am undead doesn't mean I like him," he said softly. "He has great charm, and in another situation I could see myself taking to him, but he scares the shit out of me. And..." Here he grimaced, putting a hand over his eyes. "I'm dead. Do you understand what I mean? Even if this body never decays, I'm no longer human. I'm no longer alive. I go to kiss my girlfriend and she's thinking about the putrefaction process. I touch people and they scream because I'm cold. I can be ripped apart and put back together again. I'll help you, if I can."

"But you may not be able to help us," Yukina continued.

Weed shrugged. "Find me a gun and I can make like I'm in a zombie movie. Besides...I'm dead. I don't get tired, I don't get hungry, I don't get thirsty. I can't be killed. It's hard to slow me down. I'm animated by the force of my soul, and my soul doesn't care that my muscles are non-existent or that I'm scrawny and weak. I accidentally picked up a car, all right?" he asked when even Yukina's face showed polite scepticism. "I was helping someone park and I picked it up."

"Do you have any ideas?" Kuwabara asked Kurama. "You're good at strategy and that kind of stuff, aren't you?"

"My strategy doesn't end in killing El Zorromancer," Kurama said quietly. "It ends in Karasu's death, and to that end I will only be recruiting those who are already involved. Namely, you," he said to Toshi.

"Oh, hell no," Toshi said sulkily.

"Have another cigarette," Weed suggested. "Here, listen. Despite the mystery muscles, I don't think I'll make a good fighter, but at least I can drive the getaway car."

"I thought you died in a car crash. Do you even have a car to drive?" Kuwabara asked.

Weed nodded. "Great big banger of a thing. I think I died from being thrown out the window. It was open and I didn't have a seatbelt on. The car's fine. The car could have survived the atomic bombs."

There was a moment of silence. "I knew those formulas would be trouble," Kurama finally said.

"I'll pretend you didn't say that," Kuwabara decided. "I like the getaway car idea. It makes it seem so official. Should we go get it?"

"Yes, since it might be better to plan our attack when we're not actually in the guy's office," Weed agreed. "Or your attack, actually."

Kuwabara grunted. "You know, I need to call Urameshi," he said. "He'll be angry if we kick El Zorromancer's ass without him."

"Would you like the use of our telephone, sir?" asked the receptionist on cue.

"Yow!" Kuwabara yelped, sitting bolt upright. "You could hear us?"

"It is my job to respond in such situations," the receptionist agreed. "I do not pass judgement on the topic of the conversation."

Kuwabara looked at her suspiciously. "All the same, I'll use my own phone, thanks."

"Very well," the receptionist said placidly. "Would anyone like a refill of coffee before you depart?"

"No, thank you, but you are kind to offer," Yukina said. "Weed, would you be kind enough to take us to your car so that Kazuma might telephone in privacy?"

"Sure," Weed said easily, slipping out of his chair and looking around. "Hey, we're missing people."

"What?" Kuwabara stared around wildly, only to behold a stunning lack of other red-haired people. "All right, it's definitely time to call Urameshi," he concluded, heading for the door. "We'll be back," he said to the receptionist in what he hoped was a threatening voice.

The receptionist smiled and touched her appointment book with a sharp-nailed finger. "You're already booked, sir."

As he, Yukina, and Weed headed down the street, Kuwabara had to admit that the honours of that exchange certainly had rested with the receptionist.

Some miles away, Yusuke was torn from his deep thoughts on Keiko by the sound of his phone ringing. "Yeah?"

"Urameshi!" Kuwabara bawled in his ear. "We've got problems!"

"Where are you?" Yusuke decided that this was the most pressing question.

"Oh, we're getting Weed's car and going back to El Zorromancer's office," Kuwabara said. "But did I mention how we had problems?"

Yusuke looked at Hiei and was relieved to see that the fire demon seemed to be following the conversation. "Can you hear?" When Hiei nodded, Yusuke spoke to Kuwabara instead. "We're going to meet you there. Is it the demon world one or the human world?"

"Human world," said Kuwabara. "There's another?"

"We're going to meet you there," Yusuke repeated. "What's your problem? If it involves Kurama, I know what's going on. If it doesn't, do some fast talking."

"Well," Kuwabara said meditatively, "we're going to go fight El Zorromancer once and for all in a little bit. We were hoping you'd come along."

Yusuke took the general impetuosity of this decision in stride. "I was wondering when we'd get around to doing that."

"I'm getting the feeling that if we don't attack, he'll make the first move soon," Kuwabara explained. "We just talked to him. Oh, and I know you said not to worry about Kurama, but he just vanished with Karasu's messenger boy. So I'm worried anyway."

Yusuke mouthed a very impolite word to Hiei, then said to Kuwabara, "All right. Fine. Worry. Listen, I'll be right there. Well, actually, _we'll_ be right there," he amended when Hiei gave him a look that promised fiery death if he was left out of the fun.

"'We'?" Kuwabara asked. "What 'we'?"

Yusuke felt that Hiei's expressive eye roll covered both their feelings on the matter. "I found Hiei," he said. "You remember him? Short, red eyes, inclined to spontaneous fits of violent rage?"

"Oh," said Kuwabara. "Right."

Hiei looked like he might want to start seething at the unflattering description to which he had just been treated. Yusuke took this like the warning sign it was and said, "Listen, we'll be waiting for you by the time you get back. We're not far away." He flipped the phone shut before Kuwabara could argue and looked at Hiei. "I'm really starting to get the urge to beat Kurama up. Please remind me why this is a bad idea."

"He fights dirty," Hiei suggested.

Yusuke nodded. "All right. Thank you. Urge officially quashed. I hate fighting cheaters."

"Lucky for you that you've never fought him," Hiei said. "Trust me. It's not fun."

Yusuke sighed heavily. "It didn't look it."

"I would have kicked your ass if he hadn't interfered," Hiei continued.

"But isn't my wonderful company so much better than prison for killing me?" Yusuke asked brightly. "This way," he chirped before Hiei could answer him, and sped off.

By then, Kurama had managed to locate, unlock, and relock the door of the refrigerated waiting room. "I've an idea."

"So I gathered," Toshi said disgustedly.

"Karasu chose this site in order to fight me because it is in a city. I have little in the way of weapons, aside from what I carry," Kurama reasoned. "But nothing is stopping me from picking a site as well. If this is executed correctly, he will come to me instead."

"What is 'this'?" Toshi asked warily.

Kurama bit his lip. "As you may have noticed, we resemble each other superficially."

"Oh hell no," Toshi said, realizing where this was going. "I'm not fighting him for you. He'll kill me!"

"That wasn't quite the idea," Kurama said, "but you're close. Besides, you can't die."

"If I'm in fifteen million pieces, I don't see myself getting back up again," Toshi retorted.

"He won't be able to hurt you that badly," Kurama said. "If you recall, El Zorromancer will keep this place from being destroyed by siphoning off the powers of the undead if necessary. Besides, he'll probably get close enough to you that you can just hit him. He won't expect such a thing from me."

"But it won't be hard to figure out that I'm not you!" Toshi wailed. "And he'll kill me!"

Kurama smiled slowly. "Do you know your mythology?"

"No," said Toshi. "Why?"

"What do you know about fox-demons and illusions?" Kurama inquired. "Nothing? Pity. But if I handle it right, no one will know you're not me unless they think to look closer. And do you know what I've discovered in my life of lies? People are trusting, even if they think they're not. No one ever looks closer."

Toshi swallowed. "You swear you'll kill him."

"I shan't stop if he kills me," Kurama replied.

"All right," Toshi breathed. "What am I getting myself into?"

Kurama grinned. It was an expression full of sunshine and laughter, and entirely unsuited to the atmosphere. "For a start, my clothes. Give me yours."

Toshi sighed and started to unlace his long, fingerless gloves. "If you turn out to be stunningly hot in these clothes, I can't answer for the consequences or for my envy. You know, for someone as cute as yourself, you have absolutely no fashion sense."

"You're wearing vinyl shorts," Kurama said. "I really don't think that you're allowed to comment on my fashion sense."

Toshi made a face and started to work on his other glove. "Fine. Be that way."

Outside the building, Yusuke and Hiei were unaware of the transformation being undertaken, instead being fascinated by the hulking behemoth of a car that was lurching up the road towards them.

"I think that thing gets about half a litre to the foot," Yusuke finally said.

"Is that a gun turret?" Hiei demanded, staring at the protrusion on top of the car.

"This," panted a young man proudly as he drew up to the curb, "is Cthulhu embodied in a car form. You should see it when I hit the tentacle button."

"I'll pass, thanks," Yusuke said hurriedly. "I think I'm supposed to be waiting for you."

Kuwabara opened one of the doors and jumped out. "Urameshi, this car is the _shit!_"

Yukina followed, but she headed for the driver's side instead. "Thanks, Weed. Will you be safe in here?"

"All the metal and glass is bulletproof and fireproof," Weed answered. "You can't even tell I was in an accident, now, can you?"

"No," Yukina said truthfully. "It's a lovely machine. You take care of yourself out here. If the outside starts to look like it could even get through this thing, feel free to drive around the block."

"Got it," Weed said with a salute. "Don't worry about me when you go get him. If I'm...not around later, can one of you find someone to take the car back to Touya?"

"We will," Kuwabara promised, giving Weed a manly clap on the shoulder that nearly broke a few bones. "If we come running screaming out of the building, pretend that nothing happened on the ride back, all right?"

"Sounds good," Weed agreed. "Go get him."

Hiei was already heading for the building, Yusuke not far behind. "Thanks for your help," Yukina said to Weed, then grabbed Kuwabara's hand and ran after the others.

Weed sighed, cranked the window back up, and switched on the radio. His hands, when he put them carefully on the steering wheel, were shaking. "This is it," he said on a long, shuddering breath, and waited.

Inside El Zorromancer's office, the receptionist with a tail smiled politely at the party. "Welcome, sirs and miss," she said. "Shall I see if El Zorromancer is free, or would you prefer to kill me and go in yourself?"

"Would you be so tamely killed?" Yukina inquired.

The receptionist pressed the tips of her fingers together as her nails lengthened into needle-sharp claws that were as long again as her hand. "If you wish, miss, you may find out."

Yukina smiled, and the expression on her face was disconcertingly like another's. "I am only a healer. I am merely here to assist."

The receptionist pressed a claw to her lips. "I comprehend entirely, miss. You wish then to be taken to El Zorromancer himself?"

"Yes," Yukina agreed.

The receptionist's eyes slid to focus on something behind their heads. "Will you take seats, please, or would you like to stand?"

The four standing before her desk all slowly turned. "Holy. Fucking. Shit," Yusuke said for all of them.

Heading for the glass of the front doors was the largest crowd of undead that any of them had ever seen in the past few days. Most of them were at least crudely armed, and they all looked frighteningly intent on something.

"I think your waiting room may need redecorating soon," Yusuke said to the receptionist. "Just a passing thought I had."

The receptionist tucked herself behind the desk, claws tapping on the wood surface idly. "Have a good fight. If you should die, please come and make an appointment. We will see you promptly."

The first knot of zombies blew the door open, their eyes blank and staring. "I think he just brainwashed as many as he could reach and told them to come get us," Yusuke said.

All the zombies opened their mouths and spoke as one in El Zorromancer's voice. "Correct, Urameshi Yusuke. In case of your demises, I have instructed my staff to hold slots for you."

"I don't see Weed," Kuwabara said. "Or that red-haired zombie boy."

"That would not be playing the game. We are all ones who would preserve our new way of life," the phalanx of zombies said, all with identical smiles. "Enjoy yourselves, my dears."

"So, Hiei," Yusuke said. "Feel like trying to brainwash all of those zombies yourself?"

"I would advise you that in your position, I wouldn't," the crowd of zombies announced, "but really, hypocrisy is so ugly. You may try, but I will resist. Now that you have announced it, I may resist with all my power. Will you try it?"

"Oh, no way in _hell_ does he have all the fun!" Kuwabara declared, stepping to the front, sword flaring to life in one hand.

After that, it was absolute bedlam.

In the refrigerated room, Kurama looked up from the ties of the gloves. "I think that the unholy noise from above signifies that El Zorromancer is weighing in against my friends. I expect that Karasu will be back soon."

"Anything else you want to witch on me?" Toshi inquired. "My hair feels funny like this. How the hell do you manage to keep yours like this all the time?"

"Magic," Kurama said absently. "It's time for me to quietly vanish. I'll stay around long enough for him to sight you. Keep him busy once he notices you. I'll need him distracted."

Toshi sighed and rubbed his eyes. "Well, here goes nothing, then. Only can I have my make-up back if you're done with it?"

"You were the one to insist on it," Kurama retorted, handing the cases over.

"That's because I don't want to be alone in this ridiculous dress-up thing," Toshi shot back, looking Kurama over.

"What?" Kurama asked curiously, noting the look.

"You look really hot," Toshi said, sounding peeved. "That's so not fair. If you get any money off this, I demand a cut. Especially if the eyeliner is part of it."

Kurama looked longingly at the wall, as though he might dearly want to hit his head on it until he fell into unconsciousness. "I don't plan to make any money off of this. If anything, Karasu will be too busy alternately staring at me and laughing his ass off to notice me trying to kill him. I suppose that's a point in my favour."

Toshi rolled his eyes. "I said he had a hard-on for you. Well, when this is over, assuming we both survive in some form of the word, let us never speak of this again."

"It's a deal," Kurama agreed as he unlocked the door. "Good luck."

Toshi watched him disappear into the now-darkened hallway. As he looked, yet another light shattered with the impact from the floor above. "What the hell have I gotten myself into?" he wondered before heading to the stairs.

Upstairs, it was becoming increasingly hard to move, as zombie bodies were covering every inch of the floor, with still more coming. "This...is not...a fair...fight," Kuwabara panted. "This is...a slaughter."

"But at least it's not our slaughter," Yukina said. She looked quite cool and was not out of breath in the least. As she spoke, an icicle spiked up from the floor and impaled a zombie which had been leaping for her from behind.

"A good...point," Kuwabara wheezed. "Are you...all right?"

"I am better than you sound," Yukina said anxiously.

There was a loud whipping noise, which was followed by several pieces of zombie flying into Kuwabara's head. "Watch where you're flinging those things, you bastard!" he screeched at Hiei.

Hiei didn't even bother to look like he had noticed. "This is too easy," he complained to Yusuke instead.

Yusuke stomped on a disembodied hand which was trying to grab his ankle. "Don't you dare invoke Murphy's Law. I mean it. You should know better than that."

"I meant that something else is probably coming. Something much worse than this. This is cannon fodder, and he knew it when he sent them against us," Hiei said. "The question is, what else is he sending against us?"

"Never," Yusuke said, eyes riveted to the door, "ever ask me a question like that again."

"Was I just answered?" Hiei asked, also looking. "Ah. Yes. I see that I was."

Karasu passed through the door, blinked gently at the chaos, then turned and headed for a small set of stairs.

"Shit," said Yusuke. "Kuwabara! The rest of this is yours!" he bawled, then leapt after Karasu. "There's something wrong about this," he gasped to Hiei when the fire demon caught up with him. "I don't like it."

"There," said Hiei, stopping halfway down the stairs. Karasu was facing a slender boy with red hair, green spots hovering in the air between them.

"Hell," said Yusuke, plopping down onto one of the steps. "I'll get the popcorn. There's something wrong here, but I just can't place it."

Hiei nodded absently, eyes roving over the scene. "Kurama has something planned. He usually does."

"Considering how his plans tend to affect his life expectancy, that makes me feel so much better," Yusuke muttered, inching down another stair.

At the foot of the stairs, Kurama held his hands out to either side, palms up, and took a step back. "You'll see I'm full of surprises for you," he said lightly to Karasu.

Hiei blinked, then recalled the exact details of the movement. It had been disjointed and careless, which matched the manner that Kurama had tended to affect whenever Karasu was mentioned, but it was almost _too_ disjointed. It felt to Hiei like the move of something not quite alive. Like an insect, or a machine, or...

Or very possibly someone who was actually no longer alive.

"Yusuke," Hiei said quietly, reaching for the bandanna covering his third eye. "I think – "

Unfortunately for Yusuke, Hiei never got to finish the sentence. Someone had grabbed him from behind and yanked him hard over the low railing, sending them both falling into the darkness under the stairs.

"What the hell?" Yusuke asked, staring at where Hiei had been. "Hiei?"

There was a quiet thump, then nothing. The stairs were silent and empty.

"Shit," breathed Yusuke. "Not good."

It was with nervous eyes that he turned to look at Kurama and Karasu once more.

* * *

**Nyte Kit:** The succubus isn't as random as you think...er, well, you'll see...

**KyoHana:** This term is worse. By the gods, this term is worse. (is dead)

**Kooriya Yui:** I'm glad you like the plot, really I am!

**Evene:** People like Toshi. Yay.

**RehdFawx:** Well...it wouldn't be that hard, I don't think...

**Capella Alpha Aurigae:** The mere mention of all their cell phones amuses me mightily, because you _know_ they're all on 80's phones that outweigh the corded phone I have now.

**Bluespark:** It was _really_ minor. I mean _really, really_ minor. I love El Zorromancer's crazy.

**Kurama'sGirl88:** He was offered a job, but he didn't accept.

**A lilmatchgirl:** I didn't mean to! I try to keep the OC's firmly stuffed away from the main action, but they just keep...showing up. For things.

**shadow priestess: **Chapter! (flees from the scary, rabid fans)

**Katya-chan:** I am so much better than I was before it. (grins)

* * *

**Classes are devouring me alive. Save me with your reviews plzkthnx.**


	14. in which things go boom, ii

**chapter fourteen: in which things go boom**

"I really have to ask if you and Yusuke actually _practice_ finding ways to screw up my plans. On that note, your teeth need to get out of my palm right now this second."

Hiei had realized who he was biting somewhere around the middle of the first sentence. "What the hell is going on?" he demanded.

Kurama shook his bleeding hand automatically, already backing away. "I have to be somewhere else right now. You should go back before Yusuke gets confused."

"Yusuke is still traumatised from meeting a succubus on the border. _I'm _the one confused," Hiei retorted. "Explain."

"In that case," Kurama said, wiping his bloody hand on his shorts, "follow me. I don't have time to argue with you."

Hiei ducked into another hallway, waited for Kurama to quietly close the door, then demanded. "What the hell are you wearing?"

Brushing at his hair in a motion that left streaks of blood on his forehead, Kurama said tiredly, "Toshi's clothes. Listen, I need to be gone very quickly, so what was it that you wanted to know?"

"Why are you disappearing? In case you hadn't noticed, there are about five hundred zombies storming around upstairs, with a grand total of two people against them," Hiei said, pointing at the ceiling. "We're trying to kill the man behind this and you just walk away for your own reasons?"

"You could put it that way," Kurama said. "We have both done such things before, so don't start."

Hiei reminded him, "It's likely that if you kill the necromancer, Karasu will die."

"That's just it," Kurama replied hotly. "If I kill the necromancer, Karasu dies. I want him to die because of _me_, not because it was some incidental thing."

"What are your chances?" Hiei asked. "You should have died the last time you fought. You have one hell of a lucky streak. Discounting that, what do you have?"

Kurama's eyes were empty. "He's good. He was better than me then, and he might be better than me now, especially since he's undead. But it won't last forever. If I go after him seriously enough, he'll try to kill me. He came for me here. He thinks he's found me, which gives me time. Toshi won't be able to hurt him, either, which will frustrate him until he twigs to what I've done. It's not hard to get the upper hand of him either when he's angry or when he's overconfident."

"All right. I understand getting Toshi to look like you. Why the hell do you look like him?" Hiei demanded.

"Fair trade," said Kurama. "I needed Toshi's cooperation quite badly. Besides, it'll get Karasu's attention."

"Yes it will," Hiei muttered, looking Kurama over.

Kurama smiled, slow and murky. "How did you guess, by the way? You couldn't have seen Toshi for longer than a minute. I thought I did a better illusion job than that."

"I notice things," replied Hiei, "that most people never even look at. I can't quite help but do so."

"This could go one of two ways," Kurama realized. "One of those ways will _not_ get me out of here in a timely fashion. By now, Yusuke has to be wondering where you went. He's going to get Toshi killed if he does something wrong. I _need_ this to go right."

Hiei nodded. "Go." When Kurama disappeared in the other direction, Hiei's curiosity prompted him to start taking a longer look at the hallway he was in. The first door to his left had rather a weak lock, after all.

While this was going on, Yusuke had actually forgotten entirely about Hiei. This was because Karasu had started winning handily against whom Yusuke still perceived to be Kurama, and Yusuke was in a high state of distress.

Somewhere behind the high state of distress registering in Yusuke's mind, however, a rather perplexed thought line was forming. There was a good amount of blood scattered on the floor and spattered on the walls, but it seemed disproportionate to the multitude of gashes and flayed patches on Kurama's body. It simply wasn't enough.

"Hah," wheezed Kurama from where he was leaning on the wall. "Is that all you have in you? What the hell are you waiting for?"

Karasu seemed to be having similar thoughts. "I really would like to ask you that," he said softly, leaning closer. "Since I died, have you gotten soft?"

"Maybe I don't want to fight you so much," Kurama said as Karasu drew closer. "Maybe I want you to kill me. Maybe I want to die."

"Maybe," said Karasu, stepping within reach and pressing the bombs a hairbreadth away from Kurama's body. Yusuke held his breath and edged up the stairs a little farther, expecting fireworks at any moment.

"And maybe you need to go play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself!" snarled Kurama, sweeping one hand down into the back of Karasu's neck. Karasu yelled, the noise almost obscured by the series of loud explosions which sent smoke roiling back to where Yusuke was leaping up from the stairs.

"What the hell was that?" Yusuke wondered, flailing at the smoke that crossed his vision. "Kurama!"

"Oh, my," said Karasu, looming up out of the fog, blood streaking down into his clothes from where a knife stuck in his spine. "Someone seems to have been watching. I remember your screams, little boy, from when I ripped his flesh from his bones and he dropped bleeding to the floor in my deathmatch. Do you all love him so well, that you all look at him with desire in your eyes and terror on your lips?"

Yusuke's eye twitched. "You're sick," he managed at last through a throat tight with loathing. "But it's not my fight."

"I am wondering very much if it is mine, either," Karasu said lightly as the smoke cleared. Two steps brought him over to the huddled, bloody mess with red hair that Yusuke hesitated to associate with Kurama. "I am wondering if you are who I think you are."

"Gnk," said Kurama, wavering to his feet. Yusuke had to swallow bile at the sight of him bomb-scarred and bleeding from head to toe. "You're both...so fucking..._stupid._"

"Am I?" asked Karasu, deceptively gently.

"Not just...you." Kurama rolled his head around, cracking his neck. "I'd lay odds the person shrieking my name over there thinks he knows me oh so very well," he continued, his voice coming more smoothly. "Idiots, the pair of you."

"I do know you," Yusuke said warily, thoughts of amnesia running through his head. "Don't you know me?"

Karasu's eyes narrowed. He reached up, ripped the knife from his neck, and looked at it. "You," he realized, dropping the knife and stepping on it. "You tricked me. You tricked me, you cheap little human whore! Must I kill you again and drop your pieces at the feet of the one who engineered this?" he screamed, both hands fastening around his prey's neck.

Yusuke, having twigged that it was not Kurama bleeding to death, now felt free to weigh in. "If you do any such thing," he said calmly, one hand rising, "I will kill you."

"Will you?" asked Karasu, the air starting to glow around him.

Yusuke shrugged. "Have it your way," he said, and fired.

The boy who had looked stunningly like Kurama before the bombs had done their work slid to the floor, watching Karasu's headless body topple over. "That won't do for him, you know," he said to Yusuke quietly. "He was running around with his head cut off before."

"I just wanted to get you out. Kurama would cheerfully murder me if I did for Karasu," Yusuke said, grabbing one bloody wrist and hauling the boy to his feet. "Come on. Can you walk? I've got a friend upstairs who can heal you. There's only so much blood you can lose, you know."

"Get me out of here, fine," said the boy. "But I'm already dead, so if they deal with the living, I'm shit out of luck. Listen, it's not urgent. You want to talk to me, talk to me. But please, mister, get me out of here before he gets up or regrows his head or whatever the fuck he's going to do."

"Okay," Yusuke agreed. "There's a guy outside waiting in a car. He's undead too. I'm going to take you out to him. There was one other thing, though," he remembered as he hit the stairs. "Shit! Where the hell did Hiei go?"

"Short, evil-looking guy who plays with fire?" the boy remembered. "Following Kurama, probably. In my business, you learn to look for the really obsessive stalker-type looks, and Christ, did he ever have it."

"Yeah, about Kurama. If you're not him, where did he _go?_" Yusuke demanded.

The boy looked over Yusuke's shoulder warily. "I don't want to talk about that here. What I do want is to go get my face healed, and then to get the hell out of here. I'm guessing you're the source of the madcap noise up there?"

"El Zorromancer pretty much declared war on us," Yusuke said. "I used to work for Koenma pretty much full time, and he sort of asked me and my friends to step in again here."

"Okay," the boy agreed, nodding. "But I'm not alive and El Zorromancer fucking _owes_ me for all the shit I've indirectly gotten from him, so I want to go get my face put back on. Is this okay?"

"If we can get up there without being ripped apart by the horde, yes," Yusuke said, looking up the stairs. "And I really want to know where Hiei is. I mean, I thought I knew where Kurama was, but apparently now he's in the wind and there's some zombie double running around, and oh, where the _fuck_ did Kurama find a zombie double?"

"He didn't," Hiei said. Yusuke leapt three feet into the air and crashed down with a racing heart. "Karasu did. By the way, said zombie seems to be on his feet but missing a head. I don't think he's happy, but he doesn't seem to be inclined to much violence yet. Is that your fault?"

Yusuke took a deep breath. "I assume that you will explain as well as you ever do in short order. He wants to go see El Zorromancer."

"I bet," Hiei muttered. "There is apparently a whole other set of stairs and hallways behind here. Going back the way we came would not be a good idea. Let's go."

In El Zorromancer's room, the necromancer was carefully putting Julian's hair back up. "Is that the back door?" he asked.

Julian slipped from El Zorromancer's lap and went quietly to the back door. "Yes, sir, it is. Good evening," he added upon opening the door.

"You've got a customer," said a dark-haired young man, carefully handing over a familiar figure. "He's in rough shape."

"And you are Urameshi Yusuke," El Zorromancer realized, coming to the door after Julian.

Yusuke nodded. "I'm not here for me. You want to put this kid back together? I need to talk to him, and he says you owe him."

"Yeah, you do," chipped in the bloodied redhead. "Ignore the fact that you're out for each other's blood and fix me, dammit. Karasu won't like it if his boy-toy is in pieces."

"Will you come in, or will you wait outside, sir?" Julian asked Yusuke, extricating the redhead and taking him carefully to the settee.

Yusuke looked off to the right, then back. "Would you mind if I came back later to have a...talk?"

"Please do," said Julian politely.

When the door shut on Yusuke, he looked over at Hiei with awe in his eyes. "I know that the people who try and kill me usually treat me with a lot of respect and honour, but this is just bizarre!"

"I wouldn't know," Hiei said. "I never get that." He too was looking rather baffled.

"So he's doing a token shot at killing us out front, is being nice to us in back, and in the middle he's just randomly healing the boy we hand to him," Yusuke theorized.

"I think Toshi's a repeat customer," Hiei corrected. When Yusuke looked blank, Hiei elaborated with a gesture at the closed door. "His name is Toshi. He's Karasu's messenger. Did I mention that superficially, from a distance, and in the dark, he looks rather like Kurama?"

"Enough to fool us, I suppose," Yusuke acknowledged.

Hiei corrected him again, "It seems more likely that if Kurama was feeling deceptive enough to switch clothes with Toshi, he would probably take the final step and use those illusory powers that fox-demons have."

"When did you learn this?" Yusuke asked, and was rewarded with a summary of Hiei and Kurama's meeting under the stairs. At the conclusion, he mused, "We really need to get back and help Yukina and Kuwabara, but there's this guy Toshi. I want to know what the hell is up with him."

"I want to know what the hell is up with me too," Toshi said waspishly, walking through the door, closing it, and leaning on it. "You said you can get me out. So get me out of here!"

"Back door?" Yusuke asked Hiei, who stared back at him blankly. "Hell." It only took two knocks for El Zorromancer's door to open. "Back door?" Yusuke repeated to Julian.

"This way, sirs," Julian murmured, sliding deftly between the three and leading them down the hall. "If this door pleases you, do use it."

"You're not human, are you?" Toshi asked wonderingly.

Julian smiled dismissively. "You wouldn't like for me to answer that, sir. Have a nice night."

"Gah," said Yusuke when Julian had retreated and they stood on the street behind El Zorromancer's office. "You're on to something. He's _not_ human."

"Hey!" A great tank of a car eased up to the curb next to them. "This great whacking lot of zombies started storming the place, so I decided to drive around the block. A lot," Weed amended.

"I'm moving into your car," said Toshi, climbing into the passenger's seat and slamming the door firmly after him. "You wanted to ask me something?" he added to Yusuke.

"There was the pressing question of what you've done with Kurama," Yusuke told him.

"He took off," Toshi said. "Told me to distract, piss off, and slow down Karasu. And look, I've succeeded. He swore he'd kill Karasu in return. I believe him, because he looked kind of scary when he said it. Anything else?"

"Yes. Get the driver to give me one of his cigarettes," said Yusuke. "My hands are shaking."

Hiei watched Yusuke fumble for a lighter without much interest. "There's a killing habit," he remarked when Yusuke had finally managed to take a few drags. "You sure you want to do that now?"

Yusuke exhaled smoke. "Yes. What do you want to do?" he asked Hiei. "I think we've been chasing Kurama for long enough when he doesn't want to be found."

"He didn't mind being found," Hiei said. "If he didn't want to be found, we would have no fucking idea where he is. Like right now. But we do have a very good idea where that necromancer is, and that is going to be one hell of a fight."

"Says he, looking ridiculously pleased," Yusuke muttered. "All right. Let's go rescue Kuwabara from the scary, scary zombies. Take off, Weed." A thought struck him as the Cthulhu car roared away, as well as a faceful of exhaust. "You don't actually turn into a zombie when they bite you, do you?"

"If it's Kuwabara you're worried out, I don't think there would be much change either way," Hiei assured him.

"I feel so much better," Yusuke muttered, trotting around to the front door. "Holy shit! Christ, Hiei, blood fucking _tells. _What did she _do_?"

"Shut up," Hiei said absently, eyes roving over the carnage. Every zombie in the front office and out on the pavement had been frozen solid. In the middle of this highly bizarre scene crouched Kuwabara, nursing a heavily bloodied arm which Yukina was carefully repairing.

Yusuke waited until the ice maiden was done, then whistled appreciatively. "Damn, Yukina."

Yukina looked around, confusion showing on her face. "Oh my. I seem to have been very thorough. Oh dear. I just wanted a little bit of peace so I could fix Kazuma's arm, is all."

"You even got the receptionist," Yusuke continued, looking at the frozen girl behind the desk.

"Oh no," Yukina replied, hurrying over. "Oh _dear._" Despite her concern, her mouth was twitching into what might have been a heavily suppressed smile.

Kuwabara struggled to his feet, flexing his newly healed arm. "She's the best," he said brightly to the universe. "Really smashing."

"Yes, yes," Yusuke said, detecting that Hiei was starting to look slightly ill. "All right, let's go see El Zorromancer."

"And by 'see', you mean 'kick the ass of'," Kuwabara completed hopefully.

Yukina looked doubtful. "Are we...going to make a plan of attack first?"

"I think ass-kicking makes a really solid plan," Kuwabara protested. "Doesn't it?"

"Best plan there is," Yusuke agreed. "Come on, then," he added, starting down the hall. "This is the way, right?" he continued, walking backwards.

Yukina looked like she might have clapped a hand to her forehead if it hadn't been an impolite thing to do. "Yes. Oh!"

The object of her exclamation was currently being shown out of El Zorromancer's office. "Ah," said Karasu upon recognizing the group. "Your group usually has another person. About yea tall, charming personality, lovely screaming voice, red hair? I want to know where he is."

"No," said Yusuke. "We don't know where he is either. Go out and play, will you? I have other things to do."

Karasu shrugged lightly. "If you do not know, I have no use for you," he said, fingers curving around something as yet unseen. "Good-bye," he added, flinging the invisible object down.

Absolutely nothing happened.

"Please," said Julian from by the door, startling everyone, "El Zorromancer's office requests that you take your battle downstairs or outside."

"He's stopping me, is he?" Karasu asked, whirling and gripping Julian by the throat. "Cordially tell him, Julian West, to cease and desist his hold on me."

"I wish," Julian whispered, "that you would let me go. It would be best, sir."

Karasu slammed him up against the nearest wall. "Your cordial speech is intimidating, I know, but I have learned to speak thus myself. Tell your employer my wish as well. It would be best for you, Julian West."

"So he works for El Zorromancer," Kuwabara confirmed in Yusuke's ear. "Do we save him, or do we let them kill each other off?"

Karasu continued, ignoring their discussion, "Do remember that killing beautiful things slowly is something in which I delight. You are a beautiful creature as well as intensely useful...but I will kill you nonetheless."

"No, sir," said Julian. "You won't."

Everyone turned to stare at him. Julian was standing with his usual exquisite poise by El Zorromancer's door, not a hair out of place. "Did you see him move?" Yusuke hissed to Hiei. "I didn't see him move!"

Hiei shook his head slowly. "I saw nothing."

"There was nothing to see, sirs," Julian said, inclining his head in their direction. "Please do not degrade yourselves."

"What _is_ going on out here?" El Zorromancer asked, poking his head out the door. "Oh, hello!" he said brightly to Yusuke. "Would you like a job? I do so want to hire you."

Karasu whirled on El Zorromancer. "I wish you to no longer restrain me," he snarled.

El Zorromancer shrugged and leaned on the door frame lazily. "No. Either you stop assaulting my staff and my guests, or you leave."

Karasu reached up and started to unhook his mask. "If I were you, I would not ask such things of one like me."

"But I am not bound to a necromancer," said El Zorromancer. "Whereas you are. I will take your soul back now."

There was a resounding crash as one of the air vent grilles dropped to the floor, followed by Kurama. "Don't do that," he said to El Zorromancer. "You'll spoil it for me."

"Oh, you _are_ still here!" El Zorromancer commented. "Well, he's yours to be angry with, then."

Karasu's mask clanged across the floor. "I will leave this place and everyone in it in pieces," he breathed to Kurama, "except for you."

"I was going to leave," Kurama told him. "I was going to make you chase me, but I witnessed this little scene. Why should I give you the pleasure of hunting me? You've got nothing. You're pathetically weak now. You can't even set off one single bomb here. Go on, try it. You can do _nothing_ to me."

"Maybe we should back up," Yukina suggested, obeying her own recommendation.

"Release me," Karasu snapped at El Zorromancer.

The necromancer looked thoughtful. "He's a clever one, but he's forgotten that I want him, and all of you, dead. Have it your way." With the conclusion of his sentence, Karasu began to fairly glow with sheer power.

"Shit," said Kuwabara, scrambling back. "He'll blow the place to bits!"

"I actually thought that you would say that," Kurama replied to El Zorromancer, causing the necromancer to smile appreciatively. "You see, I didn't _really_ want to fight him if he didn't struggle, but now he's panicking. I don't have much honour in a fight, but I have some personal pride." Kurama held out one hand in Karasu's direction, rose petals forming on his palm. "I don't want anyone else hurt," he said, eyes fixed on Yusuke. "You may want to back up."

"You're not in a position to dictate such things," said Karasu. "Have you forgotten what I can do to such frail things as petals, even when they have a razor edge?"

"No," said Kurama, flipping his hand over.

It took only a second for the petals to bite through the floor, ripping it apart thoroughly from where Julian stood all the way back to Yukina's retreating feet.

"Detonate something now?" Kurama invited as the floor wobbled, chunks falling through to the cellar. "I don't know what makes up floors, but whatever it is, it's no longer in one piece. If I were you, I wouldn't even breathe heavily."

Karasu weighed his options. "Die," he decided, spreading his hands and folding the fingers towards Kurama.

There was a loud explosion, some screaming, the sound of eight people falling fifteen feet through a broken floor onto cement, and then a slow sigh like that of a house settling after a modest amount of C-4 had been detonated on-site in a hallway.

Funny how that works.

Outside, Weed and Toshi stared at the smoke and rubble curling out of the windows and doors. "Is that a good sign or a bad sign?" Weed asked.

"Bad sign," Toshi replied. "Really, really bad sign."

"I thought so," Weed said unhappily, dropping his head onto the steering wheel. "_Fuck_."

* * *

Bang bang, children.

**Aithril the Elf-Maiden:** Yay!

**Kooriya Yui:** Slashy demons, yes.

**Oya:** Over the railing and through the woods?

**KyoHana:** It's magic.

**Katia-chan:** No. He's not going to live it down.

**kikira-chan:** Indeed he does.

**Evene:** She's a demon. It bothers me that she'd be a damsel in distress, because...well..._demon._

**sukini: **I'm sorry!

**Bluespark:** But I'm better now!

**MikaSamu:** I'm glad someone loves the car too.

**kahuffstix:** Adding!

**Dane Soar:** Not deliberately!

**Nyte Kit:** Weed is probably the sanest character here. And no, his plans never actually _work_.

**A lilmatchgirl:** If you find one, please tell me!

**Kurama'sGirl88:** Eheh. Heh. Well...

* * *

**'tis the season (for feedback)**


	15. in which things head decidedly south

**chapter fifteen: in which things go decidedly south**

"Fuck," Yusuke groaned into the floor. "Ow. _Fuck_."

"Are you well?" Yukina chirped, popping up from under some nearby rubble.

"Oh, peachy," Yusuke complained. "I spend all of my time bleeding copiously from my face and afraid that the place is going to go up in smoke if I make the wrong move. No big deal here. How's Kuwabara?"

"Er," said Yukina delicately. "Unconscious, it seems. I rather...ah, fell on him."

"He'll be delighted," Yusuke assured her, scanning the area for hovering green spots, red hair, or really hacked off homicidal maniacs. None of the three presented themselves. "I feel like I'm in the middle of a guerilla war."

"Sorry, Yusuke," apologized Kurama. Yusuke jerked, lost his balance, and sprawled over to behold Kurama hanging upside down from one of the few intact beams overhead. "But you sort of are."

"Hiei was right. You cheat so fucking badly," Yusuke said expressionlessly, throwing one arm over his eyes. "I think I'm going to just go to sleep now. Wake me up when someone dies, all right?"

Yukina shook him gently. "I think that person might be you if you continue to do such a thing. I think you have a concussion, for one thing. The other thing is that Karasu looks very angry over there. It would be well to get you and Kazuma somewhere safe so that I can heal you before your fight."

"Argh," Yusuke said, sitting up and scooting back. "Waugh. If you can get Kuwabara up now, do it. We don't have time to go be healed and come back."

There was a loud explosion, which dropped Kurama to the floor in a shower of blood. "No," Yukina said, backing up quickly. "We don't."

"Ow," whispered Kurama. "Go away," he added to Yusuke when the latter made a move towards him. "Just go away. You have to be somewhere else, Yusuke, and you have to do it without me. I trust you, all right?"

There was a moment where Yusuke hated himself violently and without reserve. He had been fixed as a leader for so long that he knew what he had to do, and the very thought made him sick and ashamed. He had never counted himself as a decent person, but against all the stark evil that the demon world could produce, he was unquestionably good. And despite his hesitation to show affection for others, he had a streak of loyalty that had been so used and manipulated to draw out his own strengths that he could turn it on and off when he needed it.

Looking at Kurama sprawled in a pool of his own blood on the floor with murder on his face and a demon in his eyes, Yusuke turned off every feeling, every shred of loyalty, everything that made him want to stay and at least chew his fingernails over Kurama, and loathed himself for it as long as he could afford the sensation. "Good," he said at last, and turned away.

Yukina was waiting for him and attempting to haul a groggy Kuwabara to his feet. "Take him," she ordered. "He needs to get his blood flowing."

"Where's Hiei?" Yusuke wondered, deja vu tickling across his mind.

"Resolutely not helping me," Yukina murmured in his ear as he bent to pull Kuwabara all the way up.

Yusuke bit back a grin and looked around for the second pair of red eyes in the gloom. "Walk around, Kuwabara," he commanded. "We have something of a problem. We're over here, El Zorromancer and his very strange assistant is over there – "

"Secretary," Kuwabara corrected.

"I don't care," Yusuke replied in the same tone. "Anyway, they are there and we are here. In between us is..." There was a sound much like that of a wall being ripped apart in order to make way for something much stronger and more alive. "That," he concluded weakly.

"He'll be looking for us as well," Hiei said. "And the back way is probably now our only option, as the front entrance to El Zorromancer's office is down here with us, and hence not of much use."

"The back entrance, then!" Yusuke declared, trotting for the mostly intact stairs.

"Urameshi!" Kuwabara caught him by the shoulder before he could make the leap to the fifth step, as all previous ones were not in ideal condition. "Are we just leaving Kurama?"

Yusuke looked at him with careless eyes. "Of course. It's what he wants."

"And you're okay with that?" Kuwabara asked.

"I am now," Yusuke said dismissively, then leapt for the stairs.

"He's such a good liar it's creepy sometimes," Kuwabara said, an odd expression on his face.

Hiei brushed past him impatiently. "He wasn't lying."

"Don't tell me he's not lying!" Kuwabara exploded. "Of course he's not okay with it!"

"He is because he has to be," Hiei retorted. "He's not the one we all look to because of his ability to make an idiot of himself when lives are at stake. Or do you _want_ to be here when Kurama can't keep holding back so he won't hit us?" By the time he finished this speech, he was at the top of the stairs, Yukina not far behind.

Kuwabara bounded forwards. "He'd never hurt us!"

"Shows how much you know," Hiei said, and stalked away.

It occurred to Kuwabara that he had said something either disastrously wrong or disastrously inaccurate, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out just how.

Kurama breathed a very irrational sigh of relief when the door to the stairs closed after Kuwabara, then winced as the motion jarred one of his newly broken ribs.

"How polite of them," said Karasu. "They have left you alone with me."

"We don't know we're alone," Kurama replied, wondering if it would be worth the effort to not breathe in exchange for a few pain-free seconds. "We don't know where El Zorromancer went."

"We," said Karasu slowly, dwelling on the word. "I like that. And I do not care where that one went. He will not object to your death."

Kurama ignored him, instead racking up a frantic mental tally of his injuries as compared to Karasu's. So far, he was bleeding heavily from the area around his broken rib and his left shin, though he could almost feel the fractured bones knitting together. Karasu, on the other hand, sported nothing more than a few grazes and bruises from the fall he had taken, all of which were only there by way of having been more serious injuries some time before.

Then again, he had only been trying to dodge so far. The closest thing to an attack that he had tried was a halfhearted attempt to find the nearest plants and force them to grow down to him, with mixed results. The best thing had been a tree which had grown through a wall, only to be blasted apart. In the back of Kurama's mind, he was starting to be a little worried about the structural integrity of El Zorromancer's office.

"Are you even listening to me?" Karasu demanded, flicking closer. "Are you waiting for some drug of yours to kick in, because such things worked so well for you before?"

"Actually," Kurama said distractedly, "I was contemplating how very unattractive you were without the mask and with blonde hair. It really doesn't suit you. If you're going to make me your kinky sex-and-death slave, I think I deserve a say in these things."

Karasu smiled liplessly. "Think faster, dearest. You tried to plan for this, didn't you? You thought of all the things you could do or say. But now that you are here, facing me, doesn't it all seem so trivial? Everything I can do – everything I can _be_ – is inherently destructive. You have no such advantage."

Kurama had been thinking something like this, with the added bonus of cursing himself fifteen ways from Sunday for not remembering that he had been in a similar state of mind the last time he had been up against Karasu. Repressed memories could be hell sometimes. "You said something to me once," he mused, praying he could finish before Karasu started manufacturing more bombs. "You said you had no interest in horticulture. Is this still true?"

"I don't care about plants," Karasu said diffidently. "I died once, yes, but just what made up that plant was of no interest to me. I was dead too quickly, you see."

Kurama would have replied immediately, but he was dizzily aware that his vision was being crossed with purple streaks and white lightning. He had not done such a massive summons in ages and he had forgotten the painful pleasure of the way the power raced through him like the conduit he was. He wondered with the clarity of the not-quite-lucid if this was how Karasu felt when he used his body to channel explosives. His body wanted to change, to regain the shape it knew best when being filled with this power, to take the strain off of this almost-human one. Kurama hung on anyway, half-crazy with the rush and deliriously amused at what a slap in the face it would be for Karasu if he didn't even touch his other form to kill him.

With one painful, electric snap, it all stopped. "Then," Kurama managed, feeling with fleeting satisfaction how much less his rib twinged, "I won't tell you what I've done."

He left out that if Karasu had asked, he wouldn't have explained anyway.

It would have taken all the drama out of it, really.

"I think I can guess," Karasu said, looking at the plant looming over him. "You have improved."

Kurama decided not to disclose that the wall was all that was holding him up for the moment. "You've been dead for a long time."

"And yet, dearest, there is still one thing you haven't taken into account," Karasu said, taking a step back and hefting a bomb in one hand. "Plants burn. And no matter how much they burn back, eventually there will be nothing left. Not only of it...of you."

"This one doesn't burn back," Kurama said, gazing at it with a vague smile. "Oh! I'm sorry; you said you weren't interested. How bad of me. Continue, please."

Karasu's eyes narrowed. "Don't patronise me," he snarled, flinging the first bomb straight through the waving tendrils of the plant and at Kurama. One end of his mouth tipped up as he saw the realization creeping across Kurama's face that he couldn't dodge or block it, and he smiled outright when Kurama screamed.

He really did sound arousing when he was in pain.

Eyeing the base of the plant, Karasu was preparing to inhale combustible materials and recycle them for his own use when blinding pain slashed him across the face, sending him reeling to his knees.

Kurama coughed wetly. "You see, what happens when you dismiss plants is that you forget all the important little things, such as avoiding poison ivy. Especially the sort you find in the demon world. It's not the tame little plant that waits for you to come to it. It will come to you, especially when encouraged to lash out. And its oils are more than a skin irritant."

"I noticed," Karasu gritted out as he clutched his face, feeling blood drip through his fingers. When he finally managed to get his eyes to focus, he beheld Kurama standing with the ivy twisted around him like supports. The blood running from his flesh hissed and evaporated on the ivy's surface. "And yet you seem to enjoy its touch."

"Compared to you," Kurama said thoughtfully, wiping at the blood darkly staining his lips, "it's a joy. Besides, to me it is nowhere near as poisonous."

"You prefer even plants to me," Karasu said. "I do feel snubbed."

"Well?" Kurama asked, shrugging out of the coils of the ivy and trying not to show the brief moment of dizziness that swept through him. "It injures you, and the corrosive power is great enough to keep you injured," he mused aloud.

"Yes, it is a danger to me," Karasu finished, sounding less than entertained. "But I see nothing stopping me from destroying it." He spread his hands with a flourish, eyes fixed on Kurama's. "Or you."

He savoured the moment of terror etched on Kurama's face as the stream of explosives poured from between his hands and towards the base of the plant. With the ease of practice, he sprang away and rode the blast force back, delighting in his brief flight.

Something slimy and thick closed around him with a snap, pulling him in and melting around his body with electric jolts. Karasu realized just what had been done to him a second too late, as his brain was already slowing down. He reached wildly inside him to pull out all the explosive power he could find, but –

Kurama picked himself up from the wreckage of the poison ivy and took a long, shuddering breath. The demonic version of the Venus flytrap was well accustomed to devouring things that would kill if given a chance, having evolved an electric charge into its digestive juices. The combination was enough to destroy the nerve impulses of even the most non-conductive of meals while devouring it from the outside in.

Shakily backing into the wall, Kurama slid bonelessly to the ground and waited. Either Karasu would burst free from the flytrap, a scenario which would probably leave Kurama no option but to switch forms, or the flytrap would spit out what it preferred not to digest – mainly, bones and hair.

Kurama dimly considered healing his wounds, then dismissed the thought in favour of preserving what youki he had. It had been a hell of a feat to pull two separate plants from two separate places and to drop the second one behind Karasu without the other demon noticing. But he had pulled it off, and all he could do now was wait and wish that he wouldn't have to do a similar thing any time soon.

Back when Yusuke, Hiei, Yukina, and Kuwabara had emerged into the back hallway, Yukina had made a dissatisfied face and stepped back towards the door. "Kazuma..."

"Is something wrong?" Kuwabara inquired, adding on a term of endearment so sappy that even Yukina winced slightly.

"I shan't be coming with you," Yukina said. "This is where I leave you."

"Is it because you think you're no good at fighting?" Kuwabara asked. "Because you did for the entire mob out front, right there."

"That," said Yukina with a faint blush, "was an accident. I was thinking of other things. But I truly do not want to be a part of this. I know that you think me at least somewhat bloodthirsty of late," she added with a look at Yusuke. "This is not true. I wish to leave you here. I have taken enough lives today that I do not want to be a part of the destruction of hundreds, possibly even thousands more. Also, you three show a regrettable tendency to try and protect me, which I admit that I rather need. Please, I will leave you."

Kuwabara decided to agree reluctantly to this pronouncement by engaging in a very prolonged farewell snog.

Yusuke made a faintly nauseated noise. "I have so many friends who would look incredibly hot making out, but _no._ If it were Botan instead of Kuwabara, it would show promise, but the gods mock me instead."

Hiei stared at him for a very long moment. "I," he finally said, "really did not need that mental image."

"You need that one even less," Yusuke retorted, flinging a hand at the liplocked pair by the door. "Ick. Slobbering noises."

"Why are you even paying attention?" Hiei asked with the faintly disturbed look of one who is trying desperately to ignore the topic of discussion. "Why is this even an issue right now?"

"You know, I'm considering sacrificing some of my hard-won gains just to get revenge for this moment," Yusuke said thoughtfully, gazing at Kuwabara. "Because that's just not something I ever wanted to see."

It was probably a good thing for Yusuke that Hiei knew very little of the particulars of Yusuke's death and subsequent activities before life. There would have just been too many opportunities for a thoroughly humiliating remark for Hiei to pass up. As it was, he only inquired, "Revenge?"

Yusuke allowed a thoroughly evil smile to drift across his face. "I had something in mind that might do to avenge myself for this moment, yes. And possibly you, because I think behind that poker face you're deeply considering walking up to El Zorromancer and saying 'Distract me.'"

"Oh my," said El Zorromancer. "So that's what the sucking noise was. Hello, by the by. Will they be done any time soon, or will we just be waiting here?"

"Gah," Yusuke said plaintively. "What is with all the sneak entrances and disappearing secretaries around here?"

"Oh, is Julian being reticent about his nature again?" El Zorromancer asked. "I'm not surprised, but that very reticence really should tell you what he is."

"Why are we having a cordial conversation if you want to kill me?" Yusuke decided to find out.

El Zorromancer shrugged, pulling his hair back from his bare chest. "Because I like and respect you, Urameshi Yusuke. I don't want to kill you because I want you out of my way. I wish you dead – note the difference in wording – because then I have a better chance of getting you to work for me. Really, I don't have much in the way of offensive capabilities against the living."

"Is that what Julian is for?" Yusuke asked.

El Zorromancer laughed, a beautiful and delighted sound that was severely at odds with the setting. "No. Julian is one of those people who have always harboured a secret desire to work for someone as he works for me. Some people, apparently, wish to be the invaluable second-in-command to...well, to someone who could be crudely termed a megalomaniac," El Zorromancer said modestly. "But his abilities do not run towards being crudely violent. His style is more to slip from the fingers of those who would assault him, especially when they want him most."

Yusuke had the sense that he was being given a hint. "Why do you object to telling me outright what he is?"

"I think I see," Hiei said at the same time, though his eyes had slid to Yukina hastening out the back door. "This talk probably will end very shortly."

"Oi!" Kuwabara bellowed. "What's he doing here?"

"We're having a chat about his secretary," Yusuke said dryly. "I'm really not sure why we're talking like this. Possibly it's to avoid watching you suck face with Yukina. You want to warn a guy before you do that again?"

El Zorromancer grinned engagingly. "You do like me, don't you?"

"Against my better judgement," Yusuke admitted. "But you are trying to take over three worlds, and I really would prefer you to not do that."

"Your young lady friend is clear of the building, your attractive thief friend is otherwise engaged, and we finally have the attention of that well-toned swordsman," El Zorromancer mused. "I suppose we come to blows now."

"Sir?" Julian had appeared so discreetly at El Zorromancer's side that it was a bit confusing as to whether he had actually been there all along. "Will you be requiring my services?"

Hiei slid the covering back over his third eye. "I was correct," he said to El Zorromancer. "How very interesting."

"You know what he is?" Yusuke demanded of Hiei. "Would you like to tell us before or after he uses his super power on us?"

"There won't be a super power," Hiei said dismissively.

"No," agreed El Zorromancer. "Julian _is_ a super power." Drawing Julian to his side, he continued absently, "You see, Julian West is a djinn. He never died, but after being shot twice, he couldn't continue to work for his former employer, as that employer was a human. He came to me seeking work."

"Doesn't that mean you only have limited wishes?" Kuwabara demanded.

"No, sir," Julian answered. "Those are the lower djinni, the disembodied kind that reside within objects. The higher djinni such as myself have bodies, and our wishes are our weapons."

"This is bad, isn't it?" Yusuke asked Hiei.

Hiei wasn't paying attention to him. "That is how you move," he realized. "You wish yourself somewhere."

Julian smiled politely. "That is correct, sir. I apologise if I caused you any worry over your capabilities."

"Is this bad or what?" Yusuke demanded from Hiei.

Hiei shook his head slowly. "I have no idea." Off Yusuke's look, he continued, "I only guessed because I know the stories. You wouldn't; you haven't lived in our world."

"So do we do the ass-kicking thing now?" Kuwabara asked hopefully.

"Three on two," El Zorromancer said as Julian carefully disentangled himself and stood upright. "I think I'm glad your thief is otherwise occupied."

As fate would have it, at that current time, Kurama was watching with increasing elation as the Venus flytrap spat out bone after bone. It twitched, made a gagging noise, then coughed the skull up, with hanks of black-and-blonde hair sliming from its mouth. It was a thoroughly gruesome sight, but Kurama had seen a lot of those. Carefully weaving to his feet, he started picking his way towards the back stairs in order to be useful somewhere else.

He was two steps from the bottom rung when an explosion sent flaming pieces of Venus flytrap soaring past him and into the wall.

"Not again," Kurama breathed, whirling. "Not again. Not _again!" _The deja vu was almost too overwhelming. At least, until his eyes focused.

Karasu's skeleton was more or less assembled, glowing all over with youki. Even his hair was in place. He tried to speak, but nothing came but a strange gargling from the air and clacking from his jawbone. Nevertheless, Kurama felt terribly certain that Karasu was smiling at him.

Kurama bolted for the stairs and fled into the back hallway, taking a fast inventory of all the youki he had stored and all the life force he could muster on top of that. He wasn't like Yusuke, who needed to feel that a friend was in danger before he could tap everything he had. He just had to be terrified beyond rational thought and seething with hatred at the same time. It was a feeling that Karasu had never failed to instil in him.

The sight of the hallway nearly made him stop dead, but the sensation that Karasu had to be following him gave him the strength and the initiative to flip over the first clump of people, land in the middle, and do another aerial somersault over the next group before flying off in the other direction without ever knowing where he was actually headed, aside from Not Here.

Yusuke stared at Kurama's retreating form in horror. "Look at this," he said to Hiei, holding out the blood-streaked hand he had just touched to his face and hair. "How can he be losing that much blood and still be on his feet?"

"I don't know about him, but that would do it for me," Kuwabara said, staring at the head of the stairs. Everyone followed his gaze and froze in turn.

"Oh _my_," said El Zorromancer, eyes widening. "You are quite the determined one, aren't you, my dear?"

Karasu made a soft moaning noise. It seemed about all he was capable of, but Yusuke's hair stood on end anyway. "Holy. Fucking. Shit."

"So where does that hallway lead?" Hiei asked, looking at where Kurama had gone. The hall went past the back door and banked sharply to the left, so that the red-haired demon had effectively vanished.

Julian glanced at the blood trail. "Actually, sir, it doesn't lead anywhere. It is a dead end."

"Oh my God," Kuwabara blurted as Karasu sprang over the group with the ease of someone who no longer cares about the accepted law of gravity. Or any basic rules of biology, for that matter. "That's _so_ not right."

"Yusuke," Hiei said. Something in his voice distracted Yusuke entirely from the sheer creepiness of the scene going on right then. "He'll kill himself if he has to."

"I know," said Yusuke, wishing he could let himself ache over it. "And this time I can't stop him."

"You won't," Hiei corrected, and Yusuke knew it was truth rather than accusation.

El Zorromancer heaved a breath. "My," he said, touching the blood that had been splattered across his face during Kurama's flight. "Well, my dears, are we in battle or aren't we?"

Yusuke could feel all the eyes on him, just as he could feel the heat patting him from the explosion at the end of the hallway and feel the scream punching through his ears to his brain. "I'm sorry," he said to El Zorromancer, "but I have to make you stop."

"And damn the consequences," El Zorromancer finished. "My dear, I too am sorry."

"Urameshi," Kuwabara said in his ear, sounding horrified. "You're not – ?"

Yusuke closed his eyes. "There are worse things to be than dead."

"A pretty answer to both questions," El Zorromancer said, sounding approving. "I wish you alone, my dear, but take a second if you wish. Julian – " He broke off, kissed Julian deeply, then released the djinn. "I who resurrect the dead implore you not to die."

"Of course, sir," said Julian obediently, looking at Hiei and Kuwabara in a new light.

"No, no, they'll kill each other before they touch you," Yusuke said tiredly. "You and Hiei should have fun. Kuwabara will be my second. I trust him to do what I can't."

Julian bowed. "If that is your wish, sir." He had only barely straightened up before both he and Hiei disappeared into a violent blur.

"Then come at me," El Zorromancer said, beckoning with both hands.

There was another explosion and scream from the end of the corridor. Yusuke smiled sadly and opened up everything he had to the rage and pain he felt for Kurama. "Once," he said to El Zorromancer, "my teacher asked my opponent to kill my best friend. It gave me strength that I never knew I could have."

"And now you are older and wiser in the ways of demons," El Zorromancer said. "And if you let someone dear to you do as he will against one of the ones I raised, the hatred and sorrow which gives you power is compounded by the feelings you have for yourself. My dear, you should not have had to live thus."

Yusuke looked at him with eyes that were barely sane. "I only wanted some kid with no traffic sense to live," he said, and the war was on.

* * *

OMG THE DRAMA. No, seriously, I'm having fun playing with Yusuke's head as the leader. He has such incredible trauma potential. Don't worry, he gets better.

Kladsffjkafk.df. SCARY SKELETAL KARASU ICK.

I need to keep a tally of how many pints Kurama is losing. He's going to pass out soon. Not that this is a hint; just a scientific fact that I haven't quite accounted for yet. Oh dear. 

I want to be like Julian when I grow up. Seriously.

I listened to _Megalomaniac_ for when El Zorromancer and Yusuke were talking, _Prologue_ and _The Dope Show _for Kurama and Karasu, _Hotel California_ and _Tusk _for the crazy in-between bits, and _Why_ for the rest of it. At least, those were the repeat-songs when I needed inspiration. Just thought you might actually care.

On one of the reviews of my one-shots, someone asked me if I was British, because I didn't sound American or Japanese. The truth is that I read a lot of Agatha Christie and Dorothy Sayers. Hell, I read a lot of mysteries. I also have a severe fondness for 'fics written with a sort of dark, knotty style, and when I was but a wee writer, I read many a 'fic written thus. I also have an English (UK) spell-checker that changes things on me. I use it because I learned a tendency to throw an extra u into a lot of words and to flip the re ending of words when I was also a wee writer, and I get confused easily with spell-check. And then there's the Agatha Christie and Dorothy Sayers. And Diana Wynne Jones. I also go to an international school, so I can hand in papers and type thus without anyone really...noticing.

I didn't actually answer that question, did I? AHAHA PIRATES.

* * *

**Kooriya Yui: **Yukina rocks.

**KyoHana:** I offer a tissue?

**Kurama'sGirl88:** Yes! People are actually disturbed by him! I keep hoping for that and it's never happened. Woe.

**Chichiro Ketsueki:** Yay for reviewing!

**kikira-chan:** Hurrah for the unconsciously-put-in Toshi/Weed dynamic! I've done real, live subtext!

**Nyte Kit:** Is this ending better? I'm trying to be amusing, I'm only trying to be amusing! Don't hurt me!

**Aithril the Elf-Maiden:** It's salaried, actually.

**Seijaku Kage:** I, too...

**kahuffstix:** Erm. Thank you?

**Capella Alpha Aurigae:** I'm sorry!

**Bluespark:** Being sick for the holidays is just..._inconvenient_.

**A lilmatchgirl:** There's a first time for everything, I guess.

**Inktail:** Hurrah!

**katia-chan:** I'm sorry! It just...happened.

**RehdFawx:** Erm...thank you? You're welcome?

* * *

**Don't make me parody holiday songs by sticking 'review' into them at random intervals.**


	16. in which yusuke makes a decision

**In Which Yusuke Makes A Decision**

"You're quite good, sir," said Julian, delicately bobbing on air with his hands tucked behind his back. He still had the air of not having a single hair out of place, though his suit was torn and stained with bright silvery blood. "But you seem a bit distracted."

Yusuke and El Zorromancer chose that moment to wrestle their way between Julian and Hiei and fall into another corridor. "It's hard to be focused with all these interruptions," Hiei answered. "And I do not think that I have your full attention, either."

"I'm sorry, sir, but you are correct. You don't." Julian's eyes flicked to El Zorromancer, then back. "I fear that you are more accustomed to fighting than I am, as well."

"You just wish yourself away," Hiei agreed. "You find it more honourable to avoid a battle?"

Julian nodded. "Yes, sir. I have an unfair advantage, you see, and I truly hesitate to use it."

"And that advantage is?" Hiei inquired.

"I could wish you dead and kill you on the spot," Julian said apologetically.

Hiei was momentarily puzzled. "So while we're fighting to the death, you hesitate to pull out the one thing that could drop me here and now."

Julian bounced in the air gently as he deliberated. "Well, sir," he finally said, "you are only using a sword against me. I think the word I am looking for is 'overkill'? You do not want to break out everything you have to kill a mere secretary, and I do not wish you terminate you where you stand and face the repercussions. It is very hard, when wishing, to influence living beings. This is why lower djinni are forced to grant only three wishes to whomsoever captures them."

"Would you at least wish yourself a weapon?" Hiei demanded.

"Ah," Julian said tactfully. "You would not kill me if it were not a honourable fight. My apologies, sir." With that, he touched the flat of a gently curved sabre to his forehead in a salute. "Or would you not kill me if the fight were not amusing to you?"

"You're perceptive," Hiei allowed.

Julian smiled, and his teeth were suddenly and discreetly sharper. "I wished to know, sir. Very well; you will have fun."

Hiei found himself fending off the curved blade only a heartbeat later. Realizing that this would be a test of speed and sheer skill with a sword, he completely discarded the idea of breaking out the hellfire with something akin to elation.

He _would_ have fun.

"He's fast," Yusuke noted grimly to El Zorromancer, panting slightly. The man was far taller and proportionally as muscled as Yusuke, but Yusuke had that edge of human cunning which had seen him through several fights before. It helped that Yusuke was growing steadily more furious with the world in general and dying to find someone to take it out on.

"Julian?" El Zorromancer asked with a wince. "Yes, he can be when he wishes. You're quite quick as well."

"It's that or get my head taken off by Hiei when he's feeling cranky," Yusuke shot back. "Mostly I dodge, though. He can do entire fucking strategies at that speed. I don't know how he _thinks_ that fast." He was on El Zorromancer before the sentence ended, punching and kicking whatever he could reach out of sheer desperation. So far the man had simply shrugged off all the injuries, barely resisting the shock waves Yusuke could incur. Yusuke was starting to wonder if the man had learned a few tricks from all the dead people he had encountered along the way, because he looked nothing more than winded and slightly bruised.

"I have very good control of my youki," said El Zorromancer breathlessly when Yusuke articulated these thoughts in frustration. "It's the first thing a necromancer learns. If I couldn't focus my youki to block your attacks wherever I needed them, I would be worthless at projecting myself," he ducked Yusuke's punch, "or at removing or replacing souls," he hit Yusuke on the side of the neck with a stray hand, "or at using my youki to repair dead flesh."

"Yeah, well, I trained with Genkai," Yusuke said, landing a solid fist in El Zorromancer's solar plexus and feeling the larger man fold up with some distant pleasure. "So I just had to do it right."

El Zorromancer choked up blood, then wiped his mouth. "So I see. My dear," he began carefully. "If he dies, he doesn't have to come back. I can ensure it."

Yusuke lashed out almost blindly, catching El Zorromancer across the jaw. "I'm not going to think about that right now," he said, forcing calm into his voice. "Don't try and distract me from you. It won't save you."

"I have asked for it," El Zorromancer agreed. "I made my bid for power. If I lose, I fail. If I win...I could use you to kill all three of your friends. It would be cruel and distasteful, and you would resent me much. I would not prefer it, but it is something that I could do."

"That," Yusuke said, horrified, "makes Karasu look fucking _sane._"

"I'm just letting you know that although many people find me intriguing, amusing, and otherwise pleasant company," El Zorromancer said modestly, "I have also dreamed of what I plan to do for some time. I am nothing if not determined. And if I sent you against them, you would win. One would not fight you, one is already dying, and the last would die at your hands, however unwillingly."

Yusuke suppressed the urge to punch El Zorromancer without abandon and instead peered at the demon critically. "Are you _trying_ to provoke me?"

El Zorromancer smiled, displaying bloody teeth. "Perhaps I wish to see for myself just how far you can go. Unlike your sadly underworked thief, no one has returned to challenge you personally. Given more time, this could have been engineered, but..." He shrugged elaborately. "Now is not the time for me to detail my regrets. Please, come at me as you will."

The switch from deranged would-be dictator to polite opponent was a little more than Yusuke's brain could handle. "Would you pick an approach and stay with it?" he demanded angrily.

"So be it," El Zorromancer said lightly. "Shall I enumerate how I would have you kill them, or would that be too crude?"

"Oh, shut _up,"_ Yusuke ordered, taking a swing.

Standing guard by the back door, alternately bored out of his skull and worried sick, was Kuwabara. He had realized rather quickly that Yusuke's fight was a one-man deal, and he wouldn't have jumped in with Hiei and Julian for the world, even if he could actually keep up with their pace. Likewise, he didn't even consider going within fifteen feet of Kurama. This left him with very little to do but stand by the door, sulk mightily, and wait for someone else to pop up for convenient arse-kicking.

"Sir?" Julian quietly materialized at his side, bobbing several inches above the ground with a bloody sword in one hand and a certain exotic sharpness about his face that had not been there previously. "You seem to have been neglected. May I be of assistance?"

Kuwabara cast about frantically for Hiei. Said fire demon was holding an equally bloody sword and looking much more entertained than Kuwabara felt. "Would you suppress your secretarial instincts to please for one bloody fight?"

Making a dismissive noise, Kuwabara said scornfully, "We can play once the midget loses."

"Really, sir?" Julian asked. "Are you sure you wouldn't prefer to be entertained now?"

"I'll pass," Kuwabara said hastily. "Question, though. Why the hell are you floating?"

Julian looked politely surprised. "Should I not, sir?"

"Ignore him," Hiei advised. "He's probably still convinced that your permanent residence is a lamp. He gets like that sometimes."

"The most fantastical stories always travel the farthest," Julian said diplomatically. "If you will excuse us, sir?"

"Yes, go away," Hiei agreed.

Kuwabara felt thoroughly snubbed when the two disappeared back into a black blur that glittered with flashing blades. "Fine," he said. "I will. Thanks so much for making me feel _needed._" With that, he turned and sulked out the door.

"Kazuma!" Yukina leapt out of the Cthulhu car and dashed up to him. "Where are the others? What happened? You don't look hurt. Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine," Kuwabara said peevishly, going over to the car and flopping into one of its many seats with a pout. "Kurama is getting the shit kicked out of him, Hiei and that secretary genie person are having a swordfight faster than the eye can see, and Yusuke is in a wrestling match with El Zorromancer. None of the enemy feels up to the might of Kuwabara the Great."

"How is that going?" Weed asked, his knuckles whitening on the steering wheel. "I mean, El Zorromancer and the death stuff?"

"Yusuke was screaming that he was a sick fuck a little bit earlier," Kuwabara said. "He's not happy. I don't foresee a peaceful ending for that one."

"Oh," said Weed softly, putting his head down on the steering wheel. "Well then."

Kuwabara awkwardly patted him on the shoulder. "I guess I'll go back in now. Kuwabara the Great turns into Progress Report Man." He kissed Yukina briefly, then turned and slouched back into the building.

There was a moment of silence which Toshi shattered by screeching, "Wait! Kurama's fucking _losing?_ Dirty pool!"

Inside, Kurama was totally unaware of Yusuke slowly but thoroughly wearing down El Zorromancer, of how miserably useless Kuwabara was feeling, or of Hiei's efforts to out-think a sword-fighting djinn who could make anything come true with a wish. At the moment, all he was thinking about was how very much it hurt to be flung into a wall, even if it was only the shock wave of an explosion and not the actual fire itself.

Karasu made his now-trademark unearthly moan again, stepping towards Kurama lazily and distracting the fox demon from trying to decide whether he should throw everything he could muster into summoning another plant or if he should just give up, slip into his full youko form, and pray like hell that he survived. The tricky part about the decision was that Kurama could swear that there was some kind of soul-stealing plant, but he was damned if he could remember just what and where it was. He had been stalling like crazy so far, but it really hadn't gotten him anywhere, aside from three inches into a few nearby walls.

Wavering to his feet, Kurama walked straight into one explosive, staggered back, and felt metal prongs close around one outstretched arm and both ankles, shackling him to the wall, floor, and three more bombs simultaneously.

Kurama had never liked cages, traps, or any sort of restraints. He also really didn't like being systematically ripped apart. These two factors combined with a skeletal Karasu grinning at him drained the blood from his still mostly untouched face. "Can you even hear it when I scream any more, or is it all arbitrary?" he asked bitterly.

Karasu nodded and made another small moan, which set off all three bombs at once.

In the middle of screaming bloody murder with tears running down his face and blood dripping afresh from his arm and legs, Kurama had a thoroughly fiendish idea. It was one of those ideas where if it didn't kill him, he ran a very good chance of being arrested, but he was beyond caring about such trivial details.

It wasn't like he'd never broken out of prison before.

He was halfway through whispering the invocation through bitten lips when Karasu strode over and picked him up by the neck with one bony hand, making a triumphant-sounding moan.

Choking out the last three words with what remained of his air, Kurama felt the summons take hold with violence, ripping out the youki it demanded as a sacrifice and devouring it. Karasu felt it as well, closing finger bones around Kurama's throat.

"After all this," Kurama said, though there was no air to give his words any volume, "you'll just strangle me?" He reached out with his left hand and gripped the object floating down from a purple haze in the air, crushing it in his fingers.

Karasu made a chiding noise before taking a hand from Kurama's throat and touching Kurama's closed fingers. Kurama felt a cold jolt from his left arm, then nothing at all.

Dropping the demon, Karasu watched with interest as Kurama crumpled unconscious to the floor, the remnants of whatever he had summoned glimmering around them both. With a satisfied gargle, he pulled Kurama back to his feet and backhanded him across the face, leaving faint but oddly attractive lines over his cheekbones.

"Nn," said Kurama, blinking. Two seconds later had him fully conscious and trying to back farther into the wall as he realized how badly hurt he must be as well as how very close Karasu was to him.

Karasu felt a deep, indescribable sense of wonder and elation as he realized that he was not far from the kill. Putting fingers under Kurama's chin as he stripped off the leather collar (and how intriguing that he had worn it!), he started to look thoughtfully at the signature he had left, then stiffened when he saw the condition the scar was in.

"I thought you'd heard about that," Kurama said, a slow, mocking smile slipping across his face. "Besides, you seem to know so very well that I like it...rough."

Karasu backhanded him again, this time in fury. His mouth worked, but he could do nothing more than cause the air around him to shimmer with angry groans.

"I want to thank you," Kurama continued, trying to make the most of his temporary advantage. "You scattered my plant farther than I could have ever needed. You don't like horticulture, but I think you'll want to hear about this one anyway. The use of this plant is highly restricted, because you can use it to arbitrarily summon someone to you. Most of these types of things require precise parameters and consent, but this one is far more powerful and thus does not. And when the person is there, you can request something of them. Many warlords use it to get free assassinations done by people who mean nothing to them, or for interrogation purposes."

Tightening his grip on Kurama's throat to stop the flow of words, Karasu nevertheless found himself hearing, "I summon the succubus who traumatised Yusuke here." This was such flagrant cheating, Karasu felt, that he was justified in pressing his thumbs down over the big veins in Kurama's neck.

Stars exploded across Kurama's vision. His eyes flickered once, then slid halfway shut as his brain quietly started to shut down. Karasu found this dissatisfying and shifted his grip to cover Kurama's trachea alone. The pleasure, when Kurama woke up with a pained gasp and tears starting in his eyes, sickeningly dizzy and fighting for air before he was even fully conscious, was intense enough for Karasu to really start to regret not having much in the way of flesh and muscle.

They were called the pleasures of the flesh for a reason, of course.

"Hmph," said a female voice from behind him abruptly. "I offered him nothing he didn't want. How dare you summon me thus? I'm working for Koenma now! I'm all respectable!"

Karasu wished he could have his tongue back for the express purpose of asking Kurama just how he fancied completing this highly irregular tactic (and oh so illegal at that) without being able to make his request. However, he had a bit of an idea that he was communicating it anyway, what with the manual strangulation. It was rather how he had dreamed of killing Kurama, with blood dripping everywhere and life dissolving under his own grasping fingers, frantic terror in his eyes and that incredibly erotic expression that declared that Kurama knew just how long these next three minutes before death would be.

Really, it was a pity about his body. Perhaps he wouldn't kill him yet. He might keep him unconscious and broken until he was regenerated, and _then_ kill him.

Karasu liked that idea rather a lot.

Kurama, meanwhile, hadn't quite counted on being strangled before he could speak, but clung desperately to lucidity and the function of his limbs. Karasu didn't seem to notice when he took one hand from trying to loosen the skeletal grip and instead pointed to the succubus, at Karasu, then back to the succubus.

Karasu _did_ notice when the succubus inhaled obediently, her eyes rolling up behind her lids and her mouth curving into the smile of a sated predator. His extremities fell apart first, with all the little bones of his hands clattering around Kurama's feet. Dizzily sliding to the ground, Kurama watched as Karasu's youki and life force twined together and were pulled from his bones and into the mouth of the succubus.

The head fell last, gazing at him malevolently with an open mouth and blind eye sockets before it clattered to the ground, teeth and hair falling free.

"How very rude of you!" said the succubus when intelligence returned to her eyes, stamping one foot. "There was nothing for me but his soul! There was no body for me to _have. _It always tastes so much better when I can have them all the way. It's orgasmic in more ways than one."

"I'm sure," Kurama whispered, adding talking to the long mental list of Actions Which Hurt Like Hell.

The succubus pouted. "I don't appreciate being your mindless soul-sucking _tool._"

"I forgot the name of the plant that does the same thing," Kurama breathed apologetically.

The succubus eyed him, then giggled. "I'll forgive it for a pretty demon like you. Give a girl a goodbye kiss?"

Kurama decided that it would be a choice moment to pass out, and promptly did so.

"Hmph," said the succubus. "At least it was a tasty request." Stepping carefully over the remnants of Karasu, she licked Kurama's temple with a farewell air. "And a tasty requester," she whispered to Kurama as the plant he had summoned began to draw her back to the border.

Around the corner, Hiei had managed to knock Julian's sabre away and land on the secretary's chest, blade pointed at the djinn's throat. "This can't continue indefinitely," Hiei said. "But if I slit your throat, will it kill you?"

"I shan't let myself die until El Zorromancer no longer needs me, sir," Julian answered. "Do not worry, however. This will not continue indefinitely." With that, he made a sweeping motion along Hiei's torso, then sprang to his feet in a motion that threw Hiei into the wall, a knife glittering in one hand.

"Oh," said Hiei quietly, feeling blood stream from the slice Julian had inflicted. The wound ranged from his left hip to his right clavicle and had cut so deeply that blood was already welling in the back of his throat as a result.

Julian tucked both hands behind his back and bobbed absently in the air on the other side of the hallway, looking at the damage he had done. "I am sure, sir, that you heal quickly. I am also sure that you could hurt me without needing to move, though possibly at the expense of your life, if you divert too much energy from repairing yourself. Of course you know, sir, what wounds to the intestines and stomach invariably do."

Hiei knew very well. "Is this a prelude to your walking away?"

"No, sir," said Julian. "I wish to keep fighting." As he spoke, the various wounds which Hiei had sliced into his flesh and bone all quietly sealed up and disappeared, leaving only silvery smears of blood to mark where they had been.

Carefully sliding to his feet, Hiei came to terms with how elegantly he had been put at a disadvantage. "Good. Because even if you hadn't, I've never been good at obeying others' wishes."

At the other end of the hallway, Yusuke stood over El Zorromancer, shaking the feeling back into one hand. "You've lost a lot of power in the past few days, what with raising the dead and healing them and breaking open the hells and all that. You're running out."

"But what a lovely ride it has been, my dear," El Zorromancer said, making no move to get up from the floor. "You are correct. Any further and I will be tapping my life force, which is already on the meagre side."

"Then go on and tap it," Yusuke hissed. "Or are you going to give up your plans so easily?"

"Remember, my dear, I have tried this sort of thing before," El Zorromancer said gently. "Each time, I gain a little more. This time, I was enough of a threat for the rulers of each world to notice me. Next time...?"

"There will be a next time?" Yusuke asked, eyebrows raised.

El Zorromancer smiled up at him. "Not if you kill me now. That _is_ what you do, is it not?"

There was a screeching roar from farther down the hallway, followed by the sound of fire tearing through cement and steel like paper. "It is," said Yusuke, raising one hand slowly and pointing at El Zorromancer's head.

El Zorromancer's eyes flicked to the black fire splashing towards them. "_Au revoir_, Urameshi Yusuke."

Yusuke closed his eyes and fired.

It was not until some time later that he opened his eyes. "I think you got him."

Glancing at Kuwabara, Yusuke said simply, "Oh."

Kuwabara hurried into speech. "Well, you fired, and then he vanished. I've never seen that before. And the secretary guy seems to have totally vaporized, too."

"I may have missed," Yusuke said meditatively. "Remember, his secretary had the ability to wish himself to places."

"I think you just totally destroyed him," Kuwabara said as Yusuke suddenly wobbled and put a hand on the wall to steady himself. "I wish someone would have let me have a piece of this, though."

"You wouldn't have lasted a minute." Hiei had slid back to the ground in the charred area of the hallway, blood pooling freely around him. Against his dark hair and the bright splashes of blood on his face and hands, his skin was even more greyish pale than normal.

"Oh my God," Kuwabara said. "That doesn't look healthy."

"Bastard had a knife," Hiei said expressionlessly. "I've never liked knives. Too personal."

"Where's Kurama?" Yusuke asked, pushing off the wall.

"Well, I don't hear anything exploding," Kuwabara hazarded, "so probably not around here?"

Yusuke made a dissatisfied face and strode away. Rounding the bend at the end of the hallway, he stopped dead in his tracks, barely noticing when Kuwabara walked straight into him. "Oh sweet Jesus."

"Shit," Kuwabara completed, staring over his shoulder. Karasu was in several hundred bony pieces, with Kurama sitting very still at their centre, hair falling in his face and blood splashed everywhere. "Kurama!"

For several long, heart-stopping moments, there was no response. Yusuke finally looked at Kuwabara and said, "Well, maybe he's unconscious."

"I don't see breathing," Kuwabara pronounced.

"Damn," Yusuke said in the tones of one who has been trying to avoid thinking about such a thing. "This isn't happening."

There was an impatient sigh. "You two are sentimental idiots," Hiei said disinterestedly, slipping past them and sinking down to sit next to Kurama. "Are you done gloating?" he continued, grabbing something from under Kurama's hair and pulling it away.

Kurama made a face and took the iPod headphones back. "I am not _gloating,_" he said hoarsely.

"Don't give us heart attacks like that, dammit!" Kuwabara screeched. "Are you breathing? Are you dead?"

Hiei made a disgusted noise and put one hand to Kurama's neck. "His heart's beating, if that's what you want to know."

"Ow," said Kurama, knocking Hiei's hand away. "I'm already in enough pain. Stop aggravating it," he said with as much heat as he could muster through a bruised windpipe. This motion was enough to make him dizzy all over again. "Hell," he murmured, putting both hands to his head in an effort to make the room stop spinning.

Yusuke stomped viciously on a few stray bones as he made his way over to Kurama. "Here," he said, picking up the demon. "I feel like death gently warmed over, but since you're a skinny bastard and we can deduct a few pints of blood from your weight, I think I can swing this. Kuwabara, you want to go tell Yukina that she's going to be putting in a little overtime on this one? Don't you dare collapse on me right now," he added threateningly to Hiei. "If you bleed out here, there will be indignities visited upon you to which you will not wish to wake."

"I'm up," Hiei snapped, though he was greyer than ever. "Now what?"

Yusuke marvelled at the telling power of extreme pain, if it made Hiei actually ask for direction. "We go and bleed all over Weed's car, that's what. Do you think he carries some convenient blood substitute? Because it's looking like we're going to need it."

* * *

The reason Karasu more or less killed Kurama was because I frankly didn't fare much better against the sod. It was damn hard to make him stay dead, fuck it. HARD.

Hands up for all those who wanted to be the succubus in this chapter.

Kdjf;lakjdf FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING. weepeth

I withhold information from your pathetic souls! BWAHAHA!

* * *

**Katia-chan:** You have a lelola account! Oh, and if you're on cold medicine, get better!

**Kurama'sGirl88:** Behold! Random sentimentality in the end of the chapter!

**KyoHana:** I will do. Happy holidays to you too!

**Maxwell:** One can but dream about their SAT scores.

**Deannamay:** Erm...sorry?

**RehdFawx:** Well, that's the end of skeleton!Karasu, so...

**Nyte Kit:** I am that.

**Bluespark:** ...that would be where my creativity ended, right there. Eheh.

**Aithril the Elf-Maiden:** Stay tuned for further information. Bwahaha.

**Seijaku Kage:** I have a great fear of small children.

* * *

**It's gratuitous gift season! Or, um, gratuitous review season. Whichever.**


	17. in which kurama avoids being arrested

**in which kurama avoids being arrested**

Yukina was bouncing impatiently in the Cthulhu car with her eyes fixed on the door and her hands pressed to her mouth. In a way, it had almost been more reassuring to have fire gouting from the windows and bits of the building being blown off in comparison with the lifeless silence. The sound of the building's back door opening was so loud that her blood ran cold with shock.

The first person out the door was Kuwabara. He was smeared liberally with blood, but none of it seemed to be his. He didn't look drained or half-dead, merely relieved into fatigue. "Yukina," he called hoarsely, going over to her and clutching her hands. "We have a few problems."

"What kind of problems?" Yukina asked, slipping from the car and looking to the door, which Hiei had just wandered from.

Kuwabara followed her gaze. "That kind of problem."

"That's a singular problem," Yukina said, knowing she wasn't going to like this. "Where are the other two?"

"Hi, Yukina," Yusuke said wearily, kicking the door shut after him and depositing a very unconscious Kurama on one of the back seats. "Help," he added, practically falling into the car after the demon.

Kuwabara booted him into the car with the ease of someone who does such things on a regular basis and has learned to not comment on it. "Please be able to do something."

Yukina pursed her lips and thought, though her eyes tracked Hiei's bloody progress. "I can do some. These are very extensive injuries and I have done much with my youki lately. I shall have to hope that their ability to heal quickly is still at least functioning."

"Hey, I have a question." Every conscious person looked at the speaker. "If you're here, acting like you've won, _why am I still alive?_" There was a pause. "Er. Dead, I mean."

"Wait," Kuwabara said, staring at an equally bemused Weed. "So did his death not kill you after all? Or did he just...?"

"I don't know," Weed replied, exasperated. "Do you?" he asked Toshi.

Toshi looked around the inside of the car thoughtfully. "I can't tell you that, but I think this might be the Kremlin's old pimp car. I missed that during World War Three over there."

"Don't make me hit the tentacle button," Weed warned, his fingers drifting to an area under the ignition. "I will if I have to."

Toshi looked boot-faced and turned the radio on instead.

Weed turned carefully to face the windshield, suppressing a smile. "Let's talk about my other function. Would you like me to drive you somewhere?"

Yukina jumped up into the back of the car. "Bless you," she said gratefully to Weed. "I have an idea. In these past few days, have you ever heard of Genkai's temple?"

"Yeah. If you don't want to be undead, go see her. Word gets around universities quickly," Weed said, putting the car in gear. "If you give me directions, I'll go wherever you want."

"We will," Yukina agreed. "And please don't crash."

This was as far as Yusuke followed the conversation before he fell asleep on one of the bench seats. It had, after all, been rather a while since he had gotten any real rest.

When he dreamed, they were beautiful figments where the dead roamed the streets with their pretty waxen faces like one saw on television, going about their business without a flicker of life in them. Yusuke ran mindlessly through the streets, looking at his own thrice-dead hands, and cried formaldehyde tears when he was lost.

The tears were still in his eyes when someone prised open an eyelid, hissing urgently in his ear, though they were only of the ordinary saline variety. "What," he ground out with a mouth that tasted unpleasantly of old blood, "are you doing?"

"Checking for any sign of bleeding in your brain," Genkai said gruffly.

Yusuke sat upright with a scowl. "And with your myriad powers, you couldn't do that while I was _asleep?_"

"You didn't seem to like your dreams," Genkai informed him while he blinked and looked around. "I was right, however; your skull is far too thick for some necromancer to have cracked it."

Scrubbing at his eyes and hesitating to wonder who had dumped him into the main room of Genkai's temple, Yusuke retorted, "My dreams were very pretty, thank you."

"But you didn't like them," Genkai said astutely, and it was then that Yusuke realized that his eyes were still watering. "Besides, if you can function, you can be useful. Up."

"I," Yusuke said pitifully, making no move to obey, "hurt."

Genkai stood and gazed down at him unrelentingly. "It serves you right, letting yourself get pummelled by some skeleton dancer. You've had worse."

"Argh," Yusuke moaned, stumbling to his feet and looking around. It was much darker than he had remembered it being outside, with Shizuru sitting on the railing of the porch and blowing smoke rings into the still air while Kuwabara regaled her with tales and baited his kitten into chasing miniature aura swords across the deck and back. Weed was placidly sweeping the other side of the room while Keiko crawled around in a _most_ appealing position with a bucket of something pungent and chemical, mopping at blood stains and things that Yusuke quietly filed away under 'dead juices' and refused to think on more. "I thought you were taking in scads of zombies," he finally said. "I don't see them."

"Their souls have departed," Genkai said. "The bodies we disposed of. Since you got here, no other undead have arrived, excepting your companions."

"Kuwabara is there," Yusuke continued in his attempt to comprehend his environs. "Where is Yukina?"

Genkai looked a shade repressive. "Bathing. You missed the original excitement, which is why you ought to go over there and help with the washing up. All that crawling around on the floor will do your stiff muscles good."

Yusuke's mind was still failing to come up with a complete tally. "Mum. Hiei. Kurama. Freak-ass zombie with a filthy mouth."

"They're here," Genkai said, exasperated. "Help Keiko and then look for them yourself," she added, turning him around and steering him towards the girl.

Yusuke slouched over, dropped to the floor next to Keiko, and said, "Hi."

"Good to know that you're all right," Keiko said evenly.

"Oh lord," muttered Yusuke. "No, I didn't keep you informed, and I am _sorry,_ but what was there to tell you? I was barely keeping track of the people I was actively working with! I didn't even know how many people were involved in this until I passed out in his car," he added with a nod at Weed. "But I wish I could have...talked to you," he said, though his voice broke. "It's not that I've done things. It's that I can be devastatingly passive about things until it's too late. I think things that I physically couldn't say. I let people die, and I let people get away, and it's all to further myself." He hadn't meant to say all of this, but it had come gushing out under the influence of Keiko's bleak eyes and the reek of the antiseptic. The first made him desperately garrulous, the second made him dizzy.

"Hm," said Keiko. She then picked up her sponge and planted it squarely on Yusuke's head, sending burning rivulets down his scalp. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself," she ordered. "Yes, you have the capacity to be a horrible person! And sometimes you are! But you're careful with it, and the fact that you know when to use it says more than if you never did. And I love you for it," she added, touching his face with grimy fingers, "and those you think you have betrayed may not love you as I do, but you have their command and their respect, and from them, that would be more than any love they could spare you."

Yusuke's brain had been about two words behind throughout this entire speech, having taken a short break at the sponge-dumping stage. "Wait," he finally gabbled. "'Love they could spare me'?" he demanded.

"Well, I'm not blind," Keiko replied, plucking the sponge from his head. "Oh dear. Erm. Yusuke? I reiterate that I love you and trust you to be a good person when such behaviour is needed."

Yusuke's heart had decided to relocate to his large intestine sometime during this speech. "What have you done to my hair?"

"This is very strong," Keiko said evasively, hefting the sponge. "You have a bit of a greeny-gold splash on the ends of your hair now."

"Christ," said Yusuke, wanting to beat his head on the floor but not daring.

"I can take your mind off it," Keiko suggested primly, setting the sponge down. "At least for the time being."

Yusuke scanned around for a disapproving Genkai or a far-too-approving mother. "Help."

After the first minute or so, Weed made a face and went back to sweeping out the corners for Keiko to scrub, if she ever managed to divert herself. "Is everyone around here getting action but me?" he finally asked the room. "And me with my girlfriend much more alive than I am and very far away. Hell," he said miserably, and retreated into a corner to sweep the same patch of floor morosely and to brood.

Weed had reckoned without Toshi, but that zombie had recently gotten enough (very abusive) action to be perfectly content with his lot in life, and was instead making his way onto the back porch on his fifth chain-smoked cigarette, having been chased from the temple by Genkai. "I'm hoping," he explained to the porch's other occupant, "that if I smoke enough, it will all just...go away."

"Not enough nicotine in the world," whispered Kurama. He was sitting against the side of the temple in a manner that managed to convey that he had no energy to speak of and would thus be there for a very long time. The flayed patches on his skin were scabbed over and wriggling at the edges as they healed, though the nail marks on his neck and the scratches from being twice slapped remained. The bruises like two skeletal hands wrapped around his neck, matching the tone of the skin under his eyes.

"And you look like hell," Toshi said conversationally. "Tell me, if you're good enough to be up and about – I use the term loosely, but that's not the point – only six or so hours after your horrible, screaming near-demise, why is it that you're still bruised?"

"Worst injuries first," Kurama said softly. "Why waste energy on small things when I'm endangered by the large? I've never understood human repair systems. Everything so slowly, and always at the same pace. I'm tapped out; I've got very little to heal myself with. I have been branded by worse."

"I was lucky," Toshi realized. "I could just go and have myself healed."

Kurama looked at him, noticing how most of the clothes he wore had been blown away. "I suppose that makes the point of changing back moot," he murmured aloud. "Were you badly hurt?"

"I was..." Toshi swallowed. "I knew I was dead, but I thought I was going to die again. But you were hurt worse, I think." He leaned on the railing and exhaled, though doing so did nothing for him. "You're very quiet now. In volume, not in quantity of speech."

"I can't be any louder," Kurama replied. "Talking is painful."

Flinging his cigarette down and stepping on it, Toshi crossed over to sit next to Kurama. "All right," he said. "Now that I can hear you, I want you to tell me just how you killed him. Everything. Every little scratch you inflicted. Every last detail."

Kurama's eyes shifted to the right, delving into memory. "I can do that for you."

Toshi had learned to demand explicitness in promises. It didn't make the promises any less broken, but he didn't waste time cursing himself for a fool when they fell through. "Will you?"

"Yes," Kurama said with an odd half-smile. "Yes, I will."

As Kurama began to explain in precise detail his altercation with Karasu from beginning to end, a small conclave was gathering in the front room with the recently-arrived Botan as its centre of attention. "So," she finally said, noticing that a rather large number of eyes were fixed on her. "Er. I. Uh. Koenma-sama sent me to come get you he said there's a letter for you he wants to talk it's really bizarre I don't think he's very happy!"

There was a moment of bewildered silence in which many a person attempted to parse that sentence. "Did I miss the memo on no longer including punctuation in speech?" Weed finally guessed.

"I think Botan is excited," Yukina said gravely. After her bath, she had been left with very little in the way of usable clothing and now wore the most incredible mishmash of clothes that could only have been produced by three people of unsuitable size all proffering outfits at once. To her credit, she wore them well. "What is this about a letter?"

Botan drew a long breath, then said in measured tones, "There is a letter addressed to Yusuke in care of Koenma-sama. We are waiting for you to come and open it."

"Koenma is a nosy sod," Yusuke said unflatteringly. "Why didn't he just open it himself?"

"Koenma-sama suspects letter bombs," Botan said primly. "The Sovereign State of the Locust People sent him one just yesterday."

There was a pause as everyone tried to assimilate this. "And?" Kuwabara finally asked.

"It went off," Botan said, hesitating over the words apologetically, "but as it was from...well, locusts, it wasn't very...big. But if one came from the other group inclined to send him ticking mail, it probably would be of an appropriate size."

Yusuke blinked. "So I get to open the ticking mail instead."

"I'm not sure that you should be opening letter bombs," Atsoko said thoughtfully. "Remember that anthrax stuff?" Yusuke deigned to look greatly put-upon rather than to answer.

"Well, we don't know that it's ticking," Botan reassured him. "It wasn't when I left. Very expensive-looking paper. Lovely handwriting. No return address."

"Oh, good!" Kuwabara burst out. "So we only just narrowly escape being blown halfway to kingdom come, we kick the required ass, and yet here Koenma is, inviting us to get ourselves blown up. _Again._"

Botan surveyed the group. "I only mentioned the bomb because Koenma-sama did," she defended herself. "I'm sure it's just a letter. But now that you mention it, is this everyone?"

"No," Yusuke said. "We're missing three people."

"Oh," replied Botan. "To be honest, I'm only looking for four of this very large party. Two of whom are conspicuously absent. Hence my question."

Rising from the floor on which he had been sitting, Yusuke offered, "I'll have a look. They've got to be at least conscious by now. I think. I hope. I _pray_."

"Oh," Botan said again when he had gone. "So they're badly off. I wouldn't have thought, to look at you," she said frankly to Kuwabara. "It looked like it had been Yusuke's fight."

Kuwabara puffed up. "I served an important part," he announced. "I navigated. I held the doors. I was everyone's second. I dodged things. I mocked people. I helped Yukina. I carried all the unconscious people around."

"He made threatening overtures beautifully," Yukina agreed.

Botan eyed Kuwabara. "You're getting really sick of this," she assessed.

"I never get the good stuff," Kuwabara agreed. "What the hell?"

Gnawing on the inside of her lip, Botan finally hedged, "You could ask Koenma-sama for something to do."

"He does have the locust people to worry about," Kuwabara said wisely.

By then, Yusuke had investigated his way to the back porch, whereupon he struck gold. "Kurama. Hiei. We're leaving," he announced, leaning out the door.

"Waugh!" Toshi screeched, looking around wildly. "Where are all these people coming from? There was only us here last I checked!"

"He showed up when I started explaining how I'd killed Karasu," Kurama explained, pointing to Hiei, "and Yusuke just got here. Where are we going once we leave?"

"Koenma's," Yusuke said shortly. "There's a letter for me. I've got a damn good idea who it's from."

Kurama radiated innocence. "Was there any mention of jail time and me in the same sentence?"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Yusuke said. "Moving on. Is this party back here done yet?"

"I had finished, yes," Kurama said, slipping to his feet with a wince.

There was a very long silence. "Kurama," Yusuke finally said, looking the fox demon over for the third time and still not quite believing his eyes. This was, after all, the first time he'd seen Kurama since he'd carried him dripping with blood from the wreckage of Karasu's body. "What on God's fucking green earth are you _wearing?_"

Kurama flushed as well as he could, being down a few pints of blood. "I...um...didn't exactly...think about it..." and quietly slunk into the temple without further comment.

Yusuke raked him with his eyes one last time, said, "Oo-er," and decided to desist ogling Kurama before the speculative looks from both sides got to be too much.

"I thought you had a girl," Hiei finally said.

"I do," Yusuke said weakly.

There was another pause. "I see." With this enlightened statement, Hiei left as well.

Toshi watched Yusuke turn a funny shade of magenta, mutter something to the floor, and hoof it back into the house. It was only when the door was firmly shut after him, however, that Toshi allowed himself to burst out laughing.

After the past few days, he had a right to be paranoid about such things.

Once Yusuke set foot in Koenma's office, however, he completely forgot about such things as the attire of comrades, though the guards were all still gawking. "What letter is this?" he demanded in lieu of a greeting.

"What have you done to your hair?" Koenma shot back.

Yusuke coloured. "Keiko hit me with a sponge. Give me the letter so I can blow my head off and be done with it."

Koenma poked a thick, cream-coloured envelope across his desk with a stick. "It's all yours. Do you want to step back in case it explodes?"

"Haven't we had enough explosions?" Kuwabara asked plaintively. "Oh, and speaking of explosions, how are the hells?"

"Closed," Koenma said shortly.

"Mmph," Yusuke said as he wrestled the envelope open and shook out the paper. "I had a feeling I'd be getting this," he said, scanning the contents. "'On behalf of the severely diminished office of El Zorromancer, we would like to congratulate you on your success and thank you for a lovely fight. We hope the four of you recover well so that we might meet again on some other auspicious date. You were correct that the year in the Calendar of the Great Twonk is in actuality 686, but it was amusing to El Zorromancer to see if you could find that small mathematical error. As you may surmise, this office has a way to see and hear the goings-on of the room in which you most likely now stand, but we regret to say that we will not be giving you more information on that point. Again, our thanks for a truly challenging battle. I remain your faithful servant, Julian West.'"

"Figures," Kuwabara said gloomily.

Koenma sighed. "I'll keep it in mind. Jorge! Have the office searched for bugs again!" he bellowed into a nearby corridor. "Now!"

Jorge emerged, looking flustered. "Koenma-sama, there's this young woman," he started ineffectively, as the creature in question had irritably followed him into the room.

"Not another one," Koenma muttered, glaring at the girl. "No. No live humans. None! I don't care how unequal you find it!"

The girl pouted. "Hmph. See me doing you a good deed again. I'm here because you told me to be."

Yusuke turned slightly mauve. "Oh no," he said with great trepidation. "Not you."

"Hello, little man," said the succubus. "You're looking well."

Koenma looked a bit martyred. "Right. That. I was hoping to avoid that. Kurama."

"Yes?" Kurama inquired blankly.

Koenma glared. "Don't do that. You know what I'm talking about."

"No," Kurama replied with the perfect amount of bewildered confusion as to when he should have entered the conversation. "No, not really."

"You used a _venias_ plant," Koenma said. "Which falls very neatly into the 'thoroughly illegal' category."

There was a good deal of chaos that ensued here. Kurama merely deigned to look confused. Kuwabara and Yusuke both tried to outshout each other in asking about the plant's properties before realizing they were after the same thing, then both decided to yell at Koenma instead when answered by Jorge. Botan looked studiously blank, Hiei muttered, "Figures," and the succubus took advantage of this mayhem to steal a perch on Koenma's desk.

"Oh shut up!" Koenma finally bawled. "I know you used it, you know you used it, and I know you're not sorry!"

Kurama looked up from examining his nails. "Pardon?"

"There's a reason I like you law-abiding," Koenma said. "You're a pain in the ass when you're not. I really ought to toss you in jail here and now."

"But you won't," Kurama replied, going back to his fingernails. "I really haven't done anything."

Koenma huffed. "I think you're missing the point. The reason I wanted you to behave during this entire operation was because I am new to this post and don't relish being knocked off it for indulging your whims."

"What whim was this?" Yusuke decided that this was the important point.

The succubus shifted impatiently on the desk. "He summoned me and bade me to eat a soul from its dead bones," she complained. "I did this thing as I was bound to do. I am not, to wit, angry. Why am I here?"

Kuwabara blinked. "Okay, whoa. First off, Koenma, you did not _see_ those bones running around on their own. If you had, you would agree with all of us that we don't give a damn what had to be done to make them stop running around on their own. Second...um. I don't have a second."

"I knew it," Hiei muttered.

Koenma looked a bit thrown. "Would someone please see this from my point of view?" he asked plaintively.

Kurama looked at him curiously. "Oh? Am I supposed to care about your point of view? I _am_ sorry; I'd forgotten about that in the midst of my incredibly criminal doings."

Groaning, Koenma went teenager-shaped for the exclusive purpose of dropping his face into his hands and yanking on his hair. "If I arrest you, I will be shot, stabbed, and otherwise harmed," he predicted. "Even if I managed to get past that, in five minutes you would walk into my office to bid me goodbye before calmly going back to the human world, having quietly killed all my guards. If I actually got you so completely warded so that you no longer could figure out which way was up, which just might be the only way of keeping you, I don't doubt that your equally criminal-minded friends would do something about this."

"Hey," protested Kuwabara. "I was never criminally minded."

"And you're the worst of all of us," Hiei shot back. "It doesn't seem like you have much to be proud of."

Yusuke glared. "Shut up, will you? I told you, if you're going to do this at the most inopportune times, I deserve alcohol! Koenma! What, exactly, did Kurama do?"

"The _venias_ plant," Koenma said dryly, "is the crudest and most powerful summoning mechanism in existence. This succubus here was the target. It was all over her when she walked in to report to me on her other exploits. I have hired many of her number to clean up the border. Not only does the plant not require anything in the way of coordinates, but the one who summons also can have one request that the summoned cannot deny them. I leave it to your imagination to think about the repercussions that unlicensed use would give. Requests for this plant have to come through me. Before you protest that he would have asked, I must tell you that I never would have let Kurama have it."

Yusuke turned his furious gaze to Koenma. "Even if it killed him?"

"You say that like being dead has stopped him before," Koenma pointed out. "You should know that, Mister I've-Died-Twice-Already-And-I'm-Not-Showing-Any-Sign-Of-Stopping-Now."

"You know," Yusuke said, "people just call me Yusuke these days."

Koenma harrumphed. "Anyway," he said pointedly. "Its use carries jail time. A lot of it. The problem with that would be the above list I just ran off. So you tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do! The entire palace knows about it! And if word gets out that I'm just letting Kurama run around doing whatever he wants, I'm going to be getting more than letter bombs from a lot of scared people in positions of power."

"You don't have to _let_ me," Kurama said thoughtfully.

"There's a point," Yusuke said. "Oi, Koenma, you have a desperate criminal about two inches from bleeding all over your floor. I got him single-handed. Can I have a raise?"

The succubus giggled. "If you don't want to deal with him, I'll have him," she offered Koenma, crossing her legs under her tattered skirt. "They don't escape after that."

Koenma dropped his head onto his desk. It seemed like the only acceptable end to the conversation, unconsciousness. When none was forthcoming, he finally said to the wood, "Jorge. Hire someone to open my mail for me. Someone I really don't like."

"Score," said Yusuke. "You can chalk it up to the fact that Kurama borrowed his clothes off a vinyl-loving call boy. You might get less letter bombs over that one."

Kurama put one hand over his eyes. "Yusuke, please shut up."

"Good lord," said Koenma, blinking at Kurama. "I suppose I could. Get gossiping," he said in a motion that encompassed Botan, Jorge, and the nameless succubus.

"Yessir," said Botan brightly, apparently committing Kurama's attire to memory.

Kuwabara looked unhappy. "Am I the only person in this room who likes girls and girls alone?"

Kurama blinked at him through his fingers. "You...wait. You mean you aren't...?" He looked from Yusuke to Kuwabara, then back again. "Are you sure you aren't...I mean, I thought it was sort of obvious."

Yusuke and Kuwabara exchanged glances of dawning trepidation, then both hurried into confused denials and assertions of loving their respective girlfriends very much.

Botan shook her head. "Well, that's woken them up. I wondered when someone would tell them that even their lady friends were picking up on the sexual tension. Oh, did I say that out loud?" she asked when Yusuke and Kuwabara both turned intriguing shades of maroon. The colour clashed horribly with Kuwabara's hair and Yusuke's bruises. "Sorry. I forgot I was supposed to be gossiping about other things. I'll be going now."

"Can we go?" Yusuke squeaked. "I think we're done here."

Flapping a hand at the door, Koenma said, "Go away. Sort out your personal relationships, put your respective home worlds back together, and try not to talk about what happened here or in the recent past. I'm sure that it's a good story, but I really, really don't want to hear it."

"Bye now," Kurama said with what was left of his voice. "See you again sometime."

Koenma watched them leave. "Potential political chaos on one hand and a necromancer threatening to return on the other. I yearn for the days when you people got things _done_."

"Why are you talking to the closed door?" Jorge asked curiously.

"He's feeling repressed," the succubus predicted. "Poor baby. I can help."

For the second time in about five minutes, Koenma's forehead met his desk with a resounding thunk.

As they navigated the intricate hallways of Koenma's palace, Kurama said quietly, "You owe me money now, I think."

Hiei raised one eyebrow. "Don't you think that you have enough money that another form of repayment could be worked out?"

"Ooh." Kurama's expression went thoughtful. "It was a lot of money, too."

"It was," Hiei said. "I can't believe I was wrong. It should have been one of those bets that had to eventually go in my favour."

"Like another one that I think Yusuke is rather close to winning?" Kurama asked mischievously.

Hiei's eyes flickered. "Yes, about that one..."

Ahead of them, Yusuke and Kuwabara were busily assuring each other that they were each quite devoted to their respective girls. "I mean, in our business we have to look at a lot of mostly-naked guys," Yusuke said desperately. "You get so used to it that you do it even when off-duty."

"Exactly," Kuwabara agreed fervently.

"I only keep that kind of manga because Keiko secretly likes it," Yusuke continued.

Kuwabara nodded. "Precisely."

"Besides, Kurama is the only guy I've ever come across who doesn't artfully tear clothes when fighting," Yusuke added. "He's worn short sleeves _once._ Of course I'm going to stare."

"Totally," Kuwabara colluded.

"And he looks kind of like a girl," Yusuke pursued. "In a really sexy boy kind of way."

Kuwabara put up a fist of agreement. "Definitely what I was thinking."

"And we're just good friends and the world has such a dirty mind it doesn't know how to handle it," Yusuke decided. "When we fight, it's just for fun and not because we don't know how to be physical and are completely repressed. Or when you do something stupid."

"Completely," Kuwabara repeated, then blinked. "Oh, come _on_, you're the one who doesn't know how to handle jokes except by beating on me. You know, your hair looks really funny like that."

When the resultant scrap behind her reached Botan's ears, the ferry girl simply smiled knowingly. "_Men_," she said expressively to the gate guard. "When they finish up, let them out."

"Really?" the guard asked. "I thought there were going to be arrests and chaos and flashing lights."

Botan plumped herself down next to the guard. "Well, there _was_. It's a bit of a long story and I guess I shouldn't tell you...it's a secret thing, you know. Information isn't supposed to leave that room..."

"It would be well if you told me," the guard said. "So I know that it's all right to let them leave."

Botan beamed at him. "When you put it like that, I suppose I'll just have to say." Having thus secured that this information would be shortly all over the palace, she launched into her story.

And if in the original version there had been no pink fluffy handcuffs, no one else needed to know that.

"Good God," said Shizuru when the four reappeared on Genkai's front lawn. She, Yukina, and Keiko were all sitting on the railing, Kuwabara's kitten frolicking from lap to lap. "I thought Kazuma was supposed to be in the best shape of all of you."

"Weeble," said Kuwabara.

"Oh, Kazuma," said Yukina sadly. "Here, let me help." Kuwabara allowed himself to be led into the front room, whereupon he submitted to tender ministrations.

"I don't know where he found her," Shizuru said, petting her brother's kitten absently, "but she's doing him a world of good in more ways than once."

"He commented on my hair," Yusuke said plaintively.

Keiko beckoned him over. "I'll buy you some hair dye," she promised.

Yusuke buried his face in her shoulder. "I need female loving right now. I'm surrounded by half-naked attractive boys."

Shizuru looked Kurama and Hiei over while Keiko decided that Yusuke needed to be reminded exactly who he should have eyes for. "Cor," she finally announced, having absorbed just what knives, explosions, and wearing other people's clothes had done for the two demons. "Why are all the not terribly human and thoroughly scarred people the lookers?" she asked wistfully, thinking of a certain owner of a Dark Tournament team with faraway eyes. Unwinding herself from the railing, she hefted the kitten onto one shoulder and headed inside. "Coming?"

"I think," Kurama said as he and Hiei drifted into the house, "that we have terms to work out."

Toshi blinked through a cloud of cigarette smoke when they both wandered back onto the porch. "I thought you were leaving."

"It wasn't permanent," Kurama answered, gingerly sitting on the railing and wincing when some of his wounds cracked open and started to ooze. "As you probably can tell."

Toshi sighed and stomped his cigarette out. "I'm leaving, I'm leaving," he protested after one glance at their eyes. "I know that look." He turned and sulked through the door, closing it with a bang. If either demon caught the muttered "Have _fun_, why don't you?", neither showed it.

"So about this bet," Kurama said. "Really quite a long-standing one."

"Which one?" Hiei retorted. "Yusuke, disturbingly enough, made his at roughly the same time we made ours."

Kurama gingerly brushed his hair from his face. "Looking back on how we acted then, I can't say I blame him. It was mostly your fault, though. I just translated when you felt like being difficult."

"We still act like that," Hiei pointed out.

"And see how we have proved Yusuke right."

Hiei had to admit the truth there. "This, however, isn't the subject. I owe you now."

"Yes, you do," Kurama said. "And you seem to be torn between offering me something I have much of and offering me something...which I am wondering if I would already possess."

"I said I didn't want to pay you," Hiei said. "I owe you, yes, and I don't think you care about extorting money from me."

Kurama smiled. "It's not extorting when I win. But you're correct; there are things I want more. But would I have them if Yusuke had not raised a point about his own bet? Had I never made my own point and thus won?"

Hiei blinked. "How the hell am I supposed to know? I owe you; you have the advantage of me. Collect what you will, because I would give it you. Maybe."

"If I collect what I will," Kurama pressed, "I don't think I would be satisfied. You know what I want from you. You know how I would have you repay me and you know how I have thought. You know your own mind and you know right now that I do obey your whims. Mostly. So I am tame; pronounce."

Hiei rubbed his eyes. "You're trying to dazzle me with pretty words."

"You're capable of the same," Kurama said, his eyes lazy and half-lidded.

Hiei's fingers drifted to Kurama's neck. When Kurama tensed from having the bruises touched, Hiei kissed him, slow and painful and very much wanted. "You would endure pain and humiliating memories for me, then?" Hiei asked.

At that distance, Kurama's whispery remains of a voice sounded almost normal. "What are you talking about? I do that all the time for you."

"Just checking," Hiei replied, and kissed him again. Neither of them were entirely healthy and both of them bled where fingers clutched, but such things had never stopped them in any other thing before.

Inside, Yusuke sighed dreamily before turning to Kuwabara. "I told you, I _won_. Pay me."

Kuwabara sank down from the window that gave those inside a decent view of the back porch. "Werg."

Yusuke propped his elbows on the windowsill. "This," he said placidly, "is revenge for making me have to watch you and Yukina. This is also really kind of hot."

"Oh la," said Toshi, passing them in the corridor and peering over Yusuke's head. "I never get that kind of attention. Just 'fuck me now' or 'harder, pretty boy', or 'I'm going to blow your fucking head off!'" He then continued down the hall.

"I feel so violated," Kuwabara moaned, clutching his eyes. "So very violated. And I thought you said you only kept those comics because Keiko liked them."

"I'm gathering blackmail material," Yusuke explained hastily. "And besides, she'll want details. Now pay up or I'm keeping you here indefinitely."

Kuwabara scrunched up his face in distaste and took out his billfold. "Here," he said grudgingly, emptying it. "I'll get you the rest when I have it."

Yusuke smacked him on the head with the handful of cash. "I trust your incredible honour. You may go."

Swatting Yusuke on the leg, Kuwabara hauled himself to his feet and scuttled back to the salvation of his lady friend, horrified look still firmly in place.

When Yusuke looked up, Kurama and Hiei were still entwined on the railing, but they were both grinning wickedly at him. "You're very loud," Kurama explained when he walked out to join them.

"I thought you might get a kick out of it," Yusuke said, handing the cash straight to Hiei. "Your cut, damn your secretiveness."

Hiei rifled through the money and passed half to Kurama. "I lied. I am paying you."

"I thought so," Kurama said, looking incredibly smug. "You always do, even though you say you won't."

Yusuke raised one eyebrow. "Really."

"Every time," Kurama assured him cheerfully.

"And what is this exchange of money about, pray tell?" Yusuke said, detecting subtext that was a bit more than having a third person cut into his bet.

Kurama blinked at him innocently. "Yusuke, not everyone feels the need to _announce_ bets that hinge on behaviour. But I will tell you that it was contracted when we saw Kuwabara and yourself interacting for the first time. And that I won, owing to your horrified perplexity today. I knew you actually could be that oblivious."

Yusuke felt obscurely insulted. "You should talk," he finally said inadequately.

"No, not really," Hiei said. "You won, didn't you? Or did you want to join in?"

Yusuke turned a funny shade of puce. "I'm going to go make out with my girlfriend now," he said pointedly, and stalked from the porch.

Hiei watched him go with a laugh. "Like he thinks we can't tell."

"Like he thinks Keiko wouldn't like it," Kurama corrected him. "He'll learn."

Weed, walking through the hallway inside, paused for a long gawk, then headed for the nearest phone and dialled a familiar number. "Hey," he said hesitatingly when the phone was picked up. "Touya? I...it's me. I'm...I'm still here. Touya..." He listened to a long burst of speech, sinking to the floor and taking the phone with him. "You will?" There was an affirmative babble. "I don't know when I'm coming back," Weed said, the words spilling from his mouth. "I think I need some time, but Touya, please let me come back." There was another affirmative babble. "Promise?" A third affirmative babble. "Okay. Tell them I'll be back soon. Study for your test. I love you."

When he hung up, he found himself confronted with bare feet. "You," Toshi said, standing over him. "So we're dead. So what? I'm going back into business, and trust me, if _I_ can do that, you're not going to get dumped. Smile and be la-de-fucking-da merry."

Weed obeyed and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet as well. "All right."

"Want to be la-de-fucking-da merry right now?" Toshi offered. "Special deal, because you're getting me my nicotine fix. Ow!" he added when Weed cuffed him on the back of the head. "It's just a question!"

"Thank you, but no," Weed said. "Better?" When Toshi nodded sulkily, Weed said, "There's Pop-Tarts in the kitchen. I'll split a pack with you."

Toshi made a startled moue. "Sure," he said. "Pop-Tarts it is."

(_fin!_)

* * *

"I am tame; pronounce" is a quote from Gaudy Night, which in turn is from Hamlet. Good books, those. There's another quote in there too from some other source. I forget what.

SO MANY BETS. AHAHA ZOMBIES ZOMBIES I AM DONE. Many thanks to those who have had bits of this story flung at them (or the whole of it), as well as sources of inspiration such as Conan O'Brien, Ghostbusters, the car in Friendly Hostility, long road-trips, a variety of zombie movies, everyone who has ever reviewed, and the Pop-Tart company.

**I'm not only done with this story – I'm retiring from **

This does _not_ mean that I'm going to stop writing. I am going to be ficcing merrily onward, just...not in two different places at once. I rely too heavily on my eljay for networking and posting fic anyhow.

To that end! I'm not taking anything down from It'll all still be here for your reading pleasure. However, there will be _new_ fic, including one brand-spankin'-new flaming-subtext Kurama/Hiei called **String **that I just wrote and posted in the wee hours of this morning. Most of the older fic is also in my memories. I know, it's a dashed inconvenience, but...lawks, I haven't posted anything here but Skeleton Dancer in ages, and I've been writing pretty consistently lately.

Therefore: I am now to be found on eljay. All of Skeleton Dancer is there too, I promise. My name

is evilsimon, or (if this works), http/ is the link. I try to not babble about my life that much, since the original point was for it to be just a fic journal, but...well, every so often bizarre things happen.

I love you all; you've been _wonderful_ to me, and I would love it if you followed me as I go dramatically into the sunset. You don't have to mention how I tripped over the cactus, though. No, really. You're too generous.

See you again!

* * *

**Aithril the Elf-Maiden:** I'm sorry! Would you like an after-dinner mint? Happy Christmas!

**Kooriya Yui:** I love El Zorromancer too much to kill him. Now you know my secret shame.

**KyoHana:** Oh, of course not. They're out of practise.

**kahuffstix:** OMFG ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE.

**Katia-chan:** Lelola rocks. I have not been there in ages.

**Kurama'sGirl88:** A romantic moment for you! Happy Christmas!

**kikira-chan: **El Zorromancer is _fixated._

**Evene:** ...if you make me miss Karasu, I will be _unhappy._

**Muse 9.5:** I've never heard of The Forbidden Game before – who wrote it? ...I might have written about this, but I sort of cobbled him together from him doing my dream job, the multitude of strange cross-naming and name-adoption that makes up that brain-candy flick **Tomb Raider **(I derive my name, Simon, from it. And Julian. And West. And the blonde hair. Oh, my shame.) I don't remember. I meant to. Thanks!

**Nyte Kit:** Kurama is just that mellow.

**sukini:** We loves us some grammar.

**Nightwater-Dragon:** I...er...thank...you?

**A lilmatchgirl:** I AM KARASU-KILLING GENIUS LIKE CHARLIE – aw, hell, wrong fandom.

* * *

**REVIEW, MY CHILDREN.**


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